Or they were when my teams were still in. Now thanks to the New York Rangers and the Indiana Pacers I am left bereft.

I am also a poet and didn’t know it.

But now that I am out of my playoff induced fog (That playoff beard I was working so hard on never came in, I suppose I should be thankful. Electrolysis is expensive.) I realized that there are other things in this world besides hockey and basketball, and since I can’t work my fantasy baseball team and football doesn’t start for months I will share with you these items of note:

1) The New York Giants have unveiled their new Super Bowl Rings.

I like it but it needs more diamonds.

Subtle.

2) Remember those shoes that were supposed to make your butt look awesome and didn’t? Skechers got totally busted for false advertising. They have to pay $40 million to settle charges made by the FTC.

Skechers is also barred from making unsubstantiated claims about the fitness and health benefits of their shoes.

I don’t see that as a punishment as much as something that they should have been doing in the first place.

I suspect the heft of the fine is due in part to offensiveness of the shoe itself.

3) The New Orleans Saints are going to honor Sean Payton by not letting anyone sit in his chair while he is serving his suspension. That’s right. Nobody can sit in his assigned seat on the team bus or airplane.

This would be awesome if he was four years old and all of the rest of the member of the Saints organization and the sports media were his brothers and sisters, but as it is it just seems like a hollow gesture. Sure he sanctioned hurting people for money, but that doesn’t mean he is bad at sharing.

4) Laurie Fine, wife of Bernie Fine is suing ESPN for libel. She says they destroyed her husband’s reputation and her quality of life by reporting that Bernie Fine molested two Syracuse ball boys decades ago.

But she was okay with this?

Fine says that she wants to restore her good name which is ironic because I have never heard of her before today and now I think she did something bad because when I did a google search for her I found this article.

Her lawyer says that Mrs. Fine “can’t even go to Wegmans.” apparently because people recognize her and, I don’t know, scowl? I am thinking that a high profile lawsuit should fix that. Good plan.

ESPN stands by their reporting.

Real Salt Lake Ruins Sounders’ Good Time
Full Disclosure: I’m Sounders ’til I die. I’m Sounders ’til I die. I know I am, I’m sure I am, I’m Sounders ’til I die.

In a world where the Beautiful Game reigned as supreme in the US as it does throughout the rest of the world, this match between two of the top three teams in the Western Conference would have been pumped up all over the airwaves last week. Both teams came into the match with equal win totals (seven), with the Sounders holding three games in hand. While RSL was solidly in first place with 23 points, Seattle had won five in a row and looked white hot. So, of course, through measured play, good goalkeeping from Nick Rimando, and a completely anticlimactic goal by Fabian Espindola in the 51st minute, the Claret and Cobalt defeated the Sounders 1-0. I suppose this lived up to its billing as a good match nationally, but in my opinion, [redacted for lack of impartiality]. Of course, as a Sounders fan, I also believe that [redacted for inflammatory language]. Finally, [redacted for graphic threats and unsubstantiated claims against specific Real Salt Lake players and MLS referees]. Oh well. Better luck next time.

Who Needs Thierry?
When the Red Bulls’ Thierry Henry went down with a pulled hamstring during the April 28th match against the New England Revolution, I had pretty much written off New York as a lost cause. Hammies take a while to heal, even for super-talented French forwards, and I assumed that the rest of the team would fail to step up in his absence. Boy was I wrong. The Metros have won all three matches since Henry’s injury and subsequent inactivity, including a 3-2 offensive romp against the Philadelphia Union on Saturday. New York has now won four of their last five and seven games overall to just edge Sporting Kansas City for first place in the Eastern Conference. Head coach Hans Backe has his club playing at a high level in Henry’s absence, which will make them much scarier when he returns. (Brief aside: even though Henry has been out for three weeks, he still ranks in the top five in the MLS in shots on goal, total goals, and assists. Rest that leg, big fella. Take all the time you need).

Union Dissolving Before Our Eyes
In completely unsubstantiated rumor-mongering, club leadership for both Chivas USA and the Philadelphia Union alternately deny and unofficially confirm that Union captain and defender Danny Califf could be dealt to the Rojiblancos for… something comparable, like some new goal netting, maybe. Even for MLS news, this is a non-story. Califf has only played in four of the Union’s nine games this season, and in those games the Union posted a 0-3-1 record. While it’s wrong to say that he’s the sole reason for Philadelphia’s poor showing in those games, he certainly didn’t change the outcome or even make the club more competitive. Regardless, if Chivas USA considers an eight-year MLS veteran (who was even out of the league between 2005 and 2010) to be an upgrade at centerback, more power to them.

Source

Of course, that’s easy for me to say, being a cocky Seattle Sounders fan.

Anyway. Let’s take a brief look at some of the more notable news from last week, shall we?

Galaxy Drop Two in a Row
Undeniably the class of the entire MLS last season, the LA Galaxy lost both of their games last week, the first to the Seattle Sounders and the second to the Thierry Henry-less New York Red Bulls. Perhaps even more hilarious shocking is that this isn’t an unusual occurrence this season: even with the combined power of David Beckham, Robbie Keane, and Landon Donovan, the Galaxy have only managed to win a third of their nine games played, netting them ten total points so far this season. For those playing along at home, that point total puts them above two teams in the Western Conference: perennial cellar dwellers Chivas USA and the surprisingly average Portland Timbers. Look on the bright side, Riot Squad: If you played in the East, you’d be right in the thick of it, and you do have five months to turn things around. The turn-around could start very soon, as the Galaxy play their next two games against the evenly matched Montréal Impact and woeful Chivas. They need to win them both to start gaining momentum in the very tough Western Conference.

Nice Job. Don’t Get Cocky.
Speaking of surprising turn-arounds, what the hell is happening up in Vancouver? Last year, the Whitecaps finished dead last after winning only six games. So far this year, they’ve won five, including last Saturday’s match against the San Jose Earthquakes. That win total is good enough at the moment to put them in fourth place in the West. If I were head coach Tom Soehn, I’d send a card to the Philadelphia Union after every game the ‘Caps won, thanking them over and over for trading Sébastien Le Toux to Vancouver. Of course, GK Joe Cannon and the rest of Vancouver’s defense deserve the lion’s share of the credit, as they have only allowed seven goals in nine games played. This team is no longer a doormat, and if they keep up this level of play, they should make a lot of noise in the post season.

David and Goliath
Go ahead, MLS fans: without using your favorite search engine, name one person who plays for the Montréal Impact, the league’s newest expansion team. (Don’t worry. I can’t either.) I’ll bet Sporting Kansas City knows a few names, though. Being in first place in the East with 21 points in nine games played, they likely assumed they would roll over the Impact, especially on their home field. Inside, they got rolled 2-0 themselves. Sporting has little to worry about; it’s only their second loss so far this season, while this win gives the Impact a total of three. Still, if the newest club in the league can take it to Sporting KC, you can bet that every other MLS club took notice.

Source

The former linebacker played over 260 games in his 20-year career, most of which for the San Diego Chargers and New England Patriots, where he was much beloved. His Junior Seau Foundation worked to “educate and empower young people through the support of child abuse prevention, drug and alcohol awareness, recreational opportunities, anti-juvenile delinquency efforts and complimentary educational programs.” He was 43.

Source

It should be noted that windows are made of glass. So, too, I’m assuming, is the collective and fragile psyche of the Knickerbocker nation and the reasons are many. First, there was that whole Isiah Thomas deal, and if that wasn’t bad enough, then they had to watch helplessly as their team paid $11.6 million to that dude that Zeke sexually assaulted (allegedly) during his, um, impotent tenure.

Then there’s this: the Knicks haven’t won a playoff game since the early 2000′s. After last night, the streak stood at 12 consecutive post-season defeats, equaling the mark set by the Memphis Grizzlies. So, yeah, glass psyche. I’d say that just about sums it up.

Which is what makes the latest bump in the Knick’s hapless road so apropos because it, too, has to do with glass. Namely a glass case that held a fire extinguisher which Amare Stoudemire punched as he walked off the court after their Game 2 loss against the Heat. What was he thinking?

Well, he did shoot 6-9 from the floor. Maybe he thought he was on fire.

Or maybe he was just wanted to make the infamous list of players with self-inflicted injuries.

Remember the Gus Frerotte head butt? That was a good time.

And let’s make certain we include Plaxico Burress on this list. First off, because the guy was selfless enough to suspend his entire career for his self-inflicted injury. And second because he’s an American Badass along the lines of John Wayne. (Bobbit. John Wayne Bobbit. Say, speaking of, did you hear that Lorena Bobbit died in a car wreck? Apparently some dick cut her off.) But seriously, who wouldn’t wanna club with Plax while he’s packing heat? Bullets to the thigh parlayed with time in the pokey? Tell me that’s not an epic story that wouldn’t totally get you laid the next time you found yourself talking to a coupla vapid chicks who thought that shooting yourself and going to jail were super sexy.

But my very favorite of the self inflicted wounds was when Bill Gramatica hurt himself after celebrating (get this) a 42-yard first-half field goal. (Luh-ooo-sir) It didn’t take long for the world to learn that he tore his ACL, but still no word on whether or not he strained his pussy, too.

Amare, if you’re reading, please know that all three of the aforementioned injuries make your hurt hand come off like a twisted ankle suffered in the heat of battle. So, I’m hoping you can at least take solace in that.

Well, that, and the fact that at least you won’t be on the floor when the Knicks tie the all-time record for playoff futility with unlucky number 13.

Amare Photo Credit

Illegal Use of Arms Photo Credit

Oen took the silver in the 2008 Olympics in Beijing and had been attending an altitude training camp in Flagstaff, Arizona at the time of his death.

Norway mourns the loss of a great athlete.

source

Actually, we just chose our favorite team’s picks and, for the most part, lambasted them. I mean, that’s why you come here, right? Right.

Let’s get to it.

#3 (Cleveland Browns): Trent Richardson, RB (Alabama)

It’s hard to not be a little excited about the Browns kicking off the team’s 2012 draft by moving up to pick Alabama running back Trent Richardson. Richardson was a monster in college, scoring 21 rushing touchdowns in 2011 alone — WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THE SAME NUMBER OF TOUCHDOWNS SCORED BY THE ENTIRE BROWNS’ OFFENSE LAST SEASON.

I got a little giddy seeing him holding up a Cleveland jersey last night. And then, as always, I remember: it’s the Browns. And somehow, the factory of sadness will screw this up.

– Uncle Crappy

#7 (Tampa Bay Buccaneers): Mark Barron, SS (Alabama)

First of all, I thought the Bucs had the  5th pick. I’m not sure why. Maybe we always have the 5th pick. Whatever, so when the Vikings took Matt Kalil and I realized there were still two picks between them and me and I left the bar and drove home. It was our first time using this babysitter and I didn’t want to be home late.

When I got home my babysitter was sweeping which seemed weird, but a lightbulb broke so I helped him and then I couldn’t find my dust pan which was missing. I don’t know where it went, it is just gone, but I don’t care about dust pans so I paid him and turned on the tv and I totally missed it. Tampa Bay drafted Mark Barron. Mark Barron is (according to the internet) a strong safety from Alabama. The internet also says he is awesome. I choose to believe them.

He is cute, though.

Here is a picture of him after he was arrested for fleeing the scene of an accident back in March. Welcome to Tampa, Mark, you should fit right in.

– Goon Squad Sarah

#15 (Seattle Seahawks): Bruce Irvin, OLB/DE (West Virginia)

Wait, who? From where? What the hell is going on here?

I’ll be honest: I thought I would be writing up a blurb on UNC’s Quinton Coples or South Carolina’s Melvin Ingram or even Syracuse’s Chandler Jones (the guy I wanted for the ‘Hawks), but instead I have to do RESEARCH and READ THINGS on the INTERNET. Thanks, Pete Carroll. Jeez.

Turns out the kid’s had a rough life, actually. After failing out of high school in his junior year, he lived on the streets for two years, eventually reaching a low point when he spent two weeks in jail for allegedly robbing a drug dealer. He got his act together soon after, earning his GED and, eventually a spot on Mount San Antonio College’s football team, before transferring to West Virginia.

This kid is, not to put too fine a point on it, a project. Carroll wants Irvin to man the totally made-up Leo linebacker position on the Seahawks defense where he will rush the passer, rush the passer, and occasionally tackle running backs in the backfield. It’s also, apparently, hard to describe this guy without making him sound like an orangutan, so I won’t. Let’s just say that I hope to hell Carroll and General Manager John Schneider know what they’re doing.

– Mighty Hunter

#19 (Chicago Bears): Shea McClellin, DE (Boise State)

So here are my thoughts on this guy on 2012 Draft Night 1 – well, we need some defensive lineman. (We need everything.) And this guy can play on the line and can also play outside linebacker. And let’s be honest, sadly Brian Urlacher and Lance Briggs cannot live forever in their current states as world-class athletes. So, good pick? Unfortunately the only other thing I can think of is that Boise State used to be led by Dirk Koetter. And then Dirk came to ASU. And then he ruined what little of a college football program we had. (Dennis Erickson then ground it into a find powder and let it blow away in the wind.) So forgive me if I might already dislike this guy because he went to Boise State and played on a blue field. By choice. Also, NFL.com called him fat.

– Kristen

#22 (Cleveland Browns): Brandon Weeden, QB (Oklahoma State)

With their second 1st round pick, the Cleveland Browns selected QB Brandon Weeden from OSU. Or I assume that’s how they’ll try to sell it to the fans, despite the fact that he went to Oklahoma State. With a strong, accurate arm Weeden set several OSU passing marks in his two years as a starter. Several teams were undoubtedly scared off by his age, as he is going to turn 29 shortly after the NFL season starts. A minor league pitcher for several years out of high school, Weeden’s 5.02 career ERA gave him a good reason to retire and switch gears back to football. Given his history of flip-flopping, if for some reason he can’t beat out the much-maligned Colt McCoy for the starting QB job with the Browns, his mediocre pitching history should easily qualify him to become the crosstown Indians #3 starter.

– The Dude of the House

#24 (Pittsburgh Steelers): David DeCastro, G (Stanford)

Words of wisdom from Adam Schefter, via Twitter: “Here’s why Pitt took G David DeCastro: Steelers used a league-high 25 different offensive line combinations last season.” With DeCastro’s addition, that will instantly make it 26. That said, Ben Roethlisberger has been sacked 314 times in his career, and 42 times last year. DeCastro’s 316 pounds lining up at right guard should help in that regard. The Steelers were incredibly lucky to find DeCastro still available at 24 and say he will be given every opportunity to start.

– ClumberKim

#31 (Tampa Bay Buccaneers), Doug Martin, RB (Boise State)

Apparently while I was watching the hockey game, the Bucs traded up to get another 1st round pick. Word on the street is that after trading from fifth to seventh to get a fourth-round pick from Jacksonville the Bucs gave their second-round pick and that fourth to Denver for the Broncos fourth-round pick, a box of pop tarts and the 31st overall pick.

I made up the part about the pop tarts mostly to see if you were even paying attention.

I think it was a good pick. Tampa Bay can never have too many running backs. Our RBs have a tendency to either get injured or arrested, which reminds me that last night before I left the bar I told some of my husband’s co-workers that I would have Mike Alstott’s baby. I don’t remember why I told them that, but I totally would.

Look at Doug Martin’s arms! They say he plays like Ray Rice. I look forward to that.

– Goon Squad Sarah

Honorable Mention: Denver Broncos

What the hell were they thinking? The list of needs is long and they traded away both, yes, BOTH, of their first round picks. Receivers, tight ends, linebackers, corner backs, defensive tackles: Denver needs them all, and they likely let at least two go that could have been big contributors to this team that is being built on Peyton Manning’s shoulders.

Oh! Hey! That’s it. They must have mistaken this year for the 1998 draft and thought that their first round pick was Manning. You know, I really, really want to trust what the organization is doing but so far John Elway has made two big, stupid decisions, and I’m finding it hard to keep the faith. Come on, Broncos, let’s do something logical in the second round, OK?

– Headless Mom

No. I really don’t hate that at all. Plus, I said the Capitals would win it in 7.

Of course, I also said this:

I still say we take this series in seven games. One, because I know this team is good enough, but more than that, my teams like to bring me up just to shove me back down… Oh yes, the Caps will get me to finally buy that $160 Ovechkin jersey that everyone else in a 150 mile radius already owns. They might even go to the Eastern Conference Championship game before they check out causing a rash of “Rock the Red” tattoos…

…Yes, the Caps will get our hopes up. This city will go insane. We will get excited and loud and obnoxious and talk trash to our friends from Pennsylvania, California and Florida. We might even trash talk the New York people and those of you who inexplicably root for Detroit. THEN we will be shamed. Because that is how it goes.

Which I desperately hope isn’t true, even though I believe it.

Not that it is going to stop me from acting like a crazy person all week wearing my Caps gear everywhere and high fiving strangers that are also wearing red.

Because that is what we do. You can make fun of me, but you would do the same thing if it was your team – people from Anaheim yell “GO DUCKS” and don’t laugh. People from Philadelphia wear safety orange. People from Boston send their cousins threatening text messages right after the third period therefore assuring their overtime loss, Jason.  PEOPLE FROM DETROIT WEAR TURKEYS ON THEIR HEADS.

I’m not really making fun of you. I mean, I am, but I live in a town where when we draft RG3 in a few hours people are going to start planning Super Bowl parties. Washington fans are not reasonable people. The people of Washington D.C. just re-elected Marion Barry to public office.

Whatever. When it comes to hockey these are my people and this is my team and now I will pretend I never said anything bad about round 2.

LET’S GO CAPS!

Photo Elsa via 

By now you know about the Saints’ bounty program run by former Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams. Not only did he offer players cash rewards for seriously injuring other players, he was indisputably recorded by a documentarian while doing it. I’m guessing that he let his MENSA membership lapse a while back.

Was this a "bounty-related" hit on Favre? Or does he just find Brett as annoying as everyone else?

Now the Saints GM Mickey Loomis, who is already suspended for half the upcoming season for not doing anything to stop Williams’ loco behavior, is accused of wiretapping the opposing teams’ radio signals so he could hear their game plans. I’m just waiting for him to blame it on having had one too many Hurricanes at Pat O’Briens.

So with the Saints turning out to be anything but angels, it’s reminded me of some other ironic things in the sports world.

Utah “Jazz”: That nickname worked when the Jazz played in New Orleans, but in Utah it makes about as much sense as Metallica playing at the Mormon Tabernacle.  The “Lakers” would be a more appropriate name for them, especially since it doesn’t really apply to the LA squad who left Minnesota for a lake-less area 50+ years ago.

San Diego “Padres”: Padres seems like it would be a much more appropriate name for an NFL or NBA team, where it could apply to players like Shawn Kemp or Antonio Cromartie, than for the clean-cut MLB team in pristine San Diego.

Calgary “Flames”: Perhaps if there were more flames in Calgary, it wouldn’t have an average temperature of 16 Fahrenheit in the winter and 61 Fahrenheit in the summer. That’s flaming cold.

Referring to American Football as “Football”: I’m not a soccer fan at all, but at least in that sport every player uses their feet on the ball. In American Football, the only 2 players allowed to use their feet on the ball are commonly regarded as the least significant and worst athletes on the team.

The excitement of top draft picks: I know it’s cool to be chosen #1, but how long is it going to take Andrew Luck to realize he’s not very lucky to be heading to the Colts? How many of his Stanford classmates are getting jobs with companies rated as the worst in their respective industries?

American teams who win their league titles referring to themselves as “World Champions”:  North American champions, maybe. But world? Could the reigning Stanley Cup “World Champion” Boston Bruins defeat the best team from the Russian Superleague in a series? They barely defeated Vancouver. Again, I’m not a soccer fan, but the World Cup really might be the one playoff where a true World Champion is crowned.

Metta World Peace: The hoopster formerly known as Ron Artest is still a dirtbag, despite his new pacifist-implying name, as evidenced by his recent cheap shot on James Harden.

"Can you hear me now?"

Albert Pujols: For a guy whose name sounds like a toddler’s nickname for his anus, he sure doesn’t play like ass.

What are some other ironic things you’ve noticed about sports?

* * *

Dude Of The House is an Ohio-native who has lived in Southern California for more than a dozen years, but is still a die-hard Indians, Browns, Cavs and Buckeyes fan. He’s warmed up to the Dodgers after many years but still thinks that watching pitchers hit is ridiculous. He doesn’t follow LA’s pro football team.

When not hanging out here, he can be found at Dudeofthehouse.blogspot.com  or wasting way too much time on Facebook  and still trying to figure out the purpose of Twitter. Go stop by and say hello. Bring deep-dish pizza, if you can.