Phil Mickelson Wins Masters: Tiger Woods Is Still A Big Fat Jerk

I’m pretty sure I hate Tiger now. Every word that crosses his lips has become as meaningless to me as his claims to have a disease.

He’s the greatest, so far. I’ll give him that.  He hits shots that no one can hit.  And the level of competition today far exceeds that of the days of Arnie and Jack, though they were great for their time.  But make no mistake about it, Tiger Woods is a big fat jerk and a sore loser.

I think Tiger summed up best where he places himself in the worldly chain of importance… I think it was the 13th tee where after skying his third drive he would exclaim, “God, Tiger, Jesus Christ!”  Amen.  The new Holy Trinity. The old one was so… old.  It totally needed updating, anyway.

And of course, after his vow not to lose his temper and have more respect for the game of golf would last all the way until his first bad shot where he would say, “Tiger, you suck, god dammit!”  It was as if Buddha himself was wielding a mighty staff forged from titanium mined from the valley of peace.

But when he knocked it in on the seventh hole for an eagle on Sunday after nearly unraveling, it was hard not to be dazzled by his magnificence.  Jerkface. Why’d you have to go and do that? I’m trying trying to dislike you over here.

Fortunately, Tiger would again give me everything I needed in his post-round interview and when questioned about his outburst, he would look down, smile and say that people are making too big a deal of this.  Really, Tiger? I’m the problem?  How about, “Up yours and kiss my anus?” He would then deliver a lecture about how he’s not going to walk around happy and what do people expect? Ummmm… we expected you’d live up to your promise, but you’re right, we totally should have known that a promise from Tiger Woods is nothing more than a shadow puppet to distract us from the self-centered butthole trying to con us out of our money.

Now on to the real deal, a man worthy of our adulation and one whom Tiger would fail to recognize as soundly thrashing the field with some magnificent golf and history making of his own: Phil Mickelson.  Wow.  Phil played incredibly.  And when he chose to go for it on 13 from behind the trees, I thought he was mad, until he hit one of the most amazing shots in Masters history.  Then I thought it was a pretty good idea.

No one lost this tournament, Phil Mickelson won this tournament.  No one can take that away from him. Tiger did not lose, he was beaten by a better golfer (at least over this particular four day span).  Phil’s back-to-back eagles on Saturday were among the most memorable moments in golf history.  He came to win and he did so in spectacular fashion.

It wasn’t long ago we would all question whether or not Phil would ever win one, and now he has four majors under his belt in the last five years and is looking better than he ever has.  Would it be possible for Phil to be “the one”?  I hope so, because he’s someone I can believe in.

Tiger Woods is a self important and privileged princess who has all the class of a gremlin (not the cute ones) and he proves it every time he opens up his royal mouth.  You’re nothing but a jerk, Tiger Woods, and I don’t root for jerks no matter how good they are at something.  You’re a classless butthole,  and in my mind, that eclipses your elusive ”A” game, which apparently no one has ever seen, anyway.