All posts in Bad calls

The non-news out of everywhere today was that Republican presidential once-and-also-maybe-now-ran Sarah Palin (also ex-governor of Alaska, remember?) had a one-night stand, doing the sex with former NBA star Glen Rice of the Miami Heat.

Yes. Sarah Palin allegedly had sex with a basketball player when she was a sports reporter in Alaska in the years of aught-something.

Beer me.

Here is Exhibit A, Glen Rice, looking happy.

:

That is not Sarah Palin in those teensy shorts. That is his former wife Cristina Fernandez-Rice.

She stood on things to pretend she was tall, sometimes, too. Also there was a fan in that room, and they greased him up to put him in those bad, bad jeans.

Those images are also from a site called Baller Wives, so you know, there’s that.

(Getting some air, BRB.)

Okay so basically those jeans (who lets a guy wear those jeans????) made me forget my hypothesis or thesis or topic sentence here. Damn you, Internet.

Cristina Fernandez Rice does not give a damn.

Cristy is @CubanRice on Twitter, if you’d like to add that follow to your repertoire.

So okay, Sarah Palin is now an also-ran political lightning rod wild card. Glen Rice is doing something somewhere, after getting the requisite NBA star arrest for going after a dude who was (I am not making this up) trapped in his wife’s closet. Cristina, now Cristy Fernandez Rice, was featured on the Real Housewives of Miami, and Glen was most recently known as the owner and head of G-Force Fights, based out of Miami, Florida.

Sarah Palin allegedly hooked up with Mr. Rice, who, it must be said, may not be unappealing, jeanless. It is now seven thousand years past the date when that happened, one must undoubtedly assume, awkwardly, at some sort of media meet and greet. I mean, really? How many years ago was this? They could have had sex in pilgrim times, for our purposes here. Also, neither were married at the time. And yes, Sarah Palin, she of the “Todd is gone for months, nay years, at a time,” and “Yes, my daughter had a baby and isn’t married but what? So? (And really. What? So?) is a big old abstinence proponent. But y’all know what they say about do as I say and not as I do.

And please, to be clear, it’s not that I’m supporting you booking a flight to Miami in the interests of hooking up with Glen Rice. MMA is a rough world. You don’t need that kind of trouble. I look out for you. I really do.

I think my favorite quote about this story is that it’s too outlandishly random not to be true, with she “hauled his ass down” a close second. Hi National Enquirer, and also every other news outlet everywhere now.

Thankfully for Rice he was the all-time leading scorer at the University of Michigan, because keeping that at the top of your score card above sex with Sarah Palin? Good call.

Just know that I — still — blame John McCain. For everything.