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So…I’ll Have An Ulcer Before Christmas

By | October 5, 2006 | Talking Trash | 2 Comments

Exactly 1 period into the 2006-2007 Detroit Red Wings season, and I VIVIDLY remember why Dominik Hasek makes me insane. And not the happy, silly kind of insane either…but the tryingnottoscream “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” in front of the children insane.

I don’t care if he wins the Cup this season. I don’t care if he saves everything from here until April. All I know is

STAY IN THE GODDAMN NET.

Just stay in it. That’s all I ask. Don’t throw your stick and gloves randomly and charge every single freaking player skating to you. Just stay in the net. Please. Every time you do your little “8 feet away from the net” escapades, I lose 5 years off of my life.

STOP IT.

Thank you.

On to the second period now.

Manning Media Monster

By | September 24, 2006 | Talking Trash | 3 Comments


Ok, what freaks you out more:

A) Peyton Manning’s fake mustache in the Sprint Commercial.

B) Peyton Manning morphing/rebirthing out of a ball/womb for Gatorade.

C) Peyton Manning fake fighting with his brother for ESPN, in the worst fake sibling fight ever recorded-making me wonder if these brothers have actually, never thrown down. (Click on “2″ on the bottom control panel)

D) Peyton Manning singing.

E) Peyton Manning.

Because Just Being Nude Wasn’t Enough…

By | September 8, 2006 | Talking Trash | 3 Comments

…why not stop off at Wendy’s and get a single! The Detroit Lion’s Assistant Coach arrest just keeps getting better…

“A burger joint drive-thru worker called police after Lions assistant coach Joe Cullen allegedly pulled his SUV to the window and picked up an order while naked.

The worker, who took down Cullen’s license plate number, told Dearborn officers after the late-night incident on Aug.-24 that ‘the suspect did nothing obscene, other than being naked at the drive-thru.’

In an interview with the Free Press on Thursday, Wendy’s shift manager Jethro Lett said he was working the second drive-thru window on Michigan Avenue near Telegraph when he heard startling news from the first window, where customers pay for their food.

‘The cashier alerted me,’ said Lett, 48. .‘A guy coming to your window is naked!’.

Lett, whose job was delivering food to drivers from the second window, said, ‘I was trying to be professional.’ But the man in the blue SUV, whom Lett did not know, was clearly in the raw as he pulled up.

Because it was late, Lett had to tell the man to pull over to wait for his food to cook. He recalled the order as a single combo: burger, fries and a drink.

Five minutes later, Lett brought the order out to the parked SUV. ‘He didn’t say a word,’ Lett said. ‘I said, ‘Here you go with your food, sir.’-’

…Lett said Thursday that he was frustrated with police that night, who he felt weren’t taking his complaint seriously.

‘All they kept saying is, ‘Did he say anything, do anything?’- Lett recalled. ‘ said, ‘He don’t have to say anything, he’s butt naked!’-”

I really think my favorite part was Cullen’s food not being ready…and having to wait for it. Naked. In the Fast Food “you ordered something screwy so you have to wait for us to make it” parking spot. Naked.

I wonder if he planned on that? I mean, did his cheap thrill go horribly wrong when the drive thru guy said “I’m sorry sir, it will be a minute…can you pull over please?”

AND, at that point, you would think Cullen suspected “hey, they saw me naked, I better get the hell out of here!” But NOOOOOOOOOO. HE. PULLS. OVER.
Even better, they serve him his burger and fries and he leaves as though this was a normal trasaction.
How many times has he done this and those morons at the drive thru DIDN’T call the cops?
I have so many questions. And my sides hurt from all the laughing.

Hockey Superstitions Run Deep

By | August 17, 2006 | Hockey | 1 Comment

I got a very disturbing email from a friend the other day. The Stanley Cup was in Detroit and he took his two young sons to bask in it’s glory.

Then he did something so stupid I may never forgive him.

He let his kids touch and sit in the cup.

Now, as some of you may know, touching the cup is off limits unless you like to invite the juju into your life. You don’t touch the cup unless you’ve WON the cup. Personally. Or YOU WILL NEVER WIN THE CUP. Never.

When I was pregnant with my son, the cup came to Los Angeles with Chris Chelios. I heard a rumor he might be taking it to Magic Mountain which is about a mile from our house. I was afraid to even DRIVE on that side of town that week. I couldn’t chance it. And my son would have to stick his hand out my crotch in order to touch.

The thought of taking away my unborn son’s chance to one day win the cup haunted me. It was a responsibility I could not bear. So I just didn’t go anywhere that week.

Crazy? Maybe. But my kids still have a chance. My poor schmuck of a friend will just have to settle for a nice bowling trophy or something.

Is the FCC serious?

By | July 12, 2006 | Football | 1 Comment
I got an email today from the President of the Radio and Television News Association in Los Angeles. I don’t know whether to scream profanity or laugh really hard:



FCC combing air tapes for dirty wordsBy Brooks BoliekREUTERS/HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

In its continuing crackdown on on-air profanity,the FCC has requestednumerous tapesfrom broadcasters that might include vulgar remarks fromunruly spectators, coaches and athletes atlive sporting events, industry sources said.

Tapes requested by the commission include livebroadcasts of football games and NASCAR raceswhere the participants or the crowds let loose with anexpletive. While commission officials refused totalk about its requests, one broadcast companyexecutive said the commission had asked for 30tapes of live sports and news programs.

"It looks like they want to end live broadcast TV,"said one executive, whospoke only on the condition of anonymity. "Wealready know that they aren't afraid to go after news."

NO SLIPS ALLOWED

While live programming always has been problematicfor broadcasters, it has become even more difficultunder tougher commission rules approved in 2004.The new rules found that virtually any useof certain expletives will beconsidered profane and indecent, even if it is a slipof the tongue. In a March decision, the FCC found thatthe CBS news program "The EarlyShow" violated its indecency rules because of a profaneslip-up but did not issue a fine because the incidentoccurred before the new rules were instituted.

Live sports -- amateur, college and professional --have long been a broadcast programming staple.Broadcasters have spent enormous amounts of moneyand energy to come up with ways to give audiences a betterfeel for the action. As broadcasters vie for viewers,technical advances that include such things ason-field microphones and in-car cameras have become asimportant as the announcers.

"I don't know how they are going to rule, but theyasked us for tapes with a specific emphasis oncrowd noise," said another TV executive, who alsorequested anonymity. "If some bozo in the crowdcalls the ref an asshole, the commission is askingfor a copy of the tape."

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