All posts tagged steroids

Liar Liar Pants On…Oh, Wait. Maybe Not

By | July 14, 2011 | Baseball, Breaking News, Celebrity Athletes, Crazy People, Dain Bramage, MLB, Politics in Sports?, Talking Trash, Unsportmanlike Conduct | Comments Off

Roger Clemens used steroids. Allegedly. Then, Roger Clemens lied about it to Congress. Allegedly. I don’t know if y’all know this, but the U.S. Congress only likes to lie to you, they really don’t appreciate it when you lie to them. Um, allegedly.

Hence, a federal obstruction charge leveled on one, rather beefy Mr. Clemens. A trial which has just ended in a mistrial. Yay for wasted tax dollars!

Roger Clemens, testing the tensile strength of the fabric of his suit, and looking snazzy with his manpurse full of roids stylish satchel, his attorney who firmly believes that three-ring binders make one look more official and some dude in a blue tie, arriving in court on Wednesday.

Why the mistrial, you ask? Apparently, while discussing a matter of instructions, away from the jury, one of the attorneys left a video playing in the courtroom. Now, this video wasn’t Spongebob, Real Housewives of East Bumblefart or even a little harmless porn. This was a video that clearly displayed written statements by Elijah E. Cummings (D-Md) questioning the legitimacy and the credibility of one of the key witnesses in Clemens’ defense. These statements were made in the Congressional hearing in 2008, where Clemens denied any use of steroids or other performance enhancing drugs.Um, oops.

“Sadly, I have reached this conclusion,”said presiding justice, U.S. District Judge Reggie  Walton.

An earlier ruling was at issue, where no prior testimony was being allowed into evidence, including testimony from Clemens’ former teammate, Andy Pettitte.

“We’ll never know what impact that will have on how this jury decides this case, when we have a man’s liberty’s at stake. I am troubled by this. The government should have been more cautious.” Said Walton

He added, “I don’t see how I unring the bell” and keep the jury from considering what was on the video screen.

“In my view, Mr. Pettitte’s testimony is going to be critical as to whether this man goes to prison, and I can’t in good faith leave this case where a man’s liberty is at risk when the government should have assured we are not in this situation.”

Photo credit and source

Breaking: Bonds Guilty On One Count of Obstruction

By | April 13, 2011 | Baseball, Breaking News | 3 Comments

After nearly four days of deliberation, a jury has found Barry Bonds guilty on one count of obstruction of justice. The jury was deadlocked on three counts of perjury. A sentencing date will not be set until at least May 20, when everyone returns to court to discuss the perjury counts.

barry bonds

Image by artolog, licensed under Creative Commons.

[source]

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Landis on Armstrong: “He always kept the good shit for himself.”

By | July 26, 2010 | Cycling, Uncategorized | Comments Off

My first biking memory is of propping my banana-seated bicycle up against my family’s fence and then climbing that fence so that I could get on said banana seat.  Gleefully, I pedaled and rode off.  It was my first solo, two-wheeled bike ride and it was glorious.  I was on my third lap around our cul de sac before I realized, “Shit.  How am I going to get off this crazy thing?”

That pretty much summarizes my bicycling knowledge.  How to get on, pedal and ultimately chafe like a melonfarmer after even the shortest of rides.  So when Floyd Landis says, “I saw Lance Armstrong using drugs,” I’m not exactly speaking as an authority.  I should probably stop here, but what fun is that?  Let the speculation and uninformed opinion-making ensue!

I got dibs on whale sperm.

I got dibs on whale sperm.

Apparently, there are a lot of ways to cheat in cycling.  And Landis accuses Armstrong of the following:

  • Transfusing his own blood and having a strong aversion to garlic.
  • Dating Sheryl Crow.  While not performance enhancing, Landis found it “kind of creepy.”
  • Landis said that Armstrong received blood transfusions during races.  It’s unclear if it was Armstrong’s own blood or the blood of 1,000 purified super-cycling babies!  Further confounding, how was Armstrong able to pedal with all those cumbersome tubes?
  • Armstrong was known to “cut the legs off drifters” and use them to power up the Tour’s steep mountain climbs.
  • Instead of water, Armstrong would drink the tears of newly orphaned children. While unnecessarily salty, the thought of their pain delighted and motivated him.
  • Armstrong gave Landis testosterone patches in an effort to get Landis to stop being such a “gaping weeping vagina” about all the doping in cycling.

Armstrong has not answered this round of allegations directly, but his attorney, Tim Herman had this to say:

Landis is a confessed perjurer and he is a liar, and I think, as Lance said … when you taste milk to see if it’s sour, you take a first taste and you don’t have to drink the whole carton to know it’s all sour.

http://verto.net/public/2009/05/28/milkshake/

Take that for what you will, but it sounds like Armstrong has gone “downtown” with Landis. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. Sinner.

It seems to me that cycling is dividing into two distinct skills — riding a bike and, more importantly, getting away with cheating. And according to Landis, Armstrong was the perfect synthesis of super-cheating cycling power. And admittedly, I have no idea if Armstrong cheated. I hope he didn’t. But, considering how dirty the sport is isn’t it difficult to believe he’d be able to beat so many doped Frenchmen powered by only Wheaties and apple pie?

Look at the evidence; could a clean athlete win the All-Drug Olympics?

We may never know for sure. But we do know that right now Lance Armstrong wants to get off this crazy thing.

MLB Makes An Effort To Clean Up Its Act

By | July 23, 2010 | Baseball | 2 Comments

Dirty baseball

Well, well, well, it seems that the  Major League Baseball association is trying to clean up it’s act. Or at least trying to prevent more embarrassing messes in the future.

How? No, they aren’t going to be breaking out the cleanser, though it would probably need a little lye to really clean those hard to reach spots. Instead commissioner Bud Selig just announced the MLB is going to start testing minor league players for human growth hormones.

“The implementation of blood testing in the Minor Leagues represents a significant step in the detection of the illegal use of human growth hormone. The Minor League Program employs state of the art testing procedures and the addition of HGH testing provides an example for all of our drug policies in the future.”

This isn’t your average pee test. The players will be submitted to random blood testing that will take place after games and the blood will be taken from the players non-dominant arms.

This makes me sad.

Why the heck do these athletes think they need to juice up? I hate it!

My dad was a baseball player all his life and could have gone pro, but my mom got knocked up in high school, so my dad married her and had to get a job to provide for his new family. He never would have used steroids, if just out of principle.

The fact that these guys think they have to use something to amp up their game is so disappointing.

Hopefully this type of testing will weed out the idiots and we’ll be able to get back to watching a game in which every player gives his all to the team. You know, they would actually use skill and finesse, play a little small ball and not just use power to hit the ball out of the park every at bat.

I hope this works, if only for the sake of our national pastime. It’s so sullied these days that it’s not the sport that parents want their kids to play anymore. That’s just sad.

Source

Photo Source- Patricia Honea

Sammy Sosa – Back to Black?

By | May 20, 2010 | Baseball | 3 Comments

Fading Sosa

What’s the saying?  Once you go black, you never go back?

Now there’s a new one.  Once you go white, you go back to black.

Last year, Sammy Sosa appeared in public with skin so white it would have made Michael Jackson shout “Sha’mon”.  Clearly he liked skin whitener as much as he liked steroids.  However, Sammy evidently grew tired of having a complexion as pale as the cast of Twilight, because as of last week, he was black again.

Doctors are now researching whether a side effect of skin bleaching is that it makes you forget how to speak English.

Well, in front of Congress, anyway.

[Photo:  Getty]

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