Landis on Armstrong: “He always kept the good shit for himself.”

My first biking memory is of propping my banana-seated bicycle up against my family’s fence and then climbing that fence so that I could get on said banana seat.  Gleefully, I pedaled and rode off.  It was my first solo, two-wheeled bike ride and it was glorious.  I was on my third lap around our cul de sac before I realized, “Shit.  How am I going to get off this crazy thing?”

That pretty much summarizes my bicycling knowledge.  How to get on, pedal and ultimately chafe like a melonfarmer after even the shortest of rides.  So when Floyd Landis says, “I saw Lance Armstrong using drugs,” I’m not exactly speaking as an authority.  I should probably stop here, but what fun is that?  Let the speculation and uninformed opinion-making ensue!

I got dibs on whale sperm.

Apparently, there are a lot of ways to cheat in cycling.  And Landis accuses Armstrong of the following:

• Transfusing his own blood and having a strong aversion to garlic.
• Dating Sheryl Crow.  While not performance enhancing, Landis found it “kind of creepy.”
• Landis said that Armstrong received blood transfusions during races.  It’s unclear if it was Armstrong’s own blood or the blood of 1,000 purified super-cycling babies!  Further confounding, how was Armstrong able to pedal with all those cumbersome tubes?
• Armstrong was known to “cut the legs off drifters” and use them to power up the Tour’s steep mountain climbs.
• Instead of water, Armstrong would drink the tears of newly orphaned children. While unnecessarily salty, the thought of their pain delighted and motivated him.
• Armstrong gave Landis testosterone patches in an effort to get Landis to stop being such a “gaping weeping vagina” about all the doping in cycling.

Armstrong has not answered this round of allegations directly, but his attorney, Tim Herman had this to say:

Landis is a confessed perjurer and he is a liar, and I think, as Lance said … when you taste milk to see if it’s sour, you take a first taste and you don’t have to drink the whole carton to know it’s all sour.

http://verto.net/public/2009/05/28/milkshake/

Take that for what you will, but it sounds like Armstrong has gone “downtown” with Landis. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. Sinner.

It seems to me that cycling is dividing into two distinct skills — riding a bike and, more importantly, getting away with cheating. And according to Landis, Armstrong was the perfect synthesis of super-cheating cycling power. And admittedly, I have no idea if Armstrong cheated. I hope he didn’t. But, considering how dirty the sport is isn’t it difficult to believe he’d be able to beat so many doped Frenchmen powered by only Wheaties and apple pie?

Look at the evidence; could a clean athlete win the All-Drug Olympics?

We may never know for sure. But we do know that right now Lance Armstrong wants to get off this crazy thing.