The NFL’s Wacky Week One

Down is up. Up is down. The Kansas City Chiefs beat the San Diego Chargers. Jacksonville beat Denver, Indianapolis lost in week one, Dallas lost to Washington and Seattle beat the living crap out of San Francisco.

What the hell is going on in the NFL?

I mean, hooray for parity, but this is really messing with the office pool. How am I supposed to win money with my superior knowledge if the guy who is just picking using the “prettier uniforms” method has a better record than me?

Hmph.

Let us recap:

Minnesota at New Orleans (MIN 9, NO 14):

I don’t think anyone that lives outside of Minnesota or Wisconsin was shocked that the Super Bowl champions beat old man Favre and the Vikings, but I think most of us were surprised at how low scoring this game was. I expected a shoot out. I guess the defenses were better than I thought. The one guy that took the under on this game must have made a killing.

Cleveland at Tampa Bay (CLE 14, TB 17):

I watched this game in its entirety (Shut up. I grew up in Tampa) and yes, you are right, it was a crappy game. Tampa pretty much only won because Cleveland made more stupid mistakes than the Bucs did.

Miami at Buffalo (MIA 15, BUF 10):

*yawns* Miami won their opening game for the first time in five years. I suppose that is something.

Cincinnati at New England (CIN 24, NE 38):

I was really rooting for the Bengals even though they have two gigantic fame whores at WR. I’m just sick of Tom Brady winning at everything, especially now that he has that Justin Bieber haircut. I think Tom Brady must have been Mother Teresa in his last life. Nobody should have that much success.

Indianapolis at Houston (IND 24, HOU 34):

Peyton Manning losing balances out Tom Brady winning.

Denver at Jacksonville (DEN 17, JAX 24):

I did NOT see that one coming.

Atlanta at Pittsburgh (ATL 9, PIT 15):

Who even started this game for Pittsburgh? If The Steelers can win with Dennis Dixon at quarterback can you imagine how good they will be when the rapist* comes back?

Oakland at Tennessee (OAK 13, TEN 38):

I bet all those guys who took The Purple Jesus with the number one pick in their fantasy drafts this year are kicking themselves. Chris Johnson rushed for 142 years and had two touchdowns and 27 carries. Adrian Peterson had 19 carries, 87 yards and zero touchdowns.

Carolina at New York Giants (CAR 18, NYG 31):

Come on, like anyone thought Carolina would win this one. Related: Who the hell is Matt Moore?

Detroit at Chicago (DET 14, CHI 19):

I’m not sure I want to touch this one. Here. Read this.

Arizona at St. Louis (AZ 17, STL 13):

Yeah, whatever. Arizona won’t be as good this year.

Green Bay at Philadelphia (GB 27, PHI 20):

This game was pretty good, unless you are Kevin Kolb. Still we expected Green Bay to win and eventually they did.

San Francisco at Seattle (SF 6, SEA 31):

This was shocking. I thought the 49ers were supposed to have a great defense. I also thought that Seattle was supposed to suck.

Not so much.

Seattle won convincingly.

Does anyone else think Pete Carroll might be a wizard?

Or possibly a Jedi.

Dallas at Washington (DAL 7, WAS 13):

Monkeys fucking footballs.

This was the stupidest game I have seen in years. Dallas should have won this game by 21. The Redskins won, not because they played well, but because Dallas made even more stupid mistakes than Washington.

Morons. They play calling was shameful. SHAMEFUL!

Baltimore at New York Jets (BAL 10, NYJ 9):

This game was brutal, but exciting. I was torn. I love The Ravens in all of their thuggery. I love Ray Lewis and his dance, but after watching Hard Knocks I also love Rex Ryan and his Jets. Contrary to what the score would have you believe this was an exciting game. These defenses are both fabulous. I expect to see both of these teams in the playoffs.

San Diego at Kansas City (SD 12, KC 21):

I went to bed. The Baltimore game ran late and clearly San Diego was going to destroy the Chiefs. Right?

Wrong.

I am going to have to watch the replay of this game.

Possibly twice.

* alleged rapist

(Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)