Archive for May, 2011

Winnipeg Can Resume Losing To Edmonton Once Again

By | May 31, 2011 | Hockey, NHL | Comments Off

After many false starts and chewing on rumour after rumour, after building a new arena and many drunken late nights discussing how awesome things would be in this frozen northern tundra if only the Jets would come back to town, Winnipeg has finally secured an NHL team for the 2011-2012 season. The Atlanta Thrashers, who have not made the playoffs in 5 years, will prove no shock to the system for Jets fans – but perhaps the players will now find additional reasons to hustle their asses as they move kit and caboodle off to frigid Winterpeg.

The owners of the Thrashers couldn’t really find any reason to keep the team in Atlanta, given dismal ticket sales, a general lack of interest overall in hockey, and nobody who was willing to pony up anything more than a pack of gum and an old jockstrap to keep the team in town. Atlanta’s loss – and the loss of the players’ wives’ perpetual suntans – will be Winnipeg’s gain,  as the MTS Centre will be the Thrashers’ new home beginning in October 2012.

Perhaps the best part of today’s announcement has been watching Gary Bettman swear through gritted teeth that he’s happy for Winnipeg. “We get to be back in a place we wish we hadn’t left in 1996,” Bettman said, pretending he hasn’t been cackling wildly and smoking cigars made out of old Jets jerseys anytime anyone asked if they could have a team back in town again.

The as-yet-unnamed-Winnipeg-Jets will remain in the southeast division of the eastern conference for the coming season at least, meaning the teams they play the most frequently will be Carolina, Florida, Tampa Bay and Washington. Get your airmiles cards ready, boys, cause you’re gonna be spending a lot of time on transcontinental flights.

But ultimately, what really needs to be said is: Congratulations, Winnipeg. Your hard work paid off.  Have yourselves an extra pint after that first puck drop in October. You deserve it.

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Tressel out at Ohio State

By | May 30, 2011 | Breaking News, College Football, NCAA, Unsportmanlike Conduct | 4 Comments

In the market for a sweater vest? We hear they’re on sale in Columbus.

Embattled Ohio State head football coach Jim Tressel resigned on Monday — perhaps with some encouragement from AD Gene Smith and university President Gordon Gee — leaving the program he built up over the last decade, only to damage it nearly beyond repair.

Tressel worked wonders at Ohio State — a national championship, two other appearances in the title game, more BCS appearances than any other program in the country, Big Ten titles, a 9-1 record against Michigan and a respectable — and improving — graduation rate for his players.

But since the start of 2011, we’re learning about the costs associated with the success that made him a near deity in Columbus. Discounted cars for players and their families. Memorabilia deals with a shady tattoo-parlor owner. And a head coach who broke one of the NCAA’s Golden Rules: Don’t lie.

And that’s what Tressel did; email records show he knew that at least a couple players — including starting quarterback Terrelle Pryor — were selling jerseys and other trinkets to the subject of a federal drug trafficking investigation a year ago. And Tressel didn’t tell anyone, not his compliance staff, not his AD, not anyone — oh, except for a Jeannette, Pa., businessman who was a personal friend of Pryor.

And last August, just as preparations for the 2011 season were getting started, Tressel signed a form to be submitted to the NCAA; that form confirmed that Tressel knew of no possible violations committed by the program. Bam: NCAA Bylaw 10.1, ethical conduct — you just broke it, Coach Tressel, and the NCAA says that’s a major violation, on par with former OSU basketball coach Jim O’Brien giving money to a prospect.

Tressel’s resignation may help with the penalties that will come sometime after the NCAA’s hearing on Aug. 12. Or, it could be that the program is in for a continued beating all summer long, regardless of Tressel’s status. Sports Illustrated is set to release a piece about the program this week, and I’d imagine that OSU officials have an idea about that story’s content when SI gave them a chance to respond.

And the Columbus Dispatch revealed today that there’s a new investigation into Pryor’s automobiles. He’s apparently driven more rides in his three years at Ohio State than I’ve driven in my entire life. Ohio State sports blog Eleven Warriors has a solid source who told them Pryor’s career at Ohio State is over and — more will follow him out the door.

Even if Tressel’s resignation helps, the NCAA penalties are going to be rough — lost scholarships, vacated wins, postseason bans, and perhaps even a show-cause order for Tressel, which would have made it tough for the coach to return even after his five-game suspension. People in Columbus are howling over how unfair this is — how Ohio State is being picked on because of its size and success — and even with the resignation, I imagine Tressel will continue to enjoy a martyr’s status in Central Ohio.

I am not among the persecuted majority. And while I think the NCAA penalties are going to amount to a curb stomp, I was oddly pleased with today’s events. This is the first step. I know it’s going to get worse — probably significantly worse — before this gets better. And someday — not this summer and probably not this season — Ohio State will have a football program I will be proud to support once again.

In the meantime — if anyone wants a grey sweater vest, size XXL, I know where you can get one cheap.

Tiki Barber Might Be the Worst Person Ever

By | May 27, 2011 | Bad calls, Celebrity Athletes, Crazy People, Dain Bramage, Rants, WTF? | Comments Off

When I was in middle school I was totally convinced that my parents stayed up late at night trying to come up with devious plans to ruin my life. One time we had to go visit my grandparents the same weekend as the coolest party of the year. I was not allowed to go to the arcade where the burnouts hung out even though it was awesome and that is where all of the cute boys were, and my curfew was way earlier than most peoples’. Now that I have kids of my own, I understand that maybe I was just overreacting then.

But sometimes I think Tiki Barber just sits around his house thinking of ways to piss me off. This week was a doozy.

I have written before about how Tiki left his pregnant (with twins!) wife for a 23 year old intern before. Well, because of this Tiki was so hated that he and his young homewrecker ended up living in his agent Mark Lepselter’s attic. Then he told Sports Illustrated this:

“Lep’s Jewish and it was like a reverse Anne Frank thing.”

Yes, Tiki. Having to hide from your ex-fans after having been an NFL running back and a television star because you couldn’t keep your dick out of your intern is EXACTLY the same as a young girl hiding from the Nazis where she would have been killed in an EXTERMINATION CAMP because of her faith and bloodline. Totally the same.

What a douchebag.

He is like “SCREW YOU EVERYONE!”

Now, I’m sure he and the 23-year-old thought that they were very clever and adorable when they originally came up with that analogy, but these are the same two people who thought it was cool for Tiki to abandon his wife, unborn twins and older children.

Some things you just don’t say out loud, even if you think them.

The Anne Frank analogy is one of them.

Do I think Tiki Barber hates Jewish people? No. Do I think he meant it as an anti-Semitic thing? No. Do I think he is an insensitive megalomaniac who should shut his intern hole? Indeed I do.

Dallas Moves On To NBA Finals

By | May 26, 2011 | Celebrity Athletes, LeBron James Ego, NBA, playoffs | 1 Comment

Dirk Nowitzki is pretty good at basketball.  He’s also very tall and that helps sooo much in this game.  In fact, you’ll find that most basketball players are taller than everyone else, a tradition going back to when Bill Russell entered the league and never let anyone else touch the ball again. This moment of clarity for basketball coaches everywhere would open up a lot of opportunities for tallies, and the game would all of the sudden become watched by people.

Who knew? Thank you, tall people, and thank you Dirk for doing some awesome stuff this postseason. 48 points the other night and… highest point scoring total in the fourth quarter in the last 10 NBA postseasons. That makes him King of the Tallies, people.

Of course, others on his team like Jason Kidd, Shawn Marion and Jason Terry do some stuff, too, and Jason Kidd has been around so long his name has become the definition of irony, I think. I’m not sure what the definition is, but if nothing else, it makes me giggle.

The argument I heard the other day is something along the lines of how Dirk stuck with his team and now it’s paying off vs. the “Lebron easy way out super team move” and how Dirk did the right thing.  Except… the Dallas Mavericks haven’t won a title yet.

LeBron took a bad team to the Finals, he just lost. Love him or hate him, he was the Cavs and singlehandedly took them to the end. And now, he seemingly takes over games whenever he wants to and can’t be stopped. As my son said yesterday, his defense is almost as awesome as his offense.  He’s also right now bringing it in the clutch against the best defensive team in the NBA  and shutting down the Bulls’ most effective player in the fourth quarter. In other words, ladies and gentleman, I think LeBron James is starting to blossom now and it ain’t pretty for the rest of the league.

To me, it seems he’s starting to get the feel for when it’s LeBron time and when it’s not. He seems to be learning how to run this team and while, as a team, they are not as well-oiled as Dallas, his enormous talent and play-making on both ends of the court is not something for which you can prepare.

Of course, Miami hasn’t moved past the Bulls, but I like to state my predictions as facts and then when it doesn’t happen the way I said it, I’ll never mention it again.

Now that we understand one another, I’m going to say that it will be the Heat and the Mavs in the 2011 NBA Finals. And then we’re going to hear about the whole “LeBron vs. Dirk vs. staying vs. leaving” discussion for at least 4 games. I’ll want to punch everyone for not shutting up about it, but most of them will be far too large and I’ll just have to sit on my hands. Unless Marv Albert says something. I think I could take Marv even though he’s a biter.

Photo

Dancing With the Football Star: Mirror Ball for Hines Ward

By | May 25, 2011 | Celebrity Athletes, Contest!, Football, injuries, NFL, Payoffs | 2 Comments

With all the hysteria in Pittsburgh today, you’d think Steelers receiver Hines Ward had just hoisted this trophy once again:

Nope. The trophy behind the hoopla is this one. And Ward won it for dancing.

That’s Ward and his dancing partner, Kym Johnson, on Tuesday night, as they won the coveted (ahem) Mirror Ball Trophy as the best dancers on this season’s Dancing With The Stars. And Pittsburgh is as excited about this win as it would have been for winning a Super Bowl ring for the other, uh, other thumb.

I’m normally not too crazy about all the extracurricular stuff that goes with living in Stiller* Country, but I have to give Hines credit. I watched nearly every episode — a problem I brought upon myself by agreeing to sort of cover the series as part of my real job — and the football player acquitted himself well. Ward’s personality — which I’ve heard described as something like shooting sunshine out his ass — was evident on the dance floor, and he was consistently rewarded for it by the judges, who were responsible for half of the total scores for each couple.

The other half? I imagine there was some serious ballot-box stuffing on the part of Stiller Nation.

But if I’m a Stillers fan — and I most definitely am not — I still might have a couple questions about the worth of Ward’s appearance on the show. He’ll apparently soon have surgery to repair one of his ring-laden thumbs, although the injury appears to be football-related and not a rogue paso doble sprain. And while Ward is generally one of the most sure-handed receivers in football, he had one big drop on the show — as in dropping Johnson on her head during a rehearsal session:

Ow.

But I suspect that as long as dropping dancers doesn’t translate into dropping football the next time Ward’s on the field, Pittsburgh is going to be OK with any little nagging troubles left over from the show. We love us some football, and we love us some reality TV — the winner of the first Survivor All-Star season is a Pittsburgher, after all — and putting the two together has made for a fun off-season.

Hm. American Idol is holding auditions in Pittsburgh on July 15. I wonder if Ben Roethlisberger knows how to sing?

*Preferred local pronunciation.

Photo sources: One. Two. Three: A screen cap I took myself.

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