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Every so often, an athlete will climb into my ass and irritate the hell out of me. At one point, Favre topped the list of ass aggravation, but now Kobe Bryant is uncomfortably nestled in my rectum. When this happens, I pretty much shun all of my responsibilities in an attempt to remove said athlete from my anus, and this is pretty much how I do it.

Yesterday I wrote an article called, “Kobe Bryant Is a Punk.” It was in reference to his punkness, but more specifically his latest punky comments regarding Pau Gasol’s poor game 1 play:

“It’s one and two, it’s me and him. We’ve got to deal with it. When you get all the praise when things go your way, [you also] get all the blame when things don’t. It’s part of the seats we sit in.”

Now, Gasol handled it with grace and vowed to do better in game 2. He didn’t, and neither did Kobe, so I wonder how it’s possible that the Lakers won. Gasol and Kobe combined for a whopping 19 points, while Bynum and Odom scored at will. It seems that Kobe’s comments did nothing to motivate Gasol, but perhaps a couple of the other players responded to Kobe’s comments.

Lamar Odom, recipient of the 6th Man Of The Year Award, would have something to say to Mr. #1 and Mr. #2, and Bynum clearly decided it was time to assert his dominance.

Kobe would try to take over a couple of times, and that seemingly resulted in what was a widening Lakers lead to consistently dwindle.  After the Lakers being down 22-16 in the 1st quarter, Kobe would take a seat, the Lakers would surge to a 12 point lead, Kobe would return, get stuffed on two attempts and the lead would be down to 6 points by halftime.

As I think of the great Lakers teams in recent years, I think we can spread some credit around. For instance, Phil Jackson. Phil Jackson has rings for his toes. Shaquille O’Neal in his prime would be another example of someone who helped out a little. Robert Horry was perhaps the greatest clutch 3-point shooter of all time, and Derek Fisher has been and still is one of the most dangerous and consistent clutch players in the NBA.  Add that Lamar Odom has been invaluable to this team’s most recent success, you can chronicle the Kobe years and  always point to a solid, well-coached team of professionals who have been bigger than any one man. Regardless of that, Kobe believes, and wants you to believe, that he is everything to a team that sometimes seems to function better without him.

Sure, Kobe played great defense on Chris Paul. So did everyone who covered him. I believe it was Kobe’s job to challenge the 3 Paul drained at the end of the 1st half, which he might have done had he not been twelve feet away. Paul wasn’t scoring when Kobe wasn’t playing, so I’m removing credit for replacing others who were doing the same job or better.

In my post yesterday, I said Kobe wasn’t helping. I was wrong. Clearly, publicly condemning a teammate and marginalizing everyone else on your team is a fabulous way to motivate everyone else on your team. What better way is there to get someone to perform than telling him he doesn’t matter? I’ve read about it, just never seen it applied so effectively.

Now that Gasol has had another poor game after vowing not to, I think it’s safe to say that he’s a lying foreigner and I fully expect Kobe to chastise him for his blatant dishonesty and clear unwillingness to help Kobe win by himself.

I might have disagreed with that logic before, but the genius behind it has inspired an idea. This might be the key ingredient to a utopian society of win. Let’s adjust it to make it applicable to everyone and put the Kobe motivational concept to the world.

You’ll need a whipping boy… someone who is already down on himself and though conventional logic would tell you to lift this person up and not kick him, publicly kick the shit out of that loser. This could be a friend, family member, co-worker… it’s up to you. Just make sure that this is a generally solid person who can be counted on, but forget all that “What you’ve done” and focus on “What have you done for me lately?”  This person has failed to match your awesome, and despite being an important part of your success to date must now be sacrificed for the greater good. This person will probably dislike you now, but the key to not allowing that to bother you is just being an asshole. Please copy the following and e-mail it to your address book:

Everybody, you suck.  My friend and I are the only ones who matter (you are not that friend). But to be honest, my friend (the one who matters and is not you) is being a suck-ass loser lately and if he doesn’t pull his head out of his ass, we will all fail.

(This inspirational message has been brought to you by the Kobe Bryant Association For A Better World.)