All posts in LVP

Favre to Retire. Again. Maybe.

Brett Favre retiring again?

Glitch in the matrix… deja vu… heard it all before.

*Yawn.*

I don’t care what Brett Favre does anymore. I’m surprised that Brett Favre cares what Brett Favre does anymore. Maybe he can go back to (allegedly) harassing coworkers without the hassle of going to practice now. The legend has been tainted. I’m sick of this guy.

Favre's first or second retirement: 2008

Please go home this time, Brett. I’ve been writing about you retiring for three years now and I would like to retire from writing about you retiring.

Big Ben Roethlisberger Has Timeout Reduced

In April, Steelers’ QB Ben Roethlisberger received a six-game suspension for violating the league’s personal conduct policy – somewhere under the heading of “how fucking stupid are you, really?”  Ben apparently has a difficult time attracting women his own age, so instead he likes to get really hammered and take underage ladies to his preferred lair of seduction, the pisser.

Now, I went to UD, it’s a pretty small school, Catholic, conservative (not up to my mom’s standards, but we’re talking relatively here) and in general a nice, clean place.  Even I, a drunken bachelor, felt the sure creepy-crawly approach of pubic crabs whenever I stepped into a college restroom.  These are floors you don’t want to STAND on, let alone eat off of.  And the general idea was to get-in, get-out, leave no man behind.  Ben went to school about an hour from me at Miami of Ohio.  I have never been, but apparently the bathrooms there are pristine sanctuaries with butler service and fine Corinthian leather couches.  Apparently, there is no better place to put your moves on the ladies?

ben-roethlisberger-drunk

This happened in April.  Last night Ben met with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.  Roethlisberger, doing his best Svengali, convinced Goodell that he had “turned his life around” since April.  And by that he meant that he was able to not get drunk and cruise high school chicks for the past five months.  Top notch!

I don’t mean to make light of the situation, bad decisions were made all around and these weren’t Roethlisberger’s first.  But, I think next time, the league would look a little better just setting the suspension at four games to begin with and promising Ben more pine time if he uses Little Ben inappropriately before his time is up.

Burn. You. Tiki.

The evil Barber twin shall be banned from the delivery room when his soon to be ex-wife Ginny gives birth to their twin daughters, which could pretty much happen any second now.

Why is he banned?

Oh right, because he left Ginny for his 23 year old homewrecking intern when Mrs. Barber was eight months pregnant with twins.

As a person who has given birth to twins, although I didn’t quite make it to my eighth month of pregnancy (my kids were born six weeks early) I can say without any qualms that I support Ginny’s decision 100 percent.

Tiki, as you may know, is a twin himself. Here is a photograph of his much hotter identical twin brother, Ronde.

Ronde_Barber

They have been in the news a lot. Both twins played in the National Football League. Ronde and Tiki were raised by a single mother, Geraldine. Both sons have made a huge deal about how difficult it was for their mother to raise the two boys all by herself.

Gerladine must be sick to her stomach.

Ginny already has two boys at home.

In my mind Tiki looks like this:

demon_legend

Cheaters make me mad.

Cheaters with pregnant wives who are fucking their 23-year-old interns make steam shoot out of my ear holes.

Yeah, so Tiki can’t watch his daughters being born?

Good.

No mercy, Ginny. Save your strength. You are going to need it.

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Is Lebron James’ Mom Sleeping with Delonte West?

Oh, wow. This is uncomfortable. Rumors are circulating that Lebron James’ mother has been having an affair with Lebron’s teammate Delonte West.

delonte_west

Duuuuuuude.

The word on the street is that Gloria James and Delonte West have been carrying on for some time now and when Lebron found out just before game 4 it destroyed the chemistry that the Cavs had been playing with.

Delonte West is 26 years old. Gloria James is 42.  Lebron James is 25.

lebron-james-gloria-james

My head hurts and I am kind of sick to my stomach.

As a mother, might I say that it is inappropriate to have sex with your son’s teammates?

As someone who has been on a team, might I say that you should not fuck your teammates parents? In general, don’t put your penis in the vagina of your friend’s mother.

Delonte West and Lebron James

As a sports fan I am definitively going to say that this pretty much screwed Cleveland.

As an entrepreneur I am just wondering who gets the movie rights.

. . . .

Sarah is even more grossed out because all of her son’s friends are six years old.

Tito Ortiz Arrested For Throwing Jenna Jameson

At this point, no one is sure what is going on here except Jenna Jameson says she will be pressing charges against MMA fighter, Tito Ortiz, for allegedly throwing her into a bathtub and tearing two ligaments in her shoulder.

tito-ortiz

Jameson claims that Ortiz accused her of being addicted to Oxycontin after finding several pills in her pocket.  The two would argue, she would recall saying something “very hurtful to his ego” and claims that Tito grabbed her arm and threw her into the bathtub.

In a shocking turn of events, Tito’s attorney denies that Ortiz touched her, claiming that Jameson was having an “emotional meltdown” and Ortiz is completely innocent of any wrongdoing.

In addition to denying any addiction to drugs, Jenna was quoted as saying that this was the final “nail in the coffin” for their relationship.  The UN and EU have been notified and flags all over the world will fly at half-mast today.

When I wrote my inaugural UFC post, this wasn’t the subject matter for which I was hoping, but since everyone knows the name of the golden-haired phenom that wowed us when bursting on to the national scene (Jenna Jameson), I thought we could all really relate, you know?  Combined with my love for men choking each other and my own addiction to drugs, it seemed like a slam dunk for me.

jenna-jameson

Regarding Ortiz, few MMA fighters have broken into the mainstream like he has done.  Tito was one of the pioneers of the sport, at one time being managed by UFC President Dana White before White acquired the ailing UFC for a measly one million dollars, an investment that has already paid off a thousand times over. That’s pretty amazing.

White would revitalize the sport by getting it sanctioned by the Nevada State Athletic Commission, adding weight classes, five-minute rounds (instead of fight until you die) and some other rule adjustments that would legitimize the sport and help restore its legal status in several states.

The sport would breakout through Spike TV, where a reality progam called “The Ultimate Fighter” would air, featuring several fighters who would compete in a tournament, the ultimate prize being a one year contract in the UFC.  UFC veterans (such as Chuck Liddell and Randy Couture for the first season) would be brought in to coach teams that would compete against one another, the pay-off also being that the coaches would fight after the show’s finale,  a part of the show’s formula that continues to this day. (I love this show!!)

As it happens, Tito Ortiz is one of the coaches on the current season (back for a second time) opposite the heavy-handed Chuck Liddell (also back for a second time). The two are scheduled to fight some time after the show’s live finale.  One wonders if this turn of events will have an effect on whether or not that fight will take place (again).

Liddell connects with a crushing left. I could watch him do that all day.

Liddell connects with a crushing left. I could watch him do that all day.

The rocky history between Ortiz and Dana White is well-documented, at times the men publicly spewing venom in the other’s direction. And at one point, they were even scheduled to fight in secret.  Seriously.  An actual fight. I wrote a story about it here, and it is why Dana White is my hero.

Jameson and Ortiz aren’t married but have twin boys together.  It’s difficult to say what happens at this point, but with Tito’s accusations that Jenna is addicted to drugs and her claims that he physically assaulted her, I believe this is about to get very messy.

Ortiz held a press conference today, his attorney claiming that Jenna has been battling with an addiction to painkillers for over a year, including stints in rehab, 911 calls and suicide attempts.  Tito, visibly emotional, would add that he hopes she’s okay.

When asked how she would respond to his claims, she would simply say, “he’s trying to save his career,” before collecting her things and heading off to Vegas with friends.

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