Oops.

Apparently Reggie was so shady the year that he “won” the Heisman Trophy, accepting cash, gifts and other “impermissible benefits” (what is left besides cash and gifts? Hmmm.) that he was ineligible to play and therefore to win the most prestigious award in NCAA football. This, no matter what a great job he did on the football field. For its part, USC is breaking up with Bush, removing any images and mementos of him from its athletic facilities.

The Heisman Trophy Trust has investigated this for three months, after the NCAA June retroactive ruling that Bush was ineligible for part of the 2004 and all of the 2005 season. The Heisman Trophy Trust and the NCAA, it is safe to say, do not care for Reggie Bush at all. Why?

Not only will he have to return his trophy, but USC is still under investigation for its role in Bush’s shenanigans and may lose its 2004 Bowl Championship Series national title. The Trust supposedly wants to maintain the integrity of the Heisman, and also to hold Bush accountable to what the ballot says: that players must be in compliance with NCAA by-laws when they win.

Reggie Bush has obviously gone on to major NFL success, including this year’s Super Bowl win with the New Orleans Saints. He’s been quiet about the Heisman issue so far. It’s just too bad to have that kind of accomplishment invalidated because he couldn’t manage to turn down money and trinkets — hard as that might be to do in certain situations. And it’s even worse to have your own school have to remove any evidence that you were there, no matter how much a legitimately acquired Super Bowl ring may soften the blow.

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…….

Laurie wonders who was doling out these impermissible benefits and what they were, because she is nosey.

Now, I went to UD, it’s a pretty small school, Catholic, conservative (not up to my mom’s standards, but we’re talking relatively here) and in general a nice, clean place.  Even I, a drunken bachelor, felt the sure creepy-crawly approach of pubic crabs whenever I stepped into a college restroom.  These are floors you don’t want to STAND on, let alone eat off of.  And the general idea was to get-in, get-out, leave no man behind.  Ben went to school about an hour from me at Miami of Ohio.  I have never been, but apparently the bathrooms there are pristine sanctuaries with butler service and fine Corinthian leather couches.  Apparently, there is no better place to put your moves on the ladies?

This happened in April.  Last night Ben met with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.  Roethlisberger, doing his best Svengali, convinced Goodell that he had “turned his life around” since April.  And by that he meant that he was able to not get drunk and cruise high school chicks for the past five months.  Top notch!

I don’t mean to make light of the situation, bad decisions were made all around and these weren’t Roethlisberger’s first.  But, I think next time, the league would look a little better just setting the suspension at four games to begin with and promising Ben more pine time if he uses Little Ben inappropriately before his time is up.

There are four games on tv tonight, Thursday, August 2, followed by dozens on Saturday, culminating with the Boise St./Virginia Tech. match up on Monday. (List of games can be found here.)

Most of the games are what I call tv games. You know the ones. A big school hosts a little school for the ad revenue? Yeah, I don’t care either. I’m just glad that I will be able to turn on my a/c, pour a cold beer, and scream at the flat screen for a little while.

After checking over the Top 25 overview there are not more than a couple of games that will be interesting, with the possible exception of Boise St./ Virginia Tech. Considering  all games are out of conference and there are only two other games that put two ranked teams on the field together: the #3 and #10 teams had better Bring It.

I’ve gone without college football for way too long and I need my fix.

Kendra is not kidding about her football addiction.

This is almost as stupid as J-Lo insuring her butt.

How does one collect on this? If Troy gets a bad haircut can he collect? Is it only in case of fire? Is Delilah a pressing threat?

I’m thinking that Head & Shoulders just bought itself  $1 million worth of advertising on AM radio talk shows, Sportscenter and blogs like Draft Day Suit.

Very sneaky.

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Holy crap! Troy and I are on the same wavelength. He also referenced Jennifer Lopez’s ass.

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* * *

Sarah was also asking with her eyes.

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My 5.5-month old son is helping me write this. His favorite sport is the 8-finger keyboard mash, particularly when it results in an alert beep from the PC speaker. I have to watch him though because he’s all over the control and alt keys and frequently brings up previously unknown keyboard shortcut dialogs. “Are you sure you would like to self-destruct your computer?” He and clippy would have been the best of friends.

Hockey is a couple of months away, both NHL and rec style. I have a good feeling I’m going pro this year though!  Keep your fingers crossed.  I have it on good authority that the pros are looking for a lot of 34-year-old rookies.  They just watched and were inspired by that Dennis Quaid movie.

And everything else is kind of blah.  Things are so slow that the Bengals have gone the whole day without an arrest (last check 2 p.m.)!  Talk about a dull sports day!

Oh well, I guess I’ll go back to killing my lawn.  aj[[[ pofeisu 98gea – Oh, and Lincoln says goodbye.

FOOTBALL! PRESEASON FOOTBALL!

I buy beer. I make chicken wings. (Fine. I ask Gabe to make wings for me.)

This year I made both children wear Bucs jerseys.

We all sat at the living room table to watch FOOTBALL. It was so exciting.

Ten minutes later we were all bored out of our minds. Preseason football is boring. I don’t know these players. The commentators suck. There are always problems with the satellite feeds.

I know this. My husband tells me this before we watch the game. It is true every single year. Every year, every week of preseason it is the same. The games are torture. There are thousands of yards of penalties. The commercials are all for used car dealerships or local bars – not local bars here, but local bars in Kansas City or Jacksonville.

I think – this year I am going to watch all of the preseason games and I will kick ass at fantasy football!

But I can’t. I couldn’t even sit through the first half of the Bucs/Dolphins game.

On one hand, hooray! Football!

On the other hand, it is sort of like watching a little league flag football game except these guys don’t look as cute in helmets, it isn’t funny when they knock each other down and people really get hurt.

Oh, and it is so depressing when the guys get injured in preseason.

Don’t get me wrong – I’ll be watching the games this week. I just know that I will hate them.

Obsession isn’t supposed to make sense.

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He was so close to the Super Bowl last year, he said, he could feel it. And he “owes it” to the Vikings to give it one more try. He’s not promising he can make it through the season, though, the season that he says will be his “last.”

Right, anyway.

I used to like the guy. Respect him, even. Now, the more I hear his name the more I want to pull my ears off with some rusty pliers. Dude, grow a pair and quit trying to relive your youth. I know that you produced last year but realistically how long will that last? I’m guessing one good sack in the regular season and you’re toast, as if your body isn’t already. You’ll be in a wheelchair before your 40s are over, and then where will you be? Counting your millions while someone has to feed you because you can’t lift your right arm isn’t as glamorous as it sounds. I’m also guessing that the millions that you’ve already earned won’t be enough to buy back the missed time with your family or the time you’ll spend rehabbing all of those joints that are going to have to be replaced.

And you know what? I’m not the only one that’s calling shenanigains on you.

Go home to Hattiesberg. Have a mint julep. Relax a little. Sure, let the tv crew in when they’re ready for a little NFL analysis come playoff time, but quit jacking with your team and your body. The shtick is just old.

You can thank me later, but I’d like my share of whatever you’re paying your therapist now, in small bills. And considering that your salary is reported to hit $16.5 million this year from $13.5 million last year, plus incentives reported to jack it up to almost $20 million, I think you can spare the dimes.

Kendra is ready for some football. But not like this.

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I’ve got Fantasy Baseball Fatigue, and the prognosis is not good.

It started with the World Cup. I was too obsessed with the multiple heart-stopping games and that German booger-eating coach to spend any time following MLB. Then came the All-Star break. I got out of the habit of checking my three teams daily while no one was playing. Then I went out of town a few times, we got a puppy, blah, blah, blah. Excuses are like assholes. For the record, the same thing happened with my garden. The weeds continue to be out of control. But that’s for another blog.

I can see why people eschew fantasy baseball in favor of fantasy football. It’s so. Much. More. Time. Not only do you have daily lineups to set in fantasy baseball, but even if you set them ahead of time, other than starting pitchers, you never know who might play on a given day. You have to watch who goes on the disabled list. You have to watch who’s starting and who’s not. You have to gauge slumps and decide if and when to bench or trade players who aren’t performing. You have to follow which pitchers settle into closer roles on successful teams. It’s a lot of interwebs clicking. Unlike last season, I’m not working at a job where I actively seek out opportunities for time theft and had ample opportunities daily to sift through pages of statistics, reports, and lineups. Fantasy football, on the other hand, is Showtime Rotisserie of fantasy sports: you just set it and forget it.

I’m almost scared to log into Yahoo! Sports. I’ve become the girl who can’t hang with the boys. The question remains: do I attempt to salvage this season and make a last-ditch attempt at a playoffs run, or just scrap my dreams of virtual baseball trophies and start prepping for football season?

Maybe if I get some meds, I can do both.

What does this mean?  Well, it means that my Buckeyes will be soon be taking the field.  I can almost hear the snap, taste the stadium dogs and feel the earth reverberating. 

I see the blue sky and sense the crisp fall winds blowing the Big Ten (Eleven/Twelve) flags around the top of Ohio Stadium.  I picture cringing at Cameron Heyward when he sacks Iowa’s Ricky Stanzi, a cringe which is followed closely by my screaming, “Yeeeeeeaaaaahh!” and a lot of high-fiving.

There is nothing better than a good sack. 

That’s what she said.

Really, though?  There is nothing better than college football. 

Can my boys win a sixth straight Big Ten (Eleven/Twelve) title?  Probably.  Do they have a good chance at making it to the BCS Championship again?  Possibly.  Will I go ape-shit crazy when they take the field even if they go 4-8?  Likely.  (I originally had those stats at 2-10, but that’s really pushing it.)

I have been one of the Buckeye faithful since I was a child.  I have followed them all over the country, including Arizona for their loss in the 2007 BCS Title Game.  My heart, it hurts.

I have seen them win at Michigan, Penn State and Illinois.  I have watched them lose at Indiana, Pittsburgh, Purdue (where I was assaulted by one of their fans…which may have had something to do with the megaphone on which I was blaring our fight song…I SO deserved it) and an Outback Bowl in Tampa.  Why I travel to bowl games, I’ll never know.

Not true.  I know.  I go because they are my team. 

I go because I am a fan.

I am tradition and history.  I am Woody Hayes, Archie Griffin and The Best Damn Band in the Land.  I am Cris Carter, Block “O” and the Victory Bell.  I am Eddie George, Mirror Lake and “Carmen Ohio.”

I go because I am a Buckeye. 

I am Ohio State.

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I’m a silly man. A silly, silly man. The amount of joy or sadness I derive from this game is… dumb.  The happiness I feel when a waiver wire acquisition becomes a performer (thank you, Miles Austin) is… a little immature. But I love it.

Last year, I missed the draft and spent the rest of the year scrambling for players. I can’t recall the exact players the autodraft gave me, but I’m pretty sure one of them was Curtis Martin and I think my quarterback was Fran Tarkenton. Like I said, I can’t recall and it really doesn’t matter because I never keep anyone I draft. Despite my poor luck, I fought my way to the league championship (thank you, Miles Austin).

This year, I haven’t done the first bit of research. I’m dreading it, actually. Because I know once I dig in, I’ll become a frothing lunatic. My friends say, “you should just do it casually.”  What they might as well be saying is, “Crystal meth is fine if you do it in moderation.”  With me, there is no “casual” or “moderation.” A great man once said, “Karate is either do or no do.”  That’s me and fantasy football. I have a problem.

For the next several weeks, this is what I will be doing. It’s what I’ll be writing about here and if you’re looking for fantasy football advice, that’s exactly what you’ll get here. I didn’t say it was good advice, I just said it was advice. (Actually, my obsession with this usually puts me in the championship or close, so you might pick up some good info, emphasis on “some.”)

So let’s start out simply. Who’s going to be my first pick?

Well, I always draft a running back first, and never the most obvious. Then I spend the rest of the year trying to replace him, but here are some guys at the top of my list:

1. Chris Johnson – Titans

2. Adrian Peterson – Vikings

3. Michael Turner – My Falcons

4. DeAngelo Williams – Panthers

5. Maurice Jones-Drew – Jaguars

6. Frank Gore – 49ers

7. Cedric Benson – Bengals

8. Ray Rice – Ravens

9. Ryan Grant – Packers

10. Shonn Greene – Jets (Look for Shonn to be in the top five by mid-season, maybe sooner.)

Most of the guys above are the unquestioned man.  The others are so good, it doesn’t matter. I’d put Knowshon Moreno (Denver) at number 11 followed by Ryan Matthews (San Diego) at 12, even though he’s totally unproven.  Here’s some problems I have with the others:

Pierre Thomas is not in my top ten because a) Drew Brees b) Reggie Bush c) Mike Bell. And Reggie Bush wouldn’t be there, but he’s a good flex if you need one. What happened to the good old days when an entire team depended on the health of one guy and he played no matter what (like the kneeless and always questionable Brian Westbrook)?

Can someone please explain to me why Brandon Jacobs isn’t scoring 50 tds a year? He’s massive, elusive and never gets the ball on the goal line. It’s a little maddening. Ahmad Bradshaw kicks ass, but who knows what’s going on here? I’m staying away from this mess, but if I had to choose one, I’d probably pick Bradshaw because Jacobs’ bones seem to be made of uncooked pasta.

Jonathan Stewart (Panthers) is a stud. He could start on any team, his only problem is, DeAngelo Williams is studdier. If you get DeAngelo, you should get Stewart but he’ll go high. Having both is the ultimate insurance, and you can even play both. The price is a bye week pain in the ass and missing out on another high ranking player. It might be worth it to lock up the Panthers running game. These are guys I’d have no problem starting together.

Felix Jones (Cowboys) is greased lightning, but Tashard Choice is someone to watch and Marion the Barbarian still resides in Dallas. Jones could have some monster performances, but he’ll probably have to score from outside the ten if he wants to frequently see the endzone. I predict Jones will be inconsistent.

Beanie Wells (Cardinals) is awesome, but Hightower is there and producing, despite how much better Wells is. They’ll run the ball more now that Warner is out of the picture and I believe that Wells will emerge as the guy, but I thought that last year.  Wells’ greasy fingers gave Hightower the opportunity to also fumble, leaving the coaching staff confused and splitting carries, figuring there was pretty much no difference. Plus, Hightower has shown to be a great receiver out of the backfield, and we’ll probably see a good bit of that this year. Wells has greater upside and could be one of the league’s top backs, but as long as Hightower performs, why would he not play?

Darren McFadden might have a breakout year this year. He might also have a bone break out of his leg. Plus, all Michael Bush does is move the ball forward. Throw in the fact they both play in Oakland and I don’t know what more information you’re looking for.

The only reason Joseph Addai (Colts) did as well as he did last year was Donald Brown was injured for five games and Peyton Manning is the man and he should have my babies. Or I’ll have his. I don’t know and don’t care, he can choose. Of course, Donald Brown could always get hurt again and Addai will score some tds when Peyton doesn’t feel like throwing it to Clark or Wayne from the one yard line (or he’s pregnant with my babies).

Fred Jackson is looking like the man in Buffalo, while Lynch is likely to take a backseat. Or will Lynch get all, “No way, man!” and steal the job back with a couple of solid performances.  If I draft Fred Jackson, it’s a guarantee that Lynch will take his job back.

Steven Jackson always does way better in setting his yardage goals than he actually does in achieving them.

Matt Forte’? Ehhh… I won’t be looking for him, but you could do much worse.

LeSean McCoy… he’s intriguing, but until we see what a McNabless Eagles looks like, I’m not buying. Plus, Weaver will probably get the goal line carries.

Jamaal Charles could be a top ten, but Thomas Jones will eat into his carries. That’s also why Shonn Greene is in the top ten and Charles isn’t. Plus, Greene looked fantastic last year. The only reason he’s got the ten-spot is he’s unproven as an every down guy, but I think he’s more than up to the task.  Leon Washington is hurt so he’ll have to be.

Ricky Williams? Ronnie Brown? It wasn’t long ago that Brown was a MONSTER (when he’s not broken, which is a lot). If he were to become so again ( a MONSTER and not broken), Ricky Williams will touch the ball less.  Last year it was Ricky, will it be again? I don’t think we’re going to know and more importantly, I don’t think anyone in Miami knows. Obviously, you take Williams if that’s your choice, but don’t be surprised if Brown quickly makes a major dent in Williams’ carries. Remember, Williams was drafted by Mike Ditka. I think I was still a virgin then. (More than five years ago, right?)

Others to watch are Steve Slaton (yawn) and rookie Ben Tate in Houston,  Justin Forsett and Julius Jones (whatever) in Seattle, and  Jerome Harrison in Cleveland (I’d simply stay way from anyone Cleveland because of the whole LeBron thing. They are cursed. Think about it. When was the last time you hoisted a fantasy football trophy and said, “Thank you, Cleveland Browns.” Sorry Cleveland. I am rooting for you in every way.) You have Kevin Faulk, Sammy Morris, Laurence Maroney, oh my.  Then Rashard Mendenhall and Mewelde Moore, oi vei. Cadillac Williams? I’ll give him that he’s had all the reliability of a ‘78 Coupe De Ville I once owned. Kevin Smith? The only problem I have with Smith is his entire team (Lions), and Maurice Morris historically screws up other people’s careers. It’s in his genes.  Also, the Lions drafted Jahvid Best and they will look to get him involved quickly.  Darren Sproles is too tiny (he could still kill me with his finger, but in NFL land, he’s just a little too small to be the man and Ryan Matthews figures to take the lead role).  I’d grab Chester Taylor before I’d grab a second kicker (or even a first one but they make me take one). I also wouldn’t trust Clinton Portis as far as I could throw him (which is not nearly as far as he can throw me.)

That’s about it. I’ve left out some guys, but if I left them out, I did so for a reason (because I’m high.)

Did I cover it all? I hope so and also hope you’ve extracted some good info from this (or that I really confused you.)  I strive to provide all the information without looking anything up, which is probably why a lot of the guys I mentioned don’t even play for those teams anymore. Just kidding, I’m sure most of them still do. Just make sure you look stuff up to confirm that I’m giving you the correct info. It’s not that hard. It’s the internet. Don’t be a baby about it.

Oh, I’m also probably wrong about most of this, so don’t do what I do when a sports writer gives me bad advice, which is go comment on his next post about what a waste of space he/she is and how he/she doesn’t know anything and he/she should die in a fiery plane crash like Buddy Holly (RIP, Buddy.) Seriously. I’ll just turn it off (cry.)

Good luck, kids! (Unless you’re in my league.)

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