Brian Windhorst is one of the best beat writers in the NBA, but today I discovered he’s also a modern day Upton Sinclair.
It’s tough to be a reporter, truth-to-power, taking a stand in the face of adversity and all that. And sometimes you need to dispel egregious misconceptions. Sometimes, you need to point out that the emperor has no clothes. You have to stand in the face of a thousand dissenting voices and yell, “NO! This shall not stand!” Let not the ocean of opposition drown you out. You must defy all those who would silence you. Thank God we have men such as these. Thank God for Brian Windhorst.
No? I feel so deceived. Every day we’re all bombarded with how great it is here and how shit doesn’t catch on fire and Drew Carey, blah, blah.
But — holy fuck — was I misled. Now I find out it’s actually a gigantic putrid asshole? Damn what would I have done without the intrepid Brian Windhorst? What with all the jokes about how ridiculously great Cleveland is, one is almost forced to believe it the best place on earth. I distinctly remember that not once did I hear anyone suggest LeBron’s “the decision” was based on the fact that no one would ever want to live in Cleveland by choice.
Now, almost a year later, he springs it on us. I’m glad he was finally able to muster the courage. I have to think his job is now on the line. But he’s taken the risk for us. He’s revealed the truth despite the obvious peril it exposes him to. While I appreciate that, it’s almost too much to take. Next thing you know he’ll be telling us it’s a BAD idea to put pictures of your cock on twitter. (No jinx!)
Finally, the whole thing makes a lot more sense. It was only a year ago Windhorst was saying LeBron “had blood on his hands” for his performance in the playoffs and that 2010 would be a “permanent mark” on his career. Now we find out LeBron was just so distracted by the declining population in northeast Ohio that he forgot to make baskets! His concern for our economic well-being was so great he had to shoot foul shots left-handed in order to demonstrate the backwardness and corruption rampant in Cuyahoga County! It may have APPEARED he was standing idly by as his team fell apart, but in actuality he was busy drawing up ways to reconfigure the tax structure to attract new businesses. I take back all the bad things I said about you, LeBron. It’s shameful I was unable to solve this mystery myself when everything was right there in front of my face.
So carry on, Brian Windhorst. Shine your beacon of truth wherever the dark shadows of deceit would obscure our vision.
So, Miami lost to the Celtics on Sunday. And let me assure you that although I am a Celtics fan, my comments really aren’t about the strength of the C’s, but about the weakness of Miami, which is what I have been saying all along, and is chief among the reasons why I thought the formation of the Big Three on the Heat was an effing disaster and a stupid idea from the beginning.
They have James, Bosh and Wade. But that’s ALL they have. And though I am a fan of seeing them lose — of course I am — what bothers me is that it’s yet another display of astonishing arrogance from LeBron James, et al., who think that they are big enough to carry an entire team. Yes, players like Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, Jason Kidd (in his prime, anyway) can do enough to change the course of a game, but a lot of that is in the way they manage the rest of their team and lead by example. They know you can’t win a championship on the shoulders of one, two or even three players alone.
Miami doesn’t seem to really get that. The Heat has nothing in terms of a bench. They have a CRAPPY bench. Compare it, as Wallace did here, to the C’s: Perkins, Rondo ( a star in his own right), Davis. The Celtics bench outscored the Heat, 52-20. That’s pretty significant.
Of course LeBron thought he’d be enough. Of course he did. As did Bosh and Wade, in a way, although I hold them less culpable, probably because I find them less obnoxious than LeBron. It’s probably a little personal, I’ll admit it. BUT STILL.
LeBron said, in his riff of the famous Charles Barkley Nike commercial, “I am not a role model.”
No. No you aren’t.
Jonna really dislikes LeBron, and doesn’t care who knows it.
Well, unless you’ve been living under a rock with poor wifi reception, you know there was a big game last night. That’s right my hockey team, your beloved Piranhas squared off against the hated Ice Barons. Although Ice Barons is a pretty terrible name for a hockey team, it doesn’t hold a candle to Piranhas. And check out our logo. It’s pretty low-res, but if you look closely, you can see he has gingivitis. (Remember to floss daily. Brushing alone isn’t enough!) At any rate, we lost, 5-3. I am the goalie and I gave up five goals — frowny face. Truthfully it should have been four because one was on a high stick the ref missed. It’s all very upsetting.
Ok, I kid. Well, not really. We did have a game last night and we did lose but so did our (growly announcer voice)CLEVELAND CAVALIERS!( /growly announcer voice) For the first time, the Cavs were facing longtime “savior” and now prodigal son, so-and-so.
Now, since I was playing hockey I didn’t see the whole game, but I did catch the beginning. And evidently I stopped watching at exactly the right time. When I stopped watching, the Cavs were winning, that mindless twit was playing passively and Drew Carey was looking skinny and kind of creepy actually. After that, festering puss bucket played really well. I would have expected as much, but I hoped maybe he’d be injured somehow and unable to perform. Did he take any shots left-handed? No? Did he complain that Heat fans took him for granted? No? Did he note the irony that “Heat fan” is oxymoronic? No! Tell me that he at least looked syphilitic? Yes?! Please tell me yes! This is all I need out of life.
Turns out that that insolent cad is pretty good at basketball. We all knew and that was never the point. In the seven years I watched him play, I probably only saw him play a handful of truly bad games. I expected that he’d play well. And he did. I didn’t have to see the game to know the ease with which he dominated is the perfect indictment against his performance against the Celtics in last year’s playoffs. I know back then he was concentrating on faking an elbow injury, but he’s a gifted charlatan and even when distracted he can put 25-5-5 on you.
Oh well. I wanted to be mad, but I’m haven’t been able to sustain the anger all these months. Once you realize somebody quit on you, there’s no sense in being upset. There’s no running down the street after them or standing outside their house, boom box raised overhead. Maybe I’m wistful for the old timey 2008 team, but overall, it’s meh. Not to say it didn’t sting, seeing him in an opponent’s uniform. Yesterday it was like your ex-wife showing up at your house in her shiny new Ferrari with her handsome (basketball skills-wise) new boyfriend (Dwyade) and their lovable pet t-rex (Chirs Bosh).
So it goes in Cleveland . All we can hope for now is an angry Dan Gilbert response letter.
Brock Lesnar is a monster. He fights some other dude tonight who looks somewhat less monstrous. As Godzilla vs. Gamera taught us, whichever guy first shoots flames out of his mouth is probably going to win. Also, get the comprehensive insurance if you’re in the Tokyo area.
NBA season is upon us. I still don’t think I’m emotionally ready to see LeBron clang 3-pointers off the rim all day in a Miami Heat uniform whilst fellating Dwyane Wade.
In other news, I am soon to play co-ed touch football. Our opponents are undefeated. So, yah, let’s all go out there and have some fun!
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