Soccer: The Other Football

Wednesday I decided to take an early “lunch” and head up to a bar near my office to watch the US take on Algeria for a chance to advance to the round of 16 at the World Cup. I couldn’t find any other takers at the office, so I’d be watching the game “alone.” Fitting.

How does the airplane go? (Timothy A. Clary/AFP/Getty Images)

I have watched many US games on my own. I really started paying attention to US soccer during World Cup 2002. That Cup was held in South Korea/Japan, making start times in the States in the wee hours of the morning. 3 or 4 a.m., whee. I spent a lot of time bleary-eyed yelling at the TV as the US advanced to the quarter-finals and lost to Germany 2-nil (there are no zeros in soccer).

So, I’ve played and watched soccer for years now. Pay extra attention to what I have to say. I am smart and my brow protrudes in an attempt to contain my massive cranial body, just like Darwin.

World Cup Observations:

1. I don’t care how cold it is. If you need to wear mittens when you’re playing, maybe you aren’t running hard enough. I know it’s chilly, but run or something.
2. The vulvas or whatever those damn annoying horns are have finally receded into the distance for me. Or maybe they’ve just become a constant background noise to my life. And maybe I’m not going to KILL THE PRIME MINISTER OF MALAYSIA!
3. REPLAY! It’s most needed in soccer. They worry about interrupting the flow of the game, but that replay shit is instantaneous, for serious. I would especially like to see it on any goals/potential goals, cards in the box, red cards, maybe a couple of other situations. I don’t find the “flow” arguments compelling.
4. Giusseppe Rossi is at home, like the rest of the Italian team. Kid grew up in Jersey to Italian parents. After spending some time on some junior US squads, he ended up fulfilling his dream of playing for Italy. I don’t really begrudge him that, if that’s his dream, godspeed. But I’m jingoistic enough for that to rub me the wrong way. It all seems so . . . un-American to me. What is America but the place where you remember your heritage while embracing your new homeland? So, I will admit to schadenfreude when he didn’t make team Italy (although maybe he should have) and then it was pure delight when Italia finished last in their group and bid arrivederci to South Africa. Yes. I am petty and small.
5. Flopping is irritating. These dudes go down easier than a Denny’s grand slam breakfast. I’m probably on the far end of disbelief though. Every time a guy takes a tumble, I’m immediately saying, “Look at him flop like a gutted fish!” And then I see the replay and he took a shank to the face and I say, “Okay, that probably hurt.”
6. One of my favorite things to watch for is the crowd shots when mostly-impartial South Africans fans get caught up in the celebrations of other nation’s fans: “I don’t really care, but this is kind of fun!”
7. The US should score more and maybe not procrastinate so much this afternoon. I mean, very exciting ending vs. Algeria, but I could go for a little “easier” of a win.

There are your tips. Tune in this afternoon and watch probably the biggest game in US soccer history. Let’s win it.