All posts in Fight!

If we learned anything this past week, it’s that the Falcons are for real, the Bills are psycho, and Andre Johnson, despite being relatively docile, humble and unassuming, will beat your ass.

(fight around 3:25)

It’s one of the better fights in recent NFL history, with both men tearing off each other’s helmets and the guy you like to root for beating the crap out of a guy that no one likes.  For me, it was reminiscent of when Charles Barkley beat the snot out of Bill Laimbeer, or when Robert Parish beat the snot out of Bill Laimbeer. Pretty much whenever someone hurt Bill Laimbeer was a special moment.

Even though he landed three pretty significant blows to Finnegan’s noggin, Johnson won’t be suspended, and it’s likely because Cortland Finnegan is a dick.  Both men were fined $25,000, but this is Finnegan’s 3rd $25,000 fine for doing dickish stuff and that probably played a part in the wrist slap Johnson received.

As it turns out, in addition to being a great wide  receiver,  Andre Johnson is a pretty good fighter.  He also showed us that once you’ve pissed him off,  lying on the ground with your back turned does absolutely no good. He will punch the shit out of you wherever he can… in the ear, on the neck… places where that shit really hurts. And you better hope there are four referees and a football team there to save you.

Andre Johnson is a very large and strong man. I’m pretty sure I could hide somewhere on him and he wouldn’t even know it.  I could look up exactly how large he is, but I don’t feel like it. I am just that lazy.  So lazy am I that I am completely willing to go on hearsay regarding the whole matter. For example: Jimmy Johnson said that Andre Johnson is the nicest football player he’s ever met. I heard some other commentator say Finnegan was a dirty player. Boom. Journalism done. Throw in a headline I saw about Johnson not being suspended and bam. Publish.  (Yes, this is how I did my homework, too.)

Good fight, right? Not really. This is what we call an ass-beating, kids. Little brothers all over the country recognized exactly what was happening here.  This thing looked like it was moving on to a series of purple nurples and ending with a double wet-willy.  Had this happened in prison, Finnegan would be forced to wear lipstick and sing ”Happy Birthday, Mr President” while he poured Andre some toilet wine and fed him prison grapes, which I guess are raisins or bugs. I don’t know. Hopefully I’ll never find out.

I believe there are 2 lessons in this story:

1. Andre Johnson won’t be severely punished because he’s not a loud pain in the ass. He’s great, he’s humble and his reputation (as does Finnegan’s) precedes him. He’s an excellent example for our youth to understand that greatness speaks on its own and is handsomely rewarded when handled with grace and humility. In addition to the financial rewards and glory, society issues you a certain amount of ass-beating credit, the best thing society can give you.  Had Finnegan been raining down blows on Andre Johnson (which could only happen if Andre was sleeping and it probably wouldn’t wake him) then he’d have likely seen a multi-game suspension. You see, Finnegan is over his ass-beating credit limit, so much so that he even gets punished when he gets his ass beat. It’s simple economics.

2. If you’re a dick, you might get your ass beat in front of the entire country, have it replayed on Sportscenter 24/7 for days and the guy who did it not only doesn’t get severely punished, but you’re penalized equally, he’s more beloved than ever, and to top it off, some bored wise-ass on the internet has you in make-up, a dress, and serving toilet wine to the guy who just beat the shit out of you. It’s simple karma, as is the first lesson.

I think this story pretty much says it all about life. Oh, and I guess if there’s a third life lesson to be learned here, as if anyone really needed anything other than common sense to figure this one out, DO NOT FUCK WITH ANDRE JOHNSON. Have you ever seen that guy without his shirt?  I wouldn’t fight him with my truck. I’m starting to wonder if he was raised like Conan the Barbarian and forced to push a giant butter churn his entire life. Looks like it. And also like Conan, he will brutally beat you down with fists of justice.  Andre probably can’t fight with a sword, but I don’t think Conan can beat double coverage, so I think it would be an even fight. I’d like to see it is what I’m saying.

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