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BREAKING: Looks Like Vilma Was Guilty in BountyGate After All

Jonathan-vilma

Well, well, well. New Orleans Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma maybe didn’t take any money for brutal hits on opponents it sure looks like he offered some to his teammates.

At least that is what his defensive coordinator, Gregg Williams is said.

In a sworn statement.

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Brett Favre Considers Lots of Things That Will Never Happen

Brett-Favre-Phone

Twitter is all atwitter about how an ESPN source is reporting that Brett Favre would listen if the Bears called.

Not that the Bears have contacted him. I’m sure Ryan Leaf,  Joey Harrington and my friend Billy would listen too if we’re just making a list of people that would be interested in playing quarterback for Chicago that should probably not be holding their breath by the telephone.

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Sometimes They Come Back. Again. And Again.

Just when I thought losing the 2011-2012  NFL season was the worst thing that could possibly happen to professional football, I got this email.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*sigh*

I give up.

Hold Me Closer, Tiny Penis Dancer

When the producers of Dancing With The Stars approached Brett Favre about being on the show, one of them mistakenly pronounced his name “FAA-vuh-ruh” and so Brett said no.

Then, he cried,

Which looks suspiciously like an O face. Which leads me to believe that he is as whiny during sex as  he is in press conferences and contract negotiations.

Now you’ve thought of Brett Favre’s face while he’s having a crisis. I’m sorry.  Anyway, he cried, immediately felt better about the opportunity that Dancing With The Stars could provide in his “I’m Not A Douche, I’m A Great Guy” campaign. He called the producers back and said yes.

Then, they told him that part of the contract included not texting staff members of the show pictures of his penis. Which, by the way, he has lovingly nicknamed “Vlad the Impaler”. Sensing restrictions on his artistry, he said no.

Then he heard that Mischa Barton would be on the show, felt a stirring, deep down in his Wranglers, then said yes.

She suggested he not wear Crocs while dancing. Incensed, he said no.

Then John Madden called, expressed his undying love for Favre and begged him to reconsider. Who can deny John Madden? Favre said yes.

So, near as we can figure, Brett Favre will be on Next Season’s Dancing With The Stars. Having seen the plethora of available internet -based photos of Brett’s trouser snake, I hope he asks the costume designers for an extra sock.

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Breaking News: Favre’s Sister Arrested At Meth Lab

Brandi Favre, younger sister of Brett Favre, was one of five people arrested today at a meth lab in Diamondhead, Mississippi.

Brandi, Miss Teen Mississippi, 1992

This isn’t Brandi’s first trip to the rodeo. She was arrested on a weapons charge associated with a drive-by shooting in 1996 and again for shoplifting in 1999. Big Brother’s website claims Brandi was also Miss Mississippi Teen in 1992, but her name does not appear on the canonical website of Mississippi pageant winners.

Update, Thursday, 1:40 p.m.: Brandi’s bond was set at $40,000 in a hearing today. Charges were manufacturing methamphetamine (or “cooking meth,” as it’s more affectionately called.) and generating hazardous waste. Hancock (Miss.) County Sheriff’s Maj. Matt Karl said that officers are “very familiar” with Favre. “She’s always in trouble.”


This time around, if convicted, Brandi Favre faces up to $1 million in fines and up to 30 years in prison on each count.
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