All posts in Fantasy Sports

It’s Saturday, Do You Know Where Randy Moss Is?

By | November 6, 2010 | Fantasy Sports, Football, NFL | Comments Off

And you know what that means, boys and girls?  Where’s Moss-o?  That’s right!  Today is the day I have to figure out which team Randy Moss is on this week and see if they have a bye/if Moss is playing/when his new team is planning on trading him/when that team’s bye week is/if Roy Williams is still sentient enough to play in an NFL game in case something ELSE goes wrong.  That’s a tall order and probably a little too much Randy-time for a lowly fake-team commissioner.

Where's Randy? He's in there. Look! Please? It took me way too long to place him in there. It'd really mean a lot to me. I'll even give you a hint: he's next to Waldo.

Where's Randy? He's in there. Look! Please? It took me way too long to place him in there. It'd really mean a lot to me. I'll even give you a hint: he's next to Waldo.

Randy is like having a crazy girlfriend, except you’re married.  He is the Glenn Close of fantasy football players.  One day he’s scoring touchdowns for you via the Patriots and the next thing you know – rabbit stew!  Normally, I am a very practical guy and I try to avoid all the drama of owning a guy like Randy Moss.  I take the high road and don’t draft guys like that.  But then I realize most leagues demand/suggest you start a receiver or three.

Let’s be honest, as a group, we’re not talking about rocks of stability.  In fact, outside of the Colts’ receivers (who apparently are reigned in by Peyton Manning’s strong pimp hand, although Marvin may have went a little wayward.  It’s always the same story right?  “Nice guy, kept to himself.  Great with the kids in the neighborhood.  Maybe a little overprotective of his carwash, etc.”) and Andre Johnson the average NFL receiver is a little too wild for the Bad Girls Club and if you’ve seen The Soup you know those bitches be crazy!

It seems Randy has landed himself in Tennessee (two n’s, two s’s, four e’s Randy, but not all right next to each other).  I was pushing for Cincinnati this time around, but hey, the season’s young.  What would that show be called?  Probably, “What the Fuck Are the Bengals Doing Now?”

At any rate, dang.  It’s Tennessee’s bye week.  Great.  Looks like Roy’s getting the start.  Or maybe I can pick-up a homeless guy on waivers.  Thanks for nothing, Randy — nothing but headaches and rack of rabbit.

Tuesday Morning Fantasy Football Quarterback: Week Seven

By | October 27, 2010 | Fantasy Sports, Football, NFL | 1 Comment

This week’s fantasy football highlights metaphor comes to us from the world of entertainment, where I spend way too much of my online time.

Robert DeNiro–Damnit, even if the movie is fucking Meet the Fockers or whatever, he’s still entertaining, and his general badassery aside from the Stiller cash cow more than makes up for that franchise. Like Bobby D, these guys keep churning out big performances.

Darren-McFadden-vs-Broncos

  • Darren McFadden (OAK, RB) McFadden completely shredded the Broncos defense, racking up 165 rushing yards and three rushing touchdowns, as well as 31 receiving yards and one receiving touchdown. He did all of this in the first three quarters of the game. Big, big game, and he has the potential to do more when he feels 100% healthy after his hamstring injury.
  • Carson Palmer (CIN, QB) Palmer threw an eye-popping 412 yards and three touchdown passes in a loss to the Falcons. He continues to have big games even when the Bengals lose, which is a lot thanks to their weak defense. Expect him to keep putting up good-to-great numbers.
  • Roddy White (ATL, WR) White scored two touchdowns in Sunday’s win against the Bengals, with 11 catches for 201 yards. He’s quietly putting together one of the best fantasy seasons of any player in the league with performances like these.

Adam Sandler I keep thinking you might make a good movie, and every now and again you do. Punch-Drunk Love, Funny People, hell, even your early comedies like Big Daddy, Billy  Madison, and Happy Gilmore make me laugh. But then you have Zohans. Like this week. Fuck it, I still think the goat is funny.

Jay Cutler vs. Redskins

  • Jay Cutler (CHI, QB) Cutler threw for 281 yards, but only one touchdown and four interceptions in the Bears’ loss to the Redskins. He was sacked four times and Chicago’s offense is truly the football equivalent of The Situation’s Dancing With The Stars career.
  • Ray Rice (BAL, RB) Rice never found the endzone and had a mere 72 rushing yards in a win over the Bills, whose defense is normally terrible. Talk about let down.
  • Chris Johnson (TEN, RB) No touchdowns and only 73 total yards of offense in the Titans’ win over the Eagles. Brutal for those owners who rely on Johnson for solid points every week.

Mickey Rourke–It’s not always Barfly or Angel Heart with these guys. Sometimes, it’s Enrique’s “Hero” video, but we wanted to believe these players had a Wrestler in them somewhere, and this week, they delivered. But don’t get too comfortable just yet; it’s a short path to meth use and boxing in Midwestern casinos.

Kenny-Britt

  • Kenny Britt (TEN, WR) I guess *allegedly* taking part in a “nightclub brawl” Friday night fueled Britt’s fire. He had a career-high game against Philadelphia, catching seven passes for 225 yards and three touchdowns, and he didn’t even play in the first quarter because of said brawl. Suspension for Britt’s off-field activities has not been ruled out, though, so keep an eye on his status.
  • Ryan Fitzpatrick (BUF, QB) Forget his two interceptions. Fitzpatrick threw a career-high four touchdown passes and 347 yards in Buffalo’s (nonetheless) loss to the Ravens. Couple that with three touchdown passes in the Bills’ last game against the Jaguars, and Fitzpatrick is probably worth a pickup, at least as a decent backup option.
  • Lee Evans (BUF, WR) Since Fitzpatrick took over quarterbacking duties, Evans has been awesome, pulling down three touchdowns against the Ravens in six catches for 105 yards. These two guys have created some exciting hookups and should continue to be fun to watch.

The White Russians went 1-1 this weekend, including a heartbreaking loss to my husband. I’m now 3-4 and 6-1 for the season.

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I Fail Fantasy Football

By | October 23, 2010 | Fantasy Sports, Football, NFL | 1 Comment

I’ve said it before. Football is not my sport — or at least it never was until I started paying closer attention about two years ago, and these days you’re likely to find me in front of a tv with a game on most Sundays.

It’s a steep learning curve, though, for this basketball and hockey girl. I’m still getting the relatively large number of teams, players and positions straight in my head, and I’m just now to the point where I can intuitively identify what I just saw on the field to the point where I can call bullshit on a bad play — my barometer for true understanding, what can I say?  Still, given my interest in games and competition in general, you’d think I’d be all about the fantasy leagues I sign up for because my friends tell me to. I’m interested in rankings of just about anything. I’ve been around NFL betting in one way or another all of my life — family and friends with more than just a passing interest in overs and unders, whose mood depended in some way or another on how the games went that weekend. And who doesn’t love an office pool? Fill in the squares, have a basic understanding of points and quarters, and pretend to understand minimal trash talk. Experience instant belongingness and possible cash money — what’t not to love?

kevin-kolb

Kevin Kolb is holding it down for the Eagles in Michael Vick's injured absence. I guess I should see if he's on my team.

But fantasy seems complicated to me, a subculture that requires time and attention that I don’t think I have, although I try to conjure it up. Leagues require at least some of focus, a focus that for some reason I lack. I can barely remember to check in on my one piddly league — a basic, auto-draft, “who won and lost” deal. Watching my friends manage full-blown leagues — moving around players based on injuries and past performance, managing full teams and ranking specific positions — makes my head hurt.

And this isn’t just for football. Last year I tried a hockey fantasy league, with astoundingly bad results. I am as keyed into hockey as I can be to a sport. I follow the NHL closely, just apparently not on paper, or a digital pool. Keeping track of 82 games involving approximately one billion players on eleventy teams was too much for me.

But I’m still in this football league, and you’d think I could hang in there for 16 games. Even with all of those players and positions, I can manage this. Maybe I’ll even start reading the fantasy update e-mails from Bleacher Report and ESPN that I’ve been guiltily ignoring.

Who am I kidding? I need to aim low, which is to say that maybe I’ll actually log in and see how I’m doing, so I can see what my competition is complaining or gloating about, depending on the week. Or maybe, knowing me, I’ll just grab another beer and watch the game. Is that so wrong?

Tuesday Morning Fantasy Football Quarterback: Week Six

By | October 19, 2010 | Fantasy Sports, Football, NFL | Comments Off

You know what happened in the NFL this week? The Rams won their third of the season after winning just three games in the two prior seasons combined. And in St Louis, it was a damn near riot in the streets. Because when you’re .500 six games into the season, you cut loose in the Gateway City. It ain’t no “Greatest Show on Turf”, but everyone needs to believe in something.

This Week’s Heroes

Kevin-Kolb-eagles

  • Kevin Kolb (PHI, QB) Michael who? Kolb was 23 of 29 for 326 yards and three touchdowns as the Eagles beat the Falcons.  He’ll probably play again Sunday against the Titans, and the healing Vick might have to earn his spot back if Kolb has another game like this.
  • Ben Roethlisberger (PIT, QB) As much as I hate giving this dude any attention after his “misconduct” he did have a hell of a return game, throwing for 249 yards and three touchdowns as the Steelers beat the Browns. I can’t wait until he gets booed on the road.
  • Arian Foster (HOU, RB) Foster’s total yardage wasn’t spectacular (just under 100 total yards), but he did pull down two touchdowns as Houston beat Kansas City. He’s averaging 105 yards and a touchdown per game.

This Week’s Zeros

Chargers-Rams-2010

  • Pretty much the entire San Diego offense The Chargers lost to the aforementioned Rams, an upset of note even outside of St Louis. Philip Rivers threw for 249 yards, but only one touchdown and an interception and was sacked seven times. Antonio Gates and Malcolm Floyd both left the game with injuries. Christ, even the kicker, Nate Kaeding slipped and injured his groin in a field goal attempt blocked by the Rams.
  • Michael Turner (ATL, RB) Sunday’s loss to the Eagles was the third game in a row  in which Turner hasn’t scored, and he’s only scored one touchdown all season. If you don’t drop him, you should at least move him to your bench.
  • Brett Favre (MIN, QB) Oh, Brett. This is why you can’t have penis-photo sexting scams during the season: you throw for just one touchdown and 118 yards. I don’t really have a lot to say; we all know he’s a douche. I just wanted to remind you. And reference Favre’s wiener.

This Week’s Surprises

Chiefs-Texans-Dwayne-Bowe

  • Dwayne Bowe (KC, WR) Bowe caught six passes for 108 yards and two touchdowns in his best game of the season in a Chiefs loss to Houston. After a mediocre start to the season, his performance was a welcome one for fantasy owners.
  • Denario Alexander (STL, WR) Alexander was called up from the Rams’ practice squad just last week, and in his NFL debut had four catches for 74 yards and one touchdown.  Take a chance on this dude if he’s available in your league; he should be fun to watch at home games since he’s a Mizzou alum.
  • Jeremy Maclin (PHI, WR) Speaking of former Tigers, Maclin had a career-high 159 receiving yards with two touchdowns, one for 83 yards, after DeSean Jackson got knocked the fuck out with a concussion. Jackson will miss next week’s game against the Titans, so keep Maclin active.

The White Russians were 1-1 this week, bringing my season records to 5-1 and 3-3, which as you know, in St Louis, is grounds for celebration.

Tuesday Morning Fantasy Football Quarterback: Week Five

By | October 12, 2010 | Fantasy Sports, Football | Comments Off

It’s just about Tuesday as I write this, so I’ll keep it brief. Mama needs a sandwich and some sleep. Stupid lightning.

Every Week

Baltimore Raven's Ray Rice Vs. Denver Broncos

  • Ray Rice (BAL, RB) Rice had a breakout game Sunday as the Ravens beat the Broncos, scoring two touchdowns and rushing for 133 yards.  He carried the ball 27 times as the Ravens ran on 29 of 37 plays in the second half alone.
  • Tony Romo (DAL, QB) Romo threw for 406 yards, a career high, and three touchdowns, although he threw three interceptions, as well, in Dallas’s loss to Tennessee on Sunday.
  • Philip Rivers (SD, QB) Rivers threw a mighty 431 yards and two touchdowns and is simply kicking ass this season. He leads the NFL in passing yards and is tied with Peyton Manning for touchdowns thrown (11) this season. Fear him.

Bad Week

Peyton-Manning-Gets-Clock-Cleaned-by-Chiefs

  • Peyton Manning (IND, QB) While he threw for 244 yards in the Colts’ win over the Chiefs, he threw an interception and scored no touchdowns, so his performance was a huge letdown for fantasy owners who’ve come to rely on big points from Manning week after week. Luckily for me, I also played against Manning this week, so in the grand scheme of things, his performance hurt me less than it could have.
  • DeSean Jackson (PHI, WR) The Eagles squeaked by the 49ers, no thanks to Jackson, who only caught two passes for 24 yards before removing himself from the game with a knee injury in the second half. If he’s a starter, plan on having a decent backup for next week’s game against the Falcons.
  • Arian Foster (HOU, RB) A paltry 25 rushing yards on eleven carries was a slight disappointment to fantasy owners, as the Texans lost to the Giants, 34-10. Foster was almost completely shut down, and suffered a slight knee injury, although he should still play next week.

Big Week

Shaun-Hill-Detroit-Lions


  • Shaun Hill (DET, QB) I bet Hill and the Lions were glad that the Rams of the past few seasons showed up to play on Sunday. The Lions picked up a win behind three passing touchdowns from Hill and 266 passing yards
  • Matt Forte (CHI, RB) Dude singlehandedly covered Peyton’s ass for me, and I was glad to have him on both of my fake teams this week. Forte rushed for 166 yards, by far a career record, and two touchdowns, one a monster 68-yarder, in the Bears’ win against the Panthers. Thank you, Mike Martz.
  • Oakland DEF The Raiders D seemingly did it all this weekend in a win over the Chargers: three sacks, a safety, three fumble recoveries, two touchdowns, and two blocked kicks. That’s making shit happen.

The White Russians went 1-1 this week, bringing my season records to 4-1 and 3-2 on the season. I would also like to point out that I hung on for a highly-anticipated win against my friend, rock journalist/attorney Mike Dauphin and the Mike-ami Dauphins.

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