All posts in Talking Trash

Dany Heatley Returns to Ottawa

By | December 3, 2010 | Bad calls, Hockey, Talking Trash, WTF? | 2 Comments

It’s been a couple of years now since Dany Heatley dumped us in Ottawa with no explanation.  He dropped us on our asses, leaving disappointment and confusion in his wake.  He was once the star with a painful past who needed a new start and was welcomed by our city with open arms. Oh, how times have changed.

It wasn’t just that he wanted out. He wanted out on his terms and his terms alone. He wanted out publicly, making the Sens beggars everywhere they went. And when we tried to make the best deal we could for him, trading him to Edmonton for a couple of good players, he then even had the nerve to kick in a no-trade clause. His no-trade clause,  when he wanted to be traded. In the end, he left Ottawa with no choice but to just dump  him and trade him for whatever we could take, which was nearly nothing.

Nobody  understood why. He made vague references to having a “diminished role” and not enjoying the team dynamics. Rumours spun about inappropriate dalliances in the community, putting his junk where his junk didn’t belong. Nothing could ever be confirmed. All we knew was that 1/3 of our terrific Spezza/Alfie/Heatley trio, the Cash line, the Pizza line, wanted out.

“But we thought everything was fine!”

Sigh.

We’ve struggled since, we’re not gonna lie. We’ve been to therapy. Went through the various stages of grieving (crying, sweatpants, then cover your jersey with electrical tape stage) and last night, we got to the confrontation stage.

Heatley came back to town.

The chants started even before the game. Heatley sucks. Heatley sucks. Heatley sucks.  Choruses of boos during the warmup, the introductions, every time he touched the puck.

And ohh, the signs.

Princess Heatley

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your fans.

Million Dollar Baby.

Crybaby Heatley.

Waaaaaah.

Heatley Sucks.

You can't spell Heatley without Hate.

You can't spell Heatley without Hate.

And my personal favourite: Even Yashin thinks you’re a jerk.

At the start of the third, a group of fans made their way to ice level and pitched their Heatley jerseys on to the ice en masse. Those things cost a lot of money. It didn’t matter. Throw them away. Publicly. And in front of his face.

Point made.

We were good to you.  We thought you were part of our team. We thought we meant something to you.

We were wrong.

At the end of the game – another disaster in this ongoing disaster season for the Sens – almost before the buzzer rang, Heatley ran for the dressing room, probably to avoid anticipated flying debris. At that point I almost felt bad for him.

Heatley heads for the hills

Heater can't take the heat.

Almost.

But not quite.

LeBron James Can Play Basketball. Who Knew?

By | December 3, 2010 | Bad calls, Basketball, LeBron James Ego, NBA, Talking Trash | Comments Off

Well, unless you’ve been living under a rock with poor wifi reception, you know there was a big game last night.  That’s right my hockey team, your beloved Piranhas squared off against the hated Ice Barons.  Although Ice Barons is a pretty terrible name for a hockey team, it doesn’t hold a candle to Piranhas.  And check out our logo.  It’s pretty low-res, but if you look closely, you can see he has gingivitis.  (Remember to floss daily.  Brushing alone isn’t enough!)  At any rate, we lost, 5-3.  I am the goalie and I gave up five goals — frowny face.  Truthfully it should have been four because one was on a high stick the ref missed.  It’s all very upsetting.

Ok, I kid.  Well, not really.  We did have a game last night and we did lose but so did our (growly announcer voice)CLEVELAND CAVALIERS!( /growly announcer voice)  For the first time, the Cavs were facing longtime “savior” and now prodigal son, so-and-so.

Now, since I was playing hockey I didn’t see the whole game, but I did catch the beginning.  And evidently I stopped watching at exactly the right time.  When I stopped watching, the Cavs were winning, that mindless twit was playing passively and Drew Carey was looking skinny and kind of creepy actually.  After that, festering puss bucket played really well.  I would have expected as much, but I hoped maybe he’d be injured somehow and unable to perform.  Did he take any shots left-handed?  No?  Did he complain that Heat fans took him for granted?  No?  Did he note the irony that “Heat fan” is oxymoronic?  No!  Tell me that he at least looked syphilitic?  Yes?!  Please tell me yes!  This is all I need out of life.

Turns out that that insolent cad is pretty good at basketball.  We all knew and that was never the point.  In the seven years I watched him play, I probably only saw him play a handful of truly bad games.  I expected that he’d play well.  And he did.  I didn’t have to see the game to know the ease with which he dominated is the perfect indictment against his performance against the Celtics in last year’s playoffs.  I know back then he was concentrating on faking an elbow injury, but he’s a gifted charlatan and even when distracted he can put 25-5-5 on you.

Oh well.  I wanted to be mad, but I’m haven’t been able to sustain the anger all these months.  Once you realize somebody quit on you, there’s no sense in being upset.  There’s no running down the street after them or standing outside their house, boom box raised overhead.  Maybe I’m wistful for the old timey 2008 team, but overall, it’s meh.  Not to say it didn’t sting, seeing him in an opponent’s uniform.  Yesterday it was like your ex-wife showing up at your house in her shiny new Ferrari with her handsome (basketball skills-wise) new boyfriend (Dwyade) and their lovable pet t-rex (Chirs Bosh).

So it goes in Cleveland .  All we can hope for now is an angry Dan Gilbert response letter.

The Draft Day Suit Team is Grateful — for Sports

By | November 25, 2010 | Football, Hockey, Talking Trash, Why I Love... | 2 Comments

Underneath all of the snark and incisive, hard-hitting sports commentary, we here at Draft Day Suit are a grateful bunch. Sometimes.

So on this Thanksgiving holiday, a few of our writers shared the sports-related things they are most thankful for this year.

Sarah’s gratitude is almost always exclusively reserved for good things happening to and involving the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and her ability to watch them play or wear their team colors.

Sarah and Gidge 2005ish

I don’t know why they haven’t given her season tickets for life and a box seat yet, quite frankly. She’s kind of a big deal on the internet — it could mean good PR for you guys. Listening, Mark Dominik? It would be a very wise move.

“I am thankful that the Bucs are over .500 this year. I am also thankful that my father-in-law  got me box seats when the Bucs come play the Redskins.”

Clay, our relentless Bret Favre watchdog,  kicker analyst and, um, fashion consultant:

“Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I’m thankful the Falcons are 8-2 and for what the Williams sisters are doing to advance women’s tennis fashion. Amen.”

Shannon swore that if Sidney Crosby helped Canada win the Olympic men’s ice hockey gold medal that she’d never talk trash about him again. We all know how that went down.

“I am thankful that the act of selling my soul to win a gold medal was not in vain, ;) ” she Tweeted.

And don’t let her fool you. She is also grateful that I’m her friend so she can soak up the trash talk coming out of my mouth that she can only now think in her head.

Kristin writes fabulous weekly college football wrap-ups for us, and I know for a fact that she is grateful for this sport, particularly as played by Arizona State University. She’s worked for professional football teams, though, so her reason for gratitude today makes a lot of sense.

Lavelle, Julie, Joe & Me

(That’s Kristabella on the right.)

“Sitting on my couch in my PJs on Thanksgiving makes me thankful I don’t work in the NFL anymore.”

As for me? I am always grateful for Maryland’s mens and womens’ basketball — especially a young men’s team that’s reorganizing and looking pretty good for the most part. And although they break my heart on a regular basis? I’m thankful for the Washington Capitals, who, playoff chokes and zero goal ass-kickings against allegedly inferior teams notwithstanding, are an important and fun part of my city and my life. This year I got to learn how to shoot a puck from Caps veteran Peter Bondra, which was outstanding.

Peter Bondra Teaching Laurie How to Score

Sarah took this.

And thanks to Kim, I’ll be in Pittsburgh for the Winter Classic on New Year’s Day. Not too shabby.

Draft Day Suit Body Guards

Sarah, Kim and me at the Yankees-Sox game, Yankee Stadium, August, 2010.

It’s been a good sports year for me, and for all of us here — win or lose. Thanks for reading along with us, and if your team is playing today, may they win, unless of course they’re playing one of mine.

T.O., Iverson and Ochocinco: Primadonnas in Trouble

By | November 8, 2010 | Celebrity Athletes, Football, NBA, NFL, Talking Trash, Unsportmanlike Conduct | Comments Off

You know, I don’t really think this means anything at all, but I do think that it’s a good sign that certain, ah, athletes, are having a tough time of it later in their careers. Like, ah, Randy Moss. Allen Iverson. Chad Ochocinco. Terrell Owens.

These guys are not known for their locker room decorum, and if you look at Ochocinco and Moss, they’ve bounced around the NFL like a basketball which, of course, is not particularly common, given the NFL’s short season. And T.O. … well, then. Allen Iverson? Playing in Turkey.

allen-iverson-turkey-mr.-potato-head

Look, I’m not saying I’ve worked with these guys personally. Hell, I don’t know if everything people say about them is true, and I sure as shit have no room to talk, given that I defended Michael Vick, but it’s telling to me that guys who were notorious douche canoes throughout their career are having a difficult time finding a reasonable home to finish out their legacy. Maybe — just maybe — professional sports, the fans and the staff who must endure them, have had enough with the primadonna bullshit. And given their behavior and astonishing lack of professionalism I wouldn’t be looking for them next to Jesse Palmer (OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY IS ON ESPN?) after they retire. Maybe — MAAAYYYBE — there’s a lesson in there for younger athletes. Not that I’m looking in anyone’s specific direction (LEBRON JAMES COUGH OMG DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?).

We can only really hope that the T.Ocho Show is the closest thing to a broadcasting career Chad Ochocinco ever gets.

chad-ochocinco-and-terrell-owens

[Photo]

[Photo]

Jonniker enjoyed watching Randy Moss when he played for the Patriots, when she wasn’t taking her afternoon nap.

The Leafs are Undefeated.

By | October 15, 2010 | Hockey, Talking Trash | Comments Off

According to the internet, the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse are somewhat difficult to specify. Apparently, the signs of our doom are scattered throughout the Bible, are sometimes fairly obscure, and are open to wide interpretation by biblical scholars and laypeople alike. The signs are often conflicting, and it is common for unrelated everyday events to be interpreted solely to fit the criteria, while other events which may certainly portend doom can be overlooked. This obscurity and confusion is precisely why there are not riots happening in the streets today, because there is now one certain sign that the end of the world is nigh:

The Leafs are undefeated.

Leafs undefeated

It’s time to start hoarding bottled water and canned goods, people.  Seriously.

The Leafs haven’t started this well since the 1999-2000 season. And let’s compare to last year, shall we, when the Leafs started 0-7-1? Actually, let’s not. Or if we do, only to say how times have changed.

Sure, it’s only a handful of games in to the regular season. And two of the teams the Leafs defeated are off to spectacularly bad starts. The Ottawa Senators are 0-2-1; Pittsburgh’s 1-3-0. Not exactly cup-winning form.  So despite the crowing of the Leafs fans, it’s not like they’re cutting swaths of amazingness through the NHL ranks and blowing away all the competition in a blast of fury.  So far, they’re just coming out on the top side of teams who are still struggling to get their skates under them, as it were.

Still, these wins must feel pretty damn good to a long-suffering Leafs fan. Their three wins have come against their three favourite teams to loathe:  Montreal, the traditional rival from just down dere on de 401; Pittsburgh, the home of surprisingly goal-free Sidney Crosby and his punk-ass friends; and Ottawa. Ottawa, the team that Leafs fans despise with a particular joyous passion. They are alone in the NHL in gleefully booing Daniel Alfredsson, captain of the Senators, for a long-forgotten it-looked-kind-of-maybe-dirty-but-totally-wasn’t hit; they cackle with glee at the memory of four years of early playoff exits delivered to Ottawa via Toronto; they schlep up the 416 every chance they get to see the Leafs and Sens battle it out on Ottawa ice, since tickets to see Toronto on home ice are impossible to get despite their dismal record (the only explanation being that Leafs fans are gluttons for punishment). So these three wins are golden for the Leafs.

And aside from who they defeated? The fact that they defeated at all, is big news. Three straight wins! When’s the last time a Leafs fan could say that?

Know, ye of long suffering: the season is many months. The fact that the phrase “Leafs undefeated” can trend on Twitter after just two games?  Well, they’re a crowd of hungry people, these Leafs fans. We’ll give them their moment. Reality will come crashing in soon enough, I expect.

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