Before I go any further, I want to be clear that I am a proud American.
I pay taxes.
I eat more fried food than Colonel Sanders.
And I hate the Olympics.
With only a few days left until the Closing Ceremony, I am eager for the only sporting event that my wife actually chooses to watch to be over. I like sports and I like summer, so why don’t I like the Olympics? Because just as I would never actually choose to watch a hockey game despite the fact that my local NHL team just won the Stanley Cup, the Olympics is filled with a bunch of sports that I don’t care about.
How many of you that are currently scoffing at me for being a heretic actually watch Equestrian events in any of the 3 other years that the Olympics don’t occur? And speed walking? Seriously, how is that even considered a sport when I see grandparents in velour cruising the school track dong it all the time?
I don’t doubt the athletic abilities of the majority of the athletes who compete. I’m sure that at least 80% of the female gymnasts could probably beat me up. Especially the angry one with no neck.
And speaking of the female gymnasts, most of whom look like they belong in a 4th grade classroom, is there anything creepier during this two-week period than listening to the old men who announce their events talk about their bodies? If you heard a guy at the mall talking the same way about teenage girls in the food court, you know you’d call security over to throw him out.
The swimmers and divers are tremendous athletes, but after 4 years who among us hasn’t suffered “Phelps Phatigue” yet? Seriously, can he finally just go to Subway and leave us alone?
And what about poor Lolo Jones, who I’m not sure if she’s now more famous for failing to medal in 2 Olympics or failing to score at any other time in her life that is not the Olympics.
What about basketball? That’s a sport that I like, after all. I detest the clown who dumped both my and his hometown team to for South Beach. No interest in watching him now. I’d rather he take his talents to South Siberia.
I wonder about the athletes who dedicate their lives to something like the Modern Pentathlon. I’ll give you a dollar if you can name the five activities that comprise the Modern Pentathlon without using Wikipedia. Give up? It’s fencing, swimming, horseback riding, running and, of course, shooting. First of all, how does someone even get involved in this wacky combo? Secondly, to the people who don’t medal, can you say “Jack of All Trades, Master of None”?
I’m proud that the Americans will once again take the overall medals championship, but it’s really not even much of a race. As I’m writing this, the Americans have 39 Golds. Only 3 other teams even have that many total medals. Is it really necessary to have 204 countries participate? Does Latvia or Finland think they are going to shock everyone and actually have an impact one year? Even Argentina, who has produced some amazing soccer and basketball players, has one Bronze. That’s it. Why not just take the top 10 teams, and let them battle it out? That might shave a week off the whole process.
But with the Closing Ceremonies rapidly approaching, I found something related to the Olympics that I actually really like:
Yeah, OK, I’ll support our squad. Go USA!
Dude Of The House is an Ohio-native who has lived in Southern California for more than a dozen years, but is still a die-hard Indians, Browns, Cavs and Buckeyes fan. He’s warmed up to the Dodgers after many years but still thinks that watching pitchers hit is ridiculous. He doesn’t follow LA’s pro football team.
When not hanging out here, he can be found at Dudeofthehouse.blogspot.com or wasting way too much time on Facebook and still trying to figure out the purpose of Twitter. Go stop by and say hello. Bring deep-dish pizza, if you can.
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