In what might be the greatest pop culture story since Woody Harrelson punched a photographer at an airport because he thought the guy was a zombie, over 52,000 people signed a change.org petition to stop Nickelback from playing the halftime show during the Detroit Lion’s game on Thanksgiving Day.
This is how you remind them of who they really are.
Seriously, listen to this wording from the petition.
The NBA fined Micky Arison, owner of the Miami Heat, $500,000 this week for for a few tweets he posted.
What could possibly cost half a million dollars in fines, you ask?
This.
Just call this the day Bocephus broke my heart, and when I ask critically for the first time in my life, “Hank, why do you drink?”
I’m going to go ahead and say that it’s so you can manage to be completely offensive and make absolutely no sense at all, at the same time.
ESPN announced today that Williams’s regular MNF-opening “Are you ready for some football?” tune will not play on this week’s telecast, after reports that the singer and potential Republican senatorial nominee clearly got into the hooch early, comparing President Barack Obama to Adolf Hitler on Fox & Friends today.
Williams said that Speaker of the House Rep. John Boehner and President Obama playing golf together was a mistake, and a move he compared to a game between two far less likely participants:
“That would be like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu. Not hardly. In the shape this country is in?”
To his credit, Fox News host Brian Kilmeade said that he didn’t understand the analogy.
“I’m glad you don’t brother, because a lot of people do,” Williams delusionally continued, in no way clarifying why this game may equate Obama with a psychopath responsible for the deaths of millions of people throughout Europe over the trajectory of a years-long war, or Boehner with the leader of the Israeli coalition government.
Sits down on couch. Opens beer. Sighs. Yep, Hank’s still talking.
“They’re the enemy… Obama! And Biden! Are you kidding? The Three Stooges.”
First of all, that would be The Two Stooges, who I believe may have been a hack imitation carny troupe not at all similar to the three goofballs with bad hair who bonked each other nonsensically in the head in violent and appalling ways, so we also know that Mr. Williams, Jr., can’t count any more than he can reason.
ESPN acted decisively and swiftly following Williams’s interview.
“While Hank Williams, Jr. is not an ESPN employee, we recognize that he is closely linked to our company through the open to Monday Night Football.” they said in a statement. “We are extremely disappointed with his comments, and as a result we have decided to pull the open from tonight’s telecast.”
ESPN says they haven’t decided if they’ll bring Wackadoo Williams’s song and visual presence back in future editions of MNF, which means two things: somewhere in the corners of country music land, Toby Keith is laminating his Democratic membership card, and Faith Hill is shinying up her pleather pantsuit.
This is a rough one. “Family Tradition” is a bit of an anthem in my weird house, and now we’ll have to pick a new one.
Dammit, Hank. I really wanted you to be cool — or at least, you know, not to be a totally off-base nutjob.
I’m reading through my sports feed when I see that Sebastian Janikowski has been charged with a crime. Again.
(No, it is not making this face.)
Well, there is a story I want to read.
First of all, I am a sucker for a good player arrest. Second of all, I like Sebasian Janikowski’s arrests because besides the DUI, he was once charged with bribery and felony possession of GHB. These aren’t your run of the mill NFL crimes. This is no concealed weapons charge. He almost got deported for the GHB thing.
Now he is accused of false imprisonment, an accusation that puts the bribery charge to shame!
He (allegedly) falsely imprisoned a woman. Who does that? That is a messed up crime, even for a kicker. Even for an Oakland Raider!
It is like he read a pamphlet on weird things to do wrong. Next Janikowski will be tying cows to parking meters or hunting whales without a permit.
The Raiders CEO says it is old news. I say to Amy Trask that doesn’t make it any less funny.
Mr. Janikowski has also been arrested for bar fights and underage possession of alcohol.
[photo: Doug Benc]
The non-news out of everywhere today was that Republican presidential once-and-also-maybe-now-ran Sarah Palin (also ex-governor of Alaska, remember?) had a one-night stand, doing the sex with former NBA star Glen Rice of the Miami Heat.
Yes. Sarah Palin allegedly had sex with a basketball player when she was a sports reporter in Alaska in the years of aught-something.
Beer me.
Here is Exhibit A, Glen Rice, looking happy.
:
That is not Sarah Palin in those teensy shorts. That is his former wife Cristina Fernandez-Rice.
She stood on things to pretend she was tall, sometimes, too. Also there was a fan in that room, and they greased him up to put him in those bad, bad jeans.
Those images are also from a site called Baller Wives, so you know, there’s that.
(Getting some air, BRB.)
Okay so basically those jeans (who lets a guy wear those jeans????) made me forget my hypothesis or thesis or topic sentence here. Damn you, Internet.
Cristina Fernandez Rice does not give a damn.
Cristy is @CubanRice on Twitter, if you’d like to add that follow to your repertoire.
So okay, Sarah Palin is now an also-ran political lightning rod wild card. Glen Rice is doing something somewhere, after getting the requisite NBA star arrest for going after a dude who was (I am not making this up) trapped in his wife’s closet. Cristina, now Cristy Fernandez Rice, was featured on the Real Housewives of Miami, and Glen was most recently known as the owner and head of G-Force Fights, based out of Miami, Florida.
Sarah Palin allegedly hooked up with Mr. Rice, who, it must be said, may not be unappealing, jeanless. It is now seven thousand years past the date when that happened, one must undoubtedly assume, awkwardly, at some sort of media meet and greet. I mean, really? How many years ago was this? They could have had sex in pilgrim times, for our purposes here. Also, neither were married at the time. And yes, Sarah Palin, she of the “Todd is gone for months, nay years, at a time,” and “Yes, my daughter had a baby and isn’t married but what? So? (And really. What? So?) is a big old abstinence proponent. But y’all know what they say about do as I say and not as I do.
And please, to be clear, it’s not that I’m supporting you booking a flight to Miami in the interests of hooking up with Glen Rice. MMA is a rough world. You don’t need that kind of trouble. I look out for you. I really do.
I think my favorite quote about this story is that it’s too outlandishly random not to be true, with she “hauled his ass down” a close second. Hi National Enquirer, and also every other news outlet everywhere now.
Thankfully for Rice he was the all-time leading scorer at the University of Michigan, because keeping that at the top of your score card above sex with Sarah Palin? Good call.
Just know that I — still — blame John McCain. For everything.
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