All posts in Dain Bramage

Liar Liar Pants On…Oh, Wait. Maybe Not

By | July 14, 2011 | Baseball, Breaking News, Celebrity Athletes, Crazy People, Dain Bramage, MLB, Politics in Sports?, Talking Trash, Unsportmanlike Conduct | Comments Off

Roger Clemens used steroids. Allegedly. Then, Roger Clemens lied about it to Congress. Allegedly. I don’t know if y’all know this, but the U.S. Congress only likes to lie to you, they really don’t appreciate it when you lie to them. Um, allegedly.

Hence, a federal obstruction charge leveled on one, rather beefy Mr. Clemens. A trial which has just ended in a mistrial. Yay for wasted tax dollars!

Roger Clemens, testing the tensile strength of the fabric of his suit, and looking snazzy with his manpurse full of roids stylish satchel, his attorney who firmly believes that three-ring binders make one look more official and some dude in a blue tie, arriving in court on Wednesday.

Why the mistrial, you ask? Apparently, while discussing a matter of instructions, away from the jury, one of the attorneys left a video playing in the courtroom. Now, this video wasn’t Spongebob, Real Housewives of East Bumblefart or even a little harmless porn. This was a video that clearly displayed written statements by Elijah E. Cummings (D-Md) questioning the legitimacy and the credibility of one of the key witnesses in Clemens’ defense. These statements were made in the Congressional hearing in 2008, where Clemens denied any use of steroids or other performance enhancing drugs.Um, oops.

“Sadly, I have reached this conclusion,”said presiding justice, U.S. District Judge Reggie  Walton.

An earlier ruling was at issue, where no prior testimony was being allowed into evidence, including testimony from Clemens’ former teammate, Andy Pettitte.

“We’ll never know what impact that will have on how this jury decides this case, when we have a man’s liberty’s at stake. I am troubled by this. The government should have been more cautious.” Said Walton

He added, “I don’t see how I unring the bell” and keep the jury from considering what was on the video screen.

“In my view, Mr. Pettitte’s testimony is going to be critical as to whether this man goes to prison, and I can’t in good faith leave this case where a man’s liberty is at risk when the government should have assured we are not in this situation.”

Photo credit and source

Tiki Barber Might Be the Worst Person Ever

By | May 27, 2011 | Bad calls, Celebrity Athletes, Crazy People, Dain Bramage, Rants, WTF? | Comments Off

When I was in middle school I was totally convinced that my parents stayed up late at night trying to come up with devious plans to ruin my life. One time we had to go visit my grandparents the same weekend as the coolest party of the year. I was not allowed to go to the arcade where the burnouts hung out even though it was awesome and that is where all of the cute boys were, and my curfew was way earlier than most peoples’. Now that I have kids of my own, I understand that maybe I was just overreacting then.

But sometimes I think Tiki Barber just sits around his house thinking of ways to piss me off. This week was a doozy.

I have written before about how Tiki left his pregnant (with twins!) wife for a 23 year old intern before. Well, because of this Tiki was so hated that he and his young homewrecker ended up living in his agent Mark Lepselter’s attic. Then he told Sports Illustrated this:

“Lep’s Jewish and it was like a reverse Anne Frank thing.”

Yes, Tiki. Having to hide from your ex-fans after having been an NFL running back and a television star because you couldn’t keep your dick out of your intern is EXACTLY the same as a young girl hiding from the Nazis where she would have been killed in an EXTERMINATION CAMP because of her faith and bloodline. Totally the same.

What a douchebag.

He is like “SCREW YOU EVERYONE!”

Now, I’m sure he and the 23-year-old thought that they were very clever and adorable when they originally came up with that analogy, but these are the same two people who thought it was cool for Tiki to abandon his wife, unborn twins and older children.

Some things you just don’t say out loud, even if you think them.

The Anne Frank analogy is one of them.

Do I think Tiki Barber hates Jewish people? No. Do I think he meant it as an anti-Semitic thing? No. Do I think he is an insensitive megalomaniac who should shut his intern hole? Indeed I do.

Ray Lewis: Lockout Equals Crime Spree

By | May 23, 2011 | Bad calls, Celebrity Athletes, Crazy People, Dain Bramage, Football, Unsportmanlike Conduct | 2 Comments

Fucking Ray Lewis.

Ray Lewis told Sal Paolantonio that the loss of the 2011-2012 football season will result in an increase in crime:

Do this research if we don’t have a season — watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game.

Huh?

When ESPN asked Lewis why he thought crime would spike in the case of a lockout, he said:

There’s nothing else to do, Sal.

Nothing else to do.

NOTHING ELSE TO DO?

I like Ray Lewis. I think he is a phenomenal football player. I think this was an irresponsible and ill-informed statement.

I love football. My favorite holiday is Super Bowl Sunday. I look forward to my fantasy football draft for MONTHS. I own at least seven NFL jerseys. I pay a shameful amount of money for the NFL Sunday ticket and stay with DirecTV just so I can watch every game the Tampa Bay Buccaneers play every year. However, I do not foresee embarking on a crime spree if there is no NFL season. I will be sad, of course, but I will not take it out on society.

Really, Ray? Are you going to go out looting if you aren’t on the football field? Are you saying you can’t afford not to commit crimes if there is no NFL?

According to Google this is Ray Lewis' House

You could clean your pool. You could read a book. You could get a part time job. You could organize your pantry. You could travel. You could write the next great American novel. You could hike the Appalachian Trail. You could take up painting or water polo or spelunking. You could teach your dog to roll over. You could learn Mandarin. You could mentor a child. You could get a talk show. I hear Oprah is retiring.

Mind you, there will still be high school, college, CFL, Gridiron Australia, Arena Football, the Belgian Football League, the American Brasilian Football League,  Vaahteraliiga, the CEFL, the German Football League, the Irish-American football league, pee wee football, the Israeli football league, Youth Flag football, LNFA, and BAFA all playing this year.

Just not the National Football League.

So is Ray Lewis trying to say that NFL players are going to be bored and commit crimes or that NFL fans have only breaking the law on their agendas, right after watching football?

Honestly, Ray, there is a lot more to me than that, and I’d like to think that there is a lot more to you than that.

Like this.

I hope that there is an NFL season, but if there isn’t I would like to think that Ray Lewis will continue to do the good work he is doing with children and charities and Snuggie commercials instead of some sort of criminal rampage.

If not:

There is more to life than either football or crime. If Ray doesn’t know that it makes me sad. If he does know it and that was some sort of threat directed at the owners, then it makes me mad. This is the level of entitlement that makes me almost hope these jerks don’t work it out and everyone involved goes home without a dollar this year.

Chad Ochocinco Rides a Bull, or, Please Can the NFL Season Actually Happen?

By | May 16, 2011 | Contest!, Crazy People, Dain Bramage, NFL | 2 Comments

Sarah and I were sitting in a restaurant yesterday after a long day of concert going and beer consumption, so when I looked at the tv and was pretty sure I saw Chad Ochocinco at a rodeo in cowboy clothes, I thought I’d finally lost it.

Whether I have or haven’t is still up for debate, but Chad Ochocinco was totally at a rodeo.  And not only was he at Saturday’s Professional Bull Riders Event in Duluth, Ga., he was there to ride a bull. He lasted 1.5 seconds on champion bull Deja Blu.

The night before, he registered his shock, dismay, and what can only be termed cultural dissonance after his first night roaming the rodeo grounds.

It's too many syllables for haiku.

Other takeaways from Ocho’s 1.5 seconds of rodeo glory:

  • His ride qualified him to rename the bull, perhaps carrying on some Biblical rodeo tradition, or maybe more modern ones that turn stadiums with regular names into Comcast and Delco and whatever other corporate entity. Options he claimed he considered were “Marvin Lewis” and “Child Please”, but he let him continue on with his bucking bronco life as Deja Blu.
  • Chad’s coach pre-ride was Jewel’s husband and real live cowboy Ty Murray. So can we talk for a second about how much I hate that song “Hands”? “My handssss, small I knowwww.” Gah. What a horrible song. Anyway, apparently Ty had all manner of motivational speech for Chad, including that he was in over his head and such as, and that he would get off “monumentally fast.” This to me sounds only marginally better than never riding atop a thousandy-pound bull at all, but then again I am not the Ultimate Catch with a titular television program to my credit. I was just sitting in a bar in Maryland watching this nonsense unfold and pounding down some chicken fingers. Not on a bull. I win!
  • Ochocinco went through with this largely because, if he had not, he would allegedly have been known as “Number 58 No Show Cinco.” This tells me that either he made this up himself, as he is a fan of rhyming, or that the rodeo world is a harsh cesspool of trash talk. I don’t know.
  • That “Hands” song really sucks.  I haven’t thought about it this much in a long time. Also did you know that Jewel lived in her car for awhile? Wow, I hope the lockout ends soon.
  • Ocho earned $10,000 for his troubles, which he says he is donating to Feed the Children, and Stanley Tools is donating $5,000 in his name. He also won a Ford F-50 pickup truck. I wonder what you win if you stay on the bull for more than 1.5 seconds?
  • This evening’s tweets indicate that Chad considers porn the most dangerous sport, with bull riding a close second. And also, he “lives to ride again.” This contradicts his statement to CBS Sports, the very wise “One and done.”

I’m left wondering what sports or entertainment mashup an NFL player is going to participate in to make some money or blow off some negotiations steam. Hines Ward has already joined the list of past and current football players to hit Dancing With the Stars. So if the lockout goes on and the season is screwed? Roethlisberger is a prime NASCAR candidate, although maybe in stock cars, which are potentially slightly more roomy. Tom Brady honed his dancing skills at Carnival, so that seems a natural fit.

Joe Flacco in the UFC? Peyton Manning on the World Poker Tour? Drew Brees on a fly fishing show?

What next? No, really.

[Image: CBS Sports]

[Source: Cincinnati.com]

Boston’s Andrew Ference Keeps it Classy

By | April 22, 2011 | Bad calls, Dain Bramage, Hockey, LVP, Unsportmanlike Conduct | 3 Comments

Andrew Ference scored  a goal last night last night during game 4 against the Habs and how did he celebrate?

Andrew Ference flipped off Montreal.

Ference claims it was a glove malfunction.

That will be my excuse next time too.

Listen, I want to flip off Montreal fans as much as the next guy, but I am smart enough not to do it on INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION.

Or at least I like to think I am smart enough not to do that.

But if I wasn’t, let’s say I couldn’t control myself, hand Tourettes or what have you, you can be certain I wouldn’t be trying to blame it on my equipment. Oops!

Accessories Gone Wild

You can also be sure I’d be doing it Tennessee Style.

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