All posts tagged quarterbacks

Matt Cassel Has Appendectomy, Further Proof God Hates Kansas City

Why, god? Why? Why do you hate Kansas City so much? Things were going so good for once. The Chiefs. We (I say “we” as if I were part of the team) were sitting at the the top of the AFC West with a two game lead on San Diego and Oakland and a pretty decent 8-4 record. Considering we only won a total of six games in the last two years combined, I couldn’t have even dreamed of this scenario when the season began. Our quarterback, Matt Cassel, is sporting a QB rating near 100 for the season with 23 touchdowns and only four interceptions. Our top receiver, Dwayne Bowe, is leading the LEAGUE in touchdown receptions. Our offense is firing on all cylinders and our defense is actually showing up to most of our games. All in all, an awesome season. But deep down in my gut, I knew something was bound to happen. And yesterday, it did.

As I was scrolling through the internets and the Googles, I saw a news alert pop up. “Matt Cassel has appendectomy, out a possible four weeks.”, it read. FUCK ME. That’s all I could think. FUCK ME. Why does this have to happen now? With four games remaining in the regular season? Why?? Now I have to see Brodie Croyle suiting up and taking snaps on Sunday. The same guy who has spent more time on the injury list than actually playing. The only thing I can do now is hope and pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster than Croyle has been paying attention to Charlie Weis this season. I hope to hell Charlie has “fixed” him just a little bit. Just enough to squeak out a few wins. So, Mr. Cassell, if you are reading this, GET WELL and get well soon. Our season depends on it. I mean, no pressure though.

The Punky QB Is The Forgetful QB?

The NFL takes many measures in this day and age to protect players, especially quarterbacks. There are rules for roughing the passer, special helmets to prevent concussions and heavy fines for unsportsmanlike conduct.

It hasn’t always been like this. Football is a brutal sport and always has been, going back to the beginning days when players played with leather helmets and virtually no padding.

There are loads of stories from ex-NFLers, especially those from the 50s, 60s and 70s, who talk about their injuries and the damage years of playing professional football has taken on their bodies – arthritis, artificial hips, brain damage, you name it.

Concussions and head injuries have become a big deal in the NFL within the last 10 years and especially the last few seasons. The lingering damage these concussions have caused to these players is now coming to light. Gone are the days that a concussed player comes back to play in the same game, now those injured players are sitting out at least a game and being heavily evaluated before they are allowed to return to the playing field.

This past summer the NFL came out with a new poster to hang in the locker rooms warning players about the danger of concussions and how you should handle things if you do, in fact, get a concussion. This is the NFL’s answer to everything. There’s a problem? Let’s educate with pamphlets and boring videos! That will solve the problem.

That’s all fine and good for today’s players, but the damage to players of the past has already been done. And one former Chicago Bears quarterback isn’t mincing words when it comes to the problems that those brutal hits of the game have done to his noggin.

“My memory’s pretty much gone,” Jim McMahon, 51, said. “There are a lot of times when I walk into a room and forget why I walked in there. I’m going through some studies right now and I am going to do a brain scan. It’s unfortunate what the game does to you.”

“Back then, it was just tape an aspirin to your helmet and you go back in,” McMahon said. “I’ve worked with some neurosurgeons and it’s a very serious thing, man.

This is not the attention the National Football League appreciates, but I’m glad the punky QB is still speaking out like he did in his playing days. Because it is a serious issue. And while I’m glad the League is taking a more serious approach to head injuries, there is still a lot to be done to prevent all former and future players from becoming a bunch of drooling zombies.

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Kristabella still holds on to her childhood love of Jim McMahon and still hopes to one day be his wife, seeing as he’ll probably forget he’s already married.

My Last Word on Michael Vick (I Swear.) (Probably.)

(My friend Jonna wrote this piece about rooting for Michael Vick and my comment got so long it was embarrassing. So here we go.)

Michael Vick is unquestionably one of the most talented quarterbacks in the National Football League.  He might be the best. I’m bad at gauging that kind of thing.

Anyway.

Michael Vick also, unfortunately, arranged, condoned and participated in not only the forced violent fighting of pit bulls that often led to the death of these animals, but he also signed off on the nauseating strangling and electrocution of others who maybe didn’t make the cut or got too messed up in fights to go on.

The disgusting fruits of Michael Vick’s labors haunt me worse than eleventy billion Sarah McLachlan pet rescue videos, y’all, and I can’t even watch those all the way through. I don’t give a damn about Michael Vick’s incarceration, redemption, team spirit, contribution to the National Football League or prowess as a quarterback.

I.

Don’t.

Care.

Michael Vick got caught carrying on with some outrageous behavior that caused the suffering and death of living beings, dogs who get a bad rap in large part due to jerks like him and his friends. He was convicted of this disgusting dog ring nonsense. He served some time in prison. He got out, and super shortly thereafter got snapped up by a team who was willing to deal with his baggage.

michael-vick-eagles

So, he gets out of prison. He gets to make more than a million dollars. He gets to do what he loves. He gets the adulation of a city that wants a Super Bowl more than it cares or stops to analyze the reason why the potential catalyst is there. He even gets awards for teamwork, first year out.

Oh, and he will tell you time and time again how much he’s suffered, yes he will:

I’ve overcome a lot, more than probably one single individual can handle or bear. You ask certain people to walk through my shoes, they probably couldn’t do. Probably 95 percent of the people in this world because nobody had to endure what I’ve been through, situations I’ve been put in, situations I put myself in and decisions I have made, whether they have been good or bad.

Last Sunday, after the Eagles’ stupid ass loss to the Washington Redskins, a Facebook friend went off about how people should LEAVE Mike Vick alone, and he’d DONE his time, and BLAH and BLAH and BLAH and everyone shut up.

It irritated me, and the only thing I’d said was a random comment on my cousin’s Facebook — in response to something she said — about how what I heard when he got hurt was the sound of a hundred pit bulls lauging their asses off.

Yes, I knew he got injured in the game against the home team around here. No, I wasn’t especially sad that he was hurt. But that was that. I didn’t take to my Facebook or Twitter account to tell anyone else how to feel or what to say about Michael Vick. Because guess why?

I feel how I feel about him, and I move on. I don’t care how you feel about Michael Vick, or you or you or you. I’m neither going to “leave him alone” nor boycott the Eagles because they hired him. I listen to my co-worker talk about the Eagles and I don’t roll my eyes at him or ask him how he can bear to still support his lifelong home team.

Because it’s none of my business. And I don’t want him spouting anything off at me about how I need to let my feelings about this guy go, because how I feel about him is none of his business either.

I fail to see what kind of problems face Michael Vick. Sure, he went to jail. I’m sure that was upsetting. A lot of athletes go to jail for various infractions large and small. But my feelings lie with my belief that not only did he do what he did, since he got out he has been more or less an apologist for animal abuse. The way people talk and write about it, it’s just something you have to go to jail for awhile for doing, and sure, your operation is shut down and that’s awesome for the dogs who won’t be strangled and electrocuted on your watch. But people who condemned him, who dare to say anything negative or dare whisper “think of the PUPPIES” are painted as  unforgiving PETA-freaks who don’t understand that he has done his time.

His time that he earned.

He came out of jail to the tune of millions of dollars, back to a job and a public that, by and large, will not see him as a convict first.

So I think he’s going to be fine whether I root for him or not. And yes, I’ll cop to some minor satisfaction during reports today of how he wouldn’t be playing this week and probably next although he desperately wants to go back to Atlanta and face his former team. It’s just that I’m saving my cheers for people who to my knowledge would never have been capable of doing the stuff he did in the first place. I believe in redemption to a point, but not just because someone tells me that jail and a spanking new seven- figure salary helped a quarterback to heal himself. How anyone else feels about it is her business.

Tom Brady: Douche of the Year

It’s easy for me to mock Tom Brady, as I honestly care little of football. Yes, fine, I’m being a little disloyal to my home team, but I think Tom Brady’s douchery transcends hometown loyalty.

It’s not enough that he’s the highest paid quarterback (for now …). Or that he’s got all kinds of records, a dynasty-level Superbowl record and is treated like a celebrity AND is married to Gisele Bundchen. And you know, while the Boston media can be remarkably fickle, as can their fans, Brady’s been treated pretty damn well for a dude who regularly sports Bieber hair.

But NOOOOO. He wants more! He wants Jet-level fandom! He wants … wait, what? He … is he really complaining that Pats fans aren’t at the same level as their archnemeses? Yes. Yes, he is:

I don’t think Jets fans leave early.

ORILLY, TOM? Not even during what was effectively a DISMANTLING of the Bengals? Look, the traffic at Gillette stadium is notoriously awful. Like, claw-your-face-off awful, and though I imagine it’s the same at most big-market sports stadiums, Gillette is a special kind of hell, you must trust me on this. It’s terribly disorganized, despite being kind of in the middle of nowhere, and on a good day, you can sit in a line for hours for something like Disney on effing ICE, much less the season opener. And while I’m all for sticking it out ’til the end, I’m not sure opening your mouth about this one was so smart, Tommy Boy.

PeeWee

(I really wish that Pee Wee tat was real. So bad.)

{Photo(shop) credit: The Hollywood Gossip}

Big Ben Roethlisberger Has Timeout Reduced

In April, Steelers’ QB Ben Roethlisberger received a six-game suspension for violating the league’s personal conduct policy – somewhere under the heading of “how fucking stupid are you, really?”  Ben apparently has a difficult time attracting women his own age, so instead he likes to get really hammered and take underage ladies to his preferred lair of seduction, the pisser.

Now, I went to UD, it’s a pretty small school, Catholic, conservative (not up to my mom’s standards, but we’re talking relatively here) and in general a nice, clean place.  Even I, a drunken bachelor, felt the sure creepy-crawly approach of pubic crabs whenever I stepped into a college restroom.  These are floors you don’t want to STAND on, let alone eat off of.  And the general idea was to get-in, get-out, leave no man behind.  Ben went to school about an hour from me at Miami of Ohio.  I have never been, but apparently the bathrooms there are pristine sanctuaries with butler service and fine Corinthian leather couches.  Apparently, there is no better place to put your moves on the ladies?

ben-roethlisberger-drunk

This happened in April.  Last night Ben met with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.  Roethlisberger, doing his best Svengali, convinced Goodell that he had “turned his life around” since April.  And by that he meant that he was able to not get drunk and cruise high school chicks for the past five months.  Top notch!

I don’t mean to make light of the situation, bad decisions were made all around and these weren’t Roethlisberger’s first.  But, I think next time, the league would look a little better just setting the suspension at four games to begin with and promising Ben more pine time if he uses Little Ben inappropriately before his time is up.

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