All posts in Cycling

Weekly Roundup: Sex, Drugs, and Bieber Edition

By | October 2, 2010 | Baseball, Cycling, Golf, Soccer, Unsportmanlike Conduct, WTF? | 2 Comments

Sex

Cincinnati Bengal Chad Ochocinco was trying to help Feed the Children by having their phone number for donations printed on boxes of his cereal, “OchocincOs.” A typo sends callers to a phone sex line instead. If Chad were not a Bengal, would this be as funny? I think not.

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Premier League players are accused of hiring 15 hookers for a post-match celebration party. This probably wouldn’t be news if one of the hookers had not been a transvestite. He kept that little tidbit to himself while doing “some oral stuff” with Fulham defender Carlos Salcido. Salcido intends to sue the transvestite. That will be fun.

Drugs

Alberto Contador is blaming his positive drug test during the Tour de France on bad steak. Contador, who won the title, tested positive in a test taken the last rest day of the 2010 Tour. His story sounds plausible. The drug detected is given to cows and meat from Spain that was consumed by Contador and his teammates. The fact that it’s the Tour de France makes this one a bit of a yawn. As Contador said, “It’s almost normal for people to doubt this sport now.” Gee, you think? This surely isn’t the end of this story, especially since Lance Armstrong is a former teammate of both Contador and Floyd Landis, the only Tour winner to be stripped of his title. So far, anyway.

Bieber

Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins has purchased the rights to a Justin Bieber song. I have no idea what this means. It’s probably just an Eenie Meenie sign of the apocalypse.

“Shawty is a (sic) eenie meenie miney mo lover?” Who wouldn’t want to co-sign that genius? Um…

None of the Above

Last week I mentioned the sport of wife-carrying.

wife-carrying-for-beer

I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you about the Harris Cup International Miniature Golf Tournament, being contested this weekend in Vestal, NY. Winners of regional qualifiers meet in Vestal to decide a champion. Nobody wins their weight in beer, though.

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Top photo: Robert Seale/TSN /ZUMA Press.

Bottom photo: Eightface.com

Landis on Armstrong: “He always kept the good shit for himself.”

By | July 26, 2010 | Cycling, Uncategorized | Comments Off

My first biking memory is of propping my banana-seated bicycle up against my family’s fence and then climbing that fence so that I could get on said banana seat.  Gleefully, I pedaled and rode off.  It was my first solo, two-wheeled bike ride and it was glorious.  I was on my third lap around our cul de sac before I realized, “Shit.  How am I going to get off this crazy thing?”

That pretty much summarizes my bicycling knowledge.  How to get on, pedal and ultimately chafe like a melonfarmer after even the shortest of rides.  So when Floyd Landis says, “I saw Lance Armstrong using drugs,” I’m not exactly speaking as an authority.  I should probably stop here, but what fun is that?  Let the speculation and uninformed opinion-making ensue!

I got dibs on whale sperm.

I got dibs on whale sperm.

Apparently, there are a lot of ways to cheat in cycling.  And Landis accuses Armstrong of the following:

  • Transfusing his own blood and having a strong aversion to garlic.
  • Dating Sheryl Crow.  While not performance enhancing, Landis found it “kind of creepy.”
  • Landis said that Armstrong received blood transfusions during races.  It’s unclear if it was Armstrong’s own blood or the blood of 1,000 purified super-cycling babies!  Further confounding, how was Armstrong able to pedal with all those cumbersome tubes?
  • Armstrong was known to “cut the legs off drifters” and use them to power up the Tour’s steep mountain climbs.
  • Instead of water, Armstrong would drink the tears of newly orphaned children. While unnecessarily salty, the thought of their pain delighted and motivated him.
  • Armstrong gave Landis testosterone patches in an effort to get Landis to stop being such a “gaping weeping vagina” about all the doping in cycling.

Armstrong has not answered this round of allegations directly, but his attorney, Tim Herman had this to say:

Landis is a confessed perjurer and he is a liar, and I think, as Lance said … when you taste milk to see if it’s sour, you take a first taste and you don’t have to drink the whole carton to know it’s all sour.

http://verto.net/public/2009/05/28/milkshake/

Take that for what you will, but it sounds like Armstrong has gone “downtown” with Landis. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. Sinner.

It seems to me that cycling is dividing into two distinct skills — riding a bike and, more importantly, getting away with cheating. And according to Landis, Armstrong was the perfect synthesis of super-cheating cycling power. And admittedly, I have no idea if Armstrong cheated. I hope he didn’t. But, considering how dirty the sport is isn’t it difficult to believe he’d be able to beat so many doped Frenchmen powered by only Wheaties and apple pie?

Look at the evidence; could a clean athlete win the All-Drug Olympics?

We may never know for sure. But we do know that right now Lance Armstrong wants to get off this crazy thing.

You’re Going to Need a Bigger Bag to Clean up Your Dog’s Tour de France Mess

By | July 5, 2010 | Cycling, injuries | Comments Off

My husband and I have two dogs.  We have a yellow lab named Blue, which makes perfect sense because we hate Michigan, and a black lab, named Daisy, which is ironic because I kill a lot of those in my garden.

At the bottom of our road there is a bike path.  Every day, my husband walks Blue and Daisy down the path.  Off leash.  While my husband covers about three miles, the dogs likely cover twice that distance because they are free to run.

The bike path is not just for bikers, but there is a yellow line stretched down the middle and a lot of people wearing helmets who speed up behind you yelling things like, “On your left!”

I won’t even get into how much I hate to walk the dogs with my husband when he does this off-leash thing, even though I realize that if the dogs don’t get their exercise they will eat toilet paper or chew up Sharpies all day.  The idea that one of my dogs could chase a chimpunk into the path of someone on a Sunday ride makes me a little anxious.  I know that if I was a biker and I flipped over my handlebars because of a dog, I would be pissed.

Now, let’s consider that it’s not someone on a Sunday ride, but instead it’s a guy who eats, breathes and lives cycling.  Let’s pretend that he’s on the ride of his life and is participating in the Tour de France which, if I’m being honest, is kind of a brutal race.  There are mountains and stuff.

Andy Schleck, either after crashing or before hitting the port-o-potty.

Andy Schleck, either after crashing or before hitting the port-o-potty.

This year’s Tour has been especially tough and has been plagued with crashes, and all of those cracked ribs are not going to feel too great when the riders cover seven miles of cobblestone on the next leg either.

There have been a lot of reasons for the crashes.  Streets crowded with spectators, slippery roads, tight turns and people who don’t put their dog on a leash.  That’s right.  Two bikers crashed because a dog ran onto the track, or, more to the point, because people are stupid.

It’s pretty sad when the pet owner is the one who needs obedience training.

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Lessons from a Biking God

By | May 21, 2010 | Athletes on Twitter, Cycling | 4 Comments

Be careful what you wish for; just ask Lance Armstrong.

Not only is the super-cycler capable of crashing like my son who is just learning to ride a bike but he is not immune from lashing out. His tweet on Thursday called out the media. Via twitter.

Grumpypants Lance (That Rhymes)

Versus cut away from the last mile of the race to break into hockey. While it’s crunch time in the hockey world, it wasn’t even a cut away for an awesome goal or a good ole brawl. We’re talking pre-game hockey. They mentioned some muck about contractual obligations. Of course, hockey is no stranger to getting the slight on coverage, much like Game 5 in 2007 when they got the shaft (to Versus!) so that they could get in the pre-race coverage of the Preakness. Apparently we’re just passing around the “No One Cares About Your Sport” click of a switcher button.

All that said, I bet Armstrong wishes the media wouldn’t have been covering it as well when he found himself tumbling along the road face first just hours after he had to publicly deny a doping charge by fellow Tour de Fance cyclist Floyd Landis. Perhaps you get what you ask for because his bloody face is all over every sports news site, blog, and, yes, twitter. The doping claim has over 1800 Google links. Looks like he found himself some coverage. I’m thinking this isn’t the coverage he was seeking.

At the same time, the Huffington Post takes it one step farther and asks if his crash was karma throwing a wrench in his spokes for actually doping and denying it. The thing about karma is that if you mock someone else’s karma, it can come back to bite you, too. That said, maybe HuffPo has it wrong on what exactly karma was tossing Armstrong’s face at the pavement as payback. Perhaps it was because he called someone a dumbass. No one likes to be called a dumbass.

Perhaps Lance can make peace with the hockey players that he likely ticked off by whining about coverage and compare battle wounds though I might suggest that he waits until his stops oozing.

Now That's a Scar!

I think it’s a shame that he ate the pavement and is out of the race. But I think we can all count this as a lesson in being careful what you ask for because you just might get it. Along with stitches. And a bit of crow.

_
[Photo: @LanceArmstrong.]

. . . .

Jenna agrees with Lance; who cares about hockey now that the Penguins are out?

Lance Armstrong Lets Tony Kornheiser Have It on Twitter

By | March 18, 2010 | Cycling, Talking Trash, Unsportmanlike Conduct | Comments Off

You know you’re a dick if Lance Armstrong is calling you out.

On Twitter.

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