Draft Day Suit

The only thing that makes me more angry than being forced to watch T.O. and Ocho Cinco’s antics on a football field is having to watch either of their antics without a football game going on around them.  To me, both these guys kind of typify sore-winning, sore-losing and overwhelming self-importance. Is it possible these two will be on the same team? I hope so, because I already don’t care if the Bengals win, but now I can clearly put them in the “I hope everyone on the Bengals loses today except the guy on my fantasy team” category.

I think T.O. can be a great addition to any team that plans on winning a lot of games. Because as long as you’re winning and T.O. doesn’t have a problem with the way you’re running things, you shouldn’t have any difficulties. And I think even  T.O. realizes he’s lost a step and Ochocinco is numero uno. I imagine they’ll be great buddies and probably even be great leaders… if you’re winning. Otherwise, they’ll eat your team from the inside out with a bunch of “Carson Palmer throws like a woman sometimes” and “I don’t know why coach doesn’t draw up more plays to get me the damn ball” and “I think Carson is gay” and then one of them legally changes his name to a symbol that you have to print on the back of his jersey, becoming “the artist formerly known as the greatest receiver who ever lived”.

I don’t watch a lot of college football, but are there any 19-23 year olds out there who can run pretty fast and catch the ball 1 out of every 2 times it’s thrown to them? We’re looking for someone about 6′ 5″, big hands, good listener. Anyone?

In Dallas, T.O. was relatively quiet but did complain about not getting enough opportunities while dropping pass after pass. In fact, it was those missed opportunities that opened up the opportunity for Miles Austin to shine. And shine he did.

I’m not saying Owens doesn’t have a year or two of decent football left, I am saying that it seems the downside no longer outweighs the upside.  Let’s not forget, he sucked his last year in Dallas and it wasn’t because his team was without an offense. In that case, he actually proved to be a detriment to the offense and lost his job a more sure-handed receiver.  In Buffalo, he made zero difference. Can he help anyone win anymore?

Owens worked out with the Bengals in March and they passed on him then, but now that T.O. is still a free agent, maybe Cinci feels they’re in a stronger negotiating position and can get him for a song. That’s probably true, but take into consideration that he might not be worth more than a song, even one that doesn’t have a good beat or that you can’t dance to.  Also take into consideration that when my fantasy draft comes around next month, I will be specifically avoiding all Bengals players, pretty much like I do every year. How that will affect your decision, I’m not sure, but I just thought you should know either way.

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Joe Montana is selling his championship rings on eBay for bail money. Bid now!

Let’s pretend for a moment that you are Joe Montana, legendary Notre Dame and NFL quarterback and three time Super Bowl MVP.

Life is good, you’re probably hanging on a beach somewhere, maybe doing some speaking engagements and enjoying your retirement.

Then your son gets arrested at a party for underage drinking in South Bend, Indiana.  But really, who can fault the kid?  It’s South Bend, Indiana.  What the hell else should he be doing?  I suppose there’s always cruising the main drag or people watching at WalMart.

Anyway, so, you’re Joe Montana.  Are you more embarrassed that your son got arrested, or that the publicity it stirs up lets everyone know that your kid spent last season as a back-up quarterback at Pasadena City College?

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David Stern is the NCAA of professional sports fining. Say or do anything and you are likely in violation of some rule and subject to his sanction. But unlike the NCAA, David Stern’s whimsies are not published anywhere that I know of. He just kind of goes from day to day and levies fines when he needs a new pair of cuff links or some other rich guy accessory.

So it goes for my hero, Dan Gilbert. David Stern just dropped a 100K bomb on Danny boy for his Comic Sans diatribe criticizing LeBron James and his “THE DECISION.” Reading his comments, it’s not exactly clear what his violation was, other than going a little batshit insaney. Presumably this is well within his rights as a citizen, but under the thumb of ol’ Dave and the NBA, it is not so. You might say the slaver has become the slavee . . . ? But if you did, you wouldn’t be making much sense.

Best I can tell, Gilbert’s comments were a little too much? I’m not sure. See if you can figure it out:

I think that remarks by Dan Gilbert, the owner of the Cavaliers, catalyzed as they may have been by hurt with respect to the manner and the fact for himself, his team, and particularly for the people of Cleveland, though understandable, were ill-advised and imprudent. I have notified Cleveland that they will be fined $100,000 for those remarks under my power as Commissioner.

100G for being ill-advised and imprudent? Damn. I’d hate to be David Stern Jr. dropping that first, accidental f-bomb in front of mom and dad.

Fine. Dan Gilbert gets fined. But does LeBron get fined for being a doucher? No, he does not. Despite the fact LeBron’s spectacle was “ill-conceived, badly produced and poorly executed.” He gets off with some soft-pedaled criticism that he’s likely never to hear about. Why nothing for LeBron? Stern loved every minute of it. He says that LeBron should have informed the Cavs of his decision before announcing, thereby allowing Cleveland to pursue free agents who signed before the announcement. But, don’t believe it for a minute. The greater the number of teams presumably involved in the BronStakes means the greater the ratings, means the greater the exposure for the NBA. And make no mistake the market share in northeast Ohio was huge. (Personally, I did not watch as I was involved in an intense over-30 co-ed indoor soccer game. We (Go Bolts!) got the 6-2 win; thanks for asking.)

To wit:

In Cleveland, “The Decision” drew a staggering 26 rating — meaning more than one in four homes had TVs tuned to ESPN to see James say he was leaving his hometown Cavaliers for the Miami Heat.

In Miami, the show had a 12.8 rating.

Why only less than half of the love in Miami as Cleveland? Miamiahams were all busy smuggling drugs into the country. Oh, I kid. Actually, they were all on the beach having sex with multiple supermodels and increasing their likelihood of contracting skin cancer and gonorrhea – simultaneously. It can’t be ALL fun and sex on the beach, you know. While here in Cleveland besides watch that train wreck all we would have had to do was shovel snow. Why not take a break to enjoy some hot cocoa and superstar back-stabbing? We were accused of overreacting after the announcement, but we only burn his jerseys to keep warm.

Fortunately for Cavs fans, this fine shouldn’t hurt the franchise too much. I mean, bottom line, we are fucked. 100 large here or there isn’t going to make much of a difference.

So David Stern, I fine you $78.52 for being so arbitrary and enigmatic. I am not greedy, but I am in need of a new Mo Williams jersey.

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When LeBron James gave himself a Twitter account, he called himself KingJames, of course — or that’s @KingJames, to us subjects.

When someone else made up a Twitter account for King LeBron (James.) (Can you stop saying that? Because I can’t. Something in that LeBron James’s name’s water, makes me wanna holla. James. LeBron.)

Okay, let me (LeBron) stop (James.) STOPIT.

When someone else made up a Twitter account for this guy, they focused on what everyone has seemed to be focusing on since this whole surreal odyssey of LeRobn Jemas (see what I did there?) began approximately 37 years ago:

Ego, yes. There is a lot of talk of this man’s ego. There is much talk of LeBron James, period, actually. Can you stop talking about him? I barely can.

Anyway, since he pulled his stunt last night wherein he went to a Boys and Girls’ Club in Connecticut and made an announcement about his future in some kind of weird, robotic fashion, I saw it. When he told the worst interviewer in the world that he had woken up with a vision of what he ought to do, about how much he had done for Cleveland and how much Cleveland could suck it, I saw it. And when he went on in a vague, irritating fashion about how he was going to go to Miami and form a super team of sorts (albeit a team of three) with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh, I saw it.

He basically said his mom and God were responsible for his decision, and whereas I’m not so inclined to bicker with either of those deities, I can’t help but think that they may not have been the only decision-makers here.

I am biased. I feel badly for Ohio. I understand making business decisions, and I understand that pro sports is about some weird things across the board. But here’s what I don’t understand:

1. Not telling your boss first that you’re leaving.

2. Not quitting at home, and spending maybe millions of dollars on a television spectacle that is the upscale equivalent of an it’s-not-you-it’s-me text message. Whatever happened to putting a letter on someone’s desk? And yes, I understand that proceeds from this show went to kids, and that Ohio will see some of that money. But if Cleveland was home, if Cleveland meant a lot, he should have quit in Cleveland.

And don’t get me started on the University of Phoenix scholarships. Last time I checked, the Ohio community college system or maybe even Cleveland State could use the boost.

Holla.

And I don’t really even have a problem with him leaving his hometown. People move on, people make decisions. But to try to leave with at least a semblance of goodwill would have likely resulted in far fewer burned jerseys (which is an idiotic move, to be sure. I’m not into setting things on fire, even if its Ebay value just completely tanked.)

Sorry. If you ‘re a big man, you do big man things, bigger than sending back rubber shoes, even.

If you have the big ego of a man, you do whatever it tells you to do.  And in this case, I think that’s definitely what was in charge.