Draft Day Suit

David Stern is the NCAA of professional sports fining. Say or do anything and you are likely in violation of some rule and subject to his sanction. But unlike the NCAA, David Stern’s whimsies are not published anywhere that I know of. He just kind of goes from day to day and levies fines when he needs a new pair of cuff links or some other rich guy accessory.

So it goes for my hero, Dan Gilbert. David Stern just dropped a 100K bomb on Danny boy for his Comic Sans diatribe criticizing LeBron James and his “THE DECISION.” Reading his comments, it’s not exactly clear what his violation was, other than going a little batshit insaney. Presumably this is well within his rights as a citizen, but under the thumb of ol’ Dave and the NBA, it is not so. You might say the slaver has become the slavee . . . ? But if you did, you wouldn’t be making much sense.

Best I can tell, Gilbert’s comments were a little too much? I’m not sure. See if you can figure it out:

I think that remarks by Dan Gilbert, the owner of the Cavaliers, catalyzed as they may have been by hurt with respect to the manner and the fact for himself, his team, and particularly for the people of Cleveland, though understandable, were ill-advised and imprudent. I have notified Cleveland that they will be fined $100,000 for those remarks under my power as Commissioner.

100G for being ill-advised and imprudent? Damn. I’d hate to be David Stern Jr. dropping that first, accidental f-bomb in front of mom and dad.

Fine. Dan Gilbert gets fined. But does LeBron get fined for being a doucher? No, he does not. Despite the fact LeBron’s spectacle was “ill-conceived, badly produced and poorly executed.” He gets off with some soft-pedaled criticism that he’s likely never to hear about. Why nothing for LeBron? Stern loved every minute of it. He says that LeBron should have informed the Cavs of his decision before announcing, thereby allowing Cleveland to pursue free agents who signed before the announcement. But, don’t believe it for a minute. The greater the number of teams presumably involved in the BronStakes means the greater the ratings, means the greater the exposure for the NBA. And make no mistake the market share in northeast Ohio was huge. (Personally, I did not watch as I was involved in an intense over-30 co-ed indoor soccer game. We (Go Bolts!) got the 6-2 win; thanks for asking.)

To wit:

In Cleveland, “The Decision” drew a staggering 26 rating — meaning more than one in four homes had TVs tuned to ESPN to see James say he was leaving his hometown Cavaliers for the Miami Heat.

In Miami, the show had a 12.8 rating.

Why only less than half of the love in Miami as Cleveland? Miamiahams were all busy smuggling drugs into the country. Oh, I kid. Actually, they were all on the beach having sex with multiple supermodels and increasing their likelihood of contracting skin cancer and gonorrhea – simultaneously. It can’t be ALL fun and sex on the beach, you know. While here in Cleveland besides watch that train wreck all we would have had to do was shovel snow. Why not take a break to enjoy some hot cocoa and superstar back-stabbing? We were accused of overreacting after the announcement, but we only burn his jerseys to keep warm.

Fortunately for Cavs fans, this fine shouldn’t hurt the franchise too much. I mean, bottom line, we are fucked. 100 large here or there isn’t going to make much of a difference.

So David Stern, I fine you $78.52 for being so arbitrary and enigmatic. I am not greedy, but I am in need of a new Mo Williams jersey.

[photo: Tony Dejack]

[photo: Clark]

Mark Cuban, NBA big mouth extraordinaire, is bringing his typical sour grapes to the media and everyone else, by insisting that the NBA needs to investigate LeBron James, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade for tampering for their unprecedented collective signing with the Miami Heat.

“Water is wet,” says Cuban. “And frankly, I find it offensive.”

Look, I don’t mean to make light of the situation entirely. I have no doubt that there was a level of collusion among LeBoshade. Of course there was. You don’t bring three egos of that size together without a tacit agreement, and the scores of teams that unloaded contract after contract hoping for a piece of one of the big free agents have obviously suffered, which means the fans will suffer. That sucks.

But ugh, Mark Cuban, ugh. When he first appeared on the scene, I found him refreshing. A true maverick, if you will, said in my best Sarah Palin voice (OH A PUN, HOW CHARMING). An outsider with a high-tech fortune, I cheered as he accepted fine after fine (and matched them with charitable contributions) for his rages against the league and referees. He said a lot of what the fans were thinking, and his fortune enabled him to stand up for his players like no other owner in the league.

Somewhere along the line, however, it stopped being charming (probably right around the time he started harassing players’ mothers about their “thuggy” sons), and I started wondering who died and left Mark Cuban the arbiter of the NBA? And worse, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but what kind of example is he to his players, his management? The lack of discipline was astonishing, and in a land where egos rule supreme, an owner who’s too busy feeding his own overweening sense of self has no business or ability to manage others.

And besides, if Cleveland and Toronto are leaving it alone, why shouldn’t he? Tampering is nearly impossible to prove, as all collusion must be tied back to the express directives of team management — not just the players — and is loosely enforced, at best. If Cuban is really going to go after any sort of NBA reform, I’d put tampering at the bottom of the list. Otherwise, he just looks like a crybaby, I’m sorry. CRYBABY CUBAN IN THE HOUSE.

So really, Mark Cuban, shut up. Because if you ask me, this team will self-destruct in due time on its own. This is Wade’s team — or was — and methinks he’s not nearly magnanimous enough to tolerate LeBron’s antics, and Chris Bosh is practically going to fade into obscurity next to these two, and there’s no way he’ll be happy about that. A team of three big players can work (Hello, Celtics), but none of these three dudes have the maturity and experience to do what needs to be done to make it happen.

[photo: EW.com]

Jonniker is raising a toddler in Boston a time where the Celtics lost to the Lakers and the entire Red Sox organization is injured.

Jennifer Capriati is recovering from an overdose of prescription drugs. Reportedly, it was accidental.

Capriati is known for her tennis career that began in 1988 with her holding the record for the youngest French Open Junior winner at 13 years, 2 months. Yet, she’s also known for her repeated brushes with the law, including arrests for shoplifting and marijuana possession beginning in 1993. She has been quoted by the New York Daily News as saying “If I don’t have [tennis] who am I? What am I?”

And in researching other articles for this story, I accidentally came across the supposed reason for her accidental overdose: her maybe-ex-boyfriend Dale DaBone (yes, you heard me right) is going back to porn.

Seriously? Who says “I’m so overwrought that DaBone is going to (da) bone several someones on film that I think I’ll take a handful of this crap.”?

Accidentally or on purpose? You decide, because I may never recover from the knowledge that there is actually a movie being made with the title “Batman XXX: A Porn Parody”

Kendra was shocked at the twists of this story. Kinda. But not really.

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Joey Logano, left, and Kevin Harvick when they were playing nice.

I don’t understand NASCAR and I doubt I ever will.  I get dizzy watching my daughter run track.  And, she’s really slow.  Also, my favorite button on our remote is “Mute”, so any sport that involves wearing ear plugs is not for me.  Except for going to the gun range.  I like shooting things.

But, when the boys of NASCAR start talking smack and act more catty than the women of Dynasty, count me in.  I enjoy watching a good train wreck.  This is why I DVR Jersey Shore.

Although it is clear to me that the drivers believe their 3400 pound cars are penile extensions, apparently it isn’t cool when you whack someone with it, as Kevin Harvick did to 20-year-old Joey Logano Sunday at Pocano.  After the race, Logano whacked him back when he said, “It’s probably not his fault, you know, his wife wears the fire suit in the family and tells him what to do.”

I think young Logano is overestimating the power of a wife.  I can’t even get my husband to take out the trash, let alone wreck his car into someone.

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