All posts by roger

Fair Weather Fans — Baby it’s Cold Outside

By | January 13, 2011 | Basketball, NBA | 1 Comment

The term “fair-weather fan” is a derisive one.  And in my younger days, I often looked down on FWFs with great contempt.

“You should love your team unconditionally man!  You should spend your precious little free time watching them continually shit the bed against actual NBA teams!”

Then, the Cavs lost to the Lakers by a bunch-a-million points.  Holy hell’s bells in a hand-made Longaberger handbasket.  Fortunately, I was at a bar for most of the game where I was unfortunately unable to drink enough to blur my vision sufficiently as I had to drive home, though I suspect any buzz gained would have been killed.

Terror of carnival workers everywhere.

Christian Eyenga. Allegedly 21. (NBA.com)

Even though it’s difficult to recognize most of these dudes in their NBA game jerseys, have a look anyway.  Most of those you might know are injured, coming off an injury or playing like the titular Bernie during his infamous weekend.

Interesting list, eh?  You might be wondering, who is Samardo Samuels?  I have no fucking idea, but I’m reasonably certain he’s one of the top 10 players from Trelawny, Jamaica.  Is Gee good?  Not at the moment, but who can forget his utter domination of his nephew Jimmy at the Gee Thanksgiving 2-on-2 tournament?  Gee’s sister was rightfully PISSED.  Christian Eyenga?  He’s a 21-year old African dude who looks 45.

Ok, so it’s not exactly a murderer’s row of basketball unless said murdering is of the hopes and dreams of Cavalier fans for the next decade or five.  But still, I suspect even this sorry group of should-be NBDL players could have mustered a smaller deficit than 55 points.  I fuss, but why?  Is 49 all that much different than 55? Ok, yes, it’s 6 different.

So, I find myself struggling more and more to watch the Cavs.  And it’s made me more understanding.  Next time, instead of being out in the snow and -30 wind chill and shaking my fist at those indoors, I’m going to march right in and crack open a beer with that wise and warm fair-weather fan.

This was the end of the post, but then, there’s this. Uh, karma?  I will leave you with the words of the great Inigo Montoya, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

LeBron James Can Play Basketball. Who Knew?

By | December 3, 2010 | Bad calls, Basketball, LeBron James Ego, NBA, Talking Trash | Comments Off

Well, unless you’ve been living under a rock with poor wifi reception, you know there was a big game last night.  That’s right my hockey team, your beloved Piranhas squared off against the hated Ice Barons.  Although Ice Barons is a pretty terrible name for a hockey team, it doesn’t hold a candle to Piranhas.  And check out our logo.  It’s pretty low-res, but if you look closely, you can see he has gingivitis.  (Remember to floss daily.  Brushing alone isn’t enough!)  At any rate, we lost, 5-3.  I am the goalie and I gave up five goals — frowny face.  Truthfully it should have been four because one was on a high stick the ref missed.  It’s all very upsetting.

Ok, I kid.  Well, not really.  We did have a game last night and we did lose but so did our (growly announcer voice)CLEVELAND CAVALIERS!( /growly announcer voice)  For the first time, the Cavs were facing longtime “savior” and now prodigal son, so-and-so.

Now, since I was playing hockey I didn’t see the whole game, but I did catch the beginning.  And evidently I stopped watching at exactly the right time.  When I stopped watching, the Cavs were winning, that mindless twit was playing passively and Drew Carey was looking skinny and kind of creepy actually.  After that, festering puss bucket played really well.  I would have expected as much, but I hoped maybe he’d be injured somehow and unable to perform.  Did he take any shots left-handed?  No?  Did he complain that Heat fans took him for granted?  No?  Did he note the irony that “Heat fan” is oxymoronic?  No!  Tell me that he at least looked syphilitic?  Yes?!  Please tell me yes!  This is all I need out of life.

Turns out that that insolent cad is pretty good at basketball.  We all knew and that was never the point.  In the seven years I watched him play, I probably only saw him play a handful of truly bad games.  I expected that he’d play well.  And he did.  I didn’t have to see the game to know the ease with which he dominated is the perfect indictment against his performance against the Celtics in last year’s playoffs.  I know back then he was concentrating on faking an elbow injury, but he’s a gifted charlatan and even when distracted he can put 25-5-5 on you.

Oh well.  I wanted to be mad, but I’m haven’t been able to sustain the anger all these months.  Once you realize somebody quit on you, there’s no sense in being upset.  There’s no running down the street after them or standing outside their house, boom box raised overhead.  Maybe I’m wistful for the old timey 2008 team, but overall, it’s meh.  Not to say it didn’t sting, seeing him in an opponent’s uniform.  Yesterday it was like your ex-wife showing up at your house in her shiny new Ferrari with her handsome (basketball skills-wise) new boyfriend (Dwyade) and their lovable pet t-rex (Chirs Bosh).

So it goes in Cleveland .  All we can hope for now is an angry Dan Gilbert response letter.

It’s Saturday, Do You Know Where Randy Moss Is?

By | November 6, 2010 | Fantasy Sports, Football, NFL | Comments Off

And you know what that means, boys and girls?  Where’s Moss-o?  That’s right!  Today is the day I have to figure out which team Randy Moss is on this week and see if they have a bye/if Moss is playing/when his new team is planning on trading him/when that team’s bye week is/if Roy Williams is still sentient enough to play in an NFL game in case something ELSE goes wrong.  That’s a tall order and probably a little too much Randy-time for a lowly fake-team commissioner.

Where's Randy? He's in there. Look! Please? It took me way too long to place him in there. It'd really mean a lot to me. I'll even give you a hint: he's next to Waldo.

Where's Randy? He's in there. Look! Please? It took me way too long to place him in there. It'd really mean a lot to me. I'll even give you a hint: he's next to Waldo.

Randy is like having a crazy girlfriend, except you’re married.  He is the Glenn Close of fantasy football players.  One day he’s scoring touchdowns for you via the Patriots and the next thing you know – rabbit stew!  Normally, I am a very practical guy and I try to avoid all the drama of owning a guy like Randy Moss.  I take the high road and don’t draft guys like that.  But then I realize most leagues demand/suggest you start a receiver or three.

Let’s be honest, as a group, we’re not talking about rocks of stability.  In fact, outside of the Colts’ receivers (who apparently are reigned in by Peyton Manning’s strong pimp hand, although Marvin may have went a little wayward.  It’s always the same story right?  “Nice guy, kept to himself.  Great with the kids in the neighborhood.  Maybe a little overprotective of his carwash, etc.”) and Andre Johnson the average NFL receiver is a little too wild for the Bad Girls Club and if you’ve seen The Soup you know those bitches be crazy!

It seems Randy has landed himself in Tennessee (two n’s, two s’s, four e’s Randy, but not all right next to each other).  I was pushing for Cincinnati this time around, but hey, the season’s young.  What would that show be called?  Probably, “What the Fuck Are the Bengals Doing Now?”

At any rate, dang.  It’s Tennessee’s bye week.  Great.  Looks like Roy’s getting the start.  Or maybe I can pick-up a homeless guy on waivers.  Thanks for nothing, Randy — nothing but headaches and rack of rabbit.

This Week in Nothing to Write About in Sports

By | October 24, 2010 | Basketball, Football, UFC, Unsportmanlike Conduct | 1 Comment
  • Brett Favre has a unique ability to annoy the shit out of people who don’t even care.  He has to be the most needy “man of a certain age” in professional football.  I just hope when he sent around those pictures of Brett Bretterson that he was
    Brett Bretterson in happier times.

    Brett Bretterson in happier times.

    wearing his Wranglers.  You don’t want to sexually harass AND piss off your jean company.

  • James Harrison of the Pittsburgh Steelers “retired” for a day because the NFL fined him for head-hunting.  Now I’m a Steelers fan, but it’s pretty obvious James had scheduled the cable guy for Tuesday.  “Ok guys, not retired anymore!”
  • Brock Lesnar is a monster.  He fights some other dude tonight who looks somewhat less monstrous.  As Godzilla vs. Gamera taught us, whichever guy first shoots flames out of his mouth is probably going to win.  Also, get the comprehensive insurance if you’re in the Tokyo area.

ufc-lesnar-velazquez

  • Congratulations to the New York Yankees on losing in the ALCS!  Nothing is more pleasing to like 95 percent of all baseball fans than when you fail miserably.  Now go console yourselves with your millions and millions of dollars.
  • NBA season is upon us.  I still don’t think I’m emotionally ready to see LeBron clang 3-pointers off the rim all day in a Miami Heat uniform whilst fellating Dwyane Wade.

east-all-stars-dwayne-wade-and-lebron-james-arrive-at-the-arenas-prior-to-the-nba-all-star-game

  • In other news, I am soon to play co-ed touch football.  Our opponents are undefeated.  So, yah, let’s all go out there and have some fun!

October, Wales, Golf . . . Who’s In?

By | October 2, 2010 | Football, Golf | Comments Off

Remember the British Open?  It’s usually played in the midst of summer, July – competitors normally look like they’re about to head out for the Iditarod?  Well, this year they’re playing another tournament in the UK, but later in the year.  It’s the Ryder Cup and I hope everyone brought their mittens.

October Golf - Feel the Heat!

October Golf - Feel the Heat!

I am only half joking.  I live in Cleveland and the weather here is no day at the beach, even when you’re spending the day at the beach.  But whenever I see golf in England I have to take a minute to appreciate how completely miserable it looks.  40 degrees, driving rain and gale-force winds?  Where are my sticks?

Golf was not meant for October.  They invented the game, you would think they know this by now.

One sport meant for October is co-ed (double) touch football.  Wave of Mutilation gears up for a 10 am game tomorrow morning.  Yes 10 am.  Now, 10 years ago, this was a dicey proposition for my team.  We were all in our young to mid-twenties, we were out getting drunk the night before and maybe someone would puke on the sideline (and maybe that happened last year, who’s to say?).  But now, we are old and we have kids.  I was up til 12:30 last night and was probably the only one to miss curfew.  This might seem like a downer, but it often turns into an advantage when our less teetotaling opponents show up groggy to the field.

As life changes you have different problems to solve out on the field like how do we run a three-deep zone while keeping all the kids off the field?  And, we might have to leave the game if Lincoln’s nap doesn’t last through the half.  And the lessons are different as well.  I promise to be understanding when my boy drops a wide open two-point conversion.  But the ball hit my hat and then I couldn’t see with the hat and the clouds and sun in my eyes!

Despite the adversity (and the weather), we’ll happily be out there tomorrow.  Then maybe we’ll get a quick round of golf in – parkas and all.

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