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Vick Breaks Ribs And Stafford Breaks His Hand, Injuries All Around

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I have been thinking about this for a while. If you get hurt, say, break bones or strain muscles, you get time off of work in the business world. We sit at our desks, stroll to the break room for a coffee and a honey bun, and if we get hurt, we take time off – weeks off in many cases.  Our doctors don’t think we should be sitting in comfy chairs or typing on keyboards. They say we need to stay home, in different comfy chairs and type on different keyboards.

Why is it then, that athletes who play contact sports are playing through broken bones, risking permanent career ending injuries? It’s short-sighted, much less ridiculously short on compassion for them as humans.  I watched the Colts run the gauntlet repeatedly, letting Bob Sanders play “a bit hurt” only to have him get more hurt and then unable to play. Eating up salary, chilling on the bench and then providing zero support when needed.

When I see statements like “Michael Vick’s injury might’ve had something to do with his inaccuracy,” I kind of want to throat punch the person who said it. See how that contributes to their ability to say stupid insensitive things.

Matt Stafford says he’s not injured that badly,  but still, it’s reminiscent of a pianist trying to play with broken fingers.

As the awareness of concussion as a serious issue continues it would seem intuitive that the NFL embrace a more enlightened view of injuries and not expect players to be iron men, but rather treat them as the valuable, HUMAN commodity they are.  As a healthy athlete they are worth millions. Why would you risk breaking them? Personally, I’d want my money’s worth out of them, and benching a star for a week would be worth it if I could keep him around a few more years.

Vick’s status is uncertain for this next week.   Any bets on whether or not he suits up? My guess is, yes.

 

Michael Vick: the Sequel

Atlanta Falcons v Philadelphia Eagles

Few athletes’ stories have been as much of a roller coaster ride as has the story of Michael Vick. From his celebrated entrance into the league, to his astonishing play, all the way through to his serving jail time and resurrecting his career to the tune of a $120 million paycheck, this turbulent ride has seen more throw-up than an incoming text message from Brett Favre.

Read more…

MayoPie Wins Fantasy Championship: Vikings Beat Eagles, Too

What a night! It was a back and forth battle, but in the end, MayoPie prevailed over the dreaded Jon’s Team. Mike Vick’s 10 yard touchdown run sealed the victory for the resilient Mayopie (who finished the season 10-1 to claim the elusive… e-mail from that one guy who said, “Good game”).

I should probably also mention that there was an actual football game on with some real implications, first and foremost being Philadelphia’s playoff standing. They’re now the 3rd seed and that’s a done deal, so let’s talk about Joe Webb, Mike Vick then we’ll do a happy ending on Brett Favre’s penis.

Joe Webb is the only thing this offense ever needed, which is a fairly mobile quarterback who could get out of trouble and make the occasional important throw. Other than that, dish the ball to some freakish stars like Harvin, Peterson and Rice and watch the magic happen. There’s no mystery here and this is exactly what Childress envisioned when he got all starry eyed about Tarvaris Jackson. As it turns out, Webb is faster than Jackson, more accurate and has a better pocket awareness. All this from a guy who had played a few snaps before last night.

What I saw in the Vikes was a playoff team that no one would want to meet, and had the trigger been pulled sooner, the Minnesota Vikings might now be a scary prospect. What I also saw last night is that Mike Vick isn’t going to last long in the NFL. Teams are learning that when it comes to Vick, you pick your poison and the better poison seems to be, “Send the house every time and take your chances.”

We’ve now seen two teams in consecutive weeks contain Mike Vick for seven of eight quarters, and they’ve done it by blitzing like crazy. Forget the hits he takes while he’s running, last night it was about the hits he was taking in the pocket. More interestingly, no one on Philadelphia seemed to care.

Mike Vick is the most dangerous man in the NFL, as such, it stands to reason that his NFL lifespan won’t be that of a Manning, Brady, or any pure pocket passer. In fact, Michael Vick might be the only quarterback, is the only quarterback, who has to deal with being blitzed on almost every single play. And if you haven’t noticed, he’s not 6’5″, 250 lbs, nor is he 25 years old. If we continue to see what we saw last night, Vick will not last long in the NFL.

Now to Brett’s penis.  It was probably pretty upset when it watched a rookie managing the Vikings offense better than Favre had managed it all year, knowing that another penis was now going to be getting all of the attention. Probably a much larger penis, and believe me, no penis likes being replaced by a younger, larger penis. As far as being a penis, it’s pretty much the worst thing that can happen to you, aside from being removed and thrown from a car window.

Brett’s penis knows that things aren’t going to be as easy from here on out, and he’s coming to the realization that his host body is going to have to work a little harder to find him a new playground. He might now be reduced to looking for love in all the wrong places, relying on ladies of the night and being forced to wear that damn latex suit he hates so much, because it’s just the policy for those kind of places.  After all, it’s tough when you all of the sudden become a poster boy for creepy, and that’s what he has become: another cheap, naked penis floating around on the internet tubes.

Brett’s penis fondly recalls the days when the mere image of himself would drive the cheerleaders wild, luring them in gaggles to his hotel room door, but he now finds himself contemplating his own mortality… strung out on little blue pills, internet porn and Swedish massagers with promises of “three more inches.” Three more inches. If only it were that simple. I think it says it all about life, don’t you?

The NFL will be announcing Brett Favre’s punishment in the next 48 hours and I, for one, am dripping with anticipation on the mighty NFL’s eleventh hour, meaningless gesture designed to do no actual damage, but perhaps limit further liability or litigation. Brett might lose a whole paycheck. He might get suspended for a game he would have watched from the sidelines, and maybe a couple more he wouldn’t have played, anyway. He might get an ugly fine and now that he will never play again, a stern condemnation from the NFL. Too little, too late, in my opinion. The NFL has lost its ability to punish Brett Favre, but it will be an entertaining show.

Brett Favre’s real punishment was brought on by Brett Favre.  His storied career has gone down in flames, his legacy tarnished forever, and because of  his actions, what we will remember most about Brett is that he stayed one year too long, is a creepily persistent stalker, and his wiener seems kind of small for how big a man he is.

If you think about it, that’s a pretty crappy tombstone.

T.O., Iverson and Ochocinco: Primadonnas in Trouble

You know, I don’t really think this means anything at all, but I do think that it’s a good sign that certain, ah, athletes, are having a tough time of it later in their careers. Like, ah, Randy Moss. Allen Iverson. Chad Ochocinco. Terrell Owens.

These guys are not known for their locker room decorum, and if you look at Ochocinco and Moss, they’ve bounced around the NFL like a basketball which, of course, is not particularly common, given the NFL’s short season. And T.O. … well, then. Allen Iverson? Playing in Turkey.

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Look, I’m not saying I’ve worked with these guys personally. Hell, I don’t know if everything people say about them is true, and I sure as shit have no room to talk, given that I defended Michael Vick, but it’s telling to me that guys who were notorious douche canoes throughout their career are having a difficult time finding a reasonable home to finish out their legacy. Maybe — just maybe — professional sports, the fans and the staff who must endure them, have had enough with the primadonna bullshit. And given their behavior and astonishing lack of professionalism I wouldn’t be looking for them next to Jesse Palmer (OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY IS ON ESPN?) after they retire. Maybe — MAAAYYYBE — there’s a lesson in there for younger athletes. Not that I’m looking in anyone’s specific direction (LEBRON JAMES COUGH OMG DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?).

We can only really hope that the T.Ocho Show is the closest thing to a broadcasting career Chad Ochocinco ever gets.

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Jonniker enjoyed watching Randy Moss when he played for the Patriots, when she wasn’t taking her afternoon nap.

My Last Word on Michael Vick (I Swear.) (Probably.)

(My friend Jonna wrote this piece about rooting for Michael Vick and my comment got so long it was embarrassing. So here we go.)

Michael Vick is unquestionably one of the most talented quarterbacks in the National Football League.  He might be the best. I’m bad at gauging that kind of thing.

Anyway.

Michael Vick also, unfortunately, arranged, condoned and participated in not only the forced violent fighting of pit bulls that often led to the death of these animals, but he also signed off on the nauseating strangling and electrocution of others who maybe didn’t make the cut or got too messed up in fights to go on.

The disgusting fruits of Michael Vick’s labors haunt me worse than eleventy billion Sarah McLachlan pet rescue videos, y’all, and I can’t even watch those all the way through. I don’t give a damn about Michael Vick’s incarceration, redemption, team spirit, contribution to the National Football League or prowess as a quarterback.

I.

Don’t.

Care.

Michael Vick got caught carrying on with some outrageous behavior that caused the suffering and death of living beings, dogs who get a bad rap in large part due to jerks like him and his friends. He was convicted of this disgusting dog ring nonsense. He served some time in prison. He got out, and super shortly thereafter got snapped up by a team who was willing to deal with his baggage.

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So, he gets out of prison. He gets to make more than a million dollars. He gets to do what he loves. He gets the adulation of a city that wants a Super Bowl more than it cares or stops to analyze the reason why the potential catalyst is there. He even gets awards for teamwork, first year out.

Oh, and he will tell you time and time again how much he’s suffered, yes he will:

I’ve overcome a lot, more than probably one single individual can handle or bear. You ask certain people to walk through my shoes, they probably couldn’t do. Probably 95 percent of the people in this world because nobody had to endure what I’ve been through, situations I’ve been put in, situations I put myself in and decisions I have made, whether they have been good or bad.

Last Sunday, after the Eagles’ stupid ass loss to the Washington Redskins, a Facebook friend went off about how people should LEAVE Mike Vick alone, and he’d DONE his time, and BLAH and BLAH and BLAH and everyone shut up.

It irritated me, and the only thing I’d said was a random comment on my cousin’s Facebook — in response to something she said — about how what I heard when he got hurt was the sound of a hundred pit bulls lauging their asses off.

Yes, I knew he got injured in the game against the home team around here. No, I wasn’t especially sad that he was hurt. But that was that. I didn’t take to my Facebook or Twitter account to tell anyone else how to feel or what to say about Michael Vick. Because guess why?

I feel how I feel about him, and I move on. I don’t care how you feel about Michael Vick, or you or you or you. I’m neither going to “leave him alone” nor boycott the Eagles because they hired him. I listen to my co-worker talk about the Eagles and I don’t roll my eyes at him or ask him how he can bear to still support his lifelong home team.

Because it’s none of my business. And I don’t want him spouting anything off at me about how I need to let my feelings about this guy go, because how I feel about him is none of his business either.

I fail to see what kind of problems face Michael Vick. Sure, he went to jail. I’m sure that was upsetting. A lot of athletes go to jail for various infractions large and small. But my feelings lie with my belief that not only did he do what he did, since he got out he has been more or less an apologist for animal abuse. The way people talk and write about it, it’s just something you have to go to jail for awhile for doing, and sure, your operation is shut down and that’s awesome for the dogs who won’t be strangled and electrocuted on your watch. But people who condemned him, who dare to say anything negative or dare whisper “think of the PUPPIES” are painted as  unforgiving PETA-freaks who don’t understand that he has done his time.

His time that he earned.

He came out of jail to the tune of millions of dollars, back to a job and a public that, by and large, will not see him as a convict first.

So I think he’s going to be fine whether I root for him or not. And yes, I’ll cop to some minor satisfaction during reports today of how he wouldn’t be playing this week and probably next although he desperately wants to go back to Atlanta and face his former team. It’s just that I’m saving my cheers for people who to my knowledge would never have been capable of doing the stuff he did in the first place. I believe in redemption to a point, but not just because someone tells me that jail and a spanking new seven- figure salary helped a quarterback to heal himself. How anyone else feels about it is her business.