NFL Football fans! Are you awake? Craving input? Trying to decide if you should proudly wear your favorite team’s jersey to the mall or buy out all of the head-sized paper bags at the local grocery store? Well, the writers at Draft Day Suit have done our part to help you make these important, football-related decisions for next season. Our painstaking research and in-depth analysis of each team’s first round pick will surely arm you with the bragging rights and information that you crave.
Actually, we just chose our favorite team’s picks and, for the most part, lambasted them. I mean, that’s why you come here, right? Right.
Let’s get to it.
#3 (Cleveland Browns): Trent Richardson, RB (Alabama)
It’s hard to not be a little excited about the Browns kicking off the team’s 2012 draft by moving up to pick Alabama running back Trent Richardson. Richardson was a monster in college, scoring 21 rushing touchdowns in 2011 alone — WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THE SAME NUMBER OF TOUCHDOWNS SCORED BY THE ENTIRE BROWNS’ OFFENSE LAST SEASON.
I got a little giddy seeing him holding up a Cleveland jersey last night. And then, as always, I remember: it’s the Browns. And somehow, the factory of sadness will screw this up.
#7 (Tampa Bay Buccaneers): Mark Barron, SS (Alabama)
First of all, I thought the Bucs had the 5th pick. I’m not sure why. Maybe we always have the 5th pick. Whatever, so when the Vikings took Matt Kalil and I realized there were still two picks between them and me and I left the bar and drove home. It was our first time using this babysitter and I didn’t want to be home late.
When I got home my babysitter was sweeping which seemed weird, but a lightbulb broke so I helped him and then I couldn’t find my dust pan which was missing. I don’t know where it went, it is just gone, but I don’t care about dust pans so I paid him and turned on the tv and I totally missed it. Tampa Bay drafted Mark Barron. Mark Barron is (according to the internet) a strong safety from Alabama. The internet also says he is awesome. I choose to believe them.
He is cute, though.
Here is a picture of him after he was arrested for fleeing the scene of an accident back in March. Welcome to Tampa, Mark, you should fit right in.
#15 (Seattle Seahawks): Bruce Irvin, OLB/DE (West Virginia)
Wait, who? From where? What the hell is going on here?
I’ll be honest: I thought I would be writing up a blurb on UNC’s Quinton Coples or South Carolina’s Melvin Ingram or even Syracuse’s Chandler Jones (the guy I wanted for the ‘Hawks), but instead I have to do RESEARCH and READ THINGS on the INTERNET. Thanks, Pete Carroll. Jeez.
Turns out the kid’s had a rough life, actually. After failing out of high school in his junior year, he lived on the streets for two years, eventually reaching a low point when he spent two weeks in jail for allegedly robbing a drug dealer. He got his act together soon after, earning his GED and, eventually a spot on Mount San Antonio College’s football team, before transferring to West Virginia.
This kid is, not to put too fine a point on it, a project. Carroll wants Irvin to man the totally made-up Leo linebacker position on the Seahawks defense where he will rush the passer, rush the passer, and occasionally tackle running backs in the backfield. It’s also, apparently, hard to describe this guy without making him sound like an orangutan, so I won’t. Let’s just say that I hope to hell Carroll and General Manager John Schneider know what they’re doing.
#19 (Chicago Bears): Shea McClellin, DE (Boise State)
So here are my thoughts on this guy on 2012 Draft Night 1 – well, we need some defensive lineman. (We need everything.) And this guy can play on the line and can also play outside linebacker. And let’s be honest, sadly Brian Urlacher and Lance Briggs cannot live forever in their current states as world-class athletes. So, good pick? Unfortunately the only other thing I can think of is that Boise State used to be led by Dirk Koetter. And then Dirk came to ASU. And then he ruined what little of a college football program we had. (Dennis Erickson then ground it into a find powder and let it blow away in the wind.) So forgive me if I might already dislike this guy because he went to Boise State and played on a blue field. By choice. Also, NFL.com called him fat.
#22 (Cleveland Browns): Brandon Weeden, QB (Oklahoma State)
With their second 1st round pick, the Cleveland Browns selected QB Brandon Weeden from OSU. Or I assume that’s how they’ll try to sell it to the fans, despite the fact that he went to Oklahoma State. With a strong, accurate arm Weeden set several OSU passing marks in his two years as a starter. Several teams were undoubtedly scared off by his age, as he is going to turn 29 shortly after the NFL season starts. A minor league pitcher for several years out of high school, Weeden’s 5.02 career ERA gave him a good reason to retire and switch gears back to football. Given his history of flip-flopping, if for some reason he can’t beat out the much-maligned Colt McCoy for the starting QB job with the Browns, his mediocre pitching history should easily qualify him to become the crosstown Indians #3 starter.
#24 (Pittsburgh Steelers): David DeCastro, G (Stanford)
Words of wisdom from Adam Schefter, via Twitter: “Here’s why Pitt took G David DeCastro: Steelers used a league-high 25 different offensive line combinations last season.” With DeCastro’s addition, that will instantly make it 26. That said, Ben Roethlisberger has been sacked 314 times in his career, and 42 times last year. DeCastro’s 316 pounds lining up at right guard should help in that regard. The Steelers were incredibly lucky to find DeCastro still available at 24 and say he will be given every opportunity to start.
#31 (Tampa Bay Buccaneers), Doug Martin, RB (Boise State)
Apparently while I was watching the hockey game, the Bucs traded up to get another 1st round pick. Word on the street is that after trading from fifth to seventh to get a fourth-round pick from Jacksonville the Bucs gave their second-round pick and that fourth to Denver for the Broncos fourth-round pick, a box of pop tarts and the 31st overall pick.
I made up the part about the pop tarts mostly to see if you were even paying attention.
I think it was a good pick. Tampa Bay can never have too many running backs. Our RBs have a tendency to either get injured or arrested, which reminds me that last night before I left the bar I told some of my husband’s co-workers that I would have Mike Alstott’s baby. I don’t remember why I told them that, but I totally would.
Look at Doug Martin’s arms! They say he plays like Ray Rice. I look forward to that.
Honorable Mention: Denver Broncos
What the hell were they thinking? The list of needs is long and they traded away both, yes, BOTH, of their first round picks. Receivers, tight ends, linebackers, corner backs, defensive tackles: Denver needs them all, and they likely let at least two go that could have been big contributors to this team that is being built on Peyton Manning’s shoulders.
Oh! Hey! That’s it. They must have mistaken this year for the 1998 draft and thought that their first round pick was Manning. You know, I really, really want to trust what the organization is doing but so far John Elway has made two big, stupid decisions, and I’m finding it hard to keep the faith. Come on, Broncos, let’s do something logical in the second round, OK?