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Here we go again, kids. Another spoiled, rotten, full of himself athlete playing Johnny Scoff-law and thinking he can just walk around with his friends. In a mall. The nerve of this man!

Dallas Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant was walking through a shopping mall with some friends when they were asked by security to pull up their pants. Apparently, Bryant’s buddies were sporting the classic “I’m in a denim potato sack race” look that the kids today love so much.

Anyway, Paul Blart and the boys would approach and, perhaps nicely or not, asked them to pull up their pants and stop revealing their underwear.

Now, before I go any further, I’d just like to say that if I’m not stealing something, I also will not take seriously anything mall security has to say. I’m sorry, mall cops. I’m sure there are dangers and whatnot, but it’s no more dangerous than me walking through the mall.

The other thing, I’m not Dez Bryant and his friends. I imagine this group first giggles, then salivates when confronted by a gaggle of shopping enforcement officers. Especially when they’re not breaking any laws. This then becomes a fashion argument, and you’re wearing a mall security uniform. This is a situation you should go nowhere near.

Security guards would then try to eject Dez and his friends from the mall, the keyword being “try”. I imagine there was a lot of giggling, pointing, making fun of haircuts, “GI JC Penney” jokes, and I’d like to think some 8 Mile-like rap battles where they’re all, “You ain’t the Five-O, you just a Jive-Ho” before sealing it with a robot move and stuff like that, until finally the police were called to remove Bryant and his posse from the mall.

Bryant refused to leave until his attorney arrived, so he parked his car in a fire lane until a friend talked him down and got him to leave. Bryant was not charged because he did not break the law, but was issued a warning for not complying with a police request. Bryant claims his pants were pulled up and it was his friends’ asses that got all their asses in trouble (I’m paraphrasing).

This is not the first time Dez Bryant has terrorized the mall and its occupants. He once was involved in a major cutting in line incident and once parked in a fire lane. He was also involved in a major disturbance with an unknown woman in a mall eatery where security forces were deployed. The woman is believed to be alive, but hasn’t been seen at any of the kiosks she once frequented, nor has she stopped to get a cookie at either of the two conveniently located fresh cookie stands at either end of the mall. (Not to be confused with the food court, where she also hasn’t been seen.)

It’s also believed that Bryant illegally disposed of a half-full container of Dippin’ Dots, which isn’t against the law, but no one throws away Dippin’ Dots.

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