Stephen Wesley Thomas, PGA Tour professional, competitor in 44 PGA events and unknown to me until this moment was arrested in a sting executed by the Osceola County Sherrif’s Office in Orlando, FL. Dubbed “Operation Red Cheeks”, the week-long operation snagged 40 men suspected of travelling to meet minors for sex.

I’m not sure if “Operation Red Cheeks” refers to the rosy hue of a child’s innocent face, or the ass of a man who has just been arrested for child molestation. I certainly hope the latter.

The 55 year-old Thomas confessed and was found with two boxes of pudding, condoms, and a bottle of honey. I would add to the equation a large mound of angry fire ants, and the recipe for justice is complete.

Some would argue that stings like this are entrapment, and I would argue shut the fuck up I don’t care. I want to entrap the fuck out of these people. I want to trick them. And as far as I’m concerned, I’d rather every policeman waiting to give me a ticket for speeding be online pretending to be a thirteen year old girl. They can even do it from their cars while they’re waiting to give me a ticket. I don’t fucking care.

This shit is effective, worthwhile and KEEP DOING IT. DO IT MORE. My only complaint is that “Operation Red Cheeks” lasted a week and ended on January 8th. This seems like a 52 week per year operation to me.

In one week, they lured 40 men. I believe the result would be similar each and every week. Again, BRAVO, and… ENCORE. Let’s keep this shit rolling. I’ll even help. I can act thirteen. I do it all the time. I don’t really even need you guys to help. I have a computer. I can rent a hotel room. I have a bat.  And I love pudding.

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“I’m thinking about having a Russian hooker pee on me later,” said Tiger in my mind, “then I’m going to have her drop hot candlewax on my nipples while I bark like a terrier and watch Full House re-runs.”

My mind is a place where fantastic things happen, and the ensuing questions began a whirlwind and chain of events that had thousands of spectators throwing pastries and just having an all around awesome time.

Tiger and former caddie Steve Williams, now known as a racist, thumb wrestled for race superiority and Steve Buscemi flew by on a pegasus, which is just outside the frame of this picture.

What actually happened is Stevie and Tiger shook hands, which is why I needed the fantasy embellishment. That’s pretty fucking boring and not what I was hoping for at all and my story was waaaaay better. Though I do enjoy the look on Tiger’s face, which is a delightful combination of  ”fuck you” and “I want to smash your face in with my driver.”

And what Woods really said was, “we were just sightly off,” which after not winning a hole and tying the record for worst loss ever is like describing the Ebola virus as an itchy rash.

Since Stevie is now Adam Scott’s caddie, Williams was able to witness the brutal thrashing of Tiger’s “black arse” and I’m allowed to say it because I put it in quotes and he said it in reference to Tiger. So there.

This horrific loss leaves one to question if Tiger will now suck or if he’ll ever be able to reach the lofty status he once owned.  It also makes me wonder whether or not I care.

Stevie Williams might be a racist. I don’t know him. It seems that it’s okay to define a man by his race when we’re talking about his accomplishments, but not when we’re talking about his ass. If I had a dime for every time I heard “First Black President” on television, I’d have at least $13.80.

I say we start calling black men “men” and forget their fucking color completely, but that’s just me. Any differentiation, be it positive or negative, is the fucking problem. At least in my muted, subtle opinion that you’ll often find here.

I get why the remark upset people, but I also get that Tiger and Williams were tight. I can see a white guy and a black guy hanging out and telling each other to stick it up their appropriately colored asses and laughing about it. Sometimes people are too touchy, and Tiger, the one who knows Williams better than all of us, was the first to defend him. And Tiger seems like a giant dick.  So take that for what it’s worth.

I loved Tiger until I found out the type of person he was. Yes, he cheated and he sucks, I suck and many, many others suck for that. If most people I know hadn’t done it, I’d be much quicker to condemn him. It wasn’t that for me. It was how he treated the women. That’s what showed me the type of person he was, and I’m sure that treatment extended to others around him. Might even be why some of his former employees want to stick things in his ass, which he would probably enjoy. It also might be why he wasn’t so pissed about about it.

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(Also, whomever is responsible for the “Rory, Rory, Hallelujah” headline? Fired.)

I’m not even kidding. Did you watch it? I mean, the guy is a cutie and seems to have his wits about him, but the last time I saw a list of super-positive adjectives strewn across a screen with voiceovers, it was February and Bob Costas was sitting in a fake Vancouver living room. There’s Rory in a funny wig, looking, what was it, “grounded”? There’s Rory admitting he said that bitchass thing about Tiger. There’s Rory doing the good work (which is indeed good, no snark here about that) in Haiti. There’s Rory admitting his Master’s run sucked.

Oh, media. OH MEDIA.

Anyway. The thing I’m on about now is Tiger. And what I mean by this is that I am sick and tired of every time someone wins something around here, somebody else is the story. What is with that, American media and people? Tiger Woods torched his marriage and his career (at least in the short-term) and also Tiger is what, now? 35? Tiger is not a phenom anymore. Tiger is a really good golfer who is aging and who has played mind games with basically everyone in his orbit. When that happens? It lands on you. It’s inescapable, unless you’re like, Jay Leno, who still has a lucrative job and a nightly tv time slot and I don’t understand that at all.

Anyway. What I’m reading now is that, wow, that McIlroy kid did a great job, but I sure wish he’d played Tiger. I sure wish Tiger was out there. It would have made things so much more exciting.

Snooze. I may be going into inappropriate mama bear and judgmental harpy mode simultaneously here, but I don’t even enjoy watching Tiger play golf anymore. It’s all the press conferences and the whining and “Oh, my knee!”

Minus the press conferences it’s a lot like an average day at the mall with my grandma, may she rest in peace.

Yes, I know. Men want competition. They want chest-banging and the young man (who can’t possibly be this good right? Can’t. Possibly. Be. This. Good.) to go head-to-head with the aging sex fiend who’s extremely handy with a golf club and apparently dextrous in myriad other ways, and about that I am just not enthused.

I like the looks of Rory McIlroy, basically. I’m not about to go all NBC-promo crazy about him, because if there’s one thing I can learn it’s a lesson. And whereas I am not entirely cynical about humanity, does everyone remember the Tiger worship of years past gone awry, when he just seemed to be an amazing golfer with a nice life and a supreme mentor of a dad and a swing, oh my lands, a swing? And then he turned out to be a little, or actually way more freaky than your average Wide World of Sports (yes, I know that was ABC) clip would have had us believe? I mean, my golf-addict father threw a golf shoe at the tv a couple of years ago when Tiger popped up post-scandal, so disappointed was he. A SHOE. And my father is not a family values preacher, put it that way.

I’m not about to put Rory McIlroy on any kind of pedestal, because oh how the mighty golfers (and football players, and cyclists, and…) fall. But what I’m also not going to do is say that his win today at the Open was any less valuable or exciting just because Tiger Woods was off icing his knee and maybe dirty texting a girl or six and not there to play him. That was a pretty great field of golfers out there, and if they couldn’t close to catch Rory? That’s still pretty cool.

Tiger? Whatever. To every golfer there is a season. I may be a big jerk, but I’m still kind of hoping his reaping is over.

Whoops.

Tiger said his knee injury from the Master’s was acting up again.

“The knee acted up and then the Achilles followed after that, and then the calf started cramping up. Everything started getting tight, so it’s just a whole chain reaction.”

Golfer Graeme McDowell — that’s @GraemeMcDowell to you — just tweeted this from the Florida contest:

“Just saw Tiger come limping by me in the locker room. Considering he’s supposed to be on the course I’m guessing that’s not a good sign…..”

Tiger’s only finished in the top ten at Player’s once in the past ten years, and won it in 2001.

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[Image: Streeter Lecka, Getty]

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. The man is good, but this wouldn’t be the first time he’s charged on the final day of a major before drifting back to the pack. In fact, he’s yet to come from behind and overtake the leader in a major on Sunday.

That being said, he was a factor right until Aussies Adam Scott and Jason Day jumped the pack on the final holes. Their fellow countryman, Ogilvy, Tiger Woods and a couple of others were eating a sandwich and sharing the clubhouse lead at 10 under.

Despite Day and Scott seemingly running away with it as both were 12 under and teeing off on 18, South African Charl Schwartzel birdied 16 and 17 giving him a one stroke lead after having hovered with the group all day.  Schwartzel would then hit two near perfect shots on 18 and have twenty feet and two putts to win the Masters. He would make it in one, just to to rub it in Australia’s loser faces (I can’t be sure that’s why he did it, but check out this evil grin).

Schwartzel’s win commemorates the 50th Anniversary of fellow South African Gary Player’s Masters victory when he was the first international player to win the prestigious tournament. Australia probably doesn’t like him, either, but I can’t be positive about that. One time Gary Player yelled at me for sitting too close to the green. I told him that I was behind the ropes. He didn’t care about the “damn” ropes and seemed quite upset. I called him a jerk.

Schwartzel has been lingering in the top 20  in recent majors, so his winning isn’t a complete surprise.  And make no mistake about it, Schwartzel took those last three holes, mounted them and rode majestic through the fiery gates of Babylon. (I stole that from a Will Ferrell movie and have been saying it anytime we go anywhere. “Let’s ride majestic, ” I’ll say, and everyone rolls their eyes and hates me.)

It was a refreshing change to see so many trying to win instead of everyone trying to lose while one guy isn’t sucking as bad as the rest. It was one of those days where you didn’t care who won, and that whoever did win completely deserved the victory. It was one of the best Masters in years, and ha ha Tiger, you’re still kind of a dick. Why are you such a dick? Can’t you be nice in post-round interviews like the other good golfers, most of whom are not dicks? It’s called being a sore loser. Let’s not forget that it wasn’t too long ago when you asked a girl if she would like to pee on you.

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I don’t know I care, as it has zero bearing on his ability as an athlete, but, as I’ve discussed many times before, Tiger made a living selling his image as a clean-cut family man, not just as an athlete, so with every endorsement he loses, I cheer a little inside. And outside. And then I discuss it with everyone I know, even though no one cares as much as I do.

He’s already lost Accenture, Gatorade, AT&T and others, and his endorsement earnings were down $22M year over year, but now — yeehaw! — Gillette is the latest sponsor to tell him to hit the road. And after all, he still has Nike.

2009 wasn’t exactly a spectacular year for our fine golfing friend, and I would say that it’s relatively rare for athletes to truly reap the consequences of their actions — after all, $22M down, the dude is still left with $70M, and that’s just for ONE YEAR. And yet, you have to wonder (hope?) if others will follow suit.

Tiger Woods on his knees

Jonna is stoked that the Patriots clinched home field advantage and remains as riveted by Tiger (and Elin) as ever.

Duking it out in the boneheaded-retireee category:

Warren Sapp? He was pulled over by a cop in a minivan, but yesterday he had moved on to other more pressing concerns.

Lenny Dykstra? He’s pretending to be a lawyer and demanding his creditors return the private jet they reposessed. He’d like them to give him $800,000 too. He’s also a cutie, right?

John Elway? Ponzi scheme, anyone?

I guess Auto Nation wasn’t the bonanza he was looking for.

Liar? Faker? Crybaby?

That would be Gilbert Arenas. Yawn.

Illegal betting?

Check. Tiger didn’t have enough trouble in his life, and no comment from Federer.

Ouch

Pinkies are apparently overrated — or at least they are if you’re Hokie left guard Greg Nosal and want to finish the damn game. I’m a mom. I’ve said, “Don’t interrupt me unless there’s blood.” But this? Ridonculous.

And he plays fantasy baseball too.

Big Hair

Elvis has not left the building, or had a haircut since March. Somebody tell him he’s not a hockey player and playoff beards do not belong on top of your head.

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[Photo: US Presswire]

Cincinnati Bengal Chad Ochocinco was trying to help Feed the Children by having their phone number for donations printed on boxes of his cereal, “OchocincOs.” A typo sends callers to a phone sex line instead. If Chad were not a Bengal, would this be as funny? I think not.

Premier League players are accused of hiring 15 hookers for a post-match celebration party. This probably wouldn’t be news if one of the hookers had not been a transvestite. He kept that little tidbit to himself while doing “some oral stuff” with Fulham defender Carlos Salcido. Salcido intends to sue the transvestite. That will be fun.

Drugs

Alberto Contador is blaming his positive drug test during the Tour de France on bad steak. Contador, who won the title, tested positive in a test taken the last rest day of the 2010 Tour. His story sounds plausible. The drug detected is given to cows and meat from Spain that was consumed by Contador and his teammates. The fact that it’s the Tour de France makes this one a bit of a yawn. As Contador said, “It’s almost normal for people to doubt this sport now.” Gee, you think? This surely isn’t the end of this story, especially since Lance Armstrong is a former teammate of both Contador and Floyd Landis, the only Tour winner to be stripped of his title. So far, anyway.

Bieber

Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins has purchased the rights to a Justin Bieber song. I have no idea what this means. It’s probably just an Eenie Meenie sign of the apocalypse.

“Shawty is a (sic) eenie meenie miney mo lover?” Who wouldn’t want to co-sign that genius? Um…

None of the Above

Last week I mentioned the sport of wife-carrying.

I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you about the Harris Cup International Miniature Golf Tournament, being contested this weekend in Vestal, NY. Winners of regional qualifiers meet in Vestal to decide a champion. Nobody wins their weight in beer, though.

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Top photo: Robert Seale/TSN /ZUMA Press.

Bottom photo: Eightface.com

October Golf - Feel the Heat!

I am only half joking.  I live in Cleveland and the weather here is no day at the beach, even when you’re spending the day at the beach.  But whenever I see golf in England I have to take a minute to appreciate how completely miserable it looks.  40 degrees, driving rain and gale-force winds?  Where are my sticks?

Golf was not meant for October.  They invented the game, you would think they know this by now.

One sport meant for October is co-ed (double) touch football.  Wave of Mutilation gears up for a 10 am game tomorrow morning.  Yes 10 am.  Now, 10 years ago, this was a dicey proposition for my team.  We were all in our young to mid-twenties, we were out getting drunk the night before and maybe someone would puke on the sideline (and maybe that happened last year, who’s to say?).  But now, we are old and we have kids.  I was up til 12:30 last night and was probably the only one to miss curfew.  This might seem like a downer, but it often turns into an advantage when our less teetotaling opponents show up groggy to the field.

As life changes you have different problems to solve out on the field like how do we run a three-deep zone while keeping all the kids off the field?  And, we might have to leave the game if Lincoln’s nap doesn’t last through the half.  And the lessons are different as well.  I promise to be understanding when my boy drops a wide open two-point conversion.  But the ball hit my hat and then I couldn’t see with the hat and the clouds and sun in my eyes!

Despite the adversity (and the weather), we’ll happily be out there tomorrow.  Then maybe we’ll get a quick round of golf in – parkas and all.

U.S. Captain Corey Pavin said the team as a whole has decided not to tweet this week, because it can be distracting and takes focus away from the Cup, matches and team camaraderie.

“But first thing a week from today, I’m sure tweeting will be all over the place,” Pavin said.

(Dude obviously doesn’t get Twitter. “Tweeting will be all over the place”? Amateur.)

Gratuitous shot of cutie pie Rickie Fowler since he’s probably the cutest of the bunch, said in a non-pervy, mom-cute kinda way. Check out those eyes!

Combined, Corey Pavin, Rickie Fowler, Stewart Cink, Zach Johnson, Hunter Mahan, and Bubba Watson have over 1.3 million followers. And that is only a portion of the US team. On the European side between Colin Montgomerie, Ian Poulter, Graeme McDowell, Rory McIlroy and Francesco Molinari there are more than one million followers. Those are some powerful numbers in the Twitterverse.

Other professional sports that have banned Twitter use include the NHL, NFL, NBA, and the MLB, most putting a time limit before and after game time, restricting all organization employees. The ban for the Ryder Cup teams just seemed to follow suit.

It doesn’t end there, though.

On Tuesday the ban was lifted by Montgomerie, or modified to allow personal tweets.

“Tweeting has not been banned,” he said. He also who claims never to have used Twitter, (the account linked above is for his foundation.) “Whatever they do [in the posts], whatever they are, respect is shown for what is said within the team room. That’s what I have banned. They can do whatever they have to do elsewhere regarding their thoughts.”

HUH? Let me interpret for you:

“Don’t tweet about the Ryder Cup specifically but feel free to tell whomever is listening that you just took a crap.”

So. Will they or won’t they? So far today I’ve seen a few tweets about mundane stuff, practice rounds, losing cash to their practice partners, etc. No evidence of anyone taking a crap. Damn. That’s what I turn to Twitter for. I guess they’re all taking the ban seriously, so if you’re a golf fan and like to follow your favorite player on Twitter for the inside scoop, you’ll just have to wait until the tournament is over, but by then all the news will be old.

Kendra would love to watch the Ryder Cup but it starts at 2 am. Who gets up for that shit?

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