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After the 1998 labor dispute, NBA players learned their lesson about crying poor mouth to the struggling public. And as Patrick Ewing said back then, athletes “make a lot of money, but they also spend a lot of money.” Amen, Patrick. Strippers don’t grow on trees, unless, of course, you have the kind of money that can have a team of scientists genetically engineer stripper-tree seeds so you can grow them hydroponically in your master bedroom closet. If I made 24.8 million last year, that’s what I would do. And chances are, that’s exactly what Kobe is doing, too, but you won’t hear him bragging about it.

That’s right, NBA players are smarter now and learning lessons from the past. You won’t hear any more complaining about $75,000 car insurance bills or the outrageous expenditures associated with partying, Mercedes maintenance bills and… golden accessories. Nope. Derek Fisher has issued a handbook explaining to the players that people without money hate it when people with money complain about not having any.

This phenomenon dates back to when people began exchanging shiny things for food and IKEA furniture, and the one who accumulated the most shiny things would sit on his shiny pile and complain about having to always guard this massive pile of shiny stuff. “A burden” he would call it.

This enraged the people without shiny stuff, so he hired some people to protect himself, took on a lot of overhead, called himself “King” and took everyone else’s money to maintain his lavish empire. And so began the endless feud between the haves and have-nots.

Then we all start thinking, “It would take me a million years to make what you make, and my job isn’t fun AT ALL. What do you do all day?” We then might say things like, “What is it again that you do for $14 million per year? You… get to play ball? What’s the catch? Are you on fire when you play? Do the games take place in a cactus field that’s loaded with land mines? Are you playing against the Mexican drug cartels? Can you fly or time travel?”

The answer is “no” to all of the above and why we hate hearing about people who make millions to do something they love (that also happens to be a game) while complaining about making too little, especially right now. This is why Derek Fisher gave out the handbook, so people like Dwyane Wade won’t make jokes about filing for unemployment after making 15 million dollars last year. In his defense, I don’t believe the handbook was out yet.

As you can tell, I have no opinion on the subject. I think it’s great when a seasoned veteran tries to teach the younger players lessons like, “Making sure the public doesn’t think you’re a spoiled asshole” and “Having the bartender pour your Cristal into a Miller can” and shit like that. The key is in that even though you wipe your ass with fifty dollar bills, pretend that you still use toilet paper. Just like everyone else.

The players won’t actually lose anything until November and only if the lockout isn’t resolved. Until then, you might expect to run into NBA stars at places like TJ Maxx, Applebee’s and The Dollar Tree to show us how much they are suffering. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Kia Sol became their preferred mode of transportation, and as one player recently joked, they will now have to “buy items in bulk.”  It’s so funny because that’s the way I do it, and I’m totally poor. They’re finally relating to me AND I LOVE IT.

I don’t know about you, but my perception of this whole thing has completely changed. These are regular joes getting shafted by the man. And the thought of them having to cut back… well, I’m getting all teary-eyed and weepy, almost like I just pulled a “The Notebook” and “Old Yeller’” marathon.

It reminds me of the mine workers, or migrant field workers… or the countless children working in sweatshops across the globe. I’m smelling a super pop-star collaboration here. Bono? Are you listening? We can call it, “NBAID” and get the whole crew together. John Mellencamp (I would have never dropped Cougar, by the way), Neil Young,  Lady GaGa (is that how you spell it?)… I’m talking everyone. Who would not come out for this? Only those without souls, that’s who.

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