All posts by kbestoliver

Tuesday Morning Fantasy Football Quarterback: Week Seven

By | October 27, 2010 | Fantasy Sports, Football, NFL | 1 Comment

This week’s fantasy football highlights metaphor comes to us from the world of entertainment, where I spend way too much of my online time.

Robert DeNiro–Damnit, even if the movie is fucking Meet the Fockers or whatever, he’s still entertaining, and his general badassery aside from the Stiller cash cow more than makes up for that franchise. Like Bobby D, these guys keep churning out big performances.

Darren-McFadden-vs-Broncos

  • Darren McFadden (OAK, RB) McFadden completely shredded the Broncos defense, racking up 165 rushing yards and three rushing touchdowns, as well as 31 receiving yards and one receiving touchdown. He did all of this in the first three quarters of the game. Big, big game, and he has the potential to do more when he feels 100% healthy after his hamstring injury.
  • Carson Palmer (CIN, QB) Palmer threw an eye-popping 412 yards and three touchdown passes in a loss to the Falcons. He continues to have big games even when the Bengals lose, which is a lot thanks to their weak defense. Expect him to keep putting up good-to-great numbers.
  • Roddy White (ATL, WR) White scored two touchdowns in Sunday’s win against the Bengals, with 11 catches for 201 yards. He’s quietly putting together one of the best fantasy seasons of any player in the league with performances like these.

Adam Sandler I keep thinking you might make a good movie, and every now and again you do. Punch-Drunk Love, Funny People, hell, even your early comedies like Big Daddy, Billy  Madison, and Happy Gilmore make me laugh. But then you have Zohans. Like this week. Fuck it, I still think the goat is funny.

Jay Cutler vs. Redskins

  • Jay Cutler (CHI, QB) Cutler threw for 281 yards, but only one touchdown and four interceptions in the Bears’ loss to the Redskins. He was sacked four times and Chicago’s offense is truly the football equivalent of The Situation’s Dancing With The Stars career.
  • Ray Rice (BAL, RB) Rice never found the endzone and had a mere 72 rushing yards in a win over the Bills, whose defense is normally terrible. Talk about let down.
  • Chris Johnson (TEN, RB) No touchdowns and only 73 total yards of offense in the Titans’ win over the Eagles. Brutal for those owners who rely on Johnson for solid points every week.

Mickey Rourke–It’s not always Barfly or Angel Heart with these guys. Sometimes, it’s Enrique’s “Hero” video, but we wanted to believe these players had a Wrestler in them somewhere, and this week, they delivered. But don’t get too comfortable just yet; it’s a short path to meth use and boxing in Midwestern casinos.

Kenny-Britt

  • Kenny Britt (TEN, WR) I guess *allegedly* taking part in a “nightclub brawl” Friday night fueled Britt’s fire. He had a career-high game against Philadelphia, catching seven passes for 225 yards and three touchdowns, and he didn’t even play in the first quarter because of said brawl. Suspension for Britt’s off-field activities has not been ruled out, though, so keep an eye on his status.
  • Ryan Fitzpatrick (BUF, QB) Forget his two interceptions. Fitzpatrick threw a career-high four touchdown passes and 347 yards in Buffalo’s (nonetheless) loss to the Ravens. Couple that with three touchdown passes in the Bills’ last game against the Jaguars, and Fitzpatrick is probably worth a pickup, at least as a decent backup option.
  • Lee Evans (BUF, WR) Since Fitzpatrick took over quarterbacking duties, Evans has been awesome, pulling down three touchdowns against the Ravens in six catches for 105 yards. These two guys have created some exciting hookups and should continue to be fun to watch.

The White Russians went 1-1 this weekend, including a heartbreaking loss to my husband. I’m now 3-4 and 6-1 for the season.

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Tuesday Morning Fantasy Football Quarterback: Week Six

By | October 19, 2010 | Fantasy Sports, Football, NFL | Comments Off

You know what happened in the NFL this week? The Rams won their third of the season after winning just three games in the two prior seasons combined. And in St Louis, it was a damn near riot in the streets. Because when you’re .500 six games into the season, you cut loose in the Gateway City. It ain’t no “Greatest Show on Turf”, but everyone needs to believe in something.

This Week’s Heroes

Kevin-Kolb-eagles

  • Kevin Kolb (PHI, QB) Michael who? Kolb was 23 of 29 for 326 yards and three touchdowns as the Eagles beat the Falcons.  He’ll probably play again Sunday against the Titans, and the healing Vick might have to earn his spot back if Kolb has another game like this.
  • Ben Roethlisberger (PIT, QB) As much as I hate giving this dude any attention after his “misconduct” he did have a hell of a return game, throwing for 249 yards and three touchdowns as the Steelers beat the Browns. I can’t wait until he gets booed on the road.
  • Arian Foster (HOU, RB) Foster’s total yardage wasn’t spectacular (just under 100 total yards), but he did pull down two touchdowns as Houston beat Kansas City. He’s averaging 105 yards and a touchdown per game.

This Week’s Zeros

Chargers-Rams-2010

  • Pretty much the entire San Diego offense The Chargers lost to the aforementioned Rams, an upset of note even outside of St Louis. Philip Rivers threw for 249 yards, but only one touchdown and an interception and was sacked seven times. Antonio Gates and Malcolm Floyd both left the game with injuries. Christ, even the kicker, Nate Kaeding slipped and injured his groin in a field goal attempt blocked by the Rams.
  • Michael Turner (ATL, RB) Sunday’s loss to the Eagles was the third game in a row  in which Turner hasn’t scored, and he’s only scored one touchdown all season. If you don’t drop him, you should at least move him to your bench.
  • Brett Favre (MIN, QB) Oh, Brett. This is why you can’t have penis-photo sexting scams during the season: you throw for just one touchdown and 118 yards. I don’t really have a lot to say; we all know he’s a douche. I just wanted to remind you. And reference Favre’s wiener.

This Week’s Surprises

Chiefs-Texans-Dwayne-Bowe

  • Dwayne Bowe (KC, WR) Bowe caught six passes for 108 yards and two touchdowns in his best game of the season in a Chiefs loss to Houston. After a mediocre start to the season, his performance was a welcome one for fantasy owners.
  • Denario Alexander (STL, WR) Alexander was called up from the Rams’ practice squad just last week, and in his NFL debut had four catches for 74 yards and one touchdown.  Take a chance on this dude if he’s available in your league; he should be fun to watch at home games since he’s a Mizzou alum.
  • Jeremy Maclin (PHI, WR) Speaking of former Tigers, Maclin had a career-high 159 receiving yards with two touchdowns, one for 83 yards, after DeSean Jackson got knocked the fuck out with a concussion. Jackson will miss next week’s game against the Titans, so keep Maclin active.

The White Russians were 1-1 this week, bringing my season records to 5-1 and 3-3, which as you know, in St Louis, is grounds for celebration.

Tuesday Morning Fantasy Football Quarterback: Week Five

By | October 12, 2010 | Fantasy Sports, Football | Comments Off

It’s just about Tuesday as I write this, so I’ll keep it brief. Mama needs a sandwich and some sleep. Stupid lightning.

Every Week

Baltimore Raven's Ray Rice Vs. Denver Broncos

  • Ray Rice (BAL, RB) Rice had a breakout game Sunday as the Ravens beat the Broncos, scoring two touchdowns and rushing for 133 yards.  He carried the ball 27 times as the Ravens ran on 29 of 37 plays in the second half alone.
  • Tony Romo (DAL, QB) Romo threw for 406 yards, a career high, and three touchdowns, although he threw three interceptions, as well, in Dallas’s loss to Tennessee on Sunday.
  • Philip Rivers (SD, QB) Rivers threw a mighty 431 yards and two touchdowns and is simply kicking ass this season. He leads the NFL in passing yards and is tied with Peyton Manning for touchdowns thrown (11) this season. Fear him.

Bad Week

Peyton-Manning-Gets-Clock-Cleaned-by-Chiefs

  • Peyton Manning (IND, QB) While he threw for 244 yards in the Colts’ win over the Chiefs, he threw an interception and scored no touchdowns, so his performance was a huge letdown for fantasy owners who’ve come to rely on big points from Manning week after week. Luckily for me, I also played against Manning this week, so in the grand scheme of things, his performance hurt me less than it could have.
  • DeSean Jackson (PHI, WR) The Eagles squeaked by the 49ers, no thanks to Jackson, who only caught two passes for 24 yards before removing himself from the game with a knee injury in the second half. If he’s a starter, plan on having a decent backup for next week’s game against the Falcons.
  • Arian Foster (HOU, RB) A paltry 25 rushing yards on eleven carries was a slight disappointment to fantasy owners, as the Texans lost to the Giants, 34-10. Foster was almost completely shut down, and suffered a slight knee injury, although he should still play next week.

Big Week

Shaun-Hill-Detroit-Lions


  • Shaun Hill (DET, QB) I bet Hill and the Lions were glad that the Rams of the past few seasons showed up to play on Sunday. The Lions picked up a win behind three passing touchdowns from Hill and 266 passing yards
  • Matt Forte (CHI, RB) Dude singlehandedly covered Peyton’s ass for me, and I was glad to have him on both of my fake teams this week. Forte rushed for 166 yards, by far a career record, and two touchdowns, one a monster 68-yarder, in the Bears’ win against the Panthers. Thank you, Mike Martz.
  • Oakland DEF The Raiders D seemingly did it all this weekend in a win over the Chargers: three sacks, a safety, three fumble recoveries, two touchdowns, and two blocked kicks. That’s making shit happen.

The White Russians went 1-1 this week, bringing my season records to 4-1 and 3-2 on the season. I would also like to point out that I hung on for a highly-anticipated win against my friend, rock journalist/attorney Mike Dauphin and the Mike-ami Dauphins.

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Tuesday Morning Fantasy Football Quarterback: Week Four

By | October 5, 2010 | Celebrity Athletes, Fantasy Sports, Football, NFL | 1 Comment

Hello. I just want to note that, while writing this, I’m suddenly compelled to conceive a fantasy league for the television show Hoarders but I realize the only way to do it would be to have dead animals score negative otherwise people would want to see dead animals and that’s just fucked up. Sickos.

Instead, I’ll put my noteworthy players in terms of another reality show, this time, the relatively-benign Dancing With The Stars.

The Good: Jennifer Grey Of course she’s good at ballroom dancing. She’s Baby from fucking Dirty Dancing, yo.

arian-foster-vs-oakland

  • Arian Foster (HOU, RB) I don’t condone whatever behavior got Foster benched in the first half of Houston’s win over Oakland, but I can appreciate what he did when he did see time. The running back rushed for 131 yards and one touchdown, and caught a touchdown, as well. Just think what he could have done with two full halves.
  • Antonio Gates (SD, TE) The Chargers worked the Cardinals, with Gates contributing two touchdowns on seven catches for 144 yards. With Sunday’s stats, Gates became just the seventh NFL tight end to have 500 catches.
  • Peyton Manning (IND, QB) Week after week, Manning proves he’s consistently the best in the NFL. This week, he threw for 352 yards and two touchdowns in a heartbreaking loss to Jacksonville.

See also…Kurt Warner. Yeah, he’s pretty good at both ballroom dancing and football.

The Bad: Michael Bolton You’d think that maybe being a musician (albeit a no-talent assclown musician) would give Bolton some semblance of rhythm or musicality, but he was just fucking awful. So were these guys this week.

  • Michael Vick (PHI, QB) Dog tails everywhere wagged enthusiastically when Vick went down with a rib cartilage injury in the second quarter of yesterday’s loss to the Redskins. Although no bones are broken, he’s day-to-day and will probably miss time. Karma’s a bitch, Vick. Sorry, Mayopie.
  • Jay Cutler (CHI, QB) Oooh, this one stung. Cutler threw for just 42 yards, no touchdowns, and an interception before leaving Sunday’s Bears-Giants game with a concussion after being sacked NINE FUCKING TIMES IN ONE HALF.
  • Chris Johnson (TEN, RB) No touchdowns, only 64 total yards and a fumble. He’s really screwing over fantasy owners this season with his sporadic play.

See Also: The Situation Oh, come on. You didn’t think he was going to be good, did you? It doesn’t involve misogynistic musings on the social behaviors of his roommates

The Surprisingly Awesome: Audrina Patridge Look, I get that people want to dismiss her as a vapid reality star with the personality of a bookshelf, but she can really dance. It’s cool to see people who’ve gotten famous for doing nothing actually do something. But, yeah, that last part doesn’t apply to these players. They just had exceptionally great weeks that might turn into great seasons.

denver-broncos-kyle-orton

  • Kyle Orton (DEN, QB) FYI, this guy is from Iowa, but went to Purdue, so he can suck it, as far as I care. He is, however, one of the best surprises for fantasy owners this season. Orton threw for over three hundred yards this week against the Titans, with two touchdowns. He’s leading the NFL in passing yards this season, throwing 1,419 over four games.
  • Shaun Hill (DET, QB) Yeah, right? Hill threw for two touchdowns and 331 yards as Detroit nearly upset Green Bay, 26-28. He also threw for two interceptions, and who knows how long he’ll be starting, but he could put up good numbers against Saint Louis next week if you need someone for a bye week pickup.
  • New York Giants Defense The Giants D put the hurt on the Bears, especially Jay Cutler, he of the aforementioned NINE FUCKING SACKS IN ONE HALF, and also had two interceptions and one fumble recovery.

lolcat-got-served

The White Russians were 1-1 this weekend, bringing my season records to 3-1 and 3-1. Not bad.

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Tuesday Morning Fantasy Football Quarterback: Week Three

By | September 28, 2010 | Fantasy Sports, Football, NFL, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

I had to work Sunday afternoon, which means I’m relying on my teams’ performances, the internet, and my husband’s obsessive tendencies to point me in the right direction for this week’s TMQB. You can also check out Goon Squad Sarah’s NFL Week Two Recap. In local news, the Rams won, which, like, never happens, and St Louis has been so bored for so long it was like it didn’t even happen. ANYWAY:

Keepin’ On…

  • Michael Vick (PHI, QB) At least three people have expressed glee to me at their acquisition of Vick, and that was before Sunday’s victory over the Jags. Vick threw three touchdowns and rushed for another, and is maturing as a quarterback in Philadelphia. Should be interesting to see him against Donovan McNabb and the Redskins next week in McNabb’s return to Philly. I’ve got Maclin, so Vick can keep throwing to him all season long for all I care. Just keep your mitts off my dogs, man.
  • Drew Brees (NO, QB) Despite two picks, Brees still threw for 365 yards and two touchdowns in the Saints loss to the Falcons. I’m totally fine

anquan-boldin

  • Anquan Boldin (BAL, WR) Boldin caught eight passes for 142 yards and reeled in three touchdowns in a win over the Browns. Ravens fans have got to be thinking postseason already, but fantasy owners are glad they had the foresight to predict how well Boldin would fit in in Baltimore.

Dream Killers…

  • Matt Schaub (HOU, QB) In his defense, he did get sacked four times, but three were his fault. He also threw two interceptions and only one touchdown. To be frank, he sucks right now, and Houston won’t win unless he doesn’t.
  • Reggie Wayne (IND, WR) Wayne got owned by Champ Bailey, who kept him to four catches for 65 yards, but he could easily rebound next week against Jacksonville.

Kim-Kardashian-Miles-Austin

  • Miles Austin (DAL, WR) Awww. The guy probably was just sad about getting dumped by Kim Kardashian. He only caught two passes for twenty yards. Might as well not have even played.

Oh, Hey There…

  • Austin Collie (IND, WR) Dude. Is. Beast. After catching two touchdowns in Sunday’s win over the Broncos, Collie leads the league in receiving yards for the season. Totally a testament to the depth of the Colts, he’s making lucky fantasy owners verrrry happy.
  • Lance Moore (NO, WR) Had a verrrrrry nice 72-yard punt return, as well as two touchdowns and six catches for 149 yards in the Saints loss to the Falcons. I’d start him next week if you have him.
  • Chad Henne (MIA, QB) Henne had a career day, throwing for 363 yards and two touchdowns with one interception in Miami’s loss to the Jets. I wouldn’t pick him up just yet, though, unless this becomes a trend.

Me? I won both of my games, bringing my season to 3-0 and 2-1. Slow clap, folks.

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