All posts in Brett Favre Watch

Favre to Retire. Again. Maybe.

By | January 3, 2011 | Brett Favre Watch, Football, LVP, NFL | 4 Comments

Brett Favre retiring again?

Glitch in the matrix… deja vu… heard it all before.

*Yawn.*

I don’t care what Brett Favre does anymore. I’m surprised that Brett Favre cares what Brett Favre does anymore. Maybe he can go back to (allegedly) harassing coworkers without the hassle of going to practice now. The legend has been tainted. I’m sick of this guy.

Favre's first or second retirement: 2008

Please go home this time, Brett. I’ve been writing about you retiring for three years now and I would like to retire from writing about you retiring.

MayoPie Wins Fantasy Championship: Vikings Beat Eagles, Too

By | December 29, 2010 | Brett Favre Watch, Celebrity Athletes, Fantasy Sports, Football, NFL | 5 Comments

What a night! It was a back and forth battle, but in the end, MayoPie prevailed over the dreaded Jon’s Team. Mike Vick’s 10 yard touchdown run sealed the victory for the resilient Mayopie (who finished the season 10-1 to claim the elusive… e-mail from that one guy who said, “Good game”).

I should probably also mention that there was an actual football game on with some real implications, first and foremost being Philadelphia’s playoff standing. They’re now the 3rd seed and that’s a done deal, so let’s talk about Joe Webb, Mike Vick then we’ll do a happy ending on Brett Favre’s penis.

Joe Webb is the only thing this offense ever needed, which is a fairly mobile quarterback who could get out of trouble and make the occasional important throw. Other than that, dish the ball to some freakish stars like Harvin, Peterson and Rice and watch the magic happen. There’s no mystery here and this is exactly what Childress envisioned when he got all starry eyed about Tarvaris Jackson. As it turns out, Webb is faster than Jackson, more accurate and has a better pocket awareness. All this from a guy who had played a few snaps before last night.

What I saw in the Vikes was a playoff team that no one would want to meet, and had the trigger been pulled sooner, the Minnesota Vikings might now be a scary prospect. What I also saw last night is that Mike Vick isn’t going to last long in the NFL. Teams are learning that when it comes to Vick, you pick your poison and the better poison seems to be, “Send the house every time and take your chances.”

We’ve now seen two teams in consecutive weeks contain Mike Vick for seven of eight quarters, and they’ve done it by blitzing like crazy. Forget the hits he takes while he’s running, last night it was about the hits he was taking in the pocket. More interestingly, no one on Philadelphia seemed to care.

Mike Vick is the most dangerous man in the NFL, as such, it stands to reason that his NFL lifespan won’t be that of a Manning, Brady, or any pure pocket passer. In fact, Michael Vick might be the only quarterback, is the only quarterback, who has to deal with being blitzed on almost every single play. And if you haven’t noticed, he’s not 6’5″, 250 lbs, nor is he 25 years old. If we continue to see what we saw last night, Vick will not last long in the NFL.

Now to Brett’s penis.  It was probably pretty upset when it watched a rookie managing the Vikings offense better than Favre had managed it all year, knowing that another penis was now going to be getting all of the attention. Probably a much larger penis, and believe me, no penis likes being replaced by a younger, larger penis. As far as being a penis, it’s pretty much the worst thing that can happen to you, aside from being removed and thrown from a car window.

Brett’s penis knows that things aren’t going to be as easy from here on out, and he’s coming to the realization that his host body is going to have to work a little harder to find him a new playground. He might now be reduced to looking for love in all the wrong places, relying on ladies of the night and being forced to wear that damn latex suit he hates so much, because it’s just the policy for those kind of places.  After all, it’s tough when you all of the sudden become a poster boy for creepy, and that’s what he has become: another cheap, naked penis floating around on the internet tubes.

Brett’s penis fondly recalls the days when the mere image of himself would drive the cheerleaders wild, luring them in gaggles to his hotel room door, but he now finds himself contemplating his own mortality… strung out on little blue pills, internet porn and Swedish massagers with promises of “three more inches.” Three more inches. If only it were that simple. I think it says it all about life, don’t you?

The NFL will be announcing Brett Favre’s punishment in the next 48 hours and I, for one, am dripping with anticipation on the mighty NFL’s eleventh hour, meaningless gesture designed to do no actual damage, but perhaps limit further liability or litigation. Brett might lose a whole paycheck. He might get suspended for a game he would have watched from the sidelines, and maybe a couple more he wouldn’t have played, anyway. He might get an ugly fine and now that he will never play again, a stern condemnation from the NFL. Too little, too late, in my opinion. The NFL has lost its ability to punish Brett Favre, but it will be an entertaining show.

Brett Favre’s real punishment was brought on by Brett Favre.  His storied career has gone down in flames, his legacy tarnished forever, and because of  his actions, what we will remember most about Brett is that he stayed one year too long, is a creepily persistent stalker, and his wiener seems kind of small for how big a man he is.

If you think about it, that’s a pretty crappy tombstone.

Brett Favre Injured, No One Cares, Oh My God

By | December 13, 2010 | Brett Favre Watch, Crazy People, Football, injuries, NFL, WTF? | Comments Off

Look, the football season is not my favorite thing in the world. I don’t find football nearly as compelling as basketball or baseball — I mean, ask me about how I feel about the Red Sox right now, and I will go ON and ON about how excited I am! And how Theo Epstein redeemed himself! And LOOK, I AM BUYING MY TICKETS RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW!

Football? Meh. Only if it’s a snowy game, and I can’t explain why that is except it makes me feel cozy watching all those men slide around in short sleeves, missing easy plays because they fell on their asses, etc. etc. It’s interesting, to me, how football is always played, no matter what (well, provided the ceiling doesn’t cave in), and how the elements impact game play. It’s fascinating to see how a warm-weather team reacts in snowy Foxboro vs. their home turf. I … I kind of love it.

So you can see why I was excited for yesterday’s matchup between the Pats and the Bears, given the snowy weather. You can also maybe see why I was flipping through ESPN and NFL Red Zone before the game, and why I seriously wanted to shoot myself directly in the face when the commentators virtually everywhere were talking more about Brett Favre’s stupid starting streak and his maybe-injury over and over and over again. More than the Metrodome, even) so help me, they cut into Metrodome footage to discuss it). More than effing ANYTHING ELSE.

I ask you, after everything that’s happened? After the stops and starts and stops and starts and stops and retire! Unretire! OH YES, THE PENIS! The creepy-eyebrowed wife! The … just the whole thing. I’m disgusted that anyone — mostly the media, not to sound like Sarah Palin–wants us to care, nay, DEMANDS that we care about Brett Favre’s stupid streak. About his career. About his anything.

I know I’m making it worse. I know I am, by even giving it airtime here. But man, I can tell you that I wish Brett Favre would just go away altogether.

If only he had retired. IF ONLY.

This is one of many photos of Brett crying. I don't know why he's crying here.

Jonna actually watched the entire Patriots game from start to finish on Sunday, marveling at the second consecutive trouncing by the Pats, and even better, it was a snowy one. She later watched the end of the Jets game and rejoiced.

Brett Favre NFL Royalty: Huh?

By | November 24, 2010 | Brett Favre Watch, NFL | 3 Comments

I’ve heard the term “NFL Royalty” thrown around a lot over the past few days when Brett Favre is being discussed. What the fuck are you people talking about?

In his illustrious career, Brett Favre has had one magical year, one great year (a long time ago), some pretty good years, and some real bad ones. This year, he leads the league in turnovers.

Throughout Brett’s career, he has almost as many turnovers as he does touchdowns. Statistically, there’s about a 55-45 chance Brett Favre is going to throw the critical interception that loses you the game. This year, the chances are closer to 2 to 1 that you’ll see him hand the ball over.

When I think of great quarterbacks, I think of Montana, Young, Manning, Brady, Aikman, etc.  And when compared to Brett, all of them have considerably better touchdown to turnover ratios. And the fact is, as has always been the case in the NFL, nothing negates 400 passing yards and two tds like three interceptions. Turnovers are killers, and other than last year, usually what you’d see from him.

They say you can’t sit Brett because he’s “NFL Royalty”, and I can’t believe how silly that statement is. Kurt Warner was a waaaaaay better quarterback, at one time commanding The Greatest Show on Turf.  He got hurt, started turning over the ball, and before you know it, he’s replaced by Marc Bulger, passed over for Eli Manning, then teaching Matt Leinart how to do his job. Fortunately, Kurt would get his shot and lead his team to a Super Bowl. For the third time. The difference is, his start streak was a non-issue.

The last time I checked, you had to play football well to have a job. Let me put it this way: Do you think Tom Brady would be leading the league in turnovers? No. It would never, ever happen. You wouldn’t see press conference after press conference  of Tom saying, “Ummm… I don’t know what to say. It’s sad. I like winning. I do. And I think I can still help this team win. I don’t know. I like football. We’ll see what tomorrow brings, I guess. Tom sad…”

As I look around the NFL, I really can’t identify any other player that’s sucking as much as Favre is sucking and is still playing. Nothing is more common than people passing their prime and being benched, cut… and that’s especially the case for a man in his forties. When you say he’s royalty, is he the King of the NFL? Should I be bowing when I watch him? I’m just trying to get this whole thing straight.

I believe the only reason he’s playing is the same reason he’s played 30 games over his career he shouldn’t have played, and that’s his start streak. No one wants to take that away from him, especially friends and those who have admired him. And look at what has happened to that team because of it. A man lost his job because the only thing he could fix, he couldn’t touch. And neither can the new mechanic.

One of Leslie Frazier’s first announcements was that Brett Favre is the starter. Shocker. So, Brett has dodged yet another bullet and what should be falling on his shoulders has ended a man’s career. Now he has the opportunity to show that he’s not the problem, and that it actually was the coach credited for turning around their organization and leading their team to the NFC championship all along.  I knew it.

When people lose their jobs and families are uprooted because one man refuses to say, “You know, Coach? My ankle is broken, my arm hurts and I’m a liability this week, I probably shouldn’t play,” and at least give him the chance to turn it around without you, because you are the problem, then just know that his passion and livelihood came at the expense of your 300 legacy.

With that, I guess I understand the term “NFL Royalty”. It means you get whatever you want, when you want it, no matter who pays the price.  And Brett has become a shining example of it.

Favre might have contacted Sterger in 2009: Whatever

By | October 25, 2010 | Brett Favre Watch, Crazy People, Football, NFL, Sports Psych | 4 Comments

In the ongoing Favre penis saga, according to Sterger’s manager, Favre contacted accuser Jenn Sterger in 2009.  Assuming all of these things are true, then Brett is unbelievably persistent . “Well, I tried the trainer thing, the voice mail thing, the ignoring her ignoring me thing, sent her a picture of me masturbating… nothing. I followed all the steps… I don’t get it. I’m just going to give her a little while to cool off and work on her next season.”

Do you think Brett got laid that night? I mean, do you think he was just so in love (with the girl he never talked to) that he was just pining over Sterger, and rather than call the list of girls in every town who are willing to blow Brett Favre, he hung out in his hotel room, stroking his manhood, thinking about Jenn? Well, he probably did that, too.

Sterger is contemplating whether or not to talk to the NFL.  Phil Reese, her manager, has said she is “seriously considering it.”  Whatever. I really don’t care.

Sure, sexual harassment and the such, which is bad and I’m not discounting it, but GIVE ME A BREAK, NFL. Women in the NFL are used like Hooters waitresses.  I have no facts to back this statement up, but how many less-than-hot ‘hostesses’ are there? Cheerleaders? The girls who launch t-shirts out of cannons?

Women in male sports are used as eye candy and many of the women who gravitate around it are interested in dating athletes. Wow. Crazy, right?  In fact, think about all the movies where the head cheerleader and the qb were practically married. When basketball players were lured  into a pool by the cheerleaders with the promise of a Roman-style orgy, then those evil, evil women stole their bathing suits (Porky’s…1? 2? They were both wonderful).  It’s just how it works in our fucked up heads. Or is it just in our heads?

cheerleader

The NFL is an elite club where they play hard and they play even harder. Not one man who lives it doesn’t understand its underbelly which, from time to time, exposes itself to us all.  Something that even we like to pretend doesn’t exist, but is well-known to us all. All I can say is, “whatever”.

The NFL and male sports have a long way to go. From cheerleaders to ring girls, they’re pretty unnecessary. No one goes to a football game to watch cheerleaders, and the ones who do scare the living hell out of me and should be on a list.

Brett Favre has denied nothing (and there are other claims by other women of similar behavior, duh), so if we assume this is true, there are a couple of things that need to happen.

1. The woman should be compensated. When a powerful man focuses his creepy attention on you, and it clearly makes you uncomfortable, and you do your best to ignore him (because that’s pretty much what you need to do to keep your job, in your mind), then you deserve some sort of compensation. It’s the very definition of “sexual harassment”. Not that Brett could hire or fire, but the power he wields within any organization is, well, duh.  For months, entire teams have waited on Brett to decide what he wants, from the owner to the waterboy.

2. Brett Favre (and those like him) needs to learn when a woman says “no”, she fucking means it and it doesn’t mean, “I need more convincing. How about a picture of your cock?”  Fortunately, I think he’s getting the hint.

Funny thing, guys. Women aren’t nearly as interested in pictures of your penis as you are in pictures of their vaginas.  Now, some girls might be enticed by, you know, the kind of johnson we wish we all had, but that’s not Brett’s.

The writers here recently had a discussion about this, and this is where I learned most women are only interested in what your junk is doing for them at the time and if you send a picture of yours, you might as well be texting them a picture of a ’97 Ford Taurus.  The reaction will be exactly the same.

Brett Favre should be punished, because there is a victim here. More than one, actually. But the league has a much larger problem to address, and that’s the NFL (and professional sports, in general) being a breeding ground that cultivates and literally nurtures this behavior.

However, after 3 interceptions in a gut-wrenching loss to Green Bay at Lambeau on Sunday night, you get the feeling this is the end. Bad ankle, bad tendinitis, league hot on his trail, 2-4 with the Patriots on deck… and the argument can now easily be made that he is the problem. So, does a man who has already proven he can’t walk away, walk away? Or does the coach have to make him? If I had to take a wild stab at what Childress was thinking about last night when he rested his head on his pillow, I’d say he was counting Bret Favre interceptions with dances of sugar-plum Tavaris Jacksons in his head, knowing he has to have a serious and hard talk with someone about his very immediate future. I’m also guessing the last conversation Childress wants to have is where he forces Brett to end his streak, his career.

Walk away, Brett. Just walk away. Do your coach a favor.

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