Shaq, Me and Fresh Fruit: a Love Story

I’ve not really much exciting to say about Shaq joining the Celtics, despite it being rather thrilling here. You see, despite being a rather large-ish metro area, Boston is terribly devoid of celebrities, unlike the hometown of our sworn enemies. While televised Lakers games pan from Jack Nicholson to Denzel Washington to Leonardo DiCaprio, our crowd goes wild when Donnie Wahlberg, washed-up former New Kidder, sits courtside. It’s the best we can do, alas. Well, except for Ellen Pompeo, but Meredith Grey annoys me, so where’s the fun in that?

Mind you, I’m not complaining, as it’s the primary reason we can get tickets to good games at a reasonable (yet still astronomical) price — hell, it’s a lot easier to attend a game when you don’t have to duke it out with Andy Garcia for courtside seats (which, by the way, are ONE TENTH of the price here vs. LA) — but you know, it makes attendance a little less exciting knowing that the best rendition of the national anthem you’re going to get is MAAAAYBE James Taylor, and that’s if it’s a super-special day. Otherwise, it’s the girlfriend of one of the dudes who put in a decent performance at the Beanpot.

But I digress. The point is, for Boston, Shaq might be the biggest sports celebrity — hell, ANY celebrity — we’ve ever seen. Ever! Okay, yes, fine, we have Tom (and Gisele), but Shaq is the biggest celebrity we have whom I actually can tolerate! And LIKE, even!

And friends, he’s moving to my town. My NOT VERY LARGE, half-wealthy, half-not (guess which half I live in?) western suburb of the big (HA!) city. This is thrilling only because Shaq, a power user on Twitter, has been known to broadcast his whereabouts so that fans can essentially stalk him to say hello.

I’m so stalking Shaq, preferably at a D’Angelo’s, where I can munch on a nice No. 9 sub while I wait to make my move. Or better yet, what if … what if we shop at the same grocery store? What if, over the sweet aroma of the organic watermelons, he makes all of my Celtics dreams come true, if you know what I’m saying, AND I THINK YOU MIGHT?

(Ew, honestly, I just grossed myself out there. I LIKE Shaq, but I do not like him, like him. As if it matters.)

Seriously, who could resist this?

Call me, Shaq! We’ll talk about the season, and I’ll tell you where to get the best produce! Have your people call my people!

{Photo credit: People.com}