Mind you, I’m not complaining, as it’s the primary reason we can get tickets to good games at a reasonable (yet still astronomical) price — hell, it’s a lot easier to attend a game when you don’t have to duke it out with Andy Garcia for courtside seats (which, by the way, are ONE TENTH of the price here vs. LA) — but you know, it makes attendance a little less exciting knowing that the best rendition of the national anthem you’re going to get is MAAAAYBE James Taylor, and that’s if it’s a super-special day. Otherwise, it’s the girlfriend of one of the dudes who put in a decent performance at the Beanpot.

But I digress. The point is, for Boston, Shaq might be the biggest sports celebrity — hell, ANY celebrity — we’ve ever seen. Ever! Okay, yes, fine, we have Tom (and Gisele), but Shaq is the biggest celebrity we have whom I actually can tolerate! And LIKE, even!

And friends, he’s moving to my town. My NOT VERY LARGE, half-wealthy, half-not (guess which half I live in?) western suburb of the big (HA!) city. This is thrilling only because Shaq, a power user on Twitter, has been known to broadcast his whereabouts so that fans can essentially stalk him to say hello.

I’m so stalking Shaq, preferably at a D’Angelo’s, where I can munch on a nice No. 9 sub while I wait to make my move. Or better yet, what if … what if we shop at the same grocery store? What if, over the sweet aroma of the organic watermelons, he makes all of my Celtics dreams come true, if you know what I’m saying, AND I THINK YOU MIGHT?

(Ew, honestly, I just grossed myself out there. I LIKE Shaq, but I do not like him, like him. As if it matters.)

Seriously, who could resist this?

Call me, Shaq! We’ll talk about the season, and I’ll tell you where to get the best produce! Have your people call my people!

{Photo credit: People.com}

It seems that Mr. Stephenson pushed his girlfriend and baby mama down the stairs in their home.

Actually, I noticed a couple of things that seem off about this whole situation.

Why, if he’s only 19, does he have a two-year-old, with his 21-year-old girlfriend?

Also, did he not realize he had everything going for him? He just signed a $700,000 one-year deal, with $500,000 for his second year with the Pacers. That’s $1.2 million for playing ball for two years, something that he loves to do.

Why is young Mr. Stephenson following the example of so many professional athletes?

Silly, stupid boy.

Why is this such a trend with professional athletes? Are we paying them too much money, attention, or adulation? I’m thinking it’s the adulation and the ego that comes from it.

Do athletes need to start taking classes in high school about how to act like contributing members of society? Scratch that, do they need to start in pre-school?

Stephenson is not new to breaking the law. At 17 he was busted for sexually abusing a 17-year-old girl inside his high school, the  same school where he won four city championships and was the leading scorer in New York State history.

He’s such a super-awesome example for our young men to follow.

Maybe if he would have had better examples when he was a young man he would be able to make better decisions now, as he’s starting his professional career.

***Update***

Apparently his girlfriend didn’t answer her phone while on a girls’ night out and he ambushed her when she came home. He didn’t mean to hurt her, it just happened.

DUH she didn’t answer her phone. She’s not supposed to.

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Former Cavalier/Grizzly/King/Hawk/Clipper Lorenzen Wright.

I have this strong urge to photoshop a picture of him into one of those “Where’s Waldo” cartoons, and I probably would, but this isn’t funny at all. Nobody knows where Lorenzen is. The last time anybody saw him or heard from him is when he visited his ex-wife and kids on July 18th.

When the ex-wife and the mother of a 34-year-old 6′ 11″ NBA Center are worried enough to file a missing persons report that the police say they are taking “very, very seriously” there is reason to be uneasy.

I hope they find Lorenzen alive, well and refreshed after some quiet time.

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[photo: espn.com]

Sarah wonders how you lose a guy who is almost seven feet tall.

photo by Matt Freed, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Kaye Young Cowher, wife of former Pittsburgh Steelers coach and CBS football analyst Bill Cowher, passed away after a battle with melanoma in North Carolina on July 23.

She was an accomplished athlete in her own right, playing basketball on a full scholarship along with her identical twin sister Faye at NC State, and later in the Women’s Professional Basketball league for three seasons. (Yes, the twins did commercials, including Doublemint gum and Dannon yogurt.) She was also a tireless advocate and fundraiser for Family Resources Inc., a Pittsburgh-based child abuse prevention and treatment agency.

Kaye Cowher was not always visible in Pittsburgh. She stayed out of the limelight, raising her three daughters in as normal and private a home as possible. She was so private that her illness was not common knowledge, and her passing came as a shock. Bill Cowher’s resistance to coaching offers makes a bit more sense now.

Here is his statement:

Sadly, my wife Kaye lost her battle with cancer on Friday. Kaye was such a loving and compassionate person and she was the foundation of our family. Kaye was always at my side throughout my career as a player, coach, NFL analyst and, most importantly, as a parent to our three daughters Meagan, Lauren and Lindsay. They will miss their mother dearly.

Our condolences to the Cowher family.

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Pierce and Garnett hold back an angry LeBron after a fan says his jersey makes him look fat.

Am I saying I could beat up LeBron James? Nope. I’m just saying I would give it a shot if he wanted a piece.  At 5′10″, 162, I would use my smallness to my advantage. My initial strategy would be to hide somewhere in his clothing, maybe his pocket or in his shoe. From there I would begin a vicious assault on his joints, or maybe even climb into an orifice and take him from the inside out like an angry squirrel in an attic full of wires.

Allow me to clear up the debate: LeBron isn’t fit to carry MJ’s jock strap. If any comparison can be made to MJ among the current players, let’s talk about Kobe Bryant.  Had he not been accused of rape several years ago, he would be doing Hanes commercials and kids across America would be wearing Air Kobes.

Kobe Bryant was well on his way, and now with 5 championships under his belt and all with entirely different supporting casts (sound familiar?), it begs the question, “Is Kobe the next MJ?”. Let’s break it down:

Leader who elevates his teammates’ game. Check.

Killer jump shot. Check.

Top-notch defender. Check.

Takin’ it to the hole, baby. Check.

Three-pointer. (Kobe better from beyond the arc?)

Want the ball in his hands when game is on the line. Check.

One hand covered with rings. Check.

I’ve always found him to be a little smug, though as he’s aged, Kobe has seemed to humble (despite his continued accomplishments) and has become more MJ-like in just about every way.  My point is, let’s look past LeBron’s enormous potential and pay a little attention to the guy who is actually doing it right before our eyes.  Kobe Bryant may be the best basketball player we’ve ever seen, and for whatever reason, we’d rather not acknowledge it.

But enough about Kobe, let’s talk about his royal highness, King James. In an interview, Michael would clear it all up for us. After a recent celebrity golf tournament in Nevada, he succinctly, in true MJ fashion, wrapped up why LeBron will never be Michael Jordan:

“There’s no way, with hindsight, I would’ve ever called up Larry, called up Magic and said, ‘Hey, look, let’s get together and play on one team. But that’s … things are different. I can’t say that’s a bad thing. It’s an opportunity these kids have today. In all honesty, I was trying to beat those guys.”

I was trying to beat those guys.

There you have it. The best wants to play against the best, not play with the best (unless it was to humiliate third-world countries on a global stage).

The Miami Heat may go on to win a championship. They may win five. But this also wouldn’t be the first time a sports team has assembled incredible talent and failed to bring home a championship. I certainly hope this is one of those cases.

Cleveland is known for its status as pretty much the poorest city in the country. Now, that’s not LeBron’s fault, but he is the only one who has ever been in a position to literally save Cleveland. I’m not being dramatic. A championship sports franchise can make a city, bringing billions to a local economy, thousands and thousands of jobs, and literal happiness for sports fans who’ve been gettting the short end of the stick for… ever.

LeBron was in a position to put Cleveland on the sports map for something other than being historic losers, and literally change the way a whole city was perceived by every sports fan in the country. It’s not LeBron’s fault that all of that was resting on his shoulders, it just was.

“With great talent, comes great responsibility.”

Like I said. It’s not LeBron’s fault a whole city depended on him. I mean, hey, he just came to play basketball and all these problems existed before he got here. So he’s going to take what he needs and move on, leaving those people with all the same problems they had before.

It reminds me of those old westerns. You know, the ones where the hero gunslinger rides into the town that’s been terrorized by bandits and as he’s getting supplies, the people are explaining how this gang comes in every couple of weeks, steals their children and burns their houses down. And then the hero gets all mad and squinty-eyed (Clint Eastwood) and says, “Bummer. Good luck with that. On my way to par-taaaaaay in South Beach.”

Sometimes in life you find yourself in a position where you can positively touch millions of lives, lives that could really use it. And as is usually the case, it might come along with some personal sacrifice. In my mind, these are the kinds of decisions that define who you really are.

For me, LeBron has told me everything I will ever need to know about him. He’s not a hero, just a selfish guy out for his. He has become the shining example of the ugly side of professional sports, and more importantly, the ugly side of people. Sometimes we all need a hero, and LeBron is not it.

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MayoPie likes sports. He has a blog, too.

So it goes for my hero, Dan Gilbert. David Stern just dropped a 100K bomb on Danny boy for his Comic Sans diatribe criticizing LeBron James and his “THE DECISION.” Reading his comments, it’s not exactly clear what his violation was, other than going a little batshit insaney. Presumably this is well within his rights as a citizen, but under the thumb of ol’ Dave and the NBA, it is not so. You might say the slaver has become the slavee . . . ? But if you did, you wouldn’t be making much sense.

Best I can tell, Gilbert’s comments were a little too much? I’m not sure. See if you can figure it out:

I think that remarks by Dan Gilbert, the owner of the Cavaliers, catalyzed as they may have been by hurt with respect to the manner and the fact for himself, his team, and particularly for the people of Cleveland, though understandable, were ill-advised and imprudent. I have notified Cleveland that they will be fined $100,000 for those remarks under my power as Commissioner.

100G for being ill-advised and imprudent? Damn. I’d hate to be David Stern Jr. dropping that first, accidental f-bomb in front of mom and dad.

Fine. Dan Gilbert gets fined. But does LeBron get fined for being a doucher? No, he does not. Despite the fact LeBron’s spectacle was “ill-conceived, badly produced and poorly executed.” He gets off with some soft-pedaled criticism that he’s likely never to hear about. Why nothing for LeBron? Stern loved every minute of it. He says that LeBron should have informed the Cavs of his decision before announcing, thereby allowing Cleveland to pursue free agents who signed before the announcement. But, don’t believe it for a minute. The greater the number of teams presumably involved in the BronStakes means the greater the ratings, means the greater the exposure for the NBA. And make no mistake the market share in northeast Ohio was huge. (Personally, I did not watch as I was involved in an intense over-30 co-ed indoor soccer game. We (Go Bolts!) got the 6-2 win; thanks for asking.)

To wit:

In Cleveland, “The Decision” drew a staggering 26 rating — meaning more than one in four homes had TVs tuned to ESPN to see James say he was leaving his hometown Cavaliers for the Miami Heat.

In Miami, the show had a 12.8 rating.

Why only less than half of the love in Miami as Cleveland? Miamiahams were all busy smuggling drugs into the country. Oh, I kid. Actually, they were all on the beach having sex with multiple supermodels and increasing their likelihood of contracting skin cancer and gonorrhea – simultaneously. It can’t be ALL fun and sex on the beach, you know. While here in Cleveland besides watch that train wreck all we would have had to do was shovel snow. Why not take a break to enjoy some hot cocoa and superstar back-stabbing? We were accused of overreacting after the announcement, but we only burn his jerseys to keep warm.

Fortunately for Cavs fans, this fine shouldn’t hurt the franchise too much. I mean, bottom line, we are fucked. 100 large here or there isn’t going to make much of a difference.

So David Stern, I fine you $78.52 for being so arbitrary and enigmatic. I am not greedy, but I am in need of a new Mo Williams jersey.

[photo: Tony Dejack]

[photo: Clark]

Confused?

There will be 4 extra teams chosen to participate. The final two teams to receive at-large bids, and the final two teams to automatically qualify, will play against each other to decide who moves on to the Big Dance and the field of 64.

They have been talking about expanding the Tourney for years. Every year there is bound to be many bubble teams who don’t make the tournament and every year those teams and their fans call for expansion. There was talk of expanding to 96 teams, which is just kind of ridiculous, so I’m glad the NCAA went this route.

These “First Four” teams and their games should start the tournament off on an exciting foot. No longer will it be just two small schools playing against each other to determine who gets their ass kicked by the number one seeded team.

Now these games are going to be more hyped up, with schools that have larger national audiences and fan bases. These will no longer be throw-away games. Well, one still will be. The automatic qualifiers will play each other, and that game will still be for a chance to lose to number one seed. But the other game, between the final two at-large teams, will be for a chance to be higher than a 16 seed. Those two teams will fill in as a number 12 or number 10, wherever that at-large bid was placed in the seeding.

“The teams selected for these games will be like teams,” tournament selection committee chairman Dan Guerrero said. “We felt if we were going to expand the field it would create better drama for the tournament if the First Four was much more exciting. They could all be on the 10 line or the 12 line or the 11 line. We won’t know until the seeding takes place and the principles and procedures are used and the teams are slotted appropriately.”

In addition, the even bigger news is that this will be the first time that the final “at-large” teams will be revealed. In the past the at-large teams were scattered around the bracket, usually no higher than a 12-seed. Most people guessed who the at-large bids were. But this year it will be publically announced and you’ll know just how close your team was to the bubble.

What do you think of this new Tournament expansion?

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“Water is wet,” says Cuban. “And frankly, I find it offensive.”

Look, I don’t mean to make light of the situation entirely. I have no doubt that there was a level of collusion among LeBoshade. Of course there was. You don’t bring three egos of that size together without a tacit agreement, and the scores of teams that unloaded contract after contract hoping for a piece of one of the big free agents have obviously suffered, which means the fans will suffer. That sucks.

But ugh, Mark Cuban, ugh. When he first appeared on the scene, I found him refreshing. A true maverick, if you will, said in my best Sarah Palin voice (OH A PUN, HOW CHARMING). An outsider with a high-tech fortune, I cheered as he accepted fine after fine (and matched them with charitable contributions) for his rages against the league and referees. He said a lot of what the fans were thinking, and his fortune enabled him to stand up for his players like no other owner in the league.

Somewhere along the line, however, it stopped being charming (probably right around the time he started harassing players’ mothers about their “thuggy” sons), and I started wondering who died and left Mark Cuban the arbiter of the NBA? And worse, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but what kind of example is he to his players, his management? The lack of discipline was astonishing, and in a land where egos rule supreme, an owner who’s too busy feeding his own overweening sense of self has no business or ability to manage others.

And besides, if Cleveland and Toronto are leaving it alone, why shouldn’t he? Tampering is nearly impossible to prove, as all collusion must be tied back to the express directives of team management — not just the players — and is loosely enforced, at best. If Cuban is really going to go after any sort of NBA reform, I’d put tampering at the bottom of the list. Otherwise, he just looks like a crybaby, I’m sorry. CRYBABY CUBAN IN THE HOUSE.

So really, Mark Cuban, shut up. Because if you ask me, this team will self-destruct in due time on its own. This is Wade’s team — or was — and methinks he’s not nearly magnanimous enough to tolerate LeBron’s antics, and Chris Bosh is practically going to fade into obscurity next to these two, and there’s no way he’ll be happy about that. A team of three big players can work (Hello, Celtics), but none of these three dudes have the maturity and experience to do what needs to be done to make it happen.

[photo: EW.com]

Jonniker is raising a toddler in Boston a time where the Celtics lost to the Lakers and the entire Red Sox organization is injured.

When someone else made up a Twitter account for King LeBron (James.) (Can you stop saying that? Because I can’t. Something in that LeBron James’s name’s water, makes me wanna holla. James. LeBron.)

Okay, let me (LeBron) stop (James.) STOPIT.

When someone else made up a Twitter account for this guy, they focused on what everyone has seemed to be focusing on since this whole surreal odyssey of LeRobn Jemas (see what I did there?) began approximately 37 years ago:

Ego, yes. There is a lot of talk of this man’s ego. There is much talk of LeBron James, period, actually. Can you stop talking about him? I barely can.

Anyway, since he pulled his stunt last night wherein he went to a Boys and Girls’ Club in Connecticut and made an announcement about his future in some kind of weird, robotic fashion, I saw it. When he told the worst interviewer in the world that he had woken up with a vision of what he ought to do, about how much he had done for Cleveland and how much Cleveland could suck it, I saw it. And when he went on in a vague, irritating fashion about how he was going to go to Miami and form a super team of sorts (albeit a team of three) with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh, I saw it.

He basically said his mom and God were responsible for his decision, and whereas I’m not so inclined to bicker with either of those deities, I can’t help but think that they may not have been the only decision-makers here.

I am biased. I feel badly for Ohio. I understand making business decisions, and I understand that pro sports is about some weird things across the board. But here’s what I don’t understand:

1. Not telling your boss first that you’re leaving.

2. Not quitting at home, and spending maybe millions of dollars on a television spectacle that is the upscale equivalent of an it’s-not-you-it’s-me text message. Whatever happened to putting a letter on someone’s desk? And yes, I understand that proceeds from this show went to kids, and that Ohio will see some of that money. But if Cleveland was home, if Cleveland meant a lot, he should have quit in Cleveland.

And don’t get me started on the University of Phoenix scholarships. Last time I checked, the Ohio community college system or maybe even Cleveland State could use the boost.

Holla.

And I don’t really even have a problem with him leaving his hometown. People move on, people make decisions. But to try to leave with at least a semblance of goodwill would have likely resulted in far fewer burned jerseys (which is an idiotic move, to be sure. I’m not into setting things on fire, even if its Ebay value just completely tanked.)

Sorry. If you ‘re a big man, you do big man things, bigger than sending back rubber shoes, even.

If you have the big ego of a man, you do whatever it tells you to do.  And in this case, I think that’s definitely what was in charge.

1. Fuck you LeBron James. I hope you enjoy syphilis and the itchy, festering sores. Because if there’s any justice in this world, that is what you will have contracted in the next 2 to 3 weeks. I almost joined Twitter to tell him the same, but I’m like web 0.5 and was unable to navigate the registration process.
2. For the sake of everyone, I think the best outcome would be a meteor strike at the Heat home game #1.
3. That dude in white pants that got arrested in Cleveland for doing something is also my hero. Riot on white pants guy! Normally my rule is that only Eurotrash and Mark Twain are ok to wear white pants, but forever more I am amending that to include dudes who get arrested rioting over LeBron James leaving his “home” and all that other bullshit he’s been feeding us for the past seven years.
4. Point the fourth, mouth herpes. It’s not the worst venereal disease except EVERYONE KNOWS YOU HAVE IT.
5. Despite my inability to navigate technology, I did call my buddy on my pay-as-you-go cellphone to tell him Dan Gilbert’s statement was perhaps the greatest thing released in the history of mankind, dudes-leaving-as-free-agents division. Fuck, if I spend a dollar to call a buddy about something, you know it has to be good. ($97.63 remaining – thanks for asking.)
6. Some people hate Cleveland. How do you hate Cleveland? Bob Hope? That dead fuck! Drew Carey – some fat lovable guy – so irritating with his Price Is Right hosting! Shake your fist violently, curmudgeon! I hate that Cleveland, always losing to my teams in the playoffs and whatnot!

These points have very little to do with anything, but sometimes you need to vent.

Even Jay-Z couldn't get LeBron to New York.

Moving on, LeBron is a prick. Let’s not mince words. He was supposed to be one of us. Fuck, I mean, people randomly hate Cleveland – just because. Just because they don’t want to live here, I guess. Fine. Don’t move here. But we’re supposed to circle the wagons. We’re supposed to understand each other. And boy, LeBron has been on-board with that, so long as it served his “image.”

Ok, so maybe I wasn’t done venting.

I am not a cynic. At least I try not to be. I try not to be negative in life and all day, I was holding strong. It just didn’t seem right that he’d leave like this. You know, with all the hoopla and the hour-long presser. And he called the fucking thing THE DECISION. I mean, ok, if you know anything about Cleveland sports, you know about: THE shot, THE drive, THE fumble. All day, I was thinking, “He’s not that big of an asshole is he? An hour long fuck off? Really? Naming his show along the lines of historic Cleveland sports failures? Just a parting double fuck you? He CAN’T be that tone-deaf. Can he? And he’s going to run out some boys and girls club’s kids to make him not seem like a complete fuckface?” I guess, yes, he can. I mean, go. Leave. We’ll deal with it, but don’t rub it in our faces.

Anyway, this post is supposed to be about Dan Gilbert’s statement. Now, at the bar tonight (you know it!), we were discussing Gilbert/the Cavs. A buddy asked if I thought Gilbert would “take the high road.” I said no. I thought he would take shots. Boy, was I soft-pedaling it.

Let’s go to the letter where I’ll pick some choice quotes:

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

Uh, this is pretty much 100% objectively accurate.

You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

Love it.

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”

Ok, he’s totally talking out of his ass right here. I mean, the Cavs roster has been getting undeservedly bashed lately. The fact of the matter is that they were constructed to complement James. If LeBron plays like shit (see 2010 playoffs), then the team suffers. They went as he went. He augmented them. Did he stand up and take responsibility for quitting on the team? Well, no, he’d never do that. But, even I, as a defender of LeBron for years had to admit that he quit. He flat gave up, I can only assume because he wanted to pave the way to leaving. Now he can say, “My teammates weren’t good enough.” And if you haven’t watched LeBron closely all these years (and I have seen probably 90 percent of his NBA games) you might not appreciate that.

That said, this team is probably lucky to be .500. And the moves they’ve made to try to help LeBron over the past few years have left them with few picks and little cap room. So let’s just say that we probably won’t be raising a banner come next year.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

This can mean only one thing: Cyborgs. We will dominate.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

I don’t think he’s talking about assassination, but I’m not exactly sure what this means.

The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

I WANT to believe in karma, but LeBron is really good. I think he can trump karma with talent, but I like the olden-timey hex. Nice.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day….

I heard it was going to be cloudy tomorrow, whereas today was bright and sunny!

That’s about it for the letter. Now, I have absolutely zero problem with it, despite complaints about a lack of “professionalism.” This is sports, man. This isn’t diplomacy. He’s not negotiating a Middle East peace treaty. Finally, someone is taking our side. Someone is speaking for us. It takes a guy from Detroit to say something on our behalf and I have absolutely zero problem with it. God bless him.

Furthermore, I don’t buy talk of professionalism in regards to sports. It’s borderline retarded that I’m writing a thousand plus words about this. Sports is all about emotion and irrationality and trash-talking. It’s not about bullshit PC statements wishing some asshole luck on his imagined CYO buddy-buddy basketball team. Fuck that. It would have been hollow bullshit for Gilbert to say that. Speak on Dan!

Now, it sounds like he’s going to take this to the mattresses and Lord knows what he’s going to end up saying. Maybe I’ll have a problem with something he eventually says. Maybe after I’m a little less pissed off, I’ll let go of the anger and I’ll think he crossed some kind of line. But not with this. This is fantastic and needed to be said. Until Stuart Scott asks, “Hey King James – do you realize how fucking idiotic you’re making yourself look right now?” I’m glad at least someone with some kind of public megaphone will take up for us.

You know, sports suck like – what? – 85 percent of the time. You can’t tell me to care and watch and write for this blog and then to not personally hate LeBron for leaving. Even if it’s stupid, even if it’s unjustified. I kind of hate that I care that much. I hate that I hate him now, but such is life and such is sports fandom.

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Roger is from Cleveland.