Draft Day Suit » GoonSquadSarah

Buccaneers Hire New Head Coach

GoonSquadSarah — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 22:20:31 +0000

Today the Tampa Bay Buccaneers finally hired a new head coach. Was it Mike Sherman? Marty Schottenheimer? Brad Childress? Wade Phillips? Joe Philbin? Chip Kelley?

Nope. The Bucs made a five year deal with Greg Schiano.

Who?

Greg Sciano.

Who the hell is Greg Sciano?

Well, I’m glad you asked.

Greg Sciano was the head coach of the Rutgers Scarlet Knights for the last ten years. Before that, he was the defensive coordinator for the University of Miami. Before that, he was an assistant coach for the Bears and Penn State. Before that he was a graduate assistant at Penn State and Rutgers. Before that he had a high school football coaching job. Before that he was a linebacker at Bucknell. Before that he was probably in high school.

And now he is the head coach for my beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers and we will just pretend I didn’t cringe every time I typed Penn State in that last sentence.

Basically, Ray Rice was all “Woo hoo! Way to go coach!” and I was all “If this gives the Bucs a shot at Ray Rice I am cool with you guys hiring his mom as head coach.” And everybody else was all “Who?”

Ray Rice is a free agent and a total badass and he played for Sciano at Rutgers.

Yes, I know he wants to stay with the Ravens, but a girl can dream, right?

I personally wish Mr. Sciano the best of luck in Tampa and think he should go eat at Mise en Place when he gets there because that place is awesome. I also hope he can bring home a winning season next year, but as a Bucs fan I don’t expect much. It would be a step up if we only lost nine in a row.

Women Can Play Football and Still Wear Clothes. I Have Proof.

GoonSquadSarah — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 14:40:32 +0000

I could rant and rave (again) about how women should be able to play football with their clothes on, but I think Liz and Katie Sowers do a fine job in this video.

Liz and Katie are my new heroes. The Women’s Football Alliance has over 60 teams that play full-contact football all over the United States. Let’s show young girls that they have options that involve that don’t involve being half naked on television.

He Likes Women’s Tennis

GoonSquadSarah — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:32:42 +0000

I follow a lot of people on twitter, but one of my very favorites goes by the handle @phenom1984. He is smart, he is funny, and he knows a lot about baseball. And football, and apparently tennis. Come to think of it, I have no idea why he isn’t a staff writer here. Oh wait. I remember now. He has a job and kids and school and a life, he even has a blog he doesn’t write on much.

Anyway, I’ve been bugging him to write stuff for me for a long time now and he did and so I am very happy. Please welcome Phenom.

- Sarah

* * *

Despite facing an alarm that would be going off at 4:30 in the morning, I could be found at 11:30 last night watching, of all things, tennis. Specifically, the Australian Open, which started a couple days ago in Melbourne. Considering Australia is on the other side of the world, all the good stuff happens overnight for those of us in the Eastern Time Zone, so I have to take what I can get and sacrifice some things like, well, sleep.Directv has no fewer than six channels dedicated to Australian Open coverage, and these can be found in the 700s for those of you wondering where to get your tennis fix. One of these channels is a mix channel which shows as many as six matches at once. Those of you familiar with Directv mix channels know that it’s the most awesomest and most crappiest way to watch, because we are simultaneously treated to tons of similar coverage wrapped into the smallest of available screen space. This, however, did not deter me as I settled into the pulse-pounding excitement of the much-ballyhooed and overhyped second round match between… umm… crap, no Wikipedia today… wait, there it is…USA’s own Christina McHale and neighboring New Zealand’s Marina Erakovic.

I’ll pause while you slide to the edge of your seats.

I tuned in as McHale was placing a chokehold on the second set, up 5-2 on Erakovic despite losing the first set 6-3. McHale, however, was thoroughly outplayed by Erakovic and fell behind 6-5 before tying and eventually winning the set with a 7-4 tiebreaker. I watched until it was 2-2 in the 3rd and realized I had to either sleep or pull an all-nighter, and this morning I found that McHale won the third set 6-3 to advance to the 3rd round, where she’ll face Serbian Jelena Jankovic, who will likely send the spry 19-year-old back to Jersey, or wherever the hell she’s from.

I’ve always enjoyed watching tennis. I could never play, because you have to run and stuff, but the sport always fascinated me and I have no idea why. There’s plenty of action and maybe that’s what does it for me, but beyond that, following the strategy within a single game or even a single volley brings my mind to a place that’s usually reserved for baseball, or maybe 4th and 1 at the 37. It’s dinking the outside corner over and over again until killing you with a fastball on the inside black, or calling plays all day that lead to the flawless timing and execution of a screen pass in the middle of the 4th quarter. For many people tennis is hitting a ball back and forth, but I see each volley as another move in a chess game. I’m going to lull you into thinking… absolutely knowing what I’m going to do next and then I’m going to beat you another way.

The men’s game often turns into power against power, but the women’s game is often all about strategy and finesse. A notable thing about this particular match was the television announcer calling it a “physical” match. I think you’ll agree that “physical” is a term generally reserved for football, basketball, hockey and the like, but it was an apt description. McHale and Erakovic were working incredibly hard and thankfully for them, it wasn’t going unnoticed.

I am willing to admit that the enjoyment I find in tennis may cost me some man points, and I guess I’m okay with that, and if you’ve found as much excitement in tennis as you do in, say, competitive photosynthesis, well, I guess that’s okay, too. I get dibs on the remote, though, and I’ll still drink the good beer while I watch.

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Rumors of Peyton Manning to the Redskins

GoonSquadSarah — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 15:43:45 +0000

As Washington D.C. wakes up to rumors of Peyton Manning possibly coming to play for the Redskins, the Beltway comes to a screeching halt.

Fine, the Beltway is always like that (damn D.C. traffic) but people around here are talking, and they are amped up.

Going totally apeshit is probably a better way to put it.

If you aren’t familiar with Redskins fans, think optimistic, non-violent Eagles fans.

Yeah, it is kind of sad around here. They all seem to hate Dan Snyder but love their team. I admire them for that. I would imagine it is hard to be let down every single season.

Wait – who am I kidding, I’m a Bucs fan, I know it is hard to be let down every single season.

But I digress. Do I know if Peyton Manning is coming to play for the Redskins? No.

I do know that Dan Snyder has a tendency to throw very large sums of money at players who used to be really good and are beyond their prime. He is like that guy on your fantasy team who was still drafting all of the ’99 Rams in 2006, but in real life.

Okay, that analogy works way better when thou accuse your friend of drafting like Dan Snyder, but you know what I mean.

Will Manning even be the same quarterback after surgery and a year off? He may have been the best three years ago, but the man is 36 years old. That is like 70 in football years.

I don’t know how much truth there is to these rumors. It is food for thought, but I will tell you this – I am not leaving my house today. Giddy Redskins fans are creepy.

The Divisional Playoffs – Sarah’s Picks

GoonSquadSarah — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 17:00:19 +0000

Huh. I was sure wrong about Denver. Also the Giants.

Well, to be fair, the Giants just did their regular thing, it was Atlanta that I was wrong about. I forgot that they don’t win playoff games.

Two. 2.

WHO SCORES TWO POINTS IN A GAME? This isn’t baseball, Atlanta.

2 points. I know teams get safeties, but usually teams get a safety and then something else – a field goal, a touchdown, what have you, but not the Atlanta Falcons. They got that safety and that was it. Nice offense.

But back to what I was supposed to be saying. Let’s talk about the upcoming divisional games.

Denver at New England

Well, hell. New England is hard to beat in Foxborough, but it is really starting to look like God is on Denver’s side.

That being said I think Belichick might still have THE FORCE.

Nah, New England is still really good on offense. I say the Patriots take this one at home. I say they win by more than a touchdown.

Houston at Baltimore

If Matt Schaub was still in this entire paragraph would read differently, but he isn’t, so I’m taking Baltimore.

Yes, Baltimore is my secret back-up AFC team. Yes I always root for them if they aren’t playing the Bucs, but hear me out. The Ravens are good. Ray Rice is good. They have four starting Pro Bowlers on defense.

Houston had a great year. Houston will be good next year. I don’t think this beat up team can take the fairly healthy Baltimore Ravens.

It will still be a fun game to watch. I suggest watching this game with some nachos.

Mmm. Nachos.

New Orleans at San Francisco

Once again I will pick against San Francisco and once again I will probably lose, but have you seen New Orleans play? Last week they beat the crap out of a solid Detroit team and this team plays just fine on the road.

The 49ers have had a good year, but I think I know who dat is, and I think it is the New Orleans Saints.

I appreciate their fanaticism, but can we please be done with fauxhawks?

New York Giants at Green Bay

Let’s see, the New York Football Giants had a record of 9-7 during the regular season. They scored a total of 390 points and had 400 points scored against them. The Giants lost to Seattle, Philadelphia, San Francisco, New Orleans, Green Bay and Washington – twice. New York was 4-4 at home, 5-3 on the road, 5-7 in conference.

The Green Bay Packers went 15-1. They have scored 560 points while having only 359 points scored against them. They were perfect at home and in their division. They are the reigning Super Bowl champions, they are pretty healthy and the game on Sunday is at Lambeau Field. In January.

I wish he wouldn't do this, but I guess he has earned the right.

Yeah. I’m taking the Packers.

* * *

Seriously, is anyone who lives outside of the state of Louisiana not thinking that Green Bay repeats this year?

Albert Pujols is Rich!

GoonSquadSarah — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 17:28:29 +0000

With a new shiny $240 million contract, Albert Pujols probably doesn’t care that I still laugh every time I read his name.

But wait! There is more! The $240 million is only part of what Pujols is actually getting. The Angels are giving the almost 32 year old (his birthday is next week) a 10 year contract that is complex enough to require three separate agreements.

Pujols agent and lawyers aren’t laughing at his name either, but they can all afford to chortle in brand new Bugatti Veyrons driven by super model chauffeurs to all sorts of banks.

I also picture them wearing monocles and smoking cigars, but I don’t think you are allowed to smoke cigars in California.

But really, read this:

The deal was so complicated it includes three separate agreements: His playing contract, a marketing deal and an agreement to enter a 10-year, personal-services agreement following the playing contract’s expiration or Pujols’ retirement, whichever is later. That will pay $1 million annually, but because it is contingent on Pujols actually working for the team, it is not considered guaranteed money for the purposes of baseball’s luxury tax.

- CBS Sports

Can you imagine? My new goal in life is to negotiate a contract that requires worrying about the luxury tax.

Pujols (still funny) also gets hotel suite on road trips, a luxury suite at the ballpark for the Pujols Foundation for 10 home games a year and the option to buy a luxury suite between first base and third base for all home games. IN ADDITION TO THE $240 MILLION!!

Oh, and there are bonuses for records. For 3000 hits? $3 million. For a 763rd home run? $7 million. More for MVP.

For playing baseball.

This makes me want to pull my kids out of math class to throw the ball around in the yard.

And it is cold here.

I never thought I’d say this, but I kind of want to be Pujols.

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Jeff Garcia Continues Quest to Play on Every NFL Team

GoonSquadSarah — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 14:45:59 +0000

Did you guys even know Jeff Garcia was still playing in the NFL? I didn’t until yesterday.

Jeff is 42 years old and that isn’t even the most surprising part.

The most surprising part is that he is the 3rd string quarterback for the Houston Texans.

I KNOW! I didn’t know either.

Here is what happened. Matt Schaub is out for the year with a Lisfranc injury (he hurt his foot) and Matt Leinart wrecked up his arm. So we’re looking at a playoff team led my T.J. Yates.

That doesn’t sound right, does it? It gets weirder, so losing their first and second string quarterbacks the Texans went out and picked up veterans Jake Delhomme and Jeff Garcia.

Even though Yates is only 24 that has to make Houston the oldest quarterbacking group in the league. I mean, I Delhomme turns 37 this week and Garcia is in his 42!

* * *

I’ve long had this theory about Jeff Garcia. I have a theory that he was trying to collect one Jeff Garcia jersey from every team in the NFL. Unless I am mistaken, this is team #6 (San Francisco, Cleveland, Detroit, Philadelphia, Tampa Bay and now Houston) and that is pretty good. It is six more teams than I have played on and five more teams than most NFL players have played for.

Sadly he will need to play in the NFL well into his 50s to catch up with J.T. O’Sullivan who according to answers.com has played for the most teams with 10 NFL franchises under hits belt : New Orleans Saints (2002-04); Green Bay Packers (2004); Chicago Bears (2005, 2007); Minnesota Vikings (2005); New England Patriots (2006); Carolina Panthers (2006); Detroit Lions (2007); San Francisco 49ers (2008); Cincinnati Bengals (2009); San Diego Chargers (2010).

Hey Houston, O’Sullivan isn’t on a team right now. You might want to keep him in mind in case anything happens to Yates, Delhomme or Garcia.

Looking at the NFL Playoff Picture: The AFC

GoonSquadSarah — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:32:19 +0000

Aw Christ, Denver made it into the playoffs? The only good that will come of this is more Tebow jokes.

But lo – I’m not here to make fun of Tim Tebow. I am here to talk about the playoff picture in the AFC.

Dear Jesus, please don't let this family sure me.

Fine. I am here a little to make Tebow jokes, but I also want to talk about the playoffs. Talking about they playoffs is why I started a sports blog in the first place.

So! Let’s talk about the AFC.

The Patriots won the AFC both with a 13-3 record (yawn, I am SO SICK of these guys winning everything all of the time, if I were the Dolphins or the Bills I would want to blow up the entire Northeast), Houston took the AFC south at 10-6 and Baltimore just barely edged out out the Steelers (both ended the season 12-4) for the NFC North title. But Denver – somehow Denver is in the playoffs with a record of 8-8. Oakland and San Diego also both had 8-8 records but due to divine math the Broncos survived.

The Pittsburgh Steelers had a 12-4 record and didn’t win their division.

The Titans had a 9-7 record and didn’t make the playoffs. They are all currently converting to Islam.

But lucky Tim won the NFC West.

Of course now they have to play the Steelers in Pittsburgh.

Yeah, I don’t think anybody thinks that The Broncos will win on Sunday. Not even these people.

And clearly all of those people are on drugs.

Fine. That was a cheap excuse to show you that video, and mostly to make Laurie laugh, but the sentiment holds true. If I were a betting woman – and I am – I would be putting my cash down on Pittsburgh.

So New England and Baltimore will be at home rooting for the Broncos and the Bengals (yeah, they are in too, nobody is concerned) while Houston and Pittsburgh get some practice in games they should easily win and the rest of us will either watch the NFC games or create some kind of drinking game revolving around the commentators either mentioning Tebow’s faith or Roethlisberger ‘s “legal troubles”.

I hope I’m wrong. I’d like to see a good game, but I’m thinking that if I want to see some quality AFC football I might have to wait until next week.

Looking at the NFL Playoff Picture: The NFC

GoonSquadSarah — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 15:05:53 +0000

The NFL playoffs. I am not going to sit here and pretend not to be all sour grapes (10 losses in a row! C’mon Bucs! IN A ROW? *breathes into paper bag*), but I can still be vaguely rational about the rest of the NFL. In fact, I think knowing that my team is out of it – WAY out of it and all focused on their fancy new draft pick and finding a new coach – it means I can probably be more clear in my thinking.

Probably.

Let’s see who we have left in the NFC.

Green Bay and San Francisco led the NFC East and the NFC West and each get a bye week and home field advantage. Sweet gig if you can get it.

I mean, this doesn't look sweet, but avoiding this type of pain is what makes bye weeks so awesome.

We will talk more about Green Bay and San Francisco next week where I reveal I’ve been picking against San Francisco all year. Yeah, I didn’t win a penny this season.

The New Orleans Saints narrowly missed the 2nd seed and home field advantage. They had the same record as San Francisco (13 – 3) but the 49ers had a better conference record.

Drew Brees and I are thinking the same thing - how did the Bucs beat the Saints in week 6 then go on to lose 10 games in a row? IN A ROW!

The New York Giants won the NFC East with a 9 – 7 record and still ended up with the 4th seed. The NFC East was pathetic. Sometimes I think they only reason that Dallas, Washington and Philadelphia didn’t have worse records was because they all got to play each other twice.

Again, sour grapes. Tony Romo has once again forsaken me as a fantasy quarterback. I just don’t learn my lessons. I draft him EVERY YEAR. What is wrong with me?

Atlanta and Detroit have secured the wild card slots each with a 10 – 6 record.

So this weekend the New York Football Giants will host the Atlanta Falcons and probably get the crap beat out of them at home.

But you never know. I’ve underestimated Eli before.

I’ve also overestimated Matt Ryan before.

I didn’t win any money last year either.

Hmph.

The poor Saints end up hosting the Detroit Lions who have had a phenomenal season. I say that this is going to be the best game game of the weekend and will most likely determine who gets to lose to Green Bay in the NFC championship game.

I think the Saints can beat the Lions at home, but Detroit has a really good team this year and like I said. I’ve been wrong before.

Spohr > Corso – Part 3

GoonSquadSarah — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:30:35 +0000

This is the third and final installment of the Spohr > Corso Trilogy by our friend Heather Spohr.

If you missed Part 1 or Part 2 you can read it here or here and believe me, you want to read them. Thanks again to Heather for letting us repost them.

Sarah

* * *

The day ESPN’s College GameDay show announced they’d be broadcasting from Los Angeles, I got about 187,000,000,000 texts, tweets, and emails asking if I’d heard the news. As if my sworn enemy could come to town without me knowing? Nope. Whenever Lee Corso gets within 300 miles of me, my hair stands on end.

I told Mike that Corso was coming to town.

Mike: *sigh* Does that mean you’re going to go to the show and hold up a sign?

Heather: Uh, DUH.

Mike: You know you’re 32 years old, right?

Heather: …and your point is…?

Mike: Please don’t get arrested.

Heather: *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* FINE.

I got up before dawn on Saturday to drive down to the LA Memorial Coliseum, home to the USC Trojans and the location for the GameDay broadcast. The show starts at 7am in Los Angeles – brutal! Nonetheless, there was a good-sized crowd for that time of day. I met my friends Brianne and Derek and we quickly put our signs together.

My sign was inspired by how lame Lee Corso is. He’s so lame, I bet his house sucks on Halloween (unlike mine!):

It’s funny because it’s probably true. Thanks, Matt!

The key to getting a sign on GameDay is patience. The show is two hours long, so there is plenty of time to figure out the best location for maximum exposure. The craziest fans are in the pit right behind the stage. We always stick to the outside of the crowd. It’s easier to move around, and if you’re quick on your feet, you can get seen on a tight shot:

This time, we even found ourselves unexpectedly on camera, although it was an aerial shot so you really had to know to look for me in my hat and sunglasses:

After my sign was on TV, a security guard came right over to where I was standing. I started to sweat until he leaned in and took the sign of the guy standing next to me. Even though I knew my sign was tame compared to years’ past, I was still relieved. The guard came back a few minutes later, and this time he was there for me.

Guard: I just wanted to tell you your sign is the nicest one we’ve seen about Corso today. Lee likes it.

Me: I have failed.

Guard: Uh, what?

Corso liked my sign. LIKED. IT. It was supposed to at least sting a little! Dang.

It may have been an extended olive branch, but I’m not one who forgives easily.

You’re still my enemy, Lee Corso.