All posts tagged ice hockey

Stop the Matt Cooke Madness

By | March 21, 2011 | Fight!, Fired, Hockey, injuries | 3 Comments

Mario Lemieux needs to fire Matt Cooke. Beyond that, Matt Cooke should not be hirable by any NHL franchise. His professional ice hockey career should end.

It’s that simple. The head hit conversation continues this year – what’s dirty, what’s not, how much is too much. Is this just how the game is played or a squad of brutal enforcers who have heard “Crazy Train” blasting through the arena one too many times, hellbent on sucker punching and therefore brain damaging each other? (Because you know, when all else fails, blame Ozzy.)

This is a discussion that the Pittsburgh Penguins found themselves at the heart of after star Sidney Crosby was sidelined for the season with lingering concussion symptoms. Things had to be serious for Sid. His long term health, not to mention years of his career over the long-term, had to be at stake, or there’s no reason the team would have let him sit this long.

But the hits just keep on coming. And Mario LeMieux and Dan Bylsma cannot allow their players to even discuss the bad form and critical danger of contact hockey while they continue to employ a man who elbows unsuspecting dudes square in the cranium.

Well, they  can do both, sure. But it means that the next time Sid, or they, or any of their guys dare to complain about a head hit or hockey violence, that people can rightfully discount it as sour grapes. Because one of the worst, most unconscionable offenders is on their ice and their bench.

I don’t know who wants to see this kind of thing or gets a big charge out of it anyway, besides someone who enjoys abuse and pain, and I’m not sure those guys should be the target audience for anything. I love ice hockey. I remember going to Caps games in college, when it seemed that fights were dirtier and happened more often, and that aspect has nothing to do with why I love the sport now. I love my team, I love watching the players play the game, and honestly I have strong good will towards hockey players in general. I don’t want anyone to die or be seriously injured, and I sure as hell don’t want to watch it happen.

All I want is to watch a great sport played well. I want the players on the team I root for to get the damned puck in the net, and I want them to win. I would love to see the Washington Capitals win a Stanley Cup before I die, and if they don’t, it’s nice if they are at least playoffs contenders who keep me on the edge of my seat. None of this has anything to do with jacking anyone in the face from behind or tripping him and breaking his leg. It may have something to do with that for other people, although I will boldly say that it shouldn’t, but it matters zero to me. Matt Cooke played fewer than 30 games as a Washington Capital. I wouldn’t have supported this behavior from him then, and I wouldn’t stand behind it from anyone on the team now.

This would be a better time than just about any for Mario Lemieux to step up like the legend he is and make this kind of statement, too.

[Image credit: Jeff Vinnick/NHLI via Getty Images]

Bettman Says the Problem Isn’t Head Shots, the Problem is YOUR MOM

By | March 15, 2011 | Crazy People, Dain Bramage, Hockey, injuries, NHL, Rants | 3 Comments

Just a love tap.

Seriously, Bettman? Seriously?

Your proposed “solution” to this little problem you  have, also known as  “players are taking each other’s heads off to the tune of 79 concussions this season and counting”, is to make sure that a team doctor takes the player to the training room to see if they can still count to five *instead* of doing it at the bench. That’s your big idea, your big braniac wave of genius to stop your marquee players from sitting out most of the season or spending the entire playoff run thanking their lucky stars they only  have a broken neck as opposed to, you know, BEING DEAD.

Jesus Christ, Bettman. You’ve got enormous, 200-lb 6-foot-3 guys wearing fucking body armour moving as fast as they can with the sole intent of slamming each other into the nearest hard surface they can find.  And in all this, something seems to have escaped your notice. So, here’s a hint, dude: Guys are getting hurt. And your solution, your great big Messiah move to fix this, is to make sure doctors check out the guy who just got brained in the training room instead of on the bench.

In other words, you’re doing exactly nothing to prevent more hits. You just want to make sure the next time someone gets brained, they get checked in to the hospital sooner ’cause then they’re back on the ice for the next hit sooner. Right?

This will fix nothing, you are a fool, and the ultimate reality here is that someone is going to die. I hate typing this because one, it sounds so overly fucking dramatic and two, I am not a fan of invoking death generally. But this is what is going to happen, and Pacioretty’s just lucky it didn’t happen to him. With the injuries that are happening now, it’s only a matter of time. And because you’re such a fucking blockhead, it’s obvious that that’s the only thing that it’s going to take to get you to change the rules.

I don’t watch hockey because of the hits. I don’t watch hockey because of the fights. I watch hockey because it’s fast and slick and I like watching the plays and the puck move and wicked goalie saves. Removing headshots from the game won’t change anything except maybe saving someone’s life.

The Hot Boys of Hockey: The Phoenix Coyotes Edition

By | February 25, 2011 | Hockey | 2 Comments

I am a Packers fan. I used to love the Padres, when I was a kid. I am probably one of 12 people who can say that they have been to a San Diego Soccers’ game. But no other sport in the history of sports has made me a rabid, screaming, franchise-related, merchandise-wearing, will gladly watch all things related on tv, shit-talking fangirl, like hockey.

One of the many reasons is, in short…the guys are freakin’ hot.

I am starting with the Phoenix Coyotes because I live in Phoenix, and the Coyotes are the only franchise in this town which doesn’t make me want to set kittens on fire. Cardinals? Fans are annoying, Larry Fitzgerald is leaving and just getting to the Super Bowl doesn’t mean you won. The Suns? Kill me. Ugliest franchise colors, most irritating commentators and seriously, people. Los Suns? Just slapping “Los” in front of something doesn’t mean you are suddenly speaking Spanish. If Los Suns really wanted to show their support for the Latino population of Arizona, they would have produced a bunch of purple and orange shit with the name “Los Soles”. But, they didn’t. Which makes them Los Assholes.

Right, back to Coyotes. They are the redheaded, disregarded stepchildren of the NHL. And quite a few of them are also hot.

I shall commence with the list.

The Hot Boys of Hockey: The Phoenix Coyotes Edition (aka- Reasons Why I Am a Dirty Old Lady)

Taylor Pyatt

The zoom lens on my camera allowed me to snap this picture and NOT violate the restraining order! I kid. This dude is GORGEOUS. Look at those eyes. Ahhhh, my favorite left wing. He’s 6’3″, 226 and plays like a badass. It also appears that he has all of his teeth. That’s always a plus.

Scottie Upshall

Scottie is just adorable. He is sweet to the fans, interviews like the nicest guy in the world and glows when he talks about his girlfriend. Glows. He is also a left wing, a clutch player and all of his team mates have nothing but good words to say about him. Nice can be totally hot. It doesn’t hurt that he’s 6′ and 200 lbs of pure, puck-pushing hot.

Sami Lepisto

Now, I have to suspend my normal annoyance of oddly spelled names for Sami. Because when you spell Sami with an “i”, the automatic assumption is that you are speaking of a blonde teenage girl with braces and loads of hormones. However, I will cut Sami some slack because, he was born in Finland and I am sure that Sami is as common a name for boys for the Finnish, as Cumulunu is in the States.

Wait, what?

I have a thing for amazing eyes and really nice forearms. Sami has both, even if he spells his name with an I.

Paul Bissonette

Okay, now Paul Bissonette, aka Biznasty to us ‘Yotes fans isn’t the most traditionally hot of the hot boys. I mean, he’s not going to crack your mirror or anything. But the thing about Biznasty? He is a big ol’ goon, whose sole purpose is to cause shit and knock people over. That makes him automatically endearing to me. But the best thing about Mr Bissonette?

He is hysterical.

His interviews are always so totally wrong and outrageous. Everything out of his mouth is hilarious and his Twitter account? Hilar. he uses phrases like “Panty Soup”.

Keith Yandle

Now here’s the bitch about Mr Yandle. He looks SO good on tv, in person he is absolutely gorgeous. But yet, every single image search came up with the shittiest pictures ever. Which lead me to a conclusion. My boyfriend, Keith Yandle, is so hot that cameras can’t even capture a good facsimile of how hot he is. Hot.

He is the NHL’s leading defenseman in scoring. He fights, he skates like a bat out of hell, he gets the job done. He also has amazing eyes, a chewable set of kissers and the least Bostony of all the Boston accents I’ve ever heard. Because, as hot as he is, the Boston accent is not exactly panty soup inducing. Those eyes though? Well, they most certainly are.

There you have them, the hottest of the hotness that is my Phoenix Coyotes. Next time? Another, less hot team, who will nonethless be hot as well.

Pens vs Isles: And The Crazy Comes To Town

By | February 12, 2011 | Crazy People, Fight!, Hockey, NHL | 2 Comments

Whew. That was a doozy, wunnit?

The Pittsburgh Penguins came to Long Island, where the Isles had a point to prove. After a goalie-on-goalie slugfest left the Islanders’ DiPietro out for four to six weeks with a broken face last courtesy of Pens’ goalie Brent Johnson Wednesday night, the Islanders prepped for their home-and-home rematch by calling up AHL goon Michael Haley and taping their hands.

You’d think the outcome would be predictable. Sure, if 65 penalties totaling 346 minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, 20 misconducts and probably a pile of suspensions is “predictable”.

Upshot: the Isles chopped, slashed, hacked and punched everyone in their sights, and the Pens were obviously scared witless as they got destroyed goal-wise even before the melee began. By the third period it was a free-for-all and both benches barely had enough players left to finish the game, as evidenced by this snapshot from PGHPenguins on Twitter.

This article over at The Hockey Writers is the best summary I’ve seen so far, complete with video clips and NHL regulations.  My favourite moment, though?

Go to about 2:30 of this video and watch Haley getting pulled off Maxime Talbot (snort) and then wander off, looking for something else to do, and head right over to Pens goalie Brent Johnson who was forlornly watching all the fun by himself and looked more than happy to engage with Haley. Until the Pens’ Eric Godard left the bench, earning himself – and likely the coach – a nice hefty suspension and got in Haley’s way.

Twitter, as always, loaned a great dynamic of snark. Favourites included this classic from DownGoesBrown:

Isles fans seemed rather impressed that their team showed up for a change.

And, an excellent point if anyone’s looking for a shot at the NHL:

Not surprisingly, all the NHL had to say about it?Denial. Not just a river in Egypt.

Ultimately, piles of suspensions and fines will be handed out today, likely to both teams, Pittsburgh’s coach, and god knows who else. And lots of people are tsk-tsk-tsking over it this morning, but come on. It’s hockey. This is what we pay exorbitant ticket prices for. A good hockey fight warms up a nice long winter, after all.

Sid the Kid Says: Dirty Hits Up In Here

By | January 14, 2011 | Dain Bramage, Fight!, Hockey, NHL, Rants | 1 Comment

Sidney Crosby is out with a concussion and he wants everyone to know that it’s because of dirty, dirty hits.

In other news, Sid the Kid is spending his days off at tea parties and shopping at Forever 21.

I’m sorry. Really. I don’t normally make fun of the injured and I’ve tried to give this guy the soft pedal treatment overall. As a diehard Washington Capitals fan, I know that I’m supposed to blindly despise Crosby and think Ovi is better and not remove my toque when “O Canada” plays because Sid won them the gold medal and all other manner of hoo-de-ha.

But I don’t and I won’t. Truth is truth, facts are facts. Sidney Crosby is an excellent hockey player. He’s outplaying Ovechkin by goals and points again this season, and more or less lives up to his hype.

And I’ll say this, even though it irritates me when it comes true against my hometown hockey team or my country’s Olympic team: he is my most favorite kind of athlete (or person, really.) He can really be there in the clutch. “O Canada,” remember? That was just beautiful.

But the hits he’s bitching about now? Please. The Steckel hit was not dirty. Steckel was after the puck and ran into Crosby who sort of drifted into his way. That happened. Premeditated? Doesn’t appear to be, and I’ve watched it a lot of times.

Conditions were problematic on that ice period, and it was a scrapper, but watching this tape it just looks like an accidental collision at an awkward angle. The NHL called it incidental contact.

The hit on the boards from the Lightning’s Victor Hedman was harder and rightly drew a boarding penalty, but I watch a lot of hockey and it’s not unlike a lot of other hits on the boards I see on any given night.

A hard hit? Yes. A dirty hit? No.

Crosby’s take on things is that both Steckel and Hedman should have been penalized, of course.

“I didn’t like them. You talk about head shots and dealing with them, that’s been something that’s been a pretty big point of interest from (general managers) and players…When I look at those two hits and we talk about blind-side and an unsuspecting player … There’s no puck there on both of them. A direct hit to the head on both of them. When you go through the criteria, I think they fit all those.”

I haven’t been on ice skates in decades but I’ve watched a lot of hockey, and if I signed up for an amateur women’s team, I would expect to get the crap kicked out of me. It’s that kind of game. Want to see some dirty hits?

I don’t like to join the chorus of complaining that Sid’s a whiner (and obviously I hope he is symptom-free soon) but the shoe, in this case, fits pretty well.

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