Draft Day Suit

The following post is by our lovely and talented friend, Suebob. Suebob usually writes over at Red Stapler which is a hilarious blog and also coincidentally where I found this post. – Sarah

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Please bear with me. This post is kind of about World Cup but not really. You’ll see.

(DON’T LEAVE!)

(YOU CAN’T GO! WHO WILL WATER THE PLANTS?)

Thank you.

Today was the World Cup Final and of course Spain won, so I was happy, because it fell under my Suebobian rule of “If you don’t really care who is playing, root for the team with better-looking players.” Sorry, Netherlands. Something about wearing wooden shoes has made their faces pinched and pasty.

Except maybe their goalkeeper, Maarten Stecklenburg. Ai yi yi:

Forgive me, Father, for I have done perved.

I was never into futbol before this World Cup. (I call it futbol because everyone else in the world calls it “football,” not soccer, but if I say “football,” everyone thinks of NFL, so this is my compromise. Works for me.)

I don’t know what synapse snapped together in my head on June 11, but suddenly I couldn’t stop thinking about World Cup. And the weird thing was that I was surrounded by futbol fans, but I had never noticed it before.

It was like I had walked through a secret door into another world – like my house had landed after a tornado and suddenly, everything was Technicolor instead of black and white.

With my World Cup fandom, I joined a new club. A club that consists of about 40% of the people on earth. I gained new friends all over the place.

The Nigerian security guards and I bonded over the knockout round. My cube neighbor, Tai, discovered me during the Round of 16. I trash-talked with a German guy in line at the grocery store. A girl in my class at church gave a dissertation on the storied career of Diego Maradona.

Everywhere I went, whenever I saw someone with a futbol jersey or t-shirt, I would start talking to them. Someone once told me that God gave us weather so that we would always have something to talk to strangers about. Now I have the weather AND futbol.

When I first started the month, I didn’t even know how the tournament structure worked. I had heard futbol was “boring” and “slow” because there are so few goals scored in a game.

By the end, I – a former NBA fan who had to quit watching because I was getting horrible headaches from screaming too loud at televised games – realized that futbol is the most thrilling game on earth precisely because of the emphasis on quality of play, NOT on just scoring more than the other team.

Today, when I watched the finals, I was among the 25% of the people on earth seeing the game at that moment. It felt amazing – like I was suddenly a citizen of the world, bonded by this crazy love of the Beautiful Game, wishing for nothing more in that moment than to see some great play.

If you didn’t watch the game, you can see all the highlights here.

Olé, Olé, Olé. I’ll see you in Rio in 2014.

(p.s. My mom gave me money to buy a cute outfit for my birthday. She said “I hope you got something nice with your birthday money,” and I had to admit “Yes, I did, Mom. I bought LA Galaxy tickets.”)

I have been getting a lot of pitches lately about books for women. These books were written to help women better understand sports or sports terminology. During the hockey playoffs, these books wanted to teach me about icing and maybe make me aware of some famous NHL players. This month, they want to help me out with tricky baseball terms and advising me how to dress for a game.

Now, I don’t know how well you know me, but I can tell you this right now: I know what a triple double is, I know where LeBron James will be playing next year, I know who the coach of the Denver Broncos is, and I can speak intelligently about the problems with the BCS. Even if I couldn’t, even if I didn’t know what DH stood for in baseball, I would still be able to dress appropriately for an outdoor game.

Contrary to popular opinion, mothers and bloggers do leave the house every once in a while.

You know what else? Just because I have a vagina doesn’t mean that I only want to know where Ovechkin plays to impress my boyfriend. I watch ESPN when I am the only one home. My husband is the one that changes the channel to the Food Network because he can only stand to watch SportsCenter one time through, while I am content to watch it on a continual loop all day long.

When I open up the newspaper, I go to the sports section first, and it isn’t so the guys at work don’t think I’m a silly girl. The reality is that I need to know who is injured so I know who to start on my fantasy team.

These pitches (and yeah, they are pitches, just like in baseball) from the PR people, who think my readers need me to tell them to read this book so that they can figure out when the line will be shortest for the bathroom, don’t understand that my readers aren’t stupid. Sure, you might not all be able to explain the wild cat offense, but if I tried to pander and tell you not to wear a leather jacket to a baseball game in Florida in August, you would probably Google my address, come to my house, and beat the crap out of me with the hockey stick that you own because GIRLS LIKE SPORTS TOO!

I don’t mean to be a jerk or a know it all, but can somebody please explain to me why dressing for a baseball game is any different from dressing for a soccer match or a football game? Outside is outside. You know where you live. I assume we have all been outside before. Summer = hot, winter = cold. Unless you are in Florida, and then outside = hot.

My only thought for the focus on baseball is that weather plays a big factor. Day games in the middle of the summer can be brutal. So flip flops, shorts and tank top will be everywhere. But night games in northern climates can get chilly, so jeans and a light sweater may be necessary.

This latest PR pitch also contains this:

[author] interviewed fashion editors from across the country to see what
people will be wearing in your city.

Okay, so let’s say, for the sake of argument that I need fashion advice to go out in public. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and say that I am completely clueless about what people wear where I live. IF YOU ARE TALKING TO FASHION EDITORS THIS ADVICE IS ONLY GOOD FOR ONE SEASON. Fashion is constantly changing. A book is static.

I’ve got some baseball fashion advice — wear something to support your team. The players like that. It makes them feel loved.

Other advice my latest pitch offers:

• When to leave seats. Most people will leave to go get food, drinks or use the restroom when their team is in the field so that they won’t miss the action. For the shortest lines, leave when your team is at bat. You may miss a great home run but you will be back in a jiffy.
• Hard-to-pronounce names are spelled out phonetically.
• Conversation starters and commonly overheard terms.

Ahem. Yes, let’s miss the most exciting part of a baseball game so that we don’t have to stand in line to get a beer. Don’t worry, ladies, you will be home in time to iron your husband’s shirts. I can’t speak for all stadiums, but the six major league ball parks I have been to all have people walking around in the stands selling popcorn and cotton candy and beer and water. I’m not sure what it is like for Yankee or Red Sox fans, but where I live, unless Strasburg is pitching, there aren’t very long lines for anything. (No offense, Nats, you know I love you.)

I am just so tired of society thinking that people with ovaries are ignorant when it comes to sports. Maybe June Cleaver needs this book, but I am Sarah and I live in 2010 and I am offended.

Except for that pronunciation of tricky names part. That would actually be helpful.

This was originally written for and posted on BlogHer.com by Sarah.

After an agonizing day of ESPN and talk radio speculation, LeBron James spent 20 minutes being late to his own press conference and then another five minutes – possibly the longest five minutes of my Twitter life – blah blah blahing until he finally announced what everybody already knew:

LeBron James will play for the Miami Heat next year. James, Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade will create an NBA power trio and we can all pretty much assume win the East if not the whole shebang next year.

The only organization happier than the heat is Nike. Nike endorses all three of these guys.

One ring to rule them all.

I’d just like to say that I was rooting for LeBron to stay in Cleveland. Remember when athletes were associated with teams?  Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Cal Ripken, Brett F… never mind. You know what I mean!

I completely understand why LeBron chose to go to Miami. He didn’t want to end up like Barry Sanders – I get that, but I am still disappointed. Cleveland loved the shit out of LeBron and James was an Ohio guy. Cleveland supported LeBron James even when he wasn’t solving all of the problems of the world.

Doesn’t anybody ever stay together anymore?

*sigh*

Well, at least he will be able to get some more use out of this suit down in Florida.

[photo: ESPN.com]

Guess which Cincinnati Bengal got arrested this week?

If you guessed Cedric Benson you sunk my battleship!

Cedric Benson punched a bouncer in the face on May 30 and for some reason wasn’t actually arrested for it until today.

Whatever, the upside of playing for the Bengals is that you know one of your buddies is going to know a really good criminal defense attorney.

Cedric now adds assault with injury to his growing list of “Things I have been arrested for.”

Is it wrong of me to encourage my children to become lawyers and move to Cincinnati?

[source]