Dan Gilbert Is My Hero | Draft Day Suit

Dan Gilbert Is My Hero

First off, let’s clear up some misconceptions:

  1. Fuck you LeBron James. I hope you enjoy syphilis and the itchy, festering sores. Because if there’s any justice in this world, that is what you will have contracted in the next 2 to 3 weeks. I almost joined Twitter to tell him the same, but I’m like web 0.5 and was unable to navigate the registration process.
  2. For the sake of everyone, I think the best outcome would be a meteor strike at the Heat home game #1.
  3. That dude in white pants that got arrested in Cleveland for doing something is also my hero. Riot on white pants guy! Normally my rule is that only Eurotrash and Mark Twain are ok to wear white pants, but forever more I am amending that to include dudes who get arrested rioting over LeBron James leaving his “home” and all that other bullshit he’s been feeding us for the past seven years.
  4. Point the fourth, mouth herpes. It’s not the worst venereal disease except EVERYONE KNOWS YOU HAVE IT.
  5. Despite my inability to navigate technology, I did call my buddy on my pay-as-you-go cellphone to tell him Dan Gilbert’s statement was perhaps the greatest thing released in the history of mankind, dudes-leaving-as-free-agents division. Fuck, if I spend a dollar to call a buddy about something, you know it has to be good. ($97.63 remaining – thanks for asking.)
  6. Some people hate Cleveland. How do you hate Cleveland? Bob Hope? That dead fuck! Drew Carey – some fat lovable guy – so irritating with his Price Is Right hosting! Shake your fist violently, curmudgeon! I hate that Cleveland, always losing to my teams in the playoffs and whatnot!

These points have very little to do with anything, but sometimes you need to vent.

Even Jay-Z couldn't get LeBron to New York.

Even Jay-Z couldn't get LeBron to New York.

Moving on, LeBron is a prick. Let’s not mince words. He was supposed to be one of us. Fuck, I mean, people randomly hate Cleveland – just because. Just because they don’t want to live here, I guess. Fine. Don’t move here. But we’re supposed to circle the wagons. We’re supposed to understand each other. And boy, LeBron has been on-board with that, so long as it served his “image.”

Ok, so maybe I wasn’t done venting.

I am not a cynic. At least I try not to be. I try not to be negative in life and all day, I was holding strong. It just didn’t seem right that he’d leave like this. You know, with all the hoopla and the hour-long presser. And he called the fucking thing THE DECISION. I mean, ok, if you know anything about Cleveland sports, you know about: THE shot, THE drive, THE fumble. All day, I was thinking, “He’s not that big of an asshole is he? An hour long fuck off? Really? Naming his show along the lines of historic Cleveland sports failures? Just a parting double fuck you? He CAN’T be that tone-deaf. Can he? And he’s going to run out some boys and girls club’s kids to make him not seem like a complete fuckface?” I guess, yes, he can. I mean, go. Leave. We’ll deal with it, but don’t rub it in our faces.

Anyway, this post is supposed to be about Dan Gilbert’s statement. Now, at the bar tonight (you know it!), we were discussing Gilbert/the Cavs. A buddy asked if I thought Gilbert would “take the high road.” I said no. I thought he would take shots. Boy, was I soft-pedaling it.

dan-gilbert

Let’s go to the letter where I’ll pick some choice quotes:

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

Uh, this is pretty much 100% objectively accurate.

You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

Love it.

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”

Ok, he’s totally talking out of his ass right here. I mean, the Cavs roster has been getting undeservedly bashed lately. The fact of the matter is that they were constructed to complement James. If LeBron plays like shit (see 2010 playoffs), then the team suffers. They went as he went. He augmented them. Did he stand up and take responsibility for quitting on the team? Well, no, he’d never do that. But, even I, as a defender of LeBron for years had to admit that he quit. He flat gave up, I can only assume because he wanted to pave the way to leaving. Now he can say, “My teammates weren’t good enough.” And if you haven’t watched LeBron closely all these years (and I have seen probably 90 percent of his NBA games) you might not appreciate that.

That said, this team is probably lucky to be .500. And the moves they’ve made to try to help LeBron over the past few years have left them with few picks and little cap room. So let’s just say that we probably won’t be raising a banner come next year.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

This can mean only one thing: Cyborgs. We will dominate.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

I don’t think he’s talking about assassination, but I’m not exactly sure what this means.

The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

I WANT to believe in karma, but LeBron is really good. I think he can trump karma with talent, but I like the olden-timey hex. Nice.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day….

I heard it was going to be cloudy tomorrow, whereas today was bright and sunny!

That’s about it for the letter. Now, I have absolutely zero problem with it, despite complaints about a lack of “professionalism.” This is sports, man. This isn’t diplomacy. He’s not negotiating a Middle East peace treaty. Finally, someone is taking our side. Someone is speaking for us. It takes a guy from Detroit to say something on our behalf and I have absolutely zero problem with it. God bless him.

Furthermore, I don’t buy talk of professionalism in regards to sports. It’s borderline retarded that I’m writing a thousand plus words about this. Sports is all about emotion and irrationality and trash-talking. It’s not about bullshit PC statements wishing some asshole luck on his imagined CYO buddy-buddy basketball team. Fuck that. It would have been hollow bullshit for Gilbert to say that. Speak on Dan!

Now, it sounds like he’s going to take this to the mattresses and Lord knows what he’s going to end up saying. Maybe I’ll have a problem with something he eventually says. Maybe after I’m a little less pissed off, I’ll let go of the anger and I’ll think he crossed some kind of line. But not with this. This is fantastic and needed to be said. Until Stuart Scott asks, “Hey King James – do you realize how fucking idiotic you’re making yourself look right now?” I’m glad at least someone with some kind of public megaphone will take up for us.

You know, sports suck like – what? – 85 percent of the time. You can’t tell me to care and watch and write for this blog and then to not personally hate LeBron for leaving. Even if it’s stupid, even if it’s unjustified. I kind of hate that I care that much. I hate that I hate him now, but such is life and such is sports fandom.

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Roger is from Cleveland.

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13 Replies to Dan Gilbert Is My Hero

  1. My God Roger, if you weren’t married…

    What? I like angry guys. It’s true. You can ask anyone who has met my husband.

  2. LOLUMAD says:

    Hah, Cleveland woe is me. And wow as for Sarah, if I met your husband I’d tell him how you disregard being married and say “if YOU weren’t married…” to other dudes.

  3. elz says:

    Instances like this whole LeBron debacle are why I follow College Football. I loved Dan Gilbert’s letter because you know he had to have written that weeks before. If I were LeBron, I’d watch out for a Godfather horse head.

  4. Elz isn’t kidding. I’d make other people start the car before I got in it too.

  5. The Gilbert letter was even written in Comic Sans, which to me says, ” LeBron is such a dick, it’s not worth even bothering with Times Roman.”

    Good for Gilbert. Had he just wished LeBron “The best in whatever he does next.” It would have been ridiculous. Better Gilbert gets what he needs to say said, and move on.

  6. LOLUMAD totally got me.

    I meant if WE weren’t married.

    You knew what I meant. I love my writers. They rock my world.

  7. Momo Fali says:

    I’m going to copy my comment from another post and put it here, because I’m from Columbus and we are THAT lazy…

    I’m not a fan of Cleveland, which has more to do with being a fan of the Broncos and the fact that I hate snow than it does with having beer spilled on me, vomit projected onto me and being hit in the back of the head by a falling drunk, because those last three were all at Browns’ games and that’s to be expected. BUT, Cleveland is still part of my beloved state. I have three sisters who live there and a bundle of nieces and nephews who love(d) LeBron. He let us down. Period.

    See, Roger? I don’t hate Cleveland as much as you think, even though I know I pissed you off when I said so because you were all, “We hate you too” which I hope was aimed at Columbus and not at me personally, because I am pretty awesome. Just sayin’. My point was that someone who isn’t a Cleveland fan shouldn’t write the post because we wouldn’t do it justice…and you did. Really, really well. Bravo, man. I’m going to buy you a beer for this.

  8. Paul says:

    fuck you punk! LBJ can do what the fuck he wants! that’s why it’s called free agency. he doesn’t owe you losers shit! you couldn’t put a team around him to win it so he’s out. ohio over florida? cleveland over miami? fucking worthless cowards.

  9. roger says:

    I’m sorry, really; I totally heart you.

    And Sarah! Scandalous!

  10. rs2 says:

    nice job rog….

    You and Dan Gilbert can express my feelings much better than my “I hate him.”

  11. Well, well, well…… heartbreak in Cleve-town once again. Oh, Me Oh oh my oh, Oh, Cleveland Ohio…. doomed to be the Mistake by the Lake … dissed by LeBron and D-Wade and Chris… even The Flats couldn’t make him stay……

    Cheering for laundry really hurts, doesn’t it? There’s no loyalty, no sense of community (Doris Kearns Goodwin’s memoir – Wait til Next Year -of living next to/riding the train with the Dodgers, anyone?) and no expectation that the team that tantalized/terrified/tortured you this season will look anything like the one that will do it to you next year.

    Living with a Cleveland born and bred boy, I feel your pain. I still think Dan Gilbert set a bad example (even if it is “just sports” it’s puerile nonetheless) and that LeBron was an idiot for making a reality show out of his decision, but that’s my favorite part of being a fan : arguing.
    a/b

  12. roger says:

    My feeling is, he rallied the fanbase which was smart, but he’d be smarter still to leave it where it is. I mean, it’s supposedly going to hurt him in signing free agents, but really, who are we kidding? Cleveland is somewhere amidst the circles of hell as a free agent destination. I also suspect there are at least one or 2 NBA players who agree with him. Or maybe just one. But, I suspect, over time, money will continue to talk.

    As to LeBron, it is convenient for him to now say that the team wasn’t “good enough” to win, when really, he played at a the smallest percentage of his ability of anyone on the team. Ok, fine. But, he also conveniently forgets that he previously signed a short-term contract in order to “keep the pressure” on management to improve the roster. Which they did, continually, and at great cost to their bottom line and franchise (as what is good for the goose, isn’t necessarily good for the gander) . Since they were always building short term, they weren’t able to clear cap space like Miami, New York, etc did. I mean, Miami tanked a few years, which according to LeBron SHOULD mean, they weren’t committed to winning. Now they didn’t always do the right thing, sure, but more often than not they improved themselves with each move.

    It is pat and easy to say, “Well, they didn’t give him a good enough team.” But it is inaccurate and misguided. It’s probably the view of an outsider and not someone who has been watching this whole thing unfold for 7 years and listening to all the lines out of LeBron’s mouth. Now, I know they lie and I should tune them out, but it’s hard. I always had more respect for the guys who just kept their mouths shut and left quietly. Don’t say “do X, Y and Z and I’ll stay,” if you don’t mean it.

    I said it at the time, but it was like he didn’t want to be here DURING THE PLAYOFFS. I am no basketball scout, nor expert, but I’ve seen 90% of his professional basketball games. Barring some unknown mystery injury which only manifested itself in 60% of the games, he wasn’t trying. Flat out. I now suspect, he knew or thought he couldn’t justify leaving if they did well (got to the finals?). My friends and I discussed it ad nauseum – what’s wrong with him? It’s really the thing that makes the most sense. (Which is not to say it was like, “Oh, I’m going to miss this shot,” I’d guess it was more manifested in his malaise. I will give him the benefit of that doubt.)

    To paraphrase Denny Green: he’s not who we thought he was.

  13. Dan says:

    Paul you a complete idiot. If you knew what you were talking about I would say more but obviously you are f-ed in the head so I wont comment any further. Ashleigh don’t knock Cleveland until you’ve been here and experienced the many things the Cleveland area has to offer like world class museums, playhouses, and hospitals.

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