Normally, Bryan wouldn’t be up at this hour, especially to watch one of the ugliest football games ever played. You see, Bryan is a creature of habit and Monday nights are for one half of football, immediately followed by his fading into dreamland with a mouthful of half-chewed peanut m&m’s.

Unless, of course, the Buddhist Punks (Bryan’s fantasy football team) are in a tight game game against the number one team in the league.

A couple of weeks ago on FOX, they did a little skit poking fun at fantasy footballers, and I understand it was in jest and making fun of people who take fantasy football overboard. However, I do sense a general disdain for fantasy football and the players’ and coaches’ perceived insignificance of it. It’s also not the first instance where I’ve seen an… annoyance, let’s say, from players when questioned by fans about their fantasy production.

In the skit, the most annoying man in the world would walk up to Marshawn Lynch and ask Lynch to curtail his production for the upcoming game. Lynch would then dump a bowl of popcorn on the man’s head and text would appear with a booming voice-over, “Marshawn Lynch doesn’t care about your fantasy football team.” Then Lynch flashes a smile to the camera and says,

“And no one else does, either.”

Again, I do understand it was all in good fun, even though it was poorly acted, awfully written, not funny, a waste of valuable seconds I could have been spending staring into space, counting my breaths, etc.  I also believe that this is how many of the players feel about fantasy football players and I do see why.

When at one time football was all about winning and losing, an individual performance expectation now exists regardless of a team’s winning or losing. I understand how it might annoy them, but I also understand that when the Jags battle the Ravens on a Monday night, and the Buddhist Punks aren’t on the verge of losing, Bryan is unconscious, drooling a chunky rainbow and dreaming of eating his way through chocolate city rather than letting Blaine Gabbert cause him an ounce of concern.

Before I started playing fantasy football, I would watch my home team and usually the Monday night game. Now I will watch any game I have a stake in, and 100% of those games I wouldn’t have watched had I not had a vested interest. The fact is that unless Marshawn is playing the Falcons, I would never pay attention to what he was doing and might never see him play at all.

“Mayo Pie doesn’t care about Marshawn Lynch (Unless he is playing against him in fantasy football).”

This isn’t a shot at Marshawn Lynch or the Seahawks.  It’s just a fact and I can speak for everyone of my non-Seattle resident friends when I say that. I can also recount countless instances where someone began playing fantasy football who never watched football and started to watch because of it. I haven’t looked up the actual statistics because that’s so… work-like, but I’ll wager at least seven more women watch football now than did before. Perhaps as many as twelve.

Conversely, after 29 waiver wire transactions and a string of tough losses, the 1-7 Brewmasters have just guaranteed that Todd will be watching something else this Sunday. Of course, he’ll watch the Bucs and perhaps a great match-up, but I can assure you that Todd will not be watching Carson Palmer battle Tim Tebow for the title of Incompletion Champion of the Universe this weekend.

The fact is that, by and large, this is the football fan. Very few are glued to the set for every game, but I’ll bet more are now than ever before. I do recall a lockout recently taking place and while I don’t have a good idea of exactly how much money fantasy football generates for the NFL, I’d say it’s well into the thousands. Maybe tens. Again, this is a conservative estimate.

It seems to me that at a time when there’s not enough money going around, players would make a greater effort to promote playing it, and less of an effort making fun of us for playing it. Because if we didn’t play it, there would be a lot less money to go around for all of them. Clearly, it’s a big concern of theirs.

So while you don’t care about my fantasy football team, maybe you should.

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The repercussions to Eli are far-reaching, starting with his instant removal from my team. From there, the domino effect could seep into every aspect of his life. But I can’t think about that. I have a job to do. Matt Hasselbeck, Kyle Orton or maybe even Jason Campbell will now be backing up Ryan Fitzpatrick. Congratulations, boys. Try-outs are at seven. Bring your swords. There can be only one.

I’m sure when Eli hears the news he’ll be crushed, but I’m now taking off the Manning-colored glasses and accepting Eli for what he is. The good news is that the Hasselbeck, Campbell and Orton families will be celebrating today. They’re nice people. That should make you happy.

Controlling the helm of my football team doesn’t pay as much, but the glory is far greater. It’s also not as forgiving, because when you seemingly can’t hit any receiver in almost any situation, stand there as the pocket crumbles while repeating your progressions seven times until a slow wave descends on you like the blob, make every receiver perform some kind of circus catch in order for you to make forward progress, and lastly, score 10 points fewer than Ryan Fitzpatrick, then you have just lost your job, buddy.

Here’s what else I don’t understand. Eli is still talked about as if he just entered the league. The battle on Monday night was described as “two young quarterbacks, both expected to get better.” That’s certainly how I saw it. One hasn’t played an entire season, the other has been in the league since 2004 and has a Super Bowl under his belt (for which he has a circus catch to thank).

On Monday Night, the first touchdown pass to Nicks from the 1 yard line was thrown directly at the defender. Nicks had to adjust, contort his body, reach back awkwardly and snag a ball that was described by Ron Jaworski as “a great pass.” What? I guess. If the objective was to make the defender pee blood for a week.

The second to Hixon was a jump ball (like many of Eli’s greatest passes), which was bobbled several times in the air and cradled by one hand just before hitting the ground. Eli did throw one perfect pass to a wide open Mario Manningham streaking down the sidelines, but Manningham bobbled it anyway and made it look super fancy before making the catch and injuring himself. I think the Giants wide receivers are so used to doing acrobatics that a Pavlovian response is triggered when they see a ball coming their way. “Here it comes! Leap! Twist! Swing wildly at double coverage! Close Eyes! Pray!”

Last year, Eli had over 4,000 yards, 31 touchdowns and 25 interceptions. Why? Because he throws the ball with reckless abandon and his receivers make monstrous plays. If I had a nickel for every time I saw a NY Giants receiver do something that defied gravity, I would have $4.30. While that doesn’t sound like a lot of money, that’s 86 times. (I probably should have negotiated for more. Dammit.)

And I find it funny that Eli is still given rookie status and slack despite his veteran experience. I’ll have to look this up, but I’m not going to, isn’t he high on the list of most consecutive starts? Ughhh… I’ll look it up. I can’t wait for you people. I have to know. Be right back. Go grab a smoke or something.

Okay, I’m back. #6 All-time in consecutive starts! Come on! Why are we still expecting Eli to get better? Because his older brother is awesome? I had an awesome friend who could build anything. His dad was a great architect. His younger brother liked to lick batteries and burn off his arm hair. Do you see what I’m trying to say here?

I’m not saying that Eli is a battery licker, but I am saying that he is a veteran quarterback and at this stage of his career can not be lumped in with the new batch of quarterbacks like Sam Bradford, Matthew Stafford, Matt Ryan, Cam Newton and others who came out of the gate kicking ass, taking names and are just getting started. Eli was drafted in the same year as Roethlisberger and Rivers, two elite quarterbacks now considered cagey veterans in this league. No one is saying of these two men, “They are going to be good one day when they learn more stuff.”

I’m just wondering if it’s time to become a realist about our expectations regarding Eli. He has started 111 consecutive games, been in multiple playoff situations (including the biggest stage on the planet), and still makes poor decision after poor decision. All while the commentators make excuse after excuse for his poor play, either citing his youth or inexperience. Why? I have an idea.

I propose we change his last name to Shuman. Eli Shuman. Not that he isn’t deserving of the Manning name, just that we can’t see past it to objectively rate his performance.  We’re all looking at Eli through Manning-colored glasses, and I’m sure he’d prefer that not be the case. I’m sure he’d rather not be constantly compared to his older brother, nor have to live up to those expectations.

Many of us get that Eli will never be Peyton (including Eli), but we seem to forget how long it is that Eli has actually played and can’t help but compare it to how long his brother has played. Maybe that’s why we still see him as relatively new quarterback in this league, but in his eighth season, Peyton Manning was arguably the best quarterback then and regarded as maybe the best ever. It’s time to get realistic about Eli and begin to taper our own expectations.

I haven’t, I should say, until this year, when I decided to make up for years of blissful ignorance and throw myself headlong into not just one (or even one variety of) fantasy football experience, but four.

I have always been an all-or-nothing sort of person, and it turns out that after listening to my fantasy freak friend go on about her very favorite hobby for three seasons, the curiosity was too much to take.

(And so was the peace of mind, apparently.)

I started to get nervy about it in my mind. “Hey, I could figure this out,” my nervy mind thought. “I have been to one whole NFL preseason game, and I’ve watched several on tv.”

I was not interested in leaving this thing unconquered.

So I did what any good combination slacker/overachiever would do: I printed out a lot of lists of statistics and names and teams and positions. I made lists of guys I wanted to snag for my teams, learned some new terms, and had some heated GCchat time with a fellow new person to the league just before the draft, wherein we took turns saying, and I paraphrase, “OH MY GOD I DON’T KNOW WHAT IN THE HELL I’M DOING! What does this MEAN? I am not drunk enough for this!”

(That last line isn’t paraphrased at all. I remember that one pretty well.”)

But I was still feeling pretty good. I felt that I knew some solid choices that I wanted to make, and I felt reasonably sure that even a person of my feeble football knowledge could read CHARTS, for God sakes. I’m an EDUCATOR. I own MANY HIGHLIGHTERS.

So I settled in, engaging in ridiculous, hilarious banter with the other people in my league, kind of learning to navigate mastering the website, and even feeling a little bit satisfied. I got a decent running back or two. I picked a solid quarterback.

And then I hit the wrong button and picked a kicker — Neil Rackers of the Houston Texans — accidentally. I learned that this was an error based on the string of giggles coming from the draft chat, and the request of a few people that I return next year because it’s not like I was going to pose any kind of threat.

And then I learned a few days later that my first-string QB, Peyton Manning, was almost immediately put on the injured list for a series of neck surgeries. AND I picked a running back — Arian Foster — who has the hamstrings of my grandma, may she rest in peace, so HE was off of my list for the first week.

And it was an ugly week.

But I will say to the haters that my new friend Neil Rackers, playing a Peyton-less, shell-shocked Indianapolis, and my not-too-shabby backup QB Joe Flacco (Go Ravens!) helped me be in last place by only three points. This is saying something given the lackluster performance of the rest of my team. There really isn’t any guarantee that this week will go any better, but thanks are due to my head-to-head opponent and supposed friend, who not only beat me by many, many points, but rechristened my team NiceRackers.

And I have to admit that this has been a lot of fun so far. Foster is supposedly back tomorrow, so we’ll see if my Texans tag team can get me out of the basement. It’s really too bad I don’t own a Rackers jersey yet, but forget about any other deities — around here these days, it’s WWNRD.

Really. What Would Neil Rackers Do?

Any NFL fan knows that there are far-reaching consequences for Peyton Manning and the Colts if he is truly out for the season. (We’ve already mentioned the problems of this for you Fantasy Football league members.) But of course, there was no confirmation of this over the next couple of days.

Then, this morning there were the Tweets and podcast from Jake Query that a 3rd procedure had already taken place on Sunday or Monday of this week. Peter King of Sports Illustrated Tweeted this evening that there was no 3rd procedure.

Now who the hell are we going to believe? On local LA radio I heard this evening that the 3rd procedure that everyone is talking about was on his lower back, not the neck that is giving Manning the problems. (Which would follow, considering Manning’s complaints after being activated last week.) ESPN is reporting, on endless f’ing loop, that he will be out for the opener, and likely for the first month of the season. If you listen to Bill Polian, Colts Vice Chairman (well, no one listens to him anyway, regardless of what he says) Manning has been listed as injured before and still played on Sunday, but that is the only thing that I can confirm will NOT happen this time.

Maybe we should listen to Peyton?

I simply am not healthy enough to play, and I am doing everything I can to get my health back. The team will do fine without me, and I know for sure that I will miss them much more than they will miss me.

What Colts fans all across the country seem to be grasping for is real honest reporting on this story — the whole story, not the damn sound bites that the Colts front office is so happy to give us.

Manning has started every game for the Colts, including all playoff games, since he was drafted in 1998. Kerry Collins, former QB for the Carolina Panthers, New York Giants, and the Tennessee Titans, will take the offensive reins on Sunday.

Say it ain’t so, Peyton. Say it ain’t so.

Kendra is weeping at the thought of losing her fellow Vol to an injury. This is not the way to go out, dude.

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I should probably also mention that there was an actual football game on with some real implications, first and foremost being Philadelphia’s playoff standing. They’re now the 3rd seed and that’s a done deal, so let’s talk about Joe Webb, Mike Vick then we’ll do a happy ending on Brett Favre’s penis.

Joe Webb is the only thing this offense ever needed, which is a fairly mobile quarterback who could get out of trouble and make the occasional important throw. Other than that, dish the ball to some freakish stars like Harvin, Peterson and Rice and watch the magic happen. There’s no mystery here and this is exactly what Childress envisioned when he got all starry eyed about Tarvaris Jackson. As it turns out, Webb is faster than Jackson, more accurate and has a better pocket awareness. All this from a guy who had played a few snaps before last night.

What I saw in the Vikes was a playoff team that no one would want to meet, and had the trigger been pulled sooner, the Minnesota Vikings might now be a scary prospect. What I also saw last night is that Mike Vick isn’t going to last long in the NFL. Teams are learning that when it comes to Vick, you pick your poison and the better poison seems to be, “Send the house every time and take your chances.”

We’ve now seen two teams in consecutive weeks contain Mike Vick for seven of eight quarters, and they’ve done it by blitzing like crazy. Forget the hits he takes while he’s running, last night it was about the hits he was taking in the pocket. More interestingly, no one on Philadelphia seemed to care.

Mike Vick is the most dangerous man in the NFL, as such, it stands to reason that his NFL lifespan won’t be that of a Manning, Brady, or any pure pocket passer. In fact, Michael Vick might be the only quarterback, is the only quarterback, who has to deal with being blitzed on almost every single play. And if you haven’t noticed, he’s not 6’5″, 250 lbs, nor is he 25 years old. If we continue to see what we saw last night, Vick will not last long in the NFL.

Now to Brett’s penis.  It was probably pretty upset when it watched a rookie managing the Vikings offense better than Favre had managed it all year, knowing that another penis was now going to be getting all of the attention. Probably a much larger penis, and believe me, no penis likes being replaced by a younger, larger penis. As far as being a penis, it’s pretty much the worst thing that can happen to you, aside from being removed and thrown from a car window.

Brett’s penis knows that things aren’t going to be as easy from here on out, and he’s coming to the realization that his host body is going to have to work a little harder to find him a new playground. He might now be reduced to looking for love in all the wrong places, relying on ladies of the night and being forced to wear that damn latex suit he hates so much, because it’s just the policy for those kind of places.  After all, it’s tough when you all of the sudden become a poster boy for creepy, and that’s what he has become: another cheap, naked penis floating around on the internet tubes.

Brett’s penis fondly recalls the days when the mere image of himself would drive the cheerleaders wild, luring them in gaggles to his hotel room door, but he now finds himself contemplating his own mortality… strung out on little blue pills, internet porn and Swedish massagers with promises of “three more inches.” Three more inches. If only it were that simple. I think it says it all about life, don’t you?

The NFL will be announcing Brett Favre’s punishment in the next 48 hours and I, for one, am dripping with anticipation on the mighty NFL’s eleventh hour, meaningless gesture designed to do no actual damage, but perhaps limit further liability or litigation. Brett might lose a whole paycheck. He might get suspended for a game he would have watched from the sidelines, and maybe a couple more he wouldn’t have played, anyway. He might get an ugly fine and now that he will never play again, a stern condemnation from the NFL. Too little, too late, in my opinion. The NFL has lost its ability to punish Brett Favre, but it will be an entertaining show.

Brett Favre’s real punishment was brought on by Brett Favre.  His storied career has gone down in flames, his legacy tarnished forever, and because of  his actions, what we will remember most about Brett is that he stayed one year too long, is a creepily persistent stalker, and his wiener seems kind of small for how big a man he is.

If you think about it, that’s a pretty crappy tombstone.

Where's Randy? He's in there. Look! Please? It took me way too long to place him in there. It'd really mean a lot to me. I'll even give you a hint: he's next to Waldo.

Randy is like having a crazy girlfriend, except you’re married.  He is the Glenn Close of fantasy football players.  One day he’s scoring touchdowns for you via the Patriots and the next thing you know – rabbit stew!  Normally, I am a very practical guy and I try to avoid all the drama of owning a guy like Randy Moss.  I take the high road and don’t draft guys like that.  But then I realize most leagues demand/suggest you start a receiver or three.

Let’s be honest, as a group, we’re not talking about rocks of stability.  In fact, outside of the Colts’ receivers (who apparently are reigned in by Peyton Manning’s strong pimp hand, although Marvin may have went a little wayward.  It’s always the same story right?  “Nice guy, kept to himself.  Great with the kids in the neighborhood.  Maybe a little overprotective of his carwash, etc.”) and Andre Johnson the average NFL receiver is a little too wild for the Bad Girls Club and if you’ve seen The Soup you know those bitches be crazy!

It seems Randy has landed himself in Tennessee (two n’s, two s’s, four e’s Randy, but not all right next to each other).  I was pushing for Cincinnati this time around, but hey, the season’s young.  What would that show be called?  Probably, “What the Fuck Are the Bengals Doing Now?”

At any rate, dang.  It’s Tennessee’s bye week.  Great.  Looks like Roy’s getting the start.  Or maybe I can pick-up a homeless guy on waivers.  Thanks for nothing, Randy — nothing but headaches and rack of rabbit.

Robert DeNiro–Damnit, even if the movie is fucking Meet the Fockers or whatever, he’s still entertaining, and his general badassery aside from the Stiller cash cow more than makes up for that franchise. Like Bobby D, these guys keep churning out big performances.

• Darren McFadden (OAK, RB) McFadden completely shredded the Broncos defense, racking up 165 rushing yards and three rushing touchdowns, as well as 31 receiving yards and one receiving touchdown. He did all of this in the first three quarters of the game. Big, big game, and he has the potential to do more when he feels 100% healthy after his hamstring injury.
• Carson Palmer (CIN, QB) Palmer threw an eye-popping 412 yards and three touchdown passes in a loss to the Falcons. He continues to have big games even when the Bengals lose, which is a lot thanks to their weak defense. Expect him to keep putting up good-to-great numbers.

• Roddy White (ATL, WR) White scored two touchdowns in Sunday’s win against the Bengals, with 11 catches for 201 yards. He’s quietly putting together one of the best fantasy seasons of any player in the league with performances like these.

Adam Sandler I keep thinking you might make a good movie, and every now and again you do. Punch-Drunk Love, Funny People, hell, even your early comedies like Big Daddy, Billy  Madison, and Happy Gilmore make me laugh. But then you have Zohans. Like this week. Fuck it, I still think the goat is funny.

• Jay Cutler (CHI, QB) Cutler threw for 281 yards, but only one touchdown and four interceptions in the Bears’ loss to the Redskins. He was sacked four times and Chicago’s offense is truly the football equivalent of The Situation’s Dancing With The Stars career.

• Ray Rice (BAL, RB) Rice never found the endzone and had a mere 72 rushing yards in a win over the Bills, whose defense is normally terrible. Talk about let down.

• Chris Johnson (TEN, RB) No touchdowns and only 73 total yards of offense in the Titans’ win over the Eagles. Brutal for those owners who rely on Johnson for solid points every week.

Mickey Rourke–It’s not always Barfly or Angel Heart with these guys. Sometimes, it’s Enrique’s “Hero” video, but we wanted to believe these players had a Wrestler in them somewhere, and this week, they delivered. But don’t get too comfortable just yet; it’s a short path to meth use and boxing in Midwestern casinos.

• Kenny Britt (TEN, WR) I guess *allegedly* taking part in a “nightclub brawl” Friday night fueled Britt’s fire. He had a career-high game against Philadelphia, catching seven passes for 225 yards and three touchdowns, and he didn’t even play in the first quarter because of said brawl. Suspension for Britt’s off-field activities has not been ruled out, though, so keep an eye on his status.

• Ryan Fitzpatrick (BUF, QB) Forget his two interceptions. Fitzpatrick threw a career-high four touchdown passes and 347 yards in Buffalo’s (nonetheless) loss to the Ravens. Couple that with three touchdown passes in the Bills’ last game against the Jaguars, and Fitzpatrick is probably worth a pickup, at least as a decent backup option.
• Lee Evans (BUF, WR) Since Fitzpatrick took over quarterbacking duties, Evans has been awesome, pulling down three touchdowns against the Ravens in six catches for 105 yards. These two guys have created some exciting hookups and should continue to be fun to watch.

The White Russians went 1-1 this weekend, including a heartbreaking loss to my husband. I’m now 3-4 and 6-1 for the season.

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]]> http://www.draftdaysuit.com/2010/10/27/tuesday-morning-fantasy-football-quarterback-week-seven/feed/ 1 http://www.draftdaysuit.com/2010/10/23/i-fail-fantasy-football/ http://www.draftdaysuit.com/2010/10/23/i-fail-fantasy-football/#comments Sat, 23 Oct 2010 11:37:10 +0000 Laurie http://www.draftdaysuit.com/?p=5622 I’ve said it before. Football is not my sport — or at least it never was until I started paying closer attention about two years ago, and these days you’re likely to find me in front of a tv with a game on most Sundays.

It’s a steep learning curve, though, for this basketball and hockey girl. I’m still getting the relatively large number of teams, players and positions straight in my head, and I’m just now to the point where I can intuitively identify what I just saw on the field to the point where I can call bullshit on a bad play — my barometer for true understanding, what can I say?  Still, given my interest in games and competition in general, you’d think I’d be all about the fantasy leagues I sign up for because my friends tell me to. I’m interested in rankings of just about anything. I’ve been around NFL betting in one way or another all of my life — family and friends with more than just a passing interest in overs and unders, whose mood depended in some way or another on how the games went that weekend. And who doesn’t love an office pool? Fill in the squares, have a basic understanding of points and quarters, and pretend to understand minimal trash talk. Experience instant belongingness and possible cash money — what’t not to love?

Kevin Kolb is holding it down for the Eagles in Michael Vick's injured absence. I guess I should see if he's on my team.

But fantasy seems complicated to me, a subculture that requires time and attention that I don’t think I have, although I try to conjure it up. Leagues require at least some of focus, a focus that for some reason I lack. I can barely remember to check in on my one piddly league — a basic, auto-draft, “who won and lost” deal. Watching my friends manage full-blown leagues — moving around players based on injuries and past performance, managing full teams and ranking specific positions — makes my head hurt.

And this isn’t just for football. Last year I tried a hockey fantasy league, with astoundingly bad results. I am as keyed into hockey as I can be to a sport. I follow the NHL closely, just apparently not on paper, or a digital pool. Keeping track of 82 games involving approximately one billion players on eleventy teams was too much for me.

But I’m still in this football league, and you’d think I could hang in there for 16 games. Even with all of those players and positions, I can manage this. Maybe I’ll even start reading the fantasy update e-mails from Bleacher Report and ESPN that I’ve been guiltily ignoring.

Who am I kidding? I need to aim low, which is to say that maybe I’ll actually log in and see how I’m doing, so I can see what my competition is complaining or gloating about, depending on the week. Or maybe, knowing me, I’ll just grab another beer and watch the game. Is that so wrong?

This Week’s Heroes

• Kevin Kolb (PHI, QB) Michael who? Kolb was 23 of 29 for 326 yards and three touchdowns as the Eagles beat the Falcons.  He’ll probably play again Sunday against the Titans, and the healing Vick might have to earn his spot back if Kolb has another game like this.

• Ben Roethlisberger (PIT, QB) As much as I hate giving this dude any attention after his “misconduct” he did have a hell of a return game, throwing for 249 yards and three touchdowns as the Steelers beat the Browns. I can’t wait until he gets booed on the road.

• Arian Foster (HOU, RB) Foster’s total yardage wasn’t spectacular (just under 100 total yards), but he did pull down two touchdowns as Houston beat Kansas City. He’s averaging 105 yards and a touchdown per game.

This Week’s Zeros

• Pretty much the entire San Diego offense The Chargers lost to the aforementioned Rams, an upset of note even outside of St Louis. Philip Rivers threw for 249 yards, but only one touchdown and an interception and was sacked seven times. Antonio Gates and Malcolm Floyd both left the game with injuries. Christ, even the kicker, Nate Kaeding slipped and injured his groin in a field goal attempt blocked by the Rams.

• Michael Turner (ATL, RB) Sunday’s loss to the Eagles was the third game in a row  in which Turner hasn’t scored, and he’s only scored one touchdown all season. If you don’t drop him, you should at least move him to your bench.

• Brett Favre (MIN, QB) Oh, Brett. This is why you can’t have penis-photo sexting scams during the season: you throw for just one touchdown and 118 yards. I don’t really have a lot to say; we all know he’s a douche. I just wanted to remind you. And reference Favre’s wiener.

This Week’s Surprises

• Dwayne Bowe (KC, WR) Bowe caught six passes for 108 yards and two touchdowns in his best game of the season in a Chiefs loss to Houston. After a mediocre start to the season, his performance was a welcome one for fantasy owners.

• Denario Alexander (STL, WR) Alexander was called up from the Rams’ practice squad just last week, and in his NFL debut had four catches for 74 yards and one touchdown.  Take a chance on this dude if he’s available in your league; he should be fun to watch at home games since he’s a Mizzou alum.
• Jeremy Maclin (PHI, WR) Speaking of former Tigers, Maclin had a career-high 159 receiving yards with two touchdowns, one for 83 yards, after DeSean Jackson got knocked the fuck out with a concussion. Jackson will miss next week’s game against the Titans, so keep Maclin active.

The White Russians were 1-1 this week, bringing my season records to 5-1 and 3-3, which as you know, in St Louis, is grounds for celebration.

Every Week

• Ray Rice (BAL, RB) Rice had a breakout game Sunday as the Ravens beat the Broncos, scoring two touchdowns and rushing for 133 yards.  He carried the ball 27 times as the Ravens ran on 29 of 37 plays in the second half alone.
• Tony Romo (DAL, QB) Romo threw for 406 yards, a career high, and three touchdowns, although he threw three interceptions, as well, in Dallas’s loss to Tennessee on Sunday.
• Philip Rivers (SD, QB) Rivers threw a mighty 431 yards and two touchdowns and is simply kicking ass this season. He leads the NFL in passing yards and is tied with Peyton Manning for touchdowns thrown (11) this season. Fear him.

Bad Week

• Peyton Manning (IND, QB) While he threw for 244 yards in the Colts’ win over the Chiefs, he threw an interception and scored no touchdowns, so his performance was a huge letdown for fantasy owners who’ve come to rely on big points from Manning week after week. Luckily for me, I also played against Manning this week, so in the grand scheme of things, his performance hurt me less than it could have.
• DeSean Jackson (PHI, WR) The Eagles squeaked by the 49ers, no thanks to Jackson, who only caught two passes for 24 yards before removing himself from the game with a knee injury in the second half. If he’s a starter, plan on having a decent backup for next week’s game against the Falcons.
• Arian Foster (HOU, RB) A paltry 25 rushing yards on eleven carries was a slight disappointment to fantasy owners, as the Texans lost to the Giants, 34-10. Foster was almost completely shut down, and suffered a slight knee injury, although he should still play next week.

Big Week

• Shaun Hill (DET, QB) I bet Hill and the Lions were glad that the Rams of the past few seasons showed up to play on Sunday. The Lions picked up a win behind three passing touchdowns from Hill and 266 passing yards
• Matt Forte (CHI, RB) Dude singlehandedly covered Peyton’s ass for me, and I was glad to have him on both of my fake teams this week. Forte rushed for 166 yards, by far a career record, and two touchdowns, one a monster 68-yarder, in the Bears’ win against the Panthers. Thank you, Mike Martz.
• Oakland DEF The Raiders D seemingly did it all this weekend in a win over the Chargers: three sacks, a safety, three fumble recoveries, two touchdowns, and two blocked kicks. That’s making shit happen.

The White Russians went 1-1 this week, bringing my season records to 4-1 and 3-2 on the season. I would also like to point out that I hung on for a highly-anticipated win against my friend, rock journalist/attorney Mike Dauphin and the Mike-ami Dauphins.

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