All posts in Unsportmanlike Conduct

Only months after Ray Lewis’ prediction that crime would run rampant if the 2011-2012 NFL Lockout was not resolved, it seems his concerns were valid. As it turns out, with nothing much else left to do, NFL players are turning to crime.

Pacman Jones of the Cincinnati Bengals (aka “send us your problems and we’ll still lose a lot”) was arrested last night for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. Words were shouted, probably some F-bombs… I wasn’t there. But I doubt he was saying, “Excuse me, my good sir? I take offense to that and demand a retraction. Poppycock.”  That’s what I say when someone really pisses me off. I don’t have many friends and I like it that way.

Since this is one of many recent NFL player scuffles with Johnny Law, I’m beginning to wonder if Ray’s words were a prediction or a threat.  Either way, I am scared and find myself needing to appeal to his sense of compassion.

Dear Ray,

We hear you and we get it. We need “protection”.  We wouldn’t want anyone to come around and smash our stores or hurt us, you know, because it’s a dangerous world where super athletes can crush you at any given moment. Especially if they are left to their own devices.

I’ve sent a check to the NFL Players association and will send as much as I can once a week. If I’m late or a little short, I’ll be sure to include the vig and there’s no need to send anyone down to remind me of my obligation.  I’d just like to thank you for keeping me safe in this scary time and promise to do my part in ending this horrendous lockout. I also believe you should all be rich beyond your wildest dreams, and unlike the rest of the country, not be forced to taper back on your lifestyles. Not everyone realizes how important pushing people down is to our world and despite my efforts, they just don’t get it. I’ll often push them down and say, “See? See how awesome that was? Imagine if I was stronger and there was a ball involved.” And still, nothing. I can’t reach them, Ray.

When I first heard the NFL Players Association attorney say that the owners were trying to roll back salaries to 2007 levels, I was obviously shocked.  I don’t even remember 2007.  Isn’t that when “Leave it to Beaver” aired? Or was it when the wheel was invented? I suck at history facts and stuff. I would have to write Jeopardy a check if I played on it. Should I? I’ll send money wherever you want, is what I’m saying. Please tell Mr. Jones I’m on your side.

In all seriousness, I am a jokester but am completely concerned. Especially after writing this. Gilbert Brown has already called me a dummy and I am a small man. I smoke too much, I eat nothing that’s good for me and my back hurts when trying to pick up… well, anything, really. Bending is like a sport for me. I have to get all geared up for it and hype myself up. I saw Tom Brady uses smelling salts before a game. I’m thinking about it. I drop something, do some smelling salts and then get to picking that shit up. But what if I drop the salts? That would suck and we’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. Maybe I’ll keep them on a little string or just tape them to my face. The world needs more problem solvers like me.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you murdered anyone and even if you did, who am I to judge?  I’ve murdered people. Well, not really, but I’ve given them dirty looks and it’s pretty much the same thing. Sometimes I sit across the room  and squish their heads between my fingers. I can be an animal when you push my buttons.

That was in no way a threat. Your head is safe from my mental head squishing. I realize I’m way outnumbered and there’s no way I could squish all of your heads if you bum-rushed me, and since you’re professionals at it, I lack the tendon dexterity to battle you. I might get two or three of you, but I can’t do it with my left hand. At least not as well. Probably shouldn’t have told you that. But now you know and I surrender.

Anyway, it’s late and I’m rambling. I don’t sleep well when I’m afraid. Please let me know you got the check or if I’m still not beaten up or something, I’ll just assume you received it. Thanks and good luck with the lockout.

-Scared in ATL… I mean… Cuba… London, Cuba. It’s new.

P.S. The other day, I squished Jerry Jones’ head. I’m sure you can tell.  I usually charge for that, but this one was on the house.