All posts in Basketball

NBA Cancels First Two Weeks of Season, No One Seems to Care

By | October 11, 2011 | Basketball, NBA | 2 Comments

So to the surprise of no one, NBA owners and players failed to reach a deal yesterday, meaning the lockout will continue and at least the first two weeks of the season will be cancelled.

“We had certainly hoped it would never come to this,” said Commissioner David Stern.

Really?  Maybe you hoped it wouldn’t, but you pretty much guaranteed it would.  As Billy Hunter, executive director of the players’ union, put it, this was “preordained.”    ”We probably need to miss a few games for them to be convinced there is resolve among the players,” Hunter added.

I’m not a collective bargaining expert, but I can offer the following highly technical summary of negotiations thus far:  The owners and the players are still really far apart.  Players and owners are talking a lot, in very serious voices, about hard cap v soft cap, revenue sharing, Larry Bird exceptions, luxury taxes, other stuff about money, more money stuff, players want money, owners prefer to keep money, etc etc oh my god make it stop.

This lockout has been going on for over 100 days. And yet? No one seems to care. Football is exciting and going gangbusters (Lions 5-0? Say what?)  Hockey has started back up (did I ever imagine I’d one day consider hockey a more exciting and marketable sport in the US than basketball? No I did not, and yet here we are.)  And we always have college basketball, where people actually play defense and seem to care about being on a team instead of just showing off their individual skills.

So maybe I’m biased, because *I* certainly don’t care, but from where I sit? Take all the time you need, NBA dudes. No one really seems to miss you anyway.

If You’re Going To Install A Basketball Goal, Do It Right

By | September 29, 2011 | Basketball | Comments Off

My buddy and I used to shoot a lot of hoops in his driveway until the backboard fell off the side of the house. I know you’re thinking it was probably a result of my monster dunking skills, and yes, nothing could be further from the truth. I used to be able to touch the rim, but now I just look at it on television and scream things like, “What are you doing?! Where’s your head?!”

In one way or the other, basketball has touched most of our lives, whether it be shooting some hoops with a loved one or a great player stepping onto the world stage and becoming a household name. But what many of us remember is playing a little one-on-one with our dads and wanting to relive that experience with our own children by having a basketball hoop installed. Either that or like many kids, yours love to play basketball and a well installed hoop can keep a child entertained for hours and even years.

I’m not saying, “Don’t you want to get your child away from you?” Not at all. I’m just saying that other than an XBOX, shooting baskets is still the one thing a child can do on his/her own, with friends, and be fine with it either way. I haven’t seen a child outside in years. I thought we might have stopped making them.

Basketball hoop heart

To me, nothing is sadder than pulling on a street and seeing a basketball hoop laying on its side. I typically stare at the house and think, “What could possibly be going on in there where they could let that happen?” Then I look away in disgust. You’ve seen what I’m talking about.

Then other times, you see one of those awesome in-ground basketball hoops or a professionally roof-mounted basketball goal and you think, “those people thought about the future.” These things take a beating and need to be done correctly. That’s why if you’re going to do it, call Pro Dunk Hoops. They’ve thought of everything.

For instance, If you have a small child, he or she is probably going to grow.  This process can take up to 18 years (I looked it up).  The people at Pro Dunk Hoops have also figured this out. They know that not only do you need a hoop that grows with your child, but also needs to be durable enough to withstand the elements and the constant beating a backboard can take, especially when a grown man like me lowers it to eight feet and jams it with authority before hanging on the rim and screaming, “I’m the King! I’m the King!” That’s why they offer a height adjustable in-ground basketball hoop that’s designed for your children, but durable enough for my adult shenanigans. They even have a lifetime warranty.

The point of all this is that if you’re going to install a basketball goal, do it right. Have the professionals install it, guarantee it and make sure it’s done safely. Family owned and operated since 1984, Pro Dunk Hoops offers fixed height in-ground basketball goals, adjustable height in-ground basketball goals and roof mounted basketball goals that are made to last, installed by experts and will never, ever be on their side, unless a lot of other stuff at your house is also on its side, in which case you’ve got bigger problems than playing basketball.

Image courtesy of Chapparal on Flickr, used under Creative Commons.

Sarah Palin and Glen Rice Had Sex One Time, Maybe

By | September 15, 2011 | Bad calls, Basketball, NBA | 4 Comments

The non-news out of everywhere today was that Republican presidential once-and-also-maybe-now-ran Sarah Palin (also ex-governor of Alaska, remember?) had a one-night stand, doing the sex with former NBA star Glen Rice of the Miami Heat.

Yes. Sarah Palin allegedly had sex with a basketball player when she was a sports reporter in Alaska in the years of aught-something.

Beer me.

Here is Exhibit A, Glen Rice, looking happy.

:

That is not Sarah Palin in those teensy shorts. That is his former wife Cristina Fernandez-Rice.

She stood on things to pretend she was tall, sometimes, too. Also there was a fan in that room, and they greased him up to put him in those bad, bad jeans.

Those images are also from a site called Baller Wives, so you know, there’s that.

(Getting some air, BRB.)

Okay so basically those jeans (who lets a guy wear those jeans????) made me forget my hypothesis or thesis or topic sentence here. Damn you, Internet.

Cristina Fernandez Rice does not give a damn.

Cristy is @CubanRice on Twitter, if you’d like to add that follow to your repertoire.

So okay, Sarah Palin is now an also-ran political lightning rod wild card. Glen Rice is doing something somewhere, after getting the requisite NBA star arrest for going after a dude who was (I am not making this up) trapped in his wife’s closet. Cristina, now Cristy Fernandez Rice, was featured on the Real Housewives of Miami, and Glen was most recently known as the owner and head of G-Force Fights, based out of Miami, Florida.

Sarah Palin allegedly hooked up with Mr. Rice, who, it must be said, may not be unappealing, jeanless. It is now seven thousand years past the date when that happened, one must undoubtedly assume, awkwardly, at some sort of media meet and greet. I mean, really? How many years ago was this? They could have had sex in pilgrim times, for our purposes here. Also, neither were married at the time. And yes, Sarah Palin, she of the “Todd is gone for months, nay years, at a time,” and “Yes, my daughter had a baby and isn’t married but what? So? (And really. What? So?) is a big old abstinence proponent. But y’all know what they say about do as I say and not as I do.

And please, to be clear, it’s not that I’m supporting you booking a flight to Miami in the interests of hooking up with Glen Rice. MMA is a rough world. You don’t need that kind of trouble. I look out for you. I really do.

I think my favorite quote about this story is that it’s too outlandishly random not to be true, with she “hauled his ass down” a close second. Hi National Enquirer, and also every other news outlet everywhere now.

Thankfully for Rice he was the all-time leading scorer at the University of Michigan, because keeping that at the top of your score card above sex with Sarah Palin? Good call.

Just know that I — still — blame John McCain. For everything.

Ron Artest Dancing With the Stars

By | August 31, 2011 | Basketball, Celebrity Athletes | 2 Comments

Ron Artest is going to do the cha-cha for you.

I mean I really hope he does, and we only have to wait until September 19 or thereabouts to find out. That’s when Ron — not yet legally renamed Metta World Peace, due to some outstanding traffic warrants — will join the likes of Nancy Grace, Chaz Bono and Ricki Lake, and make his debut on Dancing With the Stars.

I am an eternally hopeful soul, but this is the somewhat disappointing first image that appeared when I googled “Ron Artest Dancing”

Are those finger guns? It just never ends.

Sad. No soft shoe to be had, anywhere, just that terrible, terrible Lakers…caftan?…that David Arquette is wearing. I hope Courteney Cox got that in the settlement.

ANYway, Ron is the first of the NBA stars — and the other athlete this season, along with soccer player Hope Solos — to join his NFL peers in their attempts to make a little coin and occupy their time during an off-season and protracted potential lockout. Remember Ocho at the rodeo? Hines Ward showing up on DWTS too? No? I know. I try to forget it too. Except for this. Never forget.

Ron Artest aka World Peace denied his Dancing turn just the day before, saying he was working on his new single (PS Ron would like you to “cop his new single”) and besides, he couldn’t rock the gear.

I just can’t dance. They asked me, but I just didn’t feel comfortable wearing a leotard.

Ron also had an offer from the Cheshire Jets to play ball in England, while waiting to find out if he and his peers would make jillions or merely squillions more dollars than the average person come wintertime. However, his daughter Diamond, a cancer survivor, asked him to do Dancing With the Stars instead, and he said okay, because he is clearly not a hard-hearted sort when it comes to his little girl. He indicates that he will donate any potential earnings to cancer research.

At first it was not appealing. I did not want to do it. I don’t dance and all of the dressing up and everything, but my daughter Diamond was like, Daddy, you should do it.

That means that no matter what I see on my tv in a few weeks, Ron did a good thing. He is also going to have a very busy early fall, because he says that he will indeed pay his parking tickets, change his name, and have the celebratory name-change barbecue on September 16 like he originally planned.

I’ll pay them off. I didn’t take classes on how to pay parking tickets. I’m taking classes. Anything you don’t know, you have to learn in college. Just don’t park at meters you’re not supposed to park at.

Ron Artest. Buddha. Same difference. And given my memory of him diving into the stands to beat up that fan several years ago? I think he’s probably going to be just fine in the grace department. I’m just going to suggest we all set some goals for September, because I don’t know about you, but so far this guy is running circles around me.

(Check this space. This may be too appealing not to liveblog. Just saying.)

NBA Lockout Handbook: Don’t Act Really Rich

By | August 31, 2011 | Basketball, NBA | 1 Comment

After the 1998 labor dispute, NBA players learned their lesson about crying poor mouth to the struggling public. And as Patrick Ewing said back then, athletes “make a lot of money, but they also spend a lot of money.” Amen, Patrick. Strippers don’t grow on trees, unless, of course, you have the kind of money that can have a team of scientists genetically engineer stripper-tree seeds so you can grow them hydroponically in your master bedroom closet. If I made 24.8 million last year, that’s what I would do. And chances are, that’s exactly what Kobe is doing, too, but you won’t hear him bragging about it.

That’s right, NBA players are smarter now and learning lessons from the past. You won’t hear any more complaining about $75,000 car insurance bills or the outrageous expenditures associated with partying, Mercedes maintenance bills and… golden accessories. Nope. Derek Fisher has issued a handbook explaining to the players that people without money hate it when people with money complain about not having any.

This phenomenon dates back to when people began exchanging shiny things for food and IKEA furniture, and the one who accumulated the most shiny things would sit on his shiny pile and complain about having to always guard this massive pile of shiny stuff. “A burden” he would call it.

This enraged the people without shiny stuff, so he hired some people to protect himself, took on a lot of overhead, called himself “King” and took everyone else’s money to maintain his lavish empire. And so began the endless feud between the haves and have-nots.

Then we all start thinking, “It would take me a million years to make what you make, and my job isn’t fun AT ALL. What do you do all day?” We then might say things like, “What is it again that you do for $14 million per year? You… get to play ball? What’s the catch? Are you on fire when you play? Do the games take place in a cactus field that’s loaded with land mines? Are you playing against the Mexican drug cartels? Can you fly or time travel?”

The answer is “no” to all of the above and why we hate hearing about people who make millions to do something they love (that also happens to be a game) while complaining about making too little, especially right now. This is why Derek Fisher gave out the handbook, so people like Dwyane Wade won’t make jokes about filing for unemployment after making 15 million dollars last year. In his defense, I don’t believe the handbook was out yet.

As you can tell, I have no opinion on the subject. I think it’s great when a seasoned veteran tries to teach the younger players lessons like, “Making sure the public doesn’t think you’re a spoiled asshole” and “Having the bartender pour your Cristal into a Miller can” and shit like that. The key is in that even though you wipe your ass with fifty dollar bills, pretend that you still use toilet paper. Just like everyone else.

The players won’t actually lose anything until November and only if the lockout isn’t resolved. Until then, you might expect to run into NBA stars at places like TJ Maxx, Applebee’s and The Dollar Tree to show us how much they are suffering. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Kia Sol became their preferred mode of transportation, and as one player recently joked, they will now have to “buy items in bulk.”  It’s so funny because that’s the way I do it, and I’m totally poor. They’re finally relating to me AND I LOVE IT.

I don’t know about you, but my perception of this whole thing has completely changed. These are regular joes getting shafted by the man. And the thought of them having to cut back… well, I’m getting all teary-eyed and weepy, almost like I just pulled a “The Notebook” and “Old Yeller’” marathon.

It reminds me of the mine workers, or migrant field workers… or the countless children working in sweatshops across the globe. I’m smelling a super pop-star collaboration here. Bono? Are you listening? We can call it, “NBAID” and get the whole crew together. John Mellencamp (I would have never dropped Cougar, by the way), Neil Young,  Lady GaGa (is that how you spell it?)… I’m talking everyone. Who would not come out for this? Only those without souls, that’s who.

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