Tiger’s Wife Divorces Him, Shocks the World

Everyone is talking all of a sudden about how Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods are going to get divorced. As in this divorce is immediately happening tomorrow or sometime likewise very soon, like this is big news. Whereas yesterday? I guess everyone still presumed they’d be patching all of this together up just fine.

Elin Nordegren

What? Where did everyone get this good shit they’ve been smoking since Thanksgiving? Because hello? Share?

It’s just that really, you know what? I was tired of Tiger Woods and his big life changes and horrifying mistakes a long time ago. I’d say that around Christmas of aught-nine is about when I was tired of all of this and of him. I couldn’t drum up any enthusiasm for his return to the Masters last month and the whole “Phil Mickelson good, Tiger bad” storyline was just stupid. I was psyched for Phil that he won but irritated by the way it, like everything else, was all about Tiger.

Anyway, it is May now and I am ready to sucker punch mere photos of him in a way that is not nice to do.

And then the other day? He had to back out of a golf tournament because he said he may have a bulging DISC in his back which everyone called a bulging DICK accidentally on purpose because they were bored. And I watched his smarmy talk at the reporters after he failed at that tournament and his dumb attempts at stupid jokes and trying to regain the upper hand and I just got really pissed off. I was all, shut up Tiger Woods, I’m so very sick of your mouth.

Tiger Woods on his knees

Because I am. I am sick of him and I am sick of people caring about him. I know this has nothing to do with what he was put on Earth to do, which was to make everyone feel bad and uncomfortable, apparently, and also to play golf better than you. And that I’ll grant him. He played golf better than most anyone ever in the history of the world, and when he was sticking to that? Awesome. When he moved into other social and cultural realms?

Fail.

And overall this has nothing to do with golf, I’ll say again, because I’m sure I’ve said it to someone. This has to do with people , sex, infidelity, imploded marriages, crushingly bad life choices and Tiger on a golf cart crying about his back. This is one of the worst stories I have ever heard that isn’t about golf and I would like it to run its natural course and go away, no more excuses for and from him, just done.

That’s all.

Except? Good luck, Elin, and especially the children. May you go home to Sweden and chill. And may Tiger – eh, I don’t even care.