All posts by Jen O.

Ultimate Fighter Takes On Dog. Dog Wins.

By | May 26, 2010 | Crazy People, UFC, WTF? | 6 Comments

The Ultimate Fighter (TUF) competitor, Kyacey Uscola, had what will likely go down as the worst week of his life last week.  It might even be the worst week of anyone’s life.  Ever.  Like, ever ever.

In the same week that he was eliminated from the show by tapping out to fellow wild-card fighter Kris McCray, Kyacey got into another fight outside of the TUF house.  One he won’t soon forget.

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While walking outside the house, Kyacey ran into a pack of pitbulls.

*CAR*

A pack of pitbulls?!?  Holy crap.  That’s the point in this story where, if it were me, I’d puke and faint out of pure fear.  A PACK.  I don’t know how many pitbulls justifies calling it a “pack”, but I’m imagining at least 15 or 16 salivating, muscle-bound, rabid man-eating beasts.  I’m pretty sure that’s fairly accurate.

*GAME ON*

So, when Kyacey came across this pack of pitbulls, he didn’t run.  He didn’t yell for help.  He didn’t grab a stick and try to shoo them away.  No, no.  Uscola is a fighter.  He is a well-trained animal. He dropped the gloves and, in pure Bruce Buffer style, yelled “Iiiiiiiiit’s TIME!!!” and took on that pack of dogs like a champ.

Only…he lost.  Oh, he lost terribly.  He came away with a sliced hand, chunks bitten out of his shoulder, hamstring, and hip.  And the dogs bit a hole in his penis.

The dogs bit a hole IN HIS PENIS.  Right through his urethra.  Straight through.  Dude was catheterized for two weeks.

Oh, man.  Here’s an excerpt from an interview with Stephan Bonnar, post fight:

Stephan Bonnar: The tooth actually pierced through your penis?

Kyacey Uscola: Yeah, all the way through.

SB: It bit a hole in it?

KU: Yeah.

SB: Holy shit.

SB: At any point did you try choking the dog out? Or did you just throw strikes?

KU: I didn’t want to get on the ground with them, it was all sprawl and brawl man.

SB: So not too different from how you fight then…

KU: Not too much.

KU: The hooks I threw were from the hip, everything was no technique, soccer kicks. (gestures wildly)

SB: That was a month ago, how’s the recovery? Able to train again?

KU: Getting there, somewhat 10 days ago I got into it.

SB: How about you and the wife?

KU: Just easing in to things.

SB: Maybe start with some blumpkins.

(Word to the wise – if you don’t know what a blumpkin is, do NOT google it.)

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Jen O. never fights packs of pitbulls. Shih tzus are fair game, though.

Dwyane Wade’s Wife Jailed In Custody Case

By | May 11, 2010 | Basketball, Celebrity Athletes, Talking Trash, Unsportmanlike Conduct | Comments Off

Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade’s estranged wife, Siohvaughn Wade, was taken into police custody today in Chicago after failing to appear at a mandatory hearing Monday.  The hearing was in connection with the couple’s on-going divorce.

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Cook County Circuit Judge Marya Nega was already upset about Siohvaughn having ignored several court orders. The judge also threatened to give full custody of their children to Dwyane.  Judge Nega then ordered police to find her.

Today in court, Siohvaughn’s lawyer stated that the reason for the no-show was a car accident.  Not Siohvaughn’s.  The lawyer’s.  Yeah.  The judge didn’t buy it, either.

Siohvaughn (whose name I misspell no fewer than three times every time I write it) was found and jailed this morning at 11:15 a.m., however, she came bearing gifts – the $10,000 bond.  She is now out of police custody and free to pursue her lawsuit against Dwyane’s girlfriend, Gabrielle Union. She filed  the suit last week, claiming Gabrielle had engaged in some very, very inappropriate and disturbing behaviour in front of the former couple’s two young children.

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UFC 113: Machida v. Shogun 2

By | May 1, 2010 | Talking Trash, UFC | 3 Comments

UFC 113′s headlining act is a rematch between Light Heavyweight Champion Lyoto “The Dragon” Machida and Mauricio “Shogun” Rua.  The two 205-lbers met less than seven months ago in a full five-round battle that ended with the judges scoring in favour of the champion, Machida, despite many believing that Rua took the fight.

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Their previous meeting was a difficult one to score.  Machida and Rua are identical in size at 6’1″ and 205 lbs; both are strong strikers, with differing styles – Machida sits back and then darts in like a cobra; Rua comes at you like a spider monkey with fists and feet.  Many believe the judges scored the match incorrectly; allotted more points for Machida’s style and flair, rather than Rua’s connecting strikes.  And if the scores had been different, Rua would be wearing the belt.

Now, if you aren’t familiar with the UFC or professional mixed martial arts in general, this one thing you should know: fighters consistently vow to “knock [insert opponent] out” or to “punch his bitch mouth” or “kill him and wear his flesh.”  They talk smack, is what I’m saying.  They talk a big show about having deep flowing hatred and about how they’re going to kick the other dude’s head off.  But I’m going to go ahead and award this fight to no one because neither of them are doing a very good job at shit-talking.  They both say they’ll win, both say they’re going to end it and take the decision out of the judges hands.

My prediction, despite a complete lack of sufficient smack: It’ll go to 5 again because it almost always does in title matches.  The judges will give it to Rua because the league hasn’t seen many belt hand-offs lately and they’ve got to keep it fresh for the fans.

There are some other fights, too, with some pretty exciting matchups – Josh Koscheck vs. Paul Daley (I’ll take Koscheck over Daley in a decision, but I also give them full points for inflating their own egos.  Good job, boys.), Sam Stout vs. Jeremy Stevens, Kimbo Slice vs. Matt Mitrione, and Patrick Cote vs. Alan Belcher, and a bunch of other guys fighting on the under card who hope the main card fights end quickly so they can get their face on tv.

However the event goes, I’ll be sitting in front of a table full of grease-soaked food and fizzy drinks, fat and happy, thanking the gods of technology for the invention of high-definition, and (admittedly, very likely) losing a whole whack of bets.

UFC 113: Machida vs. Shogun 2 airs Saturday May 8th at 10pm EST on Pay Per View.

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