Archive for July, 2010

My alma mater is having a golf outing in the area to raise money for kids who can’t read good or some such and I’m thinking of going. But, I’m not a “networker.” I don’t enjoy “talking to strangers” or “not being anti-social.” I find I “sweat profusely around others.” While I will have graduated with most participants, I’m not one to be in for a foursome of back-slappin’ class of ’77ers.

That being the case, I asked a friend if she was going. She told me she “wasn’t much of a golfer.” I replied, “Golfing is only a vehicle to drunkeness.” While a good Flyer never needs an excuse to drink, it helps to keep the rehab whispers at bay if you’re not drinking alone on your couch on a Tuesday or blending girly drinks in the office closet most afternoons. So, that is the opportunity that sport affords. Pure, delightful boozing.

In that spirit, allow me to present the best sports for drinking.

• Running Sports: So far, off to a bad start. Unless you’re going for the immediate purge, it’s a bad idea to chug a couple of beers and then start running all over hell’s half-acre. Pace yourself and slow things down so as to increase your intake. Remember drunkenness and not excellence is the goal in sports or aerobic fitness.
• Golf: Better choice. You’re outside. It’s usually sunny. If you’re one shade on the dark side of Powder like me, the sun will accelerate the process. But, you do have to swing the club kind of a lot and there’s an abundance of walking, even with the cart. If there’s no drink-cart girl, you might as well be wandering the Mojave.
• Softball: While nearly all softball players look like they could shotgun a twelver, it’s exceedingly difficult to partake during the game. I’ve heard of mythical “keg” leagues where there’s a keg at third base, but much like unicorns, it eludes.
• Boating: Boating is not really a sport, but you can do sport-type things off the back of a boat, water-skiing, tubing, exploding Jaws and whatnot. Problem being you’ve got to be hella-good at water-skiing to chug a beer while doing it. That would take many, many years of practice. Years you could have spent drinking. But, you might wonder, is pulling your friend in a tube behind the boat in an effort to get him to wipe out a sport? Well, ok, but only if you draw blood.
• Darts: To me, darts is the ultimate drinking “sport.” There’s an element of danger – ever hit the ring around the bull and the dart came back at you? There’s downtime between throws, adequate for chugging. It’s played IN A BAR. And, while probably not a “sport,” its professional players are always drinking DURING COMPETITION. I think that’s what’s always impressed me so much about Babe Ruth. He was hammered or hungover for nearly all of his games. Professional darters are his adopted sons, drunkenly throwing sharp metal objects at cork.

And there you have it. May all your drinks be cold and all your sports slow-paced.