Archive for December, 2010

What a night! It was a back and forth battle, but in the end, MayoPie prevailed over the dreaded Jon’s Team. Mike Vick’s 10 yard touchdown run sealed the victory for the resilient Mayopie (who finished the season 10-1 to claim the elusive… e-mail from that one guy who said, “Good game”).

I should probably also mention that there was an actual football game on with some real implications, first and foremost being Philadelphia’s playoff standing. They’re now the 3rd seed and that’s a done deal, so let’s talk about Joe Webb, Mike Vick then we’ll do a happy ending on Brett Favre’s penis.

Joe Webb is the only thing this offense ever needed, which is a fairly mobile quarterback who could get out of trouble and make the occasional important throw. Other than that, dish the ball to some freakish stars like Harvin, Peterson and Rice and watch the magic happen. There’s no mystery here and this is exactly what Childress envisioned when he got all starry eyed about Tarvaris Jackson. As it turns out, Webb is faster than Jackson, more accurate and has a better pocket awareness. All this from a guy who had played a few snaps before last night.

What I saw in the Vikes was a playoff team that no one would want to meet, and had the trigger been pulled sooner, the Minnesota Vikings might now be a scary prospect. What I also saw last night is that Mike Vick isn’t going to last long in the NFL. Teams are learning that when it comes to Vick, you pick your poison and the better poison seems to be, “Send the house every time and take your chances.”

We’ve now seen two teams in consecutive weeks contain Mike Vick for seven of eight quarters, and they’ve done it by blitzing like crazy. Forget the hits he takes while he’s running, last night it was about the hits he was taking in the pocket. More interestingly, no one on Philadelphia seemed to care.

Mike Vick is the most dangerous man in the NFL, as such, it stands to reason that his NFL lifespan won’t be that of a Manning, Brady, or any pure pocket passer. In fact, Michael Vick might be the only quarterback, is the only quarterback, who has to deal with being blitzed on almost every single play. And if you haven’t noticed, he’s not 6’5″, 250 lbs, nor is he 25 years old. If we continue to see what we saw last night, Vick will not last long in the NFL.

Now to Brett’s penis.  It was probably pretty upset when it watched a rookie managing the Vikings offense better than Favre had managed it all year, knowing that another penis was now going to be getting all of the attention. Probably a much larger penis, and believe me, no penis likes being replaced by a younger, larger penis. As far as being a penis, it’s pretty much the worst thing that can happen to you, aside from being removed and thrown from a car window.

Brett’s penis knows that things aren’t going to be as easy from here on out, and he’s coming to the realization that his host body is going to have to work a little harder to find him a new playground. He might now be reduced to looking for love in all the wrong places, relying on ladies of the night and being forced to wear that damn latex suit he hates so much, because it’s just the policy for those kind of places.  After all, it’s tough when you all of the sudden become a poster boy for creepy, and that’s what he has become: another cheap, naked penis floating around on the internet tubes.

Brett’s penis fondly recalls the days when the mere image of himself would drive the cheerleaders wild, luring them in gaggles to his hotel room door, but he now finds himself contemplating his own mortality… strung out on little blue pills, internet porn and Swedish massagers with promises of “three more inches.” Three more inches. If only it were that simple. I think it says it all about life, don’t you?

The NFL will be announcing Brett Favre’s punishment in the next 48 hours and I, for one, am dripping with anticipation on the mighty NFL’s eleventh hour, meaningless gesture designed to do no actual damage, but perhaps limit further liability or litigation. Brett might lose a whole paycheck. He might get suspended for a game he would have watched from the sidelines, and maybe a couple more he wouldn’t have played, anyway. He might get an ugly fine and now that he will never play again, a stern condemnation from the NFL. Too little, too late, in my opinion. The NFL has lost its ability to punish Brett Favre, but it will be an entertaining show.

Brett Favre’s real punishment was brought on by Brett Favre.  His storied career has gone down in flames, his legacy tarnished forever, and because of  his actions, what we will remember most about Brett is that he stayed one year too long, is a creepily persistent stalker, and his wiener seems kind of small for how big a man he is.

If you think about it, that’s a pretty crappy tombstone.