How The Patriots Will Get To The Super Bowl
Step One
Patriots 31, Ravens 30
The Pats roar out to a 28-0 halftime lead over an overwhelmed-looking Baltimore squad. Tom Brady connects with Julian “L’il Wes” Edelman for 8 catches, 119 yards and 3 TDs, while NE LB Tully Banta-Cain sacks BAL QB Joe Flacco a record 14 times.
Following New England’s unsettling pattern of second-half collapses, however (and utilizing the brilliant insight by Baltimore Defensive Coordinator Greg Mattison that the “Let’s put 3 guys on Randy Moss every play” strategy isn’t really working) the Patriots proceed to give up an unanswered 30 points in the 3rd and 4th quarters. A suddenly-revived Joe Flacco – who reportedly spent the entirety of halftime listening to “Eye of the Tiger” over and over again on his Zune - throws for 247 yards and 2 TDs in the third quarter alone, and 4 New England turnovers deep in their own territory lead to one TD (via interception) and 3 field goals.
With 1:15 left in the fourth quarter, NE SS Brandon Meriweather intercepts an errant Flacco pass and returns it to the Baltimore 40. The powerhouse Pats running squad successfully moves the ball forward another six yards in three downs, setting the team up for what proves to be a game-winning field goal by Stephen Gostkowski with 22 seconds remaining.
Following the game, Coach Bill Belichick tells the press, “There were a lot of things we could have done better. Played better, coached better, prepared better, executed better. We’ll be looking at all that as we start to prepare for San Diego. They’re probably the greatest team in NFL history. Best quarterback ever. Best running back ever. Best defense ever. We’ve got a lot of work to do.”
Step Two
Patriots 40, Chargers 37
The Patriots roar out to a commanding 28-10 lead in the first half, despite the fact that midway through the 2nd quarter Tom Brady’s right arm is torn off his body by SD OLB/alleged human Shawne Merriman. America watches transfixed, however, as NE Coach Bill Belichick heals the wound on the sideline via some hitherto unknown combination of fish tacos, Krazy Glue and a mysterious liquid that, post-game, is identified only as “tears of a clown.” Brady returns just before halftime to connect with Julian Edelman for a spectacular 79-yard (all of it in the air!) reception that leads to a Fred Taylor rushing TD.
The second half, however, is a dramatically different story, as SD QB Phillip Rivers connects with WR Vincent Jackson and TE Antonio Gates for TDs. Meanwhile, Tom Brady throw six straight interceptions leading to field goals and TDs by SD RBs Darren Sproles and LaDainian Tomlinson that rocket the Chargers towards what is, by the 2-minute warning in the 4th quarter, a 37-31 lead. The Patriots are able to bring the ball into Chargers’ territory, but an inability to gain a first down leads to a Gostkowski field goal with 1:44 left. The Chargers regain the ball, and begin what viewers presume will be an exercise in clock management.
Just over a minute later, in a move that will be questioned by football pundits for years afterwards, SD Coach Norv Turner decides to acquiesce to Phillip Rivers’ request for “one last passing play to put the nail in these bastards’ coffin.” Taking the hike, Rivers drops back, and – screaming at the New England secondary in a strangely high, tinny voice, “You’re the weakest corners in the league! The weakest corners in the league!” – he lets the ball fly toward Vincent Jackson… when suddenly, out of nowhere, a resurgent Vince Wilfork rises a full 12 feet above the field – almost as if lifted by angels – and catches the ball like a fireman catching a baby falling from a burning building. When he returns to earth, he begins a long, slow rumble toward the end zone that takes a nearly 35 seconds, feels as if it lasts an entire day, and results in a touchdown, a breathtaking last-second Patiots victory, and explosive rejoicing across the entirety of New England.
Following the game, Coach Bill Belichick tells the press, “There were a lot of things we could have done better. Played better. Coached better. Prepared better. Executed better. We’ll be looking at all that as we prepare for Indy next week. They’re probably the greatest team in NFL history. Best quarterback ever. Best defense ever. Rock-solid running game and coaching. We have a lot of work to do.”
Step Three
Patriots 17, Colts 15
The Patriots roar out to a quick 14-0 lead in the first quarter following two lightning strike Tom Brady-Randy Moss TDs on the Pats’ first two possessions. Following the second TD, Indy QB Peyton Manning stalks onto the field with a look of unprecedented ferocity and focus in his eyes. He stands behind his O-line, glaring out at the Pats defense rippling before him in waves of strategic and violent intent, directing and redirecting his squadron, calling out audible after audible after audible, when abruptly his eyes go wide and there is a sound (a sound, all of us who are watching, will remember for the rest of our lives… something like air hissing from a balloon) and suddenly: he is in flames. “My god!” screams Phil Simms. “It’s spontaneous human combustion! For the love of… somebody, put him out! Oh, the humanity!”
But it is too late. Peyton Manning – quarterback, MVP, legend – is gone. Both teams are stunned into silence, but after a TV time out the game resumes. There is no additional scoring before halftime, as both teams move slowly and uneasily on the field.
The second half begins with a brilliant 65-yard kickoff return by the Colts’ TJ Rushing, which ultimately leads to a field goal and Indianapolis, at last, getting on the board. This is followed by six more Tom Brady interceptions, four of which lead to additional Indy field goals — and, as the two-minute warning sounds, the Colts will have pulled to a stunning 15-14 lead. Later, it will be revealed that at halftime Colts Head Coach Jim Caldwell delivered a wrenching “Let’s do it. For Peyton.” speech that left the entire team in tears… and motivated to win.
Unfortunately for the Colts and the memory of Peyton Manning, Stephen Gostkowski once again plays the role of spoiler. He kicks a 47-yard FG with just under a minute left in the game, leading to what turns out to be a game-winning 17-15 score.
Following the game, Patriots Coach Bill Belichick tells the assembled media, “There were a lot of things we could have done better. Played better. Coached better. Prepared better. Executed better. We caught a few breaks, and made the most of them. Peyton Manning spontaneously combusting clearly made a difference, but we’ve got a lot of work to do if we’re going to win in two weeks in Miami. Minnesota’s got a very good team. Probably the best of all time. Best quarterback of all time. Best running back of all time. Best defense of all time. They’re big, strong, fast. We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us.”
Step Four
Patriots vs. Vikings
A battle for the ages. A magically restored Tom Brady – his arm clinging to his body like a shipwreck survivor to a life ring – face-to-face against the 65-year old Brett Favre. Adrian Peterson. Randy Moss. The monster Minnesota D-line. The wit and wisdom of Julian Edelman.
How will this play out? Only time will tell…
But that’s just it: you were going to be the exception, Matt. You were going to be the flower growing through the crack in the concrete. The diamond in the rough. The Wall•E plant taking root and growing on a dead earth. You liked Wall•E, didn’t you, Matt? I can tell. You look like you have a sentimental side, hidden deep beneath that rugged Oklahoman exterior.
