Big Ben Roethlisberger Has Timeout Reduced

In April, Steelers’ QB Ben Roethlisberger received a six-game suspension for violating the league’s personal conduct policy – somewhere under the heading of “how fucking stupid are you, really?”  Ben apparently has a difficult time attracting women his own age, so instead he likes to get really hammered and take underage ladies to his preferred lair of seduction, the pisser.

Now, I went to UD, it’s a pretty small school, Catholic, conservative (not up to my mom’s standards, but we’re talking relatively here) and in general a nice, clean place.  Even I, a drunken bachelor, felt the sure creepy-crawly approach of pubic crabs whenever I stepped into a college restroom.  These are floors you don’t want to STAND on, let alone eat off of.  And the general idea was to get-in, get-out, leave no man behind.  Ben went to school about an hour from me at Miami of Ohio.  I have never been, but apparently the bathrooms there are pristine sanctuaries with butler service and fine Corinthian leather couches.  Apparently, there is no better place to put your moves on the ladies?

This happened in April.  Last night Ben met with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.  Roethlisberger, doing his best Svengali, convinced Goodell that he had “turned his life around” since April.  And by that he meant that he was able to not get drunk and cruise high school chicks for the past five months.  Top notch!

I don’t mean to make light of the situation, bad decisions were made all around and these weren’t Roethlisberger’s first.  But, I think next time, the league would look a little better just setting the suspension at four games to begin with and promising Ben more pine time if he uses Little Ben inappropriately before his time is up.