The first game I watched this year was when Ghana defeated the US team. It was the first soccer game I’d watched in years, and it made me remember why I don’t watch soccer.
First, soccer is everyone’s game but ours, so it didn’t break my heart that we didn’t pop in and steal the world stage of what is, truly, everyone else’s sport. For us, soccer is like the gateway sport, something non-violent for our kids to do for a couple of years until they move on to another sport or the opposite sex.
Of course, there are obvious exceptions, but by and large, Americans care as much about soccer as they do curling, and it only happens every four years. Conversely, most other countries still involved in the tournament eat, sleep and breathe this sport, so I’m not going to get depressed about a country like Ghana advancing and the US going home.
All this being said, soccer pisses me off. I was watching a little special about what’s called “the Hand of God”, an illegal goal scored by Diego Maradona in a 1986 World Cup Quarterfinal against England. Argentina would go on to defeat Germany and win the World cup.
What you have here is intentional cheating. He couldn’t hit it with his head, so he grabbed the ball and threw it in the goal. If you don’t know much about soccer, that’s illegal. The ref missed it and the goal counted. Four minutes later, Maradona would score what is considered to be one of the greatest, if not the greatest goal in history.
Lionel Messi, considered to be Maradona’s successor and star player on the Argentinian team, is as equally talented at volleyball as Maradona, as he would exhibit last year.
In baseball, they have pine tar (or used to) and Vaseline under the brim of their caps. In football, they teach how to hold and push-off in subtle ways. I guess cheating is everywhere. But usually when we find it, there’s a bit of disgrace that goes along with it. An example would be when it was discovered that the Patriots were filming signals. It tarnished their dynasty, and it should have. When we find our best home run hitters were actually just juice machines, it devalued all their accomplishments. But it seems with soccer, getting away with cheating comes with zero disgrace, even adulation. That’s weird to me.
And it’s not only that. At the end of the Ghana vs. US game, one of the Ghanaians laid down and feigned an injury (I know, a soccer shocker). It was obvious he was wasting time, and he took it all the way to the trainers having to bring out a stretcher to remove him. As soon as they were off the field, he got up off the stretcher and walked away.
In American football, when a guy leaves in a stretcher, the crowd either cheers as he offers the thumbs up as if to say, “Hey everyone! I’m not paralyzed!” or the crowd sits in silent prayer as the player is put into an ambulance.
In soccer, it’s as important to be a good actor as it is a good player and I find that highly annoying. I watch Ultimate Fighting and NFL football. I see bones crush, blood, mens’ limp bodies being carried away, and what I never see is one of them writhing in pain unless they are in some serious pain. I like my pain real. Call me a purist.
It really is a shame, because it’s really a great sport. Controlling anything with your feet is hard, and diving at things with your naked head, knowing full and well you’re going to hit them, is pretty impressive. Just stop being such wussy girl cheaters, please. That’s all I’m asking.
Oh yeah. Update. Here are the quarterfinal matches.
Ghana vs. Uruguay (July 2nd)
Nederlands vs. Brazil (July 2nd)
Argentina vs. Germany (July 3rd)
Paraguay vs. Spain (July 3rd)
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