First off, let’s clear up some misconceptions:
- Fuck you LeBron James. I hope you enjoy syphilis and the itchy, festering sores. Because if there’s any justice in this world, that is what you will have contracted in the next 2 to 3 weeks. I almost joined Twitter to tell him the same, but I’m like web 0.5 and was unable to navigate the registration process.
- For the sake of everyone, I think the best outcome would be a meteor strike at the Heat home game #1.
- That dude in white pants that got arrested in Cleveland for doing something is also my hero. Riot on white pants guy! Normally my rule is that only Eurotrash and Mark Twain are ok to wear white pants, but forever more I am amending that to include dudes who get arrested rioting over LeBron James leaving his “home” and all that other bullshit he’s been feeding us for the past seven years.
- Point the fourth, mouth herpes. It’s not the worst venereal disease except EVERYONE KNOWS YOU HAVE IT.
- Despite my inability to navigate technology, I did call my buddy on my pay-as-you-go cellphone to tell him Dan Gilbert’s statement was perhaps the greatest thing released in the history of mankind, dudes-leaving-as-free-agents division. Fuck, if I spend a dollar to call a buddy about something, you know it has to be good. ($97.63 remaining – thanks for asking.)
- Some people hate Cleveland. How do you hate Cleveland? Bob Hope? That dead fuck! Drew Carey – some fat lovable guy – so irritating with his Price Is Right hosting! Shake your fist violently, curmudgeon! I hate that Cleveland, always losing to my teams in the playoffs and whatnot!
These points have very little to do with anything, but sometimes you need to vent.
Moving on, LeBron is a prick. Let’s not mince words. He was supposed to be one of us. Fuck, I mean, people randomly hate Cleveland – just because. Just because they don’t want to live here, I guess. Fine. Don’t move here. But we’re supposed to circle the wagons. We’re supposed to understand each other. And boy, LeBron has been on-board with that, so long as it served his “image.”
Ok, so maybe I wasn’t done venting.
I am not a cynic. At least I try not to be. I try not to be negative in life and all day, I was holding strong. It just didn’t seem right that he’d leave like this. You know, with all the hoopla and the hour-long presser. And he called the fucking thing THE DECISION. I mean, ok, if you know anything about Cleveland sports, you know about: THE shot, THE drive, THE fumble. All day, I was thinking, “He’s not that big of an asshole is he? An hour long fuck off? Really? Naming his show along the lines of historic Cleveland sports failures? Just a parting double fuck you? He CAN’T be that tone-deaf. Can he? And he’s going to run out some boys and girls club’s kids to make him not seem like a complete fuckface?” I guess, yes, he can. I mean, go. Leave. We’ll deal with it, but don’t rub it in our faces.
Anyway, this post is supposed to be about Dan Gilbert’s statement. Now, at the bar tonight (you know it!), we were discussing Gilbert/the Cavs. A buddy asked if I thought Gilbert would “take the high road.” I said no. I thought he would take shots. Boy, was I soft-pedaling it.
Let’s go to the letter where I’ll pick some choice quotes:
This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.
Uh, this is pretty much 100% objectively accurate.
You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.
“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”
Ok, he’s totally talking out of his ass right here. I mean, the Cavs roster has been getting undeservedly bashed lately. The fact of the matter is that they were constructed to complement James. If LeBron plays like shit (see 2010 playoffs), then the team suffers. They went as he went. He augmented them. Did he stand up and take responsibility for quitting on the team? Well, no, he’d never do that. But, even I, as a defender of LeBron for years had to admit that he quit. He flat gave up, I can only assume because he wanted to pave the way to leaving. Now he can say, “My teammates weren’t good enough.” And if you haven’t watched LeBron closely all these years (and I have seen probably 90 percent of his NBA games) you might not appreciate that.
That said, this team is probably lucky to be .500. And the moves they’ve made to try to help LeBron over the past few years have left them with few picks and little cap room. So let’s just say that we probably won’t be raising a banner come next year.
If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.
This can mean only one thing: Cyborgs. We will dominate.
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.
I don’t think he’s talking about assassination, but I’m not exactly sure what this means.
The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.
I WANT to believe in karma, but LeBron is really good. I think he can trump karma with talent, but I like the olden-timey hex. Nice.
Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day….
I heard it was going to be cloudy tomorrow, whereas today was bright and sunny!
That’s about it for the letter. Now, I have absolutely zero problem with it, despite complaints about a lack of “professionalism.” This is sports, man. This isn’t diplomacy. He’s not negotiating a Middle East peace treaty. Finally, someone is taking our side. Someone is speaking for us. It takes a guy from Detroit to say something on our behalf and I have absolutely zero problem with it. God bless him.
Furthermore, I don’t buy talk of professionalism in regards to sports. It’s borderline retarded that I’m writing a thousand plus words about this. Sports is all about emotion and irrationality and trash-talking. It’s not about bullshit PC statements wishing some asshole luck on his imagined CYO buddy-buddy basketball team. Fuck that. It would have been hollow bullshit for Gilbert to say that. Speak on Dan!
Now, it sounds like he’s going to take this to the mattresses and Lord knows what he’s going to end up saying. Maybe I’ll have a problem with something he eventually says. Maybe after I’m a little less pissed off, I’ll let go of the anger and I’ll think he crossed some kind of line. But not with this. This is fantastic and needed to be said. Until Stuart Scott asks, “Hey King James – do you realize how fucking idiotic you’re making yourself look right now?” I’m glad at least someone with some kind of public megaphone will take up for us.
You know, sports suck like – what? – 85 percent of the time. You can’t tell me to care and watch and write for this blog and then to not personally hate LeBron for leaving. Even if it’s stupid, even if it’s unjustified. I kind of hate that I care that much. I hate that I hate him now, but such is life and such is sports fandom.
Roger is from Cleveland.
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