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Would-Be Cavs Announcer Ted Williams Headed To Rehab

By | January 13, 2011 | Basketball, Sportscasters, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Ted Williams, the homeless man with the amazing radio voice, had a close encounter with Dr Phil this week. As it often does with Dr Phil, it ended in a trip to rehab.

The would-be NBA announcer was panhandling by the side of the road when a journalist decided to videotape him as he displayed his remarkable radio voice.  A YouTube post later, the video went wildly viral and the world changed for Williams, who has struggled with alcohol and drug addictions for decades but claimed he has been sober for 2 years. During that time he has also generated himself a hefty rap sheet.  He became an instant sensation, literally sleeping on the street one night and sleeping in a $too-much-a-night hotel the next. Offers for voiceover work poured  in, from NFL Films, Kraft, MSNBC. The Cleveland Cavaliers offered him an announcer job — and a house.

However, the story does not end on that fairytale note. On an episode of the Dr. Phil show airing today, Williams admits that he has been drinking daily since his whirlwind of fame began.

While this is disappointing, it is also not surprising in the least. Even for someone who has not struggled with the demons of addiction, the stresses of instant fame and the media scrutiny can be overpowering.  For someone who has had to fight them, the temptation to give in to those demons must be devastating. It’s doubtful Williams had any professional help to deal with his addictions previously, and on the street it must be nearly impossible to make any life changes.

But now, Williams is incredibly lucky. He has access to a top-notch rehab facility (Dr Phil. doesn’t cheap out) and the prospects of jobs and a bright future will still lie ahead of him, guaranteed.

That video may have quite literally saved his life.

Williams has demons to fight – his own. Amends to make – to many people he hurt during his years of addiction. And if he can get past those, he’ll also have plays to announce and mac and cheese to shill.  Let’s hope he makes it.

Weekly Roundup: Pants in Sports Edition

By | November 5, 2010 | Uncategorized | Comments Off

Athletes have been having an enormous amount of trouble with their pants this week. Fans too. Let’s get on with it, shall we?

Baseball may be a family game but first baseman Aubrey Huff and his “rally thong” are not what I’d want my kid to see at a World Series victory parade. Lucky you, San Francisco. Free agent Huff wants to stay put.

Sandoval and his brownie sundaeAnother Giant (pun intended), Pablo Sandoval, celebrated the World Series victory with a brownie sundae bigger than his head. Dude, no. Just no. Keep it up and you’ll be a very sad panda when spring training rolls around, 100 or so days from now.

In the category of “screwed with your pants on” (h/t The West Wing) we have Pittsburgh Steeler’s linebacker James Harrison, who was fined, again, for two hits that did not draw penalties in the game. That takes his total for two games to $100,000. A pittance to an NFL star, perhaps, but $100,000 here, a $100,000 there and pretty soon you’re talking about real money.

Dallas Cowboy fans who can’t stand to watch what’s happening on the field don’t have to. They can have a lap dance instead for the bargain price of a Miller Lite. Be sure to check out the comments after you watch the video. Priceless.

And what Pants Edition is complete without a little Favre? Two more women claiming to have received lewd texts from the Brettster have come forward. Couldn’t he just butt dial, like the rest of us?

Finally, good news for a group of people who previously were not allowed to wear pants but now can. The Sisters of Notre Dame of Baltimore sold a rare, 100-year-old Honus Wagner baseball card donated to them by the brother of a deceased nun for $262,000, or way more than a stick of bubble gum.

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The nuns will receive $220,000 of the sale price. Sister Virginia Muller says the money will go to their ministries in more than 30 countries around the world. Sister Virginia  grew up a Brooklyn Dodgers fan and now roots for the Orioles, but it’s safe to say that a certain Pirates shortstop ranks pretty highly now too.

Concussions, Football and You

By | October 20, 2010 | Uncategorized | 5 Comments

It’s hard to know where to begin.  Maybe where the fans simultaneously go “Ooooohhhh!” when two men viciously collide.  That being said, no one likes to see men on the field twitching.

On Sunday, I thought DeShaun Jackson was dead when I saw Dunta Robinson hit him.  The man was twitching.  The hit was the kind of hit where we would all have been cheering had the two men jumped up and gave each other a trash-talking.  A hit where if the two men had popped up and kept playing, it would have appeared on SportsCenter’s Top Ten, but instead became the center of the controversy surrounding “the violence that must end”.  The very violence we all want… until someone is on the ground twitching.

Now that we’re beginning to understand concussions, we’re learning how bad they actually are. And in the NFL, they’re as common as headaches are for the rest of us.  Before even this season, guys were playing with concussions all of the time. Now, they’re super careful.  It’s as if they’re finally figuring out that running as fast as you can and repeatedly smashing into something with your head isn’t as safe as we always thought.

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You know what else isn’t safe?  Boxing.  As it turns out, getting punched in the head by a professional puncher over and over again might cause brain damage. It’s true. Furthermore, I believe when they punch one another over and over, the intent is to knock the other man down. Not just once, not twice, but three times. Unless, of course, he does such a good job one of the first two times that the man can’t get up at all, or at least within ten Mississippis. On some occasions, they never get up.

In Alaska, men die so we can stuff our faces for $12.99 at an all you can eat buffet.  They can make as much as a hundred grand in a few months at sea.  Of course, they almost die a lot, work in inhuman conditions and harder than most men even could, but it’s a win-win. We get delicious crab, they get the dolla dolla bills y’all.  They understand the risk, we let them take it. Why?  Because there is no better butter vehicle on the planet and they’re willing to get it for us. For a price.

Football players can make a hundred grand in a day.  And they play a game.  A violent one where mean men try to knock each other unconscious. A sport where they are ridiculously compensated, then ridiculously fined for being the violent men we come to watch. I hear everyone around them bitching about the violence, but I don’t hear it from them.

The NFL handed down three fines on Tuesday. James Harrison of the Steelers received the largest ($75,000) after administering two concussions (one to Joshua Cribbs, the other to Mohammed Massaquoi). Some say he got the worst of it because he’s a repeat offender, others theorize it’s because he did it twice  in the same game, and some say it’s because he said, “I’m out there to hurt people.” And he is. His opponents know it and worry about it. And his coaches love it.  No one wants to cripple a man, but knocking one unconscious for a few minutes is pretty cool.

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On the gridiron, these men have their own rules. “Sure, Todd Heap,” says Brandon Meriweather in my mind, recipient of one $50,000 fine, “You can come across the middle, but it’s going to hurt really bad.”  Todd Heap knows this. And so does the coach and so does Joe Flacco. There’s a chance if we throw there, Todd is going to die.

There’s not one man in the NFL who hasn’t sacrificed a piece of himself to win, be it his personal life, his body, or even his brain. It’s a sacrifice they all knowingly make every day. They all understand that each day they walk on the field, it might be their last. As sad as it is, it’s true.

The debate has been raging about this on all the sports channels. And I think Cris Carter said it best when he said, “There’s a reason it’s called the ‘middle of the field.’ You’re going to pay the price if you go there.”  And this was coming from a receiver who played during a time when helmet-to-helmet hits were expected and concussions were like ankle sprains.

I don’t want to see men get brain-damaged, but at the same time, these men are putting themselves at serious risk for incredible rewards. There’s a reason I don’t smash my head into stuff, because a) it hurts b) no one is paying me millions to do it (and I would if they were) and c) even the most basic understanding of science helps me realize that human heads, even when encased in plastic, are still attached to the spine (aka “central nervous system”).

Also, these guys are giving each other concussions. It’s not like we’re making them run through some kind of medieval hammer gauntlet or using them for a game of whack-a-mole. Dunta Robinson and DeShaun Jackson both got concussions from their collision.  Am I supposed to feel sorry for two men that run full speed at one another and hurt themselves?  Am I supposed to be overly concerned because they’re doing it to entertain me? No, because they’re not. They play because they love to play and get paid stupid money. Many of them believe that I’m the lucky one for getting to see them do it.

I’m not saying they should be willing to hurt themselves for my enjoyment.  I’m saying they are willing to hurt themselves for their own enjoyment and personal reward.  I’m also saying the core of the sport is its viciousness. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, I’m just saying don’t be surprised when two men are laying on the ground next to one another twitching.  I’m saying these men have been bred to hurt each other, and from time to time, people get seriously injured.  Personally, I’m more surprised when they get up.

Helmet-to-helmet hits aren’t always intentional. Some would say that Robinson’s hit on Jackson wasn’t intentional, but more a result of Jackson dipping at the last moment, and it appeared Robinson actually tried to use his shoulder. Still, he got fined $50,000 because Jackson didn’t get up.  Robinson did exactly what he was coached to do.

I’m not sure what the answer is, but if you really want to make the players safer, let’s eliminate helmets altogether. Because it’s THE HELMETS that are causing the concussions.  In other words, the protective head gear the players wear are used to CAUSE HEAD TRAUMA.  I’m not sure if I’m the only one who finds that funny.

Penalize, suspend, banish and wag your finger… whatever you think will make these men want to hurt each other less (if you can). But in my opinion, don’t hate the player. Hate the game.

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Brett Favre’s 500th TD Pass Overshadowed By His Own Penis

By | October 12, 2010 | Uncategorized | 9 Comments

After the game, Brett Favre would say that he’s thought about this moment for eight to 10 years. The day he got to throw his 500th TD pass. As a bonus, he even got to throw it to one of the most prolific receivers in history in Randy Moss’ homecoming return on the world’s largest stage.  But that wasn’t the story.

Reporter: Brett, are the allegations true?

Brett: Ummm…  Anyone want to talk about Randy Moss’ touchdown catch? Percy Harvin? Anyone?

Reporter: No, we want to talk about your manstuff. Aren’t you embarrassed?

Brett: I’m embarrassed we only had 50 yards in the first half.

Reporter: Speaking of yards, we’d estimate your penis at about 1/6 of a yard. Any comment?

Yesterday, I believed last night would be Brett Favre’s last game.  I still think that’s a good possibility. Brad Childress said they could not afford to have this mess carried in to the rest of the season, and I took that as, “Fix it now, Brett. We’re 1-3, you turned the ball over three times (the last one sealing our fate) and you were crying this morning. Again. You know that makes everyone uncomfortable in the locker room. No more days like today.”

This is one of many photos of Brett crying. I don't know why he's crying here.

This is one of many photos of Brett crying. I don't know why he's crying here.

Last night, we saw the culmination of everything Brett Favre is. He fumbled it twice, threw three amazing touchdown passes, and in the end, threw it to the opposing team for a pick six.  In fact, I was talking to my son on the phone right when Favre caught fire in the third quarter. As we watched the seemingly dead Favre spring back to life, my son would remind me of my prediction. I said, “Well, we’ve still got the game losing interception to look forward to. Stay tuned.”

At 12:25, I got a text saying “ROFLMAO you were right.”

Last night, we witnessed history. Brett Favre threw his 500th TD pass. Wow. He also broke the record for most fumbles in history. No matter, the press didn’t care about it either. They wanted to talk about his junk. And why not? I mean, it’s obvious Brett thinks very highly of it. So much so that he believes  the mere image of it will make a disinterested woman froth at the mouth with gleeish anticipation.

“Well, I wasn’t interested and I thought I was clear when I said I didn’t want to end up in a garbage can, but then I saw your penis and well… you knew it would drive me wild.”

"Hi Brett. I totally thought you were a creep until I got pictures of you handling your manhood. I'm in the car. See you in 15."

"Hi Brett. I totally thought you were a creep until I got pictures of you handling your manhood. I'm in the car. See you in 15."

The funny thing is, when a girl says “No, if I go out with you I’ll end up in a garbage can” you don’t say “Ohhhh… I thought you said you wanted my garbage in your can. Here’s a pic. Love to see you tonight.”

None of this surprises me. None of it. Brett Favre has probably given his number to a hundred women and 95 of them showed up. Men like Brett  get whatever they want, whenever they want, and they’re honestly shocked when a woman doesn’t want them. All women want them. They simply don’t get it. This might explain the enormous ego it would take to assume that a picture of you dangling your johnson is a convincing counter-argument to “leave me alone.”

First of all, I believe Brett Favre is a bad teammate. He played hurt for years and it hurt his team. Why? He had a start streak to maintain. Then, he’d vacillate for the last several years, leaving his entire team in limbo every offseason.

The Brett Favre retirement debate became tiresome. A joke even. A joke that Green Bay grew tired of hearing.

Tavaris Jackson believed he’d be the starting qb (as did the rest of the team) before Brett decided ONE WEEK before the season started that he was going to play. What he’s done is simply not fair to his teammates, but he doesn’t care. He cares about Brett Favre.  Actions speak louder than words.

Now, as far as the ”allegations” are concerned, any man who did not do this would have at least denied it.  If it were me and I didn’t do it (or ANYONE) I’d at least say, “These allegations are completely false and I’m cooperating fully. My name will be cleared. Next question.”  Nope. Nothing. Only, “This will take its course.” Asshole.

Interestingly, two other women have come out to say that they’ve received similar texts from Brett, so we may be in for a Tiger parade with a side of Jesse James (hold the tattoos).  Or, unlike these men, Brett will be able to contain the situation. Unfortunately, when you pay one (Rachel Uchitel), the others start screaming, “dolla dolla bills, y’ all.”

Tiger Woods after getting call from his accountant

Tiger Woods after getting call from his accountant

After seemingly cooperating with the league’s investigation, Jenn Sterger (recipient of magic penis photos), her publicist and her manager have announced that they will be doing what’s best for her and are weighing all her options. Huh. You mean like, if she cooperates with the league investigation, she won’t get the large pile of cash, Monty?  Because if she doesn’t cooperate, the league can do nothing, right? Right.

You see, her cooperation is key to this investigation. And if I were a betting man, I’d theorize that Sterger was convinced (by her new “people” and maybe some of Brett’s representatives) that finding an unwelcome picture of Brett’s penis on your phone is much like finding a winning lottery ticket. You’re not going to throw that away, are you?

I don’t blame Brett Favre. I blame us.  What all of this proves is that Brett Favre is a man. A man seduced by glory. Glory we’ve given him. A man surrounded by women who want to have sex with him because of his power, money and fame. A man who has been given everything and doesn’t understand when he can’t have something. Why? Because we’ve always given him everything he’s wanted. Money. Power. Glory. Sex from a faucet.

I believe Sterger will be well-compensated for the creepiness she had to endure. Likely millions more than most women will get for enduring creepiness every day. That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t feel victimized, it just means it could have been me who sent her a picture of my wiener. If that had been the case, she’d already have my most valued asset and all she would be left with is “creepy”. What I’m saying is, Brett, please send me a picture of your penis.

I feel horrible for Brett’s wife. She’s the victim here. And now she will have a choice to make about her husband and her life. She will also be compensated, but no amount of money can mend a broken heart. (At least for women. Ten million patches my heart right up.)

If there are other victims, it’s the millions who were robbed of what might go down as the most historic touchdown in history by Brett Favre being an absolute creepshow.  Men like him need to learn that the world is not their personal oyster. That taking what you can’t have is unacceptable.  That never having enough is a slap in the face to those who have nothing.  Unfortunately, we’re the only ones who can teach them that lesson, and I hope one day we do.

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Twitter at the Ryder Cup: Will They or Won’t They?

By | September 29, 2010 | Athletes on Twitter, Golf, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

On Sunday it was reported that both the European and US Ryder Cup teams had banned the use of the social networking site, Twitter, for the duration of the tournament.

U.S. Captain Corey Pavin said the team as a whole has decided not to tweet this week, because it can be distracting and takes focus away from the Cup, matches and team camaraderie.

“But first thing a week from today, I’m sure tweeting will be all over the place,” Pavin said.

(Dude obviously doesn’t get Twitter. “Tweeting will be all over the place”? Amateur.)

NEWPORT, WALES - SEPTEMBER 28: Rickie Fowler of the USA walks across a green during a practice round prior to the 2010 Ryder Cup at the Celtic Manor Resort on September 28, 2010 in Newport, Wales.

Gratuitous shot of cutie pie Rickie Fowler since he’s probably the cutest of the bunch, said in a non-pervy, mom-cute kinda way. Check out those eyes!

Combined, Corey Pavin, Rickie Fowler, Stewart Cink, Zach Johnson, Hunter Mahan, and Bubba Watson have over 1.3 million followers. And that is only a portion of the US team. On the European side between Colin Montgomerie, Ian Poulter, Graeme McDowell, Rory McIlroy and Francesco Molinari there are more than one million followers. Those are some powerful numbers in the Twitterverse.

Other professional sports that have banned Twitter use include the NHL, NFL, NBA, and the MLB, most putting a time limit before and after game time, restricting all organization employees. The ban for the Ryder Cup teams just seemed to follow suit.

It doesn’t end there, though.

On Tuesday the ban was lifted by Montgomerie, or modified to allow personal tweets.

“Tweeting has not been banned,” he said. He also who claims never to have used Twitter, (the account linked above is for his foundation.) “Whatever they do [in the posts], whatever they are, respect is shown for what is said within the team room. That’s what I have banned. They can do whatever they have to do elsewhere regarding their thoughts.”

HUH? Let me interpret for you:

“Don’t tweet about the Ryder Cup specifically but feel free to tell whomever is listening that you just took a crap.”

So. Will they or won’t they? So far today I’ve seen a few tweets about mundane stuff, practice rounds, losing cash to their practice partners, etc. No evidence of anyone taking a crap. Damn. That’s what I turn to Twitter for. I guess they’re all taking the ban seriously, so if you’re a golf fan and like to follow your favorite player on Twitter for the inside scoop, you’ll just have to wait until the tournament is over, but by then all the news will be old.

Kendra would love to watch the Ryder Cup but it starts at 2 am. Who gets up for that shit?

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