All posts in Fantasy Sports

Mayodamus: Week 5 Fantasy Pick ups

By | October 6, 2010 | Fantasy Sports, Football | 1 Comment

Every week before gametime, I call my buddy to discuss who we should play. We give each other advice, I either accept his or don’t, and if I lose, I beat myself up for either listening to him or not listening to him. This week, he prefaced everything he said with, “I’m wrong about everything this year, but this is who you should play…”  Because I’m a dumbass, I focused on the latter, and I’m now almost positive he’s just fucking with me.

With that, we stroll down memory lane and look back on my previous picks:

Last week I said Mike Vick and DeAngelo Hall could get into a Thunderdome battle and it would be fine with me.  On Sunday, DeAngelo Hall crushed Vick’s ribs.  Had this happened in a dome, I’d be opening a church and charging you money.  Had DeAngelo been a midget on a giant’s shoulders, it would have been way cooler.

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Brandon Lloyd (Broncos) has clearly emerged as Orton’s go-to guy (115 yds on Sunday), making me right for last week, but wrong about Denver’s other receiver, Demariyus Thomas. After looking like Brandon Marshall’s replacement in Week 2, he’s since liked Keanu Reeves in The Replacements. It’s clear that Eddie Royal and Brandon Lloyd are the favorites and both should continue to do well.

Jacoby Jones (Texans) is making me puke. I played him over Lloyd because Andre Johnson was hurt. Well, Jacoby Jones was hurt, too. Urghhh!!! I still won, though, but I’ll probably miss the playoffs by the points it cost me. (Thanks, Bryan. Asshole.)

The Chargers’ Ryan Mathews returned on Sunday, but Tolbert carried the load, racking up a hundred on sixteen carries and a touchdown. Tolbert averaged 6.3 yds per carry. Mathews averaged 6.1 yds per carry. Until Tolbert slows down or Mathews speeds up, Tolbert could continue to be a viable option. Tolbert received twice as many carries, but it was clear that Mathews was being eased back into action. I’d expect at least a 60/40 split favoring Mathews, but Tolbert could still do some damage. (I saw Ryan Mathews on Sport Science. I’m positive he could crush me with his eyebrow.)

Aaron Hernandez (Patriots TE) had 29 yds in Monday’s victory over Miami. The good news is, that’s 29 more yards than Randy Moss had and Hernandez almost accounted for 20% of Brady’s total passing yards. The bad news is, Brady didn’t throw for 700 yards.

I say Bruce Gradkowski, he throws for 278, 2 tds and an acceptable 2 int’s, with one rush for 16 yds almost negating one of those interceptions. So all in all, Gradkowski is looking solid and making me look like I have some kind of clue.

Okay, now let’s move on to guys who will excite you, you will play and they will score nothing.

Danny Woodhead – RB NE Patriots

Woodhead averaged 4.5 yards per carry and caught a short one for a td  during Monday night’s dismantling of the Dolphins. He only touched the ball 9 times, but each proved to be problematic for Miami’s stout defense. Green-Ellis is doing just fine, but regardless of that, expect Woodhead to get more playing time and even get the start should Green-Ellis go down. Sure, Fred Taylor’s around and will continue to impress us when he’s not hurt, unfortunately he will never not be hurt again. I’m not sure, but I think Fred Taylor was in Hee-Haw. Maybe it was The Benny Hill Show. I can’t remember, my point is that he’s super old. Not for a Mayan artifact, but for a running back, his time is near.  RB’s are getting slim, so Woodhead is worth a shot in deeper leagues.

Harry Douglas – WR Atlanta Falcons

Harry Douglas is sooo fast and Atlanta has said they’re committed to getting him the ball more.  Douglas has big play potential every time he touches the ball and could emerge as a weekly threat. 59 yds and a touchdown against San Francisco could be what gets this guy rolling on a consistent basis. I’m also a Falcon fan, so take that into consideration. I’ve had Brian Finneran on my team since ’98.

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Shaun Hill – QB Detroit Lions

Shaun Hill is lighting up opposing defenses and losing, but he might be the best loser in the league. It’s only a matter of time in Detroit, I’m telling you. This team is on the precipice of greatness (as they have been since the birth of football), but this year seems different to me. Hill threw for 331 and 2 tds against Green Bay on Sunday, and again, almost won. The great thing is, you don’t have to be a winner to be of value in fantasy football. I’m sure that makes 0-4 taste a little sweeter.

Brandon Pettigrew – TE Detroit Lions

You’ve heard this name before, but since he was on Detroit, ehhh… who cares, right? Think in fantasy football terms: Losing teams throw more.  Pettigrew had 8 grabs for 91 yards on Sunday and is clearly being targeted early, often and it’s only a matter of time before he’s racking up the scores.

Ryan Torain – RB Washington Redskins

Portis left with a groin injury after averaging 5.5 yds per carry, Torain cleaned up with a nice day totaling 70 yds and a td.  Torain has value if Portis is hurt, and interstingly enough,  the groin injury Portis suffered on Sunday will likely sideline him this week and depending on the MRI results, maybe a good deal longer.  Portis is no spring chicken and while he still looks great, his body won’t take the beating it once did. I get tired walking through the mall, and I think Portis is older than I am. Sure, I’m faster (if I’m falling from a 2 story building) and in better shape (for a “who looks more like a potato?” contest), but getting older is an ugly fact of life (as evidenced by Larry King).

That’s it, kids. A couple of guys to remember are Mike Williams (Buccaneers) and Dexter McCluster (KC) if you’re looking for a WR fill-in, maybe even an every week starter. Feel free to add any guys you think I might have missed and I won’t even yell at you (probably). See you next week.

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Tuesday Morning Fantasy Football Quarterback: Week Four

By | October 5, 2010 | Celebrity Athletes, Fantasy Sports, Football, NFL | 1 Comment

Hello. I just want to note that, while writing this, I’m suddenly compelled to conceive a fantasy league for the television show Hoarders but I realize the only way to do it would be to have dead animals score negative otherwise people would want to see dead animals and that’s just fucked up. Sickos.

Instead, I’ll put my noteworthy players in terms of another reality show, this time, the relatively-benign Dancing With The Stars.

The Good: Jennifer Grey Of course she’s good at ballroom dancing. She’s Baby from fucking Dirty Dancing, yo.

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  • Arian Foster (HOU, RB) I don’t condone whatever behavior got Foster benched in the first half of Houston’s win over Oakland, but I can appreciate what he did when he did see time. The running back rushed for 131 yards and one touchdown, and caught a touchdown, as well. Just think what he could have done with two full halves.
  • Antonio Gates (SD, TE) The Chargers worked the Cardinals, with Gates contributing two touchdowns on seven catches for 144 yards. With Sunday’s stats, Gates became just the seventh NFL tight end to have 500 catches.
  • Peyton Manning (IND, QB) Week after week, Manning proves he’s consistently the best in the NFL. This week, he threw for 352 yards and two touchdowns in a heartbreaking loss to Jacksonville.

See also…Kurt Warner. Yeah, he’s pretty good at both ballroom dancing and football.

The Bad: Michael Bolton You’d think that maybe being a musician (albeit a no-talent assclown musician) would give Bolton some semblance of rhythm or musicality, but he was just fucking awful. So were these guys this week.

  • Michael Vick (PHI, QB) Dog tails everywhere wagged enthusiastically when Vick went down with a rib cartilage injury in the second quarter of yesterday’s loss to the Redskins. Although no bones are broken, he’s day-to-day and will probably miss time. Karma’s a bitch, Vick. Sorry, Mayopie.
  • Jay Cutler (CHI, QB) Oooh, this one stung. Cutler threw for just 42 yards, no touchdowns, and an interception before leaving Sunday’s Bears-Giants game with a concussion after being sacked NINE FUCKING TIMES IN ONE HALF.
  • Chris Johnson (TEN, RB) No touchdowns, only 64 total yards and a fumble. He’s really screwing over fantasy owners this season with his sporadic play.

See Also: The Situation Oh, come on. You didn’t think he was going to be good, did you? It doesn’t involve misogynistic musings on the social behaviors of his roommates

The Surprisingly Awesome: Audrina Patridge Look, I get that people want to dismiss her as a vapid reality star with the personality of a bookshelf, but she can really dance. It’s cool to see people who’ve gotten famous for doing nothing actually do something. But, yeah, that last part doesn’t apply to these players. They just had exceptionally great weeks that might turn into great seasons.

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  • Kyle Orton (DEN, QB) FYI, this guy is from Iowa, but went to Purdue, so he can suck it, as far as I care. He is, however, one of the best surprises for fantasy owners this season. Orton threw for over three hundred yards this week against the Titans, with two touchdowns. He’s leading the NFL in passing yards this season, throwing 1,419 over four games.
  • Shaun Hill (DET, QB) Yeah, right? Hill threw for two touchdowns and 331 yards as Detroit nearly upset Green Bay, 26-28. He also threw for two interceptions, and who knows how long he’ll be starting, but he could put up good numbers against Saint Louis next week if you need someone for a bye week pickup.
  • New York Giants Defense The Giants D put the hurt on the Bears, especially Jay Cutler, he of the aforementioned NINE FUCKING SACKS IN ONE HALF, and also had two interceptions and one fumble recovery.

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The White Russians were 1-1 this weekend, bringing my season records to 3-1 and 3-1. Not bad.

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Fantasy Pick-ups: Guys that will undoubtedly not live up to my expectations

By | October 1, 2010 | Fantasy Sports, Football | 2 Comments

Ok, so last week I didn’t do too badly. In fact, I did pretty well. Let’s take a walk down memory lane.

First, GO FALCONS! Told you so, Sarah! In your face!  (I say that in the most loving way possible.)

Last week I told you to pick up Jacoby Jones, and he did okay with 51 reception yards.  While not fantastic, it’s better than what Wes Welker and a ton of other big names did on Sunday. Also, Andre Johnson is dinged up and as I said before, Walter is inconsistent and perpetually hurt. Jones will become a bigger factor in the offense moving forward. Meanwhile, he had enough points for me to say, ha.

Mike Tolbert collected 90 yards from scrimmage in Sunday’s loss to the Chiefs, but he lost a fumble and we don’t like that at all.  Mathews is expected to play, but like I said last week, ankle sprains are Carrot Top funny. For those of you wondering what that means, I’m not entirely sure, but if I had to guess I’d say it’s because they’re swollen and they make you wince in pain when they act up. Anyway, after two solid weeks and the unproven Mathews still being unproven, Tolbert is worth hanging on to until it becomes apparent that Mathews can carry the load himself.

Jason Snelling does nothing but grind out 9-12 yards every time he touches the ball. I am a Michael Turner owner and a Falcons fan, but holy crap, Snelling is a monster and needs more touches. He will get them and if Turner goes down, expect multiple touchdown games every week.  If you’re a Turner owner, you have to own Snelling.

Michael Vick has seemingly become the quarterback we all thought we would see.  He has patience, he has maturity, and he scored 38 points for me the other day.  What that means is, I can watch him succeed without punching walls. The thing is, I’m not sure if a person can change getting enjoyment out of torturing any living thing.  Is it something you can fix? I don’t know. Despite my objections, I never had a say regarding his player status. All I know is, he’s here,  he’s a part of the game now, and to me, no more important than those dogs were to him.  In fact, I would totally be down for a Thunderdome battle between him and De Angelo Hall. In all seriousness, if he does feel genuine sorrow for what he did rather than feel regret for being knocked off his pedestal while  in his prime, than I can forgive him.

Brandon Lloyd went off on Sunday and Thomas didn’t do badly, but he is clearly being factored into the Denver offense in a big way. Here’s the problem: Denver is starting to look like the Saints. “Oh my God! Did he just compare Kyle Orton to Drew Brees?!” No. Well, sort of.  Jabaar Gaffney, Brandon Lloyd and Demariyus Thomas might be the best young receiving corps in the league and Orton is spreading the ball around enough to drive fantasy owners crazy. Through 3 games, it’s been a different receiver every week and the running game is starting to click with Moreno, Buckhalter and now Maroney, who looked fantastic on Sunday. Denver has a ton of weapons and is a serious contender.

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Ok, so now we know that I gave you good advice last week. It’s as much of a surprise to me as it is to you. So, here are my newbies for you.

Bruce Gradkowski – Oakland QB

He’s no Jason Campbell, and thank God for that. Gradkowski is making the throws and between McFadden, Heyward-Bey, Murphy and Miller, Gradkowski is getting it done. He’s a gritty quarterback with above average skills and a big old heart. If you need a qb, he should consistently produce a minimum of 200 yards and 2 tds per week.

Peyton Hillis – Cleveland RB

Substituting for Harrison, Peyton hillis brought the pain on Sunday racking up 144 yards and a td against BALTIMORE.  Hillis is about as nimble as a freighter and moves through defenses like one. Jerome Harrison will likely return this week, but Hillis seems to have cemented a share of the carries and unfortunately for Harrison owners, the goal line carries. Ouch.

Brandon Lloyd – WR Denver Broncos

Brandon Lloyd finally lived up to expectations with 169 yards and a td on Sunday against the Colts. Lloyd is a talented receiver and has the tools to be elite. Orton seems to love him and the run game is opening up opportunites. Lloyd could be in for a big year. The downside is, Eddie Royal, Jabar Gaffney and Demariyus Thomas. Orton will likely spread the ball around, but Lloyd has been emerging as the most consistent among all Denver receivers.

Dexter McCluster – KC Chiefs WR/RB

Einstein believed humans could never achieve a greater speed than the speed of light, but he never saw Dexter McCluster run.  With 3 catches for 69 yards and a td on Sunday, in addition to already returning a punt for a td (while sick) McCluster is a weapon that any team would want to have in its arsenal. I expect McCluster to be used much like a Reggie Bush for now, not netting a lot of touches but doing more with those touches than anyone can. This guy is going to be a superstar in this league.

Kenneth Darby – RB St Louis Rams

Steven Jackson says he’s not too hurt, but I don’t buy it.  Jackson is one carry away from going down for a handful of games, maybe more. Why am I saying that? Just a gut feeling.  Jackson isn’t getting any younger and has been singlehandedly carrying the Rams offense since 1914.  At some point, something’s gotta give, and I’m betting it’s his body.

Aaron Hernandez – TE Patriots

Good tight ends are hard to come by, and Hernandez might emerge as a must start. Brady loves to spread the ball around and loves a big tight end (insert joke here). Hernandez had 5 catches for 69 yards and a 13 yd rush on Sunday, making him an intriguing option.  Each player in Brady’s backfield is 72 and outside of a few games, the Patriots are a throwing team.  Expect Hernandez to start scoring soon.

That’s it, people.  All in all, every player I told you about last week (with the exception of Thomas, who had a minor injury during the game) scored a minimum of 5 points. While that’s not going to win you any championships, shut up. I’m doing my best, okay? Whatever.

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Tuesday Morning Fantasy Football Quarterback: Week Three

By | September 28, 2010 | Fantasy Sports, Football, NFL, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

I had to work Sunday afternoon, which means I’m relying on my teams’ performances, the internet, and my husband’s obsessive tendencies to point me in the right direction for this week’s TMQB. You can also check out Goon Squad Sarah’s NFL Week Two Recap. In local news, the Rams won, which, like, never happens, and St Louis has been so bored for so long it was like it didn’t even happen. ANYWAY:

Keepin’ On…

  • Michael Vick (PHI, QB) At least three people have expressed glee to me at their acquisition of Vick, and that was before Sunday’s victory over the Jags. Vick threw three touchdowns and rushed for another, and is maturing as a quarterback in Philadelphia. Should be interesting to see him against Donovan McNabb and the Redskins next week in McNabb’s return to Philly. I’ve got Maclin, so Vick can keep throwing to him all season long for all I care. Just keep your mitts off my dogs, man.
  • Drew Brees (NO, QB) Despite two picks, Brees still threw for 365 yards and two touchdowns in the Saints loss to the Falcons. I’m totally fine

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  • Anquan Boldin (BAL, WR) Boldin caught eight passes for 142 yards and reeled in three touchdowns in a win over the Browns. Ravens fans have got to be thinking postseason already, but fantasy owners are glad they had the foresight to predict how well Boldin would fit in in Baltimore.

Dream Killers…

  • Matt Schaub (HOU, QB) In his defense, he did get sacked four times, but three were his fault. He also threw two interceptions and only one touchdown. To be frank, he sucks right now, and Houston won’t win unless he doesn’t.
  • Reggie Wayne (IND, WR) Wayne got owned by Champ Bailey, who kept him to four catches for 65 yards, but he could easily rebound next week against Jacksonville.

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  • Miles Austin (DAL, WR) Awww. The guy probably was just sad about getting dumped by Kim Kardashian. He only caught two passes for twenty yards. Might as well not have even played.

Oh, Hey There…

  • Austin Collie (IND, WR) Dude. Is. Beast. After catching two touchdowns in Sunday’s win over the Broncos, Collie leads the league in receiving yards for the season. Totally a testament to the depth of the Colts, he’s making lucky fantasy owners verrrry happy.
  • Lance Moore (NO, WR) Had a verrrrrry nice 72-yard punt return, as well as two touchdowns and six catches for 149 yards in the Saints loss to the Falcons. I’d start him next week if you have him.
  • Chad Henne (MIA, QB) Henne had a career day, throwing for 363 yards and two touchdowns with one interception in Miami’s loss to the Jets. I wouldn’t pick him up just yet, though, unless this becomes a trend.

Me? I won both of my games, bringing my season to 3-0 and 2-1. Slow clap, folks.

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Pick ‘em Up Before They Do: Michael Vick Named Starter

By | September 22, 2010 | Fantasy Sports, Football | 1 Comment

I love it. But I hate it more than I love it, and I love it a lot. You see, I have a problem. Every year, I tell myself I’m not going to get wrapped up in fantasy football and every year I’m drooling on my stat tracker, punching the air and yelling at random passers by.

Fantasy football has cost me friendships, and it’s not just because I am mean as a snake on a post board. Actually, that’s the biggest reason. I mean, what started as good natured ribbing eventually graduated into an old buddy of mine telling me that he overheard my mom telling his mom that I saw my dad blow a guy, which I’m POSITIVE I would have remembered.  I, in turn, told a story about an odd mano y mano experience he had in an adult theater on his 18th birthday… bla to the bla…  we haven’t spoken since.  My point is, fantasy football brings out the best in me and I was going to do my best to avoid it.  And then it came…

The main league I’d been in was starting again, but without my gay friend (not that there’s anything wrong with that). He’s been gone for a few years now. (I had him banished. It was awesome. ) Anyway, my other buddy (aka “The Commish”) is also an uncaring asshole, and due to yet another policy change that didn’t favor me, I yelled at him and quit, probably more in an act of self-sabotage. I knew I couldn’t take another year of this.  It was then I would vow that I was done with fantasy football. What Tony Romo did on Sunday would never again affect my mood.

A day before the season began, I started to twitch uncontrollably. Every time I flipped on ESPN all I could think was, “That guy should be playing for MayoPie,” or “you suck, Tony Romo” and so forth.  I was beginning to froth at the mouth, I was going to start a league, I tried to join the Draft Day Suit league at the last minute… it was pathetic. I was ready to blow someone, basically, if only I could get my fix, thereby lending credibility to my former friend’s theory about Pops.

Where I ended up is in a 12 team match up league on Foxsports.com, and it’s working well for me for 2 reasons:

1. I don’t feel comfortable enough with any of these strangers to do an in depth and public analysis of their mothers’ rectums. My gay friend (nttawwt) had an entire series of investigative reports of his mother’s anus direct from Geraldo Rivera, a team of native tribesmen (it’s important to employ some local knowledge) and a tracker. It was a good time and 9 out of 10 guys LOVED it.

If you haven’t noticed, I can be a little snarky, so when you throw in some football and some competition amongst friends who had been verbally defiling each other’s mothers for years, it only gets worse and only leads to well, no one ever talking to me again. So, it’s probably a good thing that I don’t know anyone in my new league.

2. I can get obsessive about picking up and dropping people. I probably do about 150 moves per season, but somehow seem to work my way to the top. After missing the draft last year and Yahoo! drafting me seven kickers and Curtis Martin, I had to build my entire team (outside of Aaron Rodgers) from scratch. I made it to the championship where I was beaten by an asshole (all you have to do to be an “asshole” is beat me, fyi).

Anyway, my new league only processes claims once a week and everything is done by waiver priority. What I would normally do is pick up someone’s replacement as soon as I saw them wince in pain. Now, I have to wait four months or something.  This makes me want to punch everything at least twice, but… it’s a good thing. EXCEPT I CAN’T GET MY HANDS ON ANYONE…. AGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

So, I’ve decided to channel all of this angst into giving you bad information. You see, I can’t pick up people, I can’t make fun of people’s moms… it’s like I’ve committed myself to fantasy rehab and I’m being given a substitute so I don’t throw up every hour.

It must be working, because I was in a tight game Monday night and normally I would have had my computer on my lap answering questions I didn’t hear with “uh huh”, my eyes darting back and forth from the computer to the television, all while yelling at Drew Brees for being awesome. (You see, because it takes me 7 years to pick up someone now, I was stuck with San Fran’s defense against the Saints, and because I played YOUNG OVER VICK I LOST BY 8 INSTEAD OF WINNING BY 20 AGGGHHHH…)

Ordinarily, a loss that was a result of one of my poor choices would wake me up at 2 am punching the air (an effective frustration outlet technique I learned in Brazil), but I didn’t even check my computer until the next morning. I had accepted the loss, and no air had to needlessly suffer that day. I think I’m making progress.

Most of the players I’ve listed below would usually end up on my team for a week before being tossed aside like the green leafy stuff they try to slip on to my hamburgers, but there’s one in here that will likely pay dividends. Last year, my jewels were Miles Austin and Rashard Mendenhall, which helped me get to the championship and be defeated by that asshole I mentioned earlier.

Jacoby Jones – WR Houston Texans

He only got 53 yards out of the 497 that Schaub threw for on Sunday, but one was a td. And though Walter is the clear #2, there are a couple of things you can set your watch to: Big Ben (the clock, not the rap… per) and Kevin Walter’s inconsistency. Jones might continue to deliver as a #3 as he gets more familiar with the offense and Schaub gets more comfortable with him, but it’s coming. Also, if Walter gets hurt, Jones can have a breakout season. (If Walter is available on your league, 11 catches for 144 yards and a td against Washington should entice you to grab him.)

Demariyus Thomas – WR Denver Brocos

Thomas had a nice day on Sunday, snatching 8 passes for 97 yards and a touchdown in his NFL debut. Thomas is a rookie, a monster and ready to fill the void left by Brandon Marshall. He’s big, he’s fast and was drafted two spots ahead of the Cowboys’ Dez Bryant. An off-season injury kept him out of preseason and Thomas flew out of the gates living up to his coach’s expectations, which are apparently pretty high. Thomas could be the pick up of the year and if you’ve got someone on your roster like… Deion Branch … let him go, man. Just let him go.

Mike Tolbert – RB San Diego Chargers

Rookie sensation Ryan Mathews left the game on a cart, and Tolbert picked up 82 yards on 16 carries and scored two td’s. He’s not going to unseat Mathews for the starting gig and Mathews did jog to the bench late in the game, but ankle injuries are funny. Not Will Ferrel funny, more Carrot Top funny. My point is, Mathews is unproven and nothing is more common than a hot prospect that didn’t live up to expectations in his rookie year. In fact, more don’t than do. I’m not saying Mathews won’t be great, I’m saying he’s not great yet and injuries might become an issue. Having his handcuff won’t kill you if you’ve got the space.

Jason Snelling – RB Falcons

Turner left the game with a groin injury and Snelling showed that he can carry both teams on his back. Turner was on his way to a monster game and Snelling finished it with two running scores and a reception td, making me angry BECAUSE I HAVE TURNER. AGHHHHH!!!  As suspected, Porcelain Norwood would break something early, so Snelling was inevitably going to be a larger part of the offense. Now, he’s certainly going to be. He’s not an enigma. He’s a hard, shifty runner and he’s built like a Mack truck, and I’m talking the ones with the sweet little apartment on the back (I’ve always wanted one of those).  Regardless of Turner’s health, look for Snelling to get a larger share and a good bit of work at the goal line. (AAAGHHHH!!!)

Buffalo Bills – Entire team

Trade as many as you can to Buffalo fans or just drop them. I threw for more passing yards than Trent Edwards did on Sunday.

Mike Williams – WR Buccaneers

I grew up in Tampa and was a life-long Bucs fan right up until they won the Super Bowl. I finally had it with them, adopted the Falcons as my new love and then Bam! Bucs win the Super Bowl. What I’m trying to say is that I hate them to my core. That being said, if you must have a Buc on your team, Mike Williams might be an intriguing option. While Freeman isn’t piling up the passing yards, Williams scored for the second straight week and as Freeman becomes more comfortable, Williams might emerge as the team’s top threat, making me hate him.

Mike Vick – QB? Philadelphia Eagles

Mike Vick ripped out my heart and danced on it. I don’t think I can ever forgive him for what he did. Whatever. He’s here now and the fact is, he can make throws that Kolb can’t make. He can run like DeShaun Jackson. He might be the most dynamic football player we’ve ever seen. Kevin Kolb, while solid, is not the most dynamic football player we’ve ever seen. He’s not even the most dynamic football player we’ve seen at Wal-Mart. I know that Kolb is “officially” the starter, but the Philadelphia fans were never more than a bad throw away from running McNabb out of town and Kolb’s now got a shorter leash on him than Hannibal Lecter at a nudist butter bath. I’d say he’s three consecutive bad passes away from the fans chanting “Vick” and Andy Reid being put on a rotisserie with an apple in his mouth. I hate it, but it’s true. The almighty win is all that matters in Philadephia, the NFL and fantasy football.

This Just In: Mike Vick named starter. It’s as if Andy got an opportunity to read this before it was published or at least came to same the conclusion I did about the whole rotisserie thing. So, Vick’s value as a fantasy start has just skyrocketed. If you have no soul, grab him.

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I picked up Mike Vick to put on my bench. I wanted him out of my league. A non-factor. And I certainly wasn’t going to let anyone else beat me with him. NO. WAY. Then Vince Young got pulled out of the game for sucking and netted me -2.2 points. Now Vick might be my only option. I could drop him or trade him, but that leaves the problem of someone else getting him and beating me with him. I couldn’t take that.  So, I’ve decided that Mike Vick either must lead me to a championship to repay me for his evil and breaking my heart, or, his legs snap off. Either way, I”m good.

You might think I’m selling my soul and my argument would be, “Mike Vick scored 29.2 points more than Vince Young did on Sunday. 29.2 points also happens to be the precise value I’ve placed on my soul. Isn’t that a coincidence?” Exactly. I told you I have a problem.

That’s it, people. Just so you know, MayoPie is a mean bastard. So you could come back and be all, “Oh, nice job on Tolbert. 1.5 points. You’re an idiot.”  This, of course, is your right. Just keep in mind I will come at you like a raging flood, call into question your every relationship, moral character and execute a multi-pronged attack aimed at all that you love. Don’t be afraid to tell me about the good ones, though. Good luck.

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